The Andy Reid School Of Clock Management!
(2:00 to go. 1st and Goal.)
Donovan McNabb: Okay, Coach! What’s the play? We gotta get to the house on this drive! What’s the call? What’s the call?
Andy Reid: (through the headset) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, son. Plenty of time on the clock. Plenty of time. Don’t want to do anything rash here. Gotta think this through. Let me ask you something, Donovan. Have you ever tried farm fresh eggs? I mean, REAL farm fresh eggs?
McNabb: What?
Reid: There’s a little roadside stand in Bux County I like to go to. And they sell these cartons of eggs from chickens they raise themselves. And, I have to say, they are fucking AMAZING.
McNabb: Coach, there’s not much time! We have to… wait, are those the organic eggs?
Reid: No, no, Donovan. You see, something can still be labeled organic and not be all that fresh. Organic is just a catchall term. I’m talking real fresh eggs. You ever have an egg where the yolk is kind of orange, instead of yellowish?
McNabb: Oh, I have tried those. You’re right. They’re terrific. Do you have those in an omelet?
Reid: No, I like them sunny side up. Omelets get a little dry, you know what I mean? I like my eggs a bit runny.
McNabb: The ref is telling me I have to run a play coach.
Reid: Oh. Well, fuck it. Just run Westbrook up the gut.
McNabb: Okay.
(1:30 to go. 2nd and Goal.)
Reid: Now, the key to eating a sunny side up egg is to break the yolk with your knife. Then you turn it over onto your toast and kind of smear the yolk all over the bread. You just cover every square inch of that toast with yolky goodness. It really is something.
McNabb: The players seem to be yelling at me to run a play, Coach. (throws up)
Reid: No need to rush. Plenty of time on the clock, here. Plenty of time. I tell you the real dilemma I have with breakfast. Sometimes I want something sweet, like pancakes. But then I also want something savory, like eggs. But I feel like having both is kind of piggish. You know what I mean?
McNabb: Well, if you have both in moderation, it’s not really that big of a deal. Besides, you could use the food, coach. You’re wasting away!
Reid: Oh, stop.
McNabb: I mean it.
Reid: Oh, please. You know how to flatter people, I’ll give you that. You really think I look okay?
McNabb: Oh, yeah. I mean, you’re a big guy. But you’re not FAT. The ref is telling me to hurry it up again, coach.
Reid: Oh. Well then, just do that Westbrook thing again. Then spike the ball as casually as humanly possible.
McNabb: Okay.
(0:45 to go. 3rd and Goal.)
Reid: See, I dunno. Some days, I feel very fit. But if I have a big eating day, sometimes I get this very bloated feeling. And I get this terrible heartburn. It makes me worry about my cholesterol and what not. But it feels so good when I eat, so how can it be that bad for me?
McNabb: Well, that’s the problem. If you always associate eating with feeling good, then you’re over-relying on it to make you happy. (throws up)
Reid: That’s very interesting. God, I’m so glad you’re my quarterback, Donovan. I just don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to about shit like this. Did I ever tell you about my dream to be a cop?
McNabb: Coach, the ref is hassling me again.
Reid: Hmm. Better go play action here. They’ll never see it coming. Be sure to have LJ catch the ball short of the goal line. Also, take your time calling the last timeout. It kind of psyches the defense out.
McNabb: Okay.
(0:01 to go. 4th and Goal.)
Reid: Hmm.
McNabb: What do we do here, Coach?
Reid: I tell you what I’m thinking about here, Don. My Netflix queue. See, I have “The Darjeeling Limited” at the top of it. But I’m not really all that eager to see it. I want to be fucking EXCITED for the movie I rent, you know? But it’s so hard to find movies that both the wife and I will enjoy together.
McNabb: What about renting a TV series instead? I heard “Dexter” is intriguing.
Reid: Oh, there’s an idea. Maybe we should conference Peter King into this talk. Is there a way to do that?
McNabb: I’m not sure.
(False start penalty. Game ends.)
Reid: Well, that was fun. Let’s do this again next week. I wanted to talk to you about my urine, which has been a bit cloudy of late.
McNabb: Okay.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, chokers, eggs, HURRY THE FUCK UP, Singletary and Childress learned from the master, this is how you overlook your kid's smack habit
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November 11th, 2008 at 10:39 am
” this is how you overlook your kid’s smack habit”
Geez, BDD, that’s just heartbreaking.
But those eggs did sound delicious.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Needs more hyperventilation from McNabb
November 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Between the McNabb’s vomiting and Reid’s talk of eggs, I’m simultaneously hungry and nauseous. Is there such a thing as a “Not Safe For Stomach” tag?
November 11th, 2008 at 10:49 am
You pretty much nailed it.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
No bitching about TO?
November 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
“I tell you the real dilemma I have with breakfast. Sometimes I want something sweet, like pancakes. But then I also want something savory, like eggs. But I feel like having both is kind of piggish.”
I have this same dilemma every Sunday and have yet to find a solution. Ideas?
November 11th, 2008 at 10:56 am
There’s a lot of rigamarole you have to go through for your farm to be certified organic. A lot of farmers these days follow organic farming practices, but aren’t technically certified organic. So even if those eggs aren’t certified organic, they are likely to be organically raised.
To make it even more Reid-like, you need to throw in an occasional [dry cough], Drew.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:58 am
@throwbot: A short stack of banana chocolate chip pancakes with a side of bacon. Sweet, salty, fruit, chocolate, bacon–it’s pretty much the greatest breakfast ever.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:02 am
seriously, Donovan, START JOGGING IN THE MORNING
November 11th, 2008 at 11:10 am
“The players seem to be yelling at me to run a play, Coach. (throws up)”
Classic
November 11th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Tidal TV ads in the banner…competition for Slingbox or bullshit technology?
http://beta.tidaltv.com/?msrc=turnCPC_guide728#31064
November 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Pancakes with bacon dust fucksticks! PROBLEM SOLVED!!!
November 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Blueberry pancakes always make me feel like I am trying to eat healthy even when I am not. Also you can’t go wrong with a little hash brown casserole to start your morning off.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
@throwbot: just follow Drew’s lead and eat both. Twice.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
its “bucks” county.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
if they ran westbrook twice and then spiked the ball as casually as humanly possible, it’d be 4th and goal, this isn’t the jim nantz school of downs keeping where he encourages the spiking of balls on 4th down is it?
November 11th, 2008 at 11:30 am
He could have called a Krennel-like timeout.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:37 am
It’s not as funny when the Eagles are your favorite team.
OK fine, it is.
November 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I’d get angry, but really, what the hell can I say?
November 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Cracker Barrell > Bob Evans
Although, here in Atlanta we’ve got some pretty good local spots. J. Christophers, Flying Biscuit and Crescent Moon are all good. I used to order Eggs Benedict alot and then I read in Anthony Bordain’s book that Hollandaise sauce was a magnet for bacteria.
Fuck, I’m gay
November 11th, 2008 at 11:54 am
How about sausage with maple syrup? I find that usually hits the sweet/salty spot. Bonus points if it’s spicy sausage. Do you have PMS, too?
Also, I really liked Darjeeling Limited, but something tells me that you wouldn’t. But I saw it 1-2 months ago, and it was the classic problem you outlined in FKS — I saw the movie so long after everybody else did, and nobody wanted to talk about it by then. Dammit.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Flying Biscuit and Crescent Moon
Fuck and yes. Last time I was in Atlanta, it was a twelve-hour turnaround and I still made time for a Crescent Moon heap.
Original Pancake House is phenomenal, too. I’ve never seen an omelet for twelve before.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Bacon, french toast and maple syrup. See, bacon is light like a potato chip, french toast is just eggs and bread – ya gotta eat that stuff and maple syrup don’t got no fat. It’s a diet breakfast.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
you ain’t got nothin’ on me, Reid!! Nanny-nanny boo-boo!
/moons
November 11th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
This whole sweet/salty breakfast dilemma explains the curious success of the McGriddle.
/loved Darjeeling Limited – sweet lime?
November 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
@ mamacita: I don’t think it is nice for you to share your masturbatory tools of choice with us.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Goalline Offense Made Easy, by Andy Reid:
1. Turn Tony motherfucking Hunt into a fullback
2. Cut him
3. DON’T SIGN ANOTHER FULLBACK
4. Run a 180 lb. back into the line on all short yardage plays
5. EPIC FAIL
6. Don’t lose your job
If not for the Phillies, this post would be the last push I needed for a Postal Service-worthy multi-state killing spree.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
You do realize the qb headset only works one way right?
November 11th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
How could he not be excited about a movie that features a naked Natalie Portman in the first 20 mins?
November 11th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
As I read this excellent post, two thoughts entered my mind…
1. This might be exactly what took place on Sunday night. Spot on, Drew!
2. Which wrist do I slit first — the one on my dominant arm? Or should I do the weaker arm first, then simply hold the razor in my teeth to finish the job?
Ah, fuck it. The Phillies won the World Series. Suicide can wait.
/Emo’d
November 11th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Not to be a dick, but isn’t Marty “Anti-Rex” Morninwheg somewhat to blame here?
“Fuck it, we’re running on 4th down!!”
November 11th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Not big on sweets in the morning, give me salty and fatty … i.e., eggs, bacon and more bacon
November 11th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I refuse to comment on this epic fail until the Cowboys can beat the Washington Snyders and prove they don’t really suck as bad as most of you wish they did.
/can’t believe the ‘boys lost to a team that got housed by the JEST 47-3.
//would won my FFB game this week if I started McNabb…FUCK!
November 11th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
@dAndy — I call that the umami spot, baby.
And I didn’t think naked Natalie Portman would make up for existential angst and looking at Owen Wilson’s nose for two hours. But again, I liked the movie, so possibly BDD would, too.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
@ mamacita: Is that anything like a tsunami? Sounds like an interesting technique!
November 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Hey fantasy players! I am thinking about dropping C Penn to get either Tyler Thigpen or Flacco. Thoughts?
/already know I have a stable of shattyness at QB. No need to inflict wounds!
November 11th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@ Dandy: Thigpen is a solid pick up. He’s been pretty consistent over the past few weeks. He won me my game this week.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
That what I was thinking. I had Flacco last week, but tossed him to pick up neckbeard himself. I still won, but would have had 6 more points with Joe in there.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
“I like eeegggggs, a lot Howard. I loovvvvvve eggs”
November 11th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
is mike singletary an alum of this school?
November 11th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Hey guys, if your girlfriend/wife/whore enjoys a sweet n’ salty combo in the morning, don’t forget to drink a Dr. Pepper before you go to bed.
Probably works for gay guys too.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
23 flavors
November 11th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Bang her in the mouth slow. Doctor’s orders.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
All this talk of breakfast and no mention of a Waffle House? Where else can you get a large breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon and biscuits and gravy and before you get your check, you’ve already closed the deal with the waitress to meet you at your car so she can blow you for $20 in the parking lot.
All before 8am! Now that’s the way to get your day started.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Needs more run-in from Emo Eagle. Or not. Either way, I’m not sure if this is satire or a transcript of what happened Sunday night.
/no Andy, don’t fucking run a bootleg at all, and while you’re at it, you don’t have to establish the run early either
//not as bitter thanks to the Phils
///still, it’s frustrating
November 11th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Guys, i didnt put my players in a good position to win the game, i am the one at fault here. i decided to change my philospy on the west coast offense during the 2 minute drill because i felt that i would outsmart the defense.
you see, on the 3 and 1, i called a run to set up my 4 and 1 surprise. you see, the Giants had 8 men in the box which meant they were expecting run, so logically, i outsmarted the defense because they knew we were 3/3 throwing the ball, and there 8 men in the box were just a decoy for there real defense! i outsmarted them and run it again which would create confusion on the defensive side of the ball, my reverse psychology failed me this time. were just going to go to work again tomorrow, and practice throwing the ball 70% of the time so our offense will never get into rhythm, i know you guys are thinking “well that doesnt seem smart” or “how is that going to help your team.” trick question, i outsmarted you all. once again, my reverse psychology worked and you will bow to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeis that…munchkins? WHO DARES BRING DUNKIN DONUTS INTO MY PRESS CONFERENCE? o my god… OM NOM NOM NOM . ITS ROKAY RO GUYS, RER FINE, RER FINE *continues to shove his face into dunkin donuts munchkin box and repeat every thing from every other AR press conference after a close loss word for word*
November 11th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
atleast the dude gave it a try, even though he did suck. (talking about the attempted impersonation of andy reid).
actually, the more i read that i realize how stupid it is and i am not even going to bother defending this person. that is an absolute abomination of an impersonation and i haterade summed it up with as little words as possible.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
And you know Westbrook’s thinking “Christ, do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”
November 12th, 2008 at 2:18 am
“But I feel like having both is kind of piggish.” This line has never been uttered by, much less thought of, by Andy FatAss Reid.
On a side note, who would win a Cheesestake eating competition, Andy Reid or Mark Mangino?
November 12th, 2008 at 7:27 am
@ T-Bone
Andy Reid, because Mangino would have filled up on baby beforehand. It’s the other, other white meat you know.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Can you think of another Coach/QB tandem that has lost more close games in the last five years? The two always seem to lose in the same fashion, poor clock management, stupid interception, throws short of the goal line, it is the same mistakes, no improvement on them, for the last nine years.
September 12th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
This post is great