Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week — Week 9
The last issue of Esquire that I picked up did this thing called the “Endorsement Issue,” where they endorsed Barack Obama, a candidate in every Senate and House race, and various simple things that can be enjoyed by Esquire-reading douchebags like me at some higher intellectual level. Random stuff like Clontarf Irish Whiskey, shoofly pie, and threesomes with Thai hookers.
So, in the spirit of completely random endorsements, I’d like to take a few moments to endorse the finest non-alcohoilc drink on the planet: Horchata.
The usual description of Horchata is “rice-cinnamon drink,” but that doesn’t begin to touch upon what it is to experience this heaven-sent elixir made in buckets by illegal aliens at Mexican taquerias. What’s Horchata? Take the flavor of a nice, soft churro, mix in the addictiveness of crack cocaine, and somehow turn it into an ice-cold drink. It is the perfectly sweet companion (for your palate AND your digestive tract) to tostadas, gigantic burritos, authentic soft-shell tacos, or whatever else you’ve loaded with fiery tomatillo salsa.
Listen to me, people. I’m a barely functioning alcoholic. But when I get Mexican food, I skip the Dos Equis and Pacifico and order a Horchata (an Horchata? Damn Spanish). GODDAMMIT IT’S SO DELICIOUS! I need it RIGHT NOW! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/runs six blocks to nearest taqueria
HORCHATA! HORCHATA NOW! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!!!!! ÁNDALE MOTHERFUCKERS!
/sticks entire head in Horchata bucket
There. Much better. This week’s Meast is Justin Tuck.
Tuck notched 2.5 sacks and was penalized 15 yards for a completely legal hit that the referees deemed “too measty.” Well, it’s not too measty for KSK. We won’t be satisfied with hits on Brooks Bollinger until Bollinger craps his pants out of the league.
Tags: captain caveman, crippling addictions, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week
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November 6th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I find Horchata goes well with Bourbon.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Are you sure Horchata is Mexican? I’ve never seen it on the menu at Taco Bell or Chipolte.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
the horrified scream at :10 wasn’t very meastly.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
dagreat,
That was CC running out the door for Horchata.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I find Horchata goes well on whores.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I want some taquitos…
November 6th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I think of it Horchata as mainlining rice pudding. I don’t generally like rice pudding, but mainlining just makes everything taste better.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
There’s gotta be a way to make this alcoholic without ruining the taste… maybe Kahlua or some sort of Irish whiskey?
November 6th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Barely functioning alcoholics DO NOT waste time on non-alcoholic nonsense. If they do feel like switching up flavors, they drink Mad Dog 20/20, and if they want to feel fancy, they use a thermos top to drink it.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
From Wikipedia: One legend links the origins of the name to King Jaume I, who after being given the drink for the first time by a local in Alboraya, was said to have exclaimed “Això és or, xata!” (”That’s gold, darling!”)
November 6th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
King Jaume I sounds a lot like Kenny Bania.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
That stuff is made out of tigernuts for goodness sakes. TIGERNUTS! No wonder it looks so spermy. GAAAHHHH.
/oh and that review of Clontarf Irish Whiskey was gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I won’t be satisfied with hits on any Dallas Cowboy until they’ve been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.
/Eagles fan
November 6th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
a Horchata (an Horchata? Damn Spanish)
If you keep this up, I’m going to develop a serious grammar crush on you, Ufford.
/yay Justin Tuck!
November 6th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Bollinger shits his pants on every play. By the time Tuck got to him, there was nothing but dry ass-heaves.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
The Pats run began with the Tuck Rule and ended with Justin Tuck.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Actually, CC and Smurphette, if you’re going to be ruthlessly adherent where the Queen’s English is concerned, it should be “an Horchata” regardless of whether or not the H is articulated… in pronunciation, it should be elided away to accommodate the indirect article.
asfdj;lawyto;ihw;oirn;ang;lkj;lkj I hate myself.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Counterpoint: anyone who says “an historic moment” should get punched in the throat.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I like Jarritos.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
What the hell. I have never seen this on any of the Mexican taquerias I frequent.
No matter I will give this a shot…
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Horchata-Cinnamon-Rice-Milk/Detail.aspx
November 6th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Ouch, my throat!
It’s reflexive. I can’t help it. I had it trained into me at my all-girls school along with posture and the fear of penises.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
@ Forced Entry
You have to just try the delectable and tasty drink I had in San Diego a few weeks back while partying with friends called a Rice Rocket. A lil’ coconut Rum and some Horchata and you just don’t know whose pants might be coming off when The Mighty Quinn is out and about!
November 6th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Hey Capitan el Cavo Mano, do they have choco tacos there?
November 6th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
@Futuremrs: WTF? I was simply applauding his self-correction in parentheses. Of course using “an” before the Spanish pronunciation of “Horchata” is an aurally pleasing construction, but it has nothing to do with Spanish grammar (as you undoubtedly know, you Nazi-harboring, Italian-wannabe Argentine). It’s merely incidental to the correct usage of the “an” placed in parentheses.
/laces up her LOLLERSKATES at the alleged “fear of penises”
November 6th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I’m aware that you’re always concerned with aural pleasure, Smurphette.
November 6th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Smurphette vs. FMRA. WHO YA GOT?
November 6th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Horchata is basically the milk left over from eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And it’s fucking amazing.
November 6th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@Forced Entry – It is my pleasure to introduce you to the Pinche Gringo . . . essentially a White Russian except you substitute Horchata for half & half. In the words of fatty Drew, fuck and yes!
November 6th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
@FMRA – What did that all girls school teach you, how to correct everyone’s grammar? Have you gotten over the penis part yet?
November 6th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Dammit! Thank you for reminding me that I no longer live in San Diego where the Horchata runs across the border like moonshine and I’m back in Detroit where my late night choices are two coney deluxes with cheese or football misery.
November 7th, 2008 at 9:14 am
I thank you, Mr. Brady Quinn and Patchy Drizzle for my future days of getting “girl drink drunk”
http://www.maximumfun.org/blog/2006/07/kids-in-hall-girl-drink-drunk.html
November 7th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Führer Goodell now has decided the hit to be too measty because he just fined Tuck $7500 for it.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:07 am
wow– a perfectly clean hit gets you fined $7500. He should have gotten his money’s worth and driven a knee into his chode.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am
CC- I hear mixing a bit of Capitan Morgans brings the undiluted joy of alcohol to the horchata.
November 7th, 2008 at 11:12 am
@Forced Entry – You know what they (Gay Mafia) say . . . drunk is drunk – it matters little how you get there.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Führer Goodell now has decided the hit to be too measty because he just fined Tuck $7500 for it.
So Justin Tuck’s tackle, which was directly at the torso of the opposing quarterback, was illegal, but Bernard Pollard’s tackle of Tom Brady, in which Pollard’s head was at the level of Brady’s mid-thigh, was okay? Oh brother.
November 8th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Chingo Bling mentions Horchata’s in songs , not sure what he meant exactly