Peter King And His Beloved Boy Toys
A very sad thing happened last week. Our friends at Fire Joe Morgan decided to shut down their site. But their legacy will not be forgotten. I don’t want to live in a world where people can’t repost breathtakingly inane commentary and mercilessly tear it to shreds. So it is up to each and every one of us to carry their torch, and to piss all over retard columnists as often as humanly possible.
So let’s do that right now. Say, Peter King, what do you think of that Kerry Collins fellow?
Tennessee has to sign Kerry Collins to a fair-market deal, even if it means Vince Young has to sit behind him for two more years … or if it means the Titans lose Bud Adams’ favorite boy toy.
Never thought Bud Adams and Kevin Spacey had so much in common, did you?
Tony Romo’s a hero.
He sure is. To bravely sit out a month with a broken pinkie, and then to make a triumphant comeback by playing somewhat better than Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger? And to do it all while still leading the league in smiles? What a man. I’ve known men who have been shot down over Hanoi and tortured with ice picks who aren’t 1/50th as valiant as Tony Romo. A memorial to his gallant actions must be erected.
“That’s why I came back.”
-Brett Favre, in a text message at 1:14 a.m. Friday, following the scintillating win over the Patriots.
“That’s why I came back, Peter. So I could barely defeat an injury-ravaged team, then send you text messages in the dead of night, so that you could then write a 30,000-word paean to me the following day about how much I love the game. There’s no better feeling in the world than having your tongue rooting around my rectal cavity.”
The numbers don’t matter. They never matter in classic Favre games.
So true. You can’t brand a five-pick game a “Favre classic” if you actually pay attention to how he did.
The Jets needed a classic Favre game to slay the Patriots in Foxboro, and they got something better.
Consistent accuracy? Balls not thrown 50 yards down the field just for the fuck of it?
But I write this note because of what I noticed in the wood-paneled, spacious, Wi-Fi-enabled locker room. The room, on an 78-degree Tampa afternoon, was odor-free… The theory: If the odor-causing items — shoes, pads, helmets, practice gear — are near or next to an exhaust system designed to suck nearby air out of the locker through two big vents, there won’t be any smell to linger.
What a country.
That’s the kind of Renuzit-inspired innovation that will put our economy back on track!
Don’t you get the feeling the Jeremy Shockey experiment is going to turn out very bad for the Saints?
A classic King observation. Take something that is already glaringly obvious and recast it as a prediction. Here are a couple of other samples I made up just now. You can do it, too!
“Don’t you guys get the feeling that these Tennnessee Titans could turn out to be a pretty good football team?”
“Ever get the sneaking suspicion that all is not right with Al Davis and the Raiders? That team could be headed for turmoil!”
“Call me crazy, but I’m not sure Marvin Lewis is going to be around next year.”
“Don’t be surprised if you find out I like pulling charm bracelets out of my ass!”
“You heard it here first, folks: That Steve Kroft is one heckuva journalist.”
Hugh Laurie is to acting what Joshua Cribbs is to special-teaming.
Hang on… let me just double check… yes, yes, it’s happened. You’ve broken the analogy as a linguistic construct, Mr. King. Every standardized English test in the country just self-immolated at this very moment. Yes, Hugh Laurie is to acting what Joshua Cribbs is to special-teaming. And Lisa Edelstein is to cleavage-baring japs what Scott Pioli is to player scouting and development!
Every day, I find myself saying some “Seinfeld” line. Sometimes three, four, five times a day.
And don’t get him started on the “Austin Powers” quotes, either! Does Tony Romo make you horny baby, YEAH DOES HE?!!
NOTE: Si.com has since removed that “boy toy” line from King’s post. But I swear it was in there. And, as tribute, Christmas Ape provides us with PK’s theme song.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, easy targets, FJM style, peter king, thanks ken dak and junior, THE BUCS ARE ODOR-FREE
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November 17th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
“Hey, has anyone seen Cheers? Now that’s a funny show!”
November 17th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
As I read today’s MMQB, I thought “they’ll have a KSK rebuttle of this column up within the next few hours”. Thanks for not disappointing, fellas. :D
November 17th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
This should be a weekly feature. I’m pretty sure you can count on King to do his part by sucking on a weekly basis.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
9. Carolina (8-2). Quietest 8-2 team in recent NFL history. And perhaps the most suspect.
You mean the 8-2 team that, in consecutive weeks, had to sweat out wins against the Raiders and Lions, and got its ass handed to it 27-3 by the best team it played (the Bucs), might be suspect? Well I’ll be damned.
In King’s defense, I didn’t see the “or if it means the Titans lose Bud Adams’ favorite boy toy” line in the column – did some editor come in after BDD read the column and reign in PK’s homoeroticism?
November 17th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Under “Ten Things I Think I Think”:
i. “The Panthers had the day off. They hosted Detroit,” Keith Olbermann said on “Football Night in America.”
The FUCK? Care to explain? You think what? A quote by a blathering idiot?
November 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
@miami: I swear that line was in there.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Peter King is to writing what Amy Winehouse is to pop stardoming.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Please, please do a separate post about Tony Romo’s “outfit.” Please. They actually mentioned it on the local news today. Apparently, gaying it up gave him the strength to (barely) defeat the Redskins.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@miamidiesel: I read it this morning and it was in there too. Some hack probably edited it out after how gay that made PK seem.
HEY SI: It’s too late. We already know.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Keith Olbermann is unwatchable. Actually, that whole NBC pre-game cas,t except Costas, is brutal.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
AND STOP TAUNTING ME WITH YOUR MCNABB POSTS! YOU GOING TO MAKE ME PUKE!
November 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@ miami – the line was in there, I read it this morning.
November 17th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Lisa Edelstein? She’s my second-favorite daughter of Moses, behind ESPN’s Rachel Nichols
November 17th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
The last paragraph on the first page give props to a guy for stopping Culpepper on a two point conversion. The problem was he stopped him with a blatant face mask that wasn’t called. Pete mentions how he bent the guy back. That was because he was pulling on his helmet.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I believe you, BDD. That’s the thing about websites. They can update them at any time and disappear shit that they didn’t notice sounded incredibly fucking gay until after someone who isn’t PK read it and said, “Man, that sounds really fucking gay, we probably ought to change that before Deadspin or those KSK fuckers read it.”
But seriously, please make fun of Romo’s hat, at least. He’s letting Jessica dress him now. Further proof of his poor judgment.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
@BDD, J4B, Animal Mother: I don’t question for a second that the line was in the column at some point before I read it. I can’t even imagine what PK’s rough drafts look like, but I would think they’re at a level that would make even the GLAAD crowd cringe and say “that’s just gay”
November 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Hines Wald make much objection to idea of Tony Lomo reading reague in smirres!
*blinks away a tear for FJM*
November 17th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Don’t you just get the feeling that being the Kosher meat in a Lisa Edelstein, Rachel Nichols and Bonnie Bernstein Sandwich would fucking rule?
November 17th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Just listening to podcast of DP’s first hour with PK. PK was asked by Dan to text Donovan about whether he was joking. PK says “me and Donovan are (mumble mumble) not like King and Favre.” HE WENT THIRD PERSON. And really, Donovan has got to be happy PK is not after him the same way as he haunts Favre.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Totally saw the Boy-Toy line. I figured the right number of hours until KSK got a hold of it would be a max of 6 hours.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Tony Lomo no read reague in SMIRRES!!!! Hines Wald vellly angly at you Petell King. Velly Angly. Make upside down intellnet smirre now!! :( Don’t come ovel the midderr oll you’re be solly.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Don’t you think the whole Brutus thing is going to turn out very bad for Julius Ceasar?
November 17th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
and what does biff have to say about all of this?
November 17th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
One time I bruised a finger and it really, really hurt. I whacked off anyway. Who’s the hero now?
November 17th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
While watching the Jets/Pats game, I think the phrase “PICK 6!!!” was yelled at the TV approximately 600 times by the crew we had assembled.
I still can’t believe he didn’t hurl at least one wounded duck.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Call me crazy, but I could see the Lions finishing with a losing season.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I saw the ‘boy toy’ line and thought it was more racist than homophobic, but why split hairs on King’s idiocy.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Don’t look now, but I’ll bet on a championship game of some sort being staged in early February. Possibly between the winners of the AFC and NFC, with the goal of identifying the best team in the NFL.
November 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
A championship game? Between two opposing conferences? Oh sir, you do jest.
Alternatively, Lisa Edelstein is to appropriate work attire what Mark Cuban is to fair and proper business practices.
November 17th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
@FozzieBear: I second this being made into a weekly feature.
Now, I’m no genius, but I think the Bears may not have a good defense.
I have this hunch that the Browns are not going to follow up their 2007 season successfully.
Be aware, the Seahawks may not win their division this year.
November 17th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
One time I bruised a finger and it really, really hurt. I whacked off anyway.
You did it with your other hand! Admit it!
November 17th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
The “boy toy” line was in the original. Googling proved it!
If your anal about it — and, no, the use of the term “anal” in that sentence is not some disguised gay reference to Peter King/Kevin Spacey/Vince Young — do a google news search with the terms “vince young” “bud adams” “boy toy” and the line appears in the article summary.
November 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
@ Public Enemy, FozzieBear – agreed on the weekly feature. I’ve been writing to that fat fuck every Monday for the last 3 years politely asking him to address the idea that he might have a wittle bitty bias for certain quarterbacks, but to no avail. Posts like this make me feel less ashamed of the time I’ve wasted on it.
/”fat fuck” referenced above = PK, not BDD
November 17th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@ Screamapillar
When I read your “writing to that fat fuck” comment, BDD came to mind before Peter King did.
November 17th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
As a Token Jew, I will accept your thanks for Lisa Edelstein. Cash only, please.
November 17th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Here’s another one: “Justin Gage, WR, Tennessee. Admit it. You, like me, have been down on the Titans wideouts all season. Thought they’d eventually doom the Tennesseans to failure. Well, in the last two weeks, they’ve come up big, and Gage was huge in the come-from-behind 24-14 win at Jacksonville. Four catches, 147 yards, two touchdowns from Gage, giving him eight catches for 194 yards and three TDs over the past two weeks.”
So, PK is saying that he had a great game yesterday, but then throws in last weeks mediocre stats (4 catches, 47 yards, 1 TD) for some unknown reason?
November 17th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
A weekly FJM-style skewering of Peter King would be like the sweet chocolate syrup to complete the KSK Choco Taco. Food Metaphor? Fuck and yes.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
It may not shake out well for the Neanderthals in this whole Neanderthal versus Homo Sapien thing. Just a feeling I have.
November 18th, 2008 at 12:11 am
FPK!