One Douche In Search of an Author
11.16.08
Mike Tunison: WOOOOOOOOO! Gameday, baybee! Gonna rock the shit outta these San Diego Stupor Chargers! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH A GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM! BOM BOM BOM BOM! WE CHEER THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS!
[Cranks Boards of Canada album]
Jean Grey: Merrrow
Mike: Yeah hi Jean.
Jean: Merrrrrrrrrrow
Mike: What, goddammit?
Mike: What do you want? Food? Can’t you see I’m too busy writing retard Ben and racist Hines posts? Switching L’s and R’s is strenuous work. God forbid Hines wants to run another flea flicker this week. What is that…free frickel?
Jean: Merrrrrrrrrow
Mike: SHUT UP KITTEH! THAT’S A BAD KITTEH!
[Knock on door]
Mike: Awesome! There’s the pizza.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaayyyyyyyy!
Mike: It can’t be.
Rivers: OH BUT IT IS, COCKWALLET. What the shit is this dump? You’d be better off in your parent’s basement. They got a pool table down there. I bet an actual ape lives in better conditions. THE SERVANT’S QUARTERS AT LASERFACE MANOR IS NICER THAN THIS FUCKING LITTER-STREWN HOVEL! I COULD WIPE MY ASS ON YOUR DINNER TABLE AND IT’D BE WORTH MORE THAN EVERYTHING EXCEPT YOUR LAPTOP. MAYBE I’LL WIPE MY ASS ON THAT!
Mike: How the…? What is the…? The fuck?
Rivers: The fuck is right, blog bitch. My Tiny Darren showed me how you’ve besmirched the Marmalard brand name on your web log. You can make fictional me, but you can’t make a fictional LaToeInjury who doesn’t play like an infected labia or a defense that can actually stop someone? CHEW ON And we both know I’ve never said “ya betta ask somebodddddayyyyyy” in my life.
Mike: But you just said it when you came in here.
Rivers: Look, I, what I…FUCK YOU, KISSING SUZY’S CORNHOLE BOY!
Jean: Merrrrooowww
Rivers: Awwwww, is this yo widdle fuzziewumpkins?
WHAT SELF-RESPECTING MAN HAS A FUCKING CAT!? UNLESS YOU’RE A BOND VILLAIN, THAT SHIT IS JAY CUTLER GAY! JUST LOOK AT THIS 10-POUND BAG OF FUZZY SHIT AND FELINE AIDS.
[Picks up cat and hurls it across the room. Jean floats in the air long enough to give herself a bath, then lands on her feet and walks into the next room]
I got your team today, blog bitch. You think it’s great at have a little titter at my expense. But I’m the second-rated QB in the league while Braindead Ben is hanging below Gus Frerotte. WHAT’S YOUR BLOG MOT FOR THAT. HUH? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU!
Mike: Well what the fuck are you doing here? The game’s about to start.
Rivers: Cutlerfucker! [Runs off down hall, knocking over pizza guy in the process]
Mike: [Writes more one-handed blog posts]
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spconfer on cialis feigned
Is that a copy of Men with Balls next to the lamp?
Drew says: That’s a good little bitch.
this thread made my mind explode
“Jay Cutler Gay” should be a tag
How is he going to break for a TD when everyone is standing 50 yards down the field?
It’s a crappy situation, you’re probably going to lose either way, but if you throw a deeper pass and start laterals you have a chance. If you throw it deep, you’ll get 5 people with a jump ball and no way to get into the end zone.
BS. yoyo, how many times have laterals worked? it’s a once a decade instance. throw to your stud receiver and hope he breaks for a TD.
207 comments. 34 if you don’t count Ape’s.
Dude
The play started at the 21, you can’t do a hail mary from there. If by some miracle the chargers catch the pass, they’re still nowhere near the endzone.
From that far away, you need to do some laterals.
You shouldn’t lateral period.
Choices: Throw a hail mary to your best receiver and hope for a miracle or risk it with 6-7 little passes. Which would you go for? 6-7 short passes from people who don’t know how to throw a ball more than 2 yards if they’re lucky or one big pass from a QB and a possibility that you’re stud receiver pulls a miracle and breaks for a TD…
Waiting for the money to show up in my account…
You gamble on enough games stuff like this doesn’t surprise you anymore. I had the Spurs +7 in the game where they were eliminated by the Lakers, and that Sasha Vujacic kid shot in a 3 at the buzzer for no reason to cover the spread.
So losing on a crazy fumble-recovery-lateral would just be another story to tell at the bar.
@skc via Leigh
THAT might be the understatement of the year.
AND….when Cal did it, people had the fucking sense to run backward when someone else got the ball. That’s why they didn’t run out of people to lateral too. You don’t just race down the field tossing the ball around.
Oh And the forward lateral was total bullshit.
I took the Steelers to cover at home against Baltimore on Week 3 or 4 and learned the hard way that the 2008 Steelers aren’t big on covering spreads.
Time for some Patrick/Olberman.
The best part of that ending there was that the Chargers had to sit for a couple mins on the sidelines, knowing that they had just lost the game, but can’t walk off the field.
football might be fixed?
Steelers can’t cover at home… pretty good offensive coordinator
I hate to say it – because I may have just lucked out and not busted out – but that was TD for the Steelers and it was taken away because the refs were too lazy to get everyone on the field for the PAT.
/booo refs
Whenever a pro team does that they always lateral it too soon. It’s like they’re so excited to finally have permission to lateral. You don’t lateral until you’re trapped. 2 seconds elapsed and they had already lateraled to the last man back. You would think (since Pittsburgh had the 4 men all the way back), the great LT could have run a little against a 7 man defense before pitching it.
And also, what a fucking circle jerk by the officials on that play.
“It was confusing even for the officials.”
Understatement of the year.
hahahahahaha all the bettors are killing themselves right now.
Oh bullshit. Vegas called that shit in.
Whatever. Steelers win.
Wait, scratch that. They don’t. Oh well.
What a fuck up
There was no illegal forward pass. Not even close.
The fuck? What’s going on here?
Nooooooo
I needed another fantasy point from Jeff
CHARGERS +5 BIG WINNER!
And with that touchdown, the Steelers cover the spread.
The spread was 5. Great moment in sports gambling history right here.
Skippy is clutch! Marmalard and LaJoke are stunned!
WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH A GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM
BOM BOM BOM BOM
WE CHEER THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS
HARF NICE PLAY SAMOA JESUS!
fuck the Steelers running up the score…
Wow, way to bust out sports gamblers everywhere. I think everyone had the Bolts +5.
Yeah, let’s go short and throw some laterals instead of rolling the dice with a hail mary. Let’s play the odds.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
Wait, why would you be typing a blog post with one hand?
Oh.
Ha! Touchdown with 0:00.
Ben: HARF HARF HARF WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
Ben Rongrastname is really confused about what Tloy just did.
what was the spread?
is the game over yet?
STEELERS COVER!
Rich can choke on my dick!
how bout that shit
Has anyone ever hit one of those skycams on the zip lines? Marmalard has the best chance
wow the jags suck so bad I am now watching the steerels.
Norv needs to adjust his resume.
What’s with Ben and Reed making wanking motions?
Is Reed going to gibe Ben happy time? Or Hines Wald’s sisters will love him long time?
lol, every ounce of body fluid he could.
Did Norv just adjust his package?
You mean the Steeler fans don’t sing the song like:
“HEY!… YOU SUCK!”
Stupid fucking Jeff Reed.
Did the Steewahs make that fee-uld goal?
Yes they did.
Fuck you Rich. Steelers win.
Oh, and good call Mick, the Steelers are a good team but I haven’t noticed them covering many spreads (at least, as favorites).
KICK THE FIELD GOAL NOW.
Leave it to a fucking former Detroit Lion to ruin the Steelers’ day
Best holding call all day.
/money on Super Chargers
THERE IS A FLAG!
It’s entirely possible the Steelers are about to slap the Chargers out of the playoffs.
It’s the Bolts’ own fault – should have won the games they were supposed to. Now they have to win games (like this one) they shouldn’t.
Do we start talking 16-0 yet? Let’s run the Madden simulation…
“He’s been smart with the football, and he’s about to be rewarded for that today.”
Phil Simms knows about the Choco Tacos?
You know it’s go time for Tennessee when Fisher forms the Goatee. It’s his serious face.
hines is money. hines should be the play-caller.
“throw to me.”
/end of huddle
Gotta love Mike Tomlin and his leather jacket.
Pittsburgh has the worst grass in the NFL.
SMIRRE, motherfuckers!
Jeff Fisher continues his ownership of the Jaguars.
/double fist pump!
I can’t believe I’m missing out on the Redskins’ knockoff Terrible Towels tonight in the biggest gathering of douchebag fans south of Foxboro tonight…
and somewhere I hope The Mayor gets bitchslapped by a big brotha Cowboy fan
The officiating is ludicrously one-sided. Have the Chargers been called for one penalty?
Hines goes over 100 again
Hey – ironically that team has Kaeding, who I was just ragging on. I didn’t think anyone in my league had him.
I wonder what the Emo Eagles think about the tie today. Could this tie combined with the election of Obama be a righteous foreshadow for true equality in America? People will talk.
All I know is Frank Gore has 20 fantasy points on 100+ yards with 2 TDs, glad I’m not facing that team this week…
Football is king, but sometimes the urge to create tissue warriors take priority.
Looks like I missed that little San Diego kid kicking a field goal. Awww! He kicked it thwough the upwights, yes he did!
can someone on the west coast tell me if they are just sitting Frank Gore cause seattle sucks ass, or if gore is hurt
What’s really lame is that the trailer dwellers in Kansas City still do the tomahawk chop.
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