Once Again, More Down Home Wisdom From Terry Bradshaw
Once in a while, FOX’s Terry Bradshaw stops by our fair site to dispense his much-loved brand of folksy advice. Take it away, Terry.
You know, I’ve traveled all across this country, far and near. I’ve met lots of people, and gotten all kinds of different gum diseases! And I’ve learned a whole lot meeting people out on the road, and then marrying them, and then divorcing them. For instance…
My daddy always said that if you’ve got yourself some gum, then you’ve got yourself some glue!
If you burn a book, you just release its knowledge out into the air. I done breathed lots of book smoke in my time. How else you thinks I got so smart?
Run out of hogs to make fancy city bacon? Just grab an opossum!
My favorite route is the crossing route! Especially if I’ve got a squirmer in the trunk!
Nothin’ in the Bible says you can’t be baptized with swamp water!
I’ll tell you what. If you ever need a cure for the homosexuality, I got one for ya: Kate Jackson’s drippin’ cooter!
Ain’t no black folk play a washboard quite like creole folk! HOO WEE, THAT’S ONE PURTY SOUNDING WASHBOARD THERE, FELLA!
Ever tried roasting a critter on a spit? Critter eatin’s the best eatin’ there be!
Depression’s terrible. It can eat at your very soul. You end up trapping yourself in this very dark place that you just can’t seem to escape. You feel cold. And alone. And you feel like there’s no hope. That there’s nothing you can do about it. But there is something you can do about it. Watch “Failure To Launch”!
Where I come from, you can always tell if a girl is marriage material by tasting her gumbo. And her tit milk!
Don’t throw out that fish head! Head’s the best part!
When we eventually colonize Mars, I hope we bring the crawdaddies with us!
Howie was in some Radio Shack commercials, you know? I sez to him, “We had a radio shack growin’ up! Kept the AM tuner in the outhouse!”
You ain’t need no cell phone when you got yourself 10-10-220, and someone who can read numbers and what not!
You know what would be a real purty name for a baby girl? Nutria!
Don’t care what the eggheads tell me, the speed of sound is 6. 6 what? 6 nothing, just 6.
Jillian Barberie is what Grammy Bradshaw would call a real “alligator boot whore”!
I don’t care what no one say, you know damn well a computer ain’t nothin’ but a typewriter attached to a teevee!
My momma always said a black tooth means six weeks of good luck!
If you ever see a feller in Oklahoma named Billy Joe “Blackjack” Raymond, you tell him Terry Bradshaw said hi! And then you take a crowbar and nail that sumbitch in the damn head with it. I WANT MY MARBLES BACK, BLACKJACK! THERE’S A SIDE TO TERRY BRADSHAW YOU DON’T SEE ON THAT THERE TEEVEE, ASSHOLE! YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT I’M CAPABLE OF WHEN A MAN’S GOT MY MARBLES!
They tell me we landed on the moon, but every night I look up there and I’ve never seen no flag!
You know, my momma always said that “Black Snake Moan” was about her! Ain’t that somethin’?
These California folk out here in LA sure are weird! They use forks!
Ain’t no better siding than tin foil siding!
Thanks, Terry. More backwater wisdom from Terry to come!
Tags: annoying people, ksk group posts, retarded people, slack-jawed yokels, stupid people, terry bradshaw's down home wisdom, too much ephedra pills
November 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
That’s a purty mouth you got there, son.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Where I come from, you can always tell if a girl is marriage material by tasting her gumbo. And her tit milk!
I’m from near those neck of the woods and he’s right…if the tit milk’s right, marry that girl! BTW, you can also taste her momma’s tit milk and find out what it’s gonna be like in 6 years when she’s 23!
November 12th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Mighty citified spelling of ‘possum.’
November 12th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Why didn’t this half-wit off himself in the 80’s?
Goddamn you Zoloft!
November 12th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I believe we have another gospel in the making here.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:25 am
I’ve known Alligator Boot Whore’s in my life. You ma’am, are no Alligator Boot Whore.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I’ll tell you what. If you ever need a cure for the homosexuality, I got one for ya: Kate Jackson’s drippin’ vagina! I was always a Jaclyn Smith man myself back in the day.
Y’all git dis coonass yokel outta mah teevee ya heah…
November 12th, 2008 at 11:35 am
@Slothrop – Mighty citified spelling of ‘possum.’
Thank you, I call shennanigans. Buncha northeast city fags writin’ this.
However, they almost redeemed themselves with “cure for the homosexuality”. Just like pappy used to say.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Mmmm, Kate Jackson. Reminds me I haven’t rubbed one out in the office for some time.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:53 am
BDD:
Never mind about that invitation to come drink in Atlanta. Clearly, you already are familiar with Georgia.
November 12th, 2008 at 11:55 am
So a cure for depression is watching ole’ Terry walking around nekkid?
November 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Oh Lord…they have been running this ad promo on the local sports/talk radio down here in New Orleans for weeks/months now and in it, Terry Bradshaw is calling in to talk to Bobby Hebert and he says things like, “I’da bet my best pig on that game!”
/realizes that most people think we’re idiots down here…and most people are right
November 12th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
@Shinons
If you consider ’suicide’ a ‘cure’ for ‘depression’…then yes. Watching Terry nekkid will do just fine.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Head’s the best part!
It sure is Terry, it suuuuuuure is.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@Mike – True. That explains Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Bates to go along with nekkid Terry.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I believe the word you were looking for is ‘cooter’. I’ll leave it up to everyone to determine which of the great many words in this terrific article best needs replacing.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Maybe for Terry the tag should be ‘retared poeple’
November 12th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Thanks for that Black Snake Moan reference. I hadn’t thought of Christina Ricci’s titties in a while. Like a whole 5 minutes.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
“Kate Jackson’s drippin’ cooter”
Nice. Terry Bradshaw’s cure for homosexual depression: spanking it to “Scarecrow & Mrs. King” reruns.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
“When we eventually colonize Mars, I hope we bring the crawdaddies with us!”
yay, i found the real Bradshaw quote. where’s my prize? because i am absolutely sure he has said this several times during his life.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
“Kate Jackson’s Drippin’ Cooter” is going to be the name of my band.
Nice one, Robert Evans.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@ Otto
Who’s going to play Jew’s harp?
November 12th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
“Kate Jackson’s Drippin’ Cooter”
Is it bad luck to change your team’s name this close to the playoffs?
November 13th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
@Kimbo:
I was wondering the same thing.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Did you see that ol’ Terry was mentioned in this piece?
http://newyorker.com/humor/2009/01/19/090119sh_shouts_greenman