In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!



Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?

Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!

Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?

Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.

Marvin: Whatever.

Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!

Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?

Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.

Marvin: But why?

Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.

Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?

Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?

Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.

Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?

Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.

Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?

Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.

That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.

Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?

Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?

Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.

Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?

Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!

Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.

Ocho: Yeah, but it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?

Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.

Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.

Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.

YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!

Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.

IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!

Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.