Ocho And Marvin, Under One Roof! The Election Episode
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?
Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.
Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!
Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?
Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.
Marvin: Whatever.
Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!
Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?
Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.
Marvin: But why?
Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.
Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?
Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?
Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.
Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.
Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?
Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.
Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?
Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.
That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.
Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.
Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?
Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?
Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.
Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?
Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.
Marvin: What?
Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!
Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.
Ocho: Yeah, but it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?
Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.
Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.
Marvin: Like what?
Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.
Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.
Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.
YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!
Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.
Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.
IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!
Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, helicopters, I could eat a nob at night, may have borrowed Ocho's dialogue from my toddler, ocho and marvin, platforms, sticks, the black Karl Pilkington, vote yes on cloudhouses
November 4th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Cloudhouses? Phht, Dan Quayle thought of that years ago
November 4th, 2008 at 11:07 am
YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!
Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.
See, that is what I thought of too. NOT.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:08 am
This is the true story!
Of two Bengals!
Picked to live in a house!
etc.
Oh, and that whole “You’re astonishingly wrong” exchange so closely mirrors ones I’ve had with Republican friends that it actually makes my head hurt.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:16 am
“All we see is white cloudhouses all over the country. WHERE ARE THE BLACK CLOUDHOUSES?? God Almighty the world is READY for a black cloudhouse!”
/Sharpton
//probably funnier a few years ago
November 4th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Um, considering how lousy the Bengals play, are we really to believe Coach Lewis isn’t just as big an idiot?
November 4th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!
UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!
/slow clap
November 4th, 2008 at 11:18 am
My very own fire truck? Now that’s change I can get behind.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:22 am
So an Ocho and Marvin post triggers Sunkist BET ads, very interesting indeed!
November 4th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I think Dukakis ran on a cloudhouse platform.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Ocho Cinco and Emmit Smith should have their own debate show
November 4th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Presidential candidate Ocho Cinco would choose T.J. Houshmanzadeh as his running mate, but strategists suggest that his name might scare off rural voters.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:47 am
This is such a damning indictment of obama I am saluting. With my hand. (Per FM 22-5)
You however, forgot the classic Ocho lines when discussing clouds – “But they could” or “You don’t know that”.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Ocho gets confused by butterfly ballots.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Oh, wanted to add this story relayed to me by a Dem pollster. He knocks on a house, older lady answers.
P: “Hi ma’am, I’m taking a survey, are you and your husband registered and who are you voting for”?
OL: (yells back into the house) “WHO ARE WE VOTING FOR”!?
H (Yells back): “WE’RE VOTING FOR THE N!GGER”!
OL: (Turns to the pollster): (pleasant normal voice): “We’re voting for the n!gger”
Republicans are fekked. And they brought this on themselves.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair.
Was this Baby G’s contribution? I can see the flashcards are paying off.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Coach, you’re wrong about a lot of things, Look what Ray Lewis got me
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v467/metalchick666/Random%20Pics/bacon_salt.jpg
shit floats.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.
I hear ya, Marvin! If there was a simple 5 or 10 question survey you had to take before voting to make sure that you knew at least a little bit about the candidate you planned to vote for, this election would be a landslide for McCain. I respect well-informed democrats (even the most liberal among them) who vote based upon a different set of values and world views than me, but that is not what is overwhelmingly swinging this election. The number of completely clueless voters who are casting their ballots based upon what one candidate looks like is astonishing… and sickening. I am extremely proud of our country for the fact that an african american candidate can have such a successful campaign that resonates with so many people who either don’t notice or look beyond the color of his skin. With that being said, I very seriously doubt that 91-97% of african americans are voting for Obama because they agree with him on issues. I shudder to think what the reaction would be if 91-97% of whites were polled to be for McCain! We are pretty close to being a 50-50 country on most issues (or 45-45, with 10% of people somehow always remaining undecided)- regardless of the package that delivers the message. The difference in this election, unfortunately, boils down to the most mindless reasoning by which to choose a leader: He’s young, he’s black, he’s hip.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
We might end up with socialized medicine and taking home about 15% of our paychecks, but DAMMIT…we’ll be cool doing it.
Guuuuuh.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Right, cause rich white people ain’t voting for the rich white guy cause he’s a rich white guy, but for his policies on campaign finance reform.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I asked my boss to leave early today so I could vote yes on proposition sweatpants before 7
November 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
An Absolute Obamanation
You’re so clever
November 4th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
PoFlaWa’s a-brewin’!
November 4th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Blue Thunder had a noise control knob on its helicopter motor
November 4th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@Obamanation
Wow, what a poor, blatant attempt at starting a poltical flame war. At least throw out some decent bait for fuck’s sake.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Slothrop, that’s an outdated and moronic stereotype. For one thing, noone who has run for president in our lifetime has been anything but rich white guys (the exception this time around is that one candidate is a rich half-white guy). Also, there are probably just as many “evil” rich people who vote democrat as there are republican. While the “corporations” are most likely against the party that caters to unions and wishes to siphon away from their prosperity, there are several other extremely wealthy professions that are overwhelmingly democrat-leaning.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Jesus, of all the places to get into a discussion about this, you choose a football comedy blog?
November 4th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Oh, and that whole “You’re astonishingly wrong” exchange so closely mirrors ones I’ve had with Republican friends that it actually makes my head hurt.
El Duke,
You may have missed this earlier post. My point was basically that this election will not be a mandate on who has the better ideas- or whose ideas are the most appealing to the masses- as it should be. Apparently this observation is much more provocative than saying that the other side is “astonishingly wrong”.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
@Obamanation:
Actually, I think you’d find that there are a great deal more educated Progressive voters than there are Conservative voters. And yes, we’re calling ourselves “Progressive” now, because it’s more in line with what we plan on doing. You can’t honestly tell me that Sarah Palin is some kind of conservative intellectual paragon. When most of the major conservative intellectuals are jumping ship and endorsing Obama, it’s pretty clear that the Republican party has issues of it’s own to deal with. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a Jewish white boy from Indianapolis. Oh, wait. I guess that means my vote is important this time? Well, sucks for you, because I voted for Obama.
I suggest that you and your party take your time away from Washington politics to find yourselves again. The Democrats, and Obama, have got this.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Airwolf had a silent operating mode.
Yes, I’m old.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
BTW, your name is oddly prophetic. It is an Obama Nation. You’re just living in it.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
It’s a good thing the GOP never runs on moronic stereotypes but only their time-tested ‘values’ of hate, war-mongering, race-baiting, and evangelical douchebaggery.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I just want to give Saggy Sack some props for the Blue Thunder reference! That movie was badass back in the day!!
November 4th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.
or water vapor… whatever.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I was undecided until I read the political experts at KSK.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
also, I’m done with the poflawa and sorry I ever got into it. More bewbs, weed, and dick jokes for all.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Wow… Actually, I think you’d find that there are a great deal more educated Progressive voters than there are Conservative voters. It’s good to know that “progreesives” have staked claim on intellectual thought! I made no attempt to belittle people who are voting for Obama because of his ideas and beliefs, yet the responses have mostly been partisan jabs. You are correct that the republican party needs fixing… they’ve run moderates in the last 3 or 4 elections while the dem party’s candidate has consistently resided on the far, far left wing. Hey, it worked! You’ll now have the presidency and both houses (possibly filibuster-proof) with which to make many changes that will be uncomfortable for a large portion of the country (including moderate dems). Your soul-searching days as a party will eventually come as well. Enjoy the next 2-4 years… it’s your turn now. Let’s see if all of your “bi-partisan” rhetoric over the last 8 years has been genuine.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
“You’re astonishingly wrong.”
I’m going to have to use that one sometime.
Bravo
November 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Anyone who used this post to start a PoFlaWa can go eat a pile of Brady Quinn’s shit.
Oh, and I hope Obama kicks the ever-loving shit out of McCain.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Boobs, weed and dick jokes for some, tiny American flags for others.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I get the feeling KSKomments might not be as fun today.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Just one more day and this poflawa shit will disappear … one more day
November 4th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Dammit… too late to change my vote to Ocho Cinco. Oh, wait, he’s not 35 yet. Nevermind.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
slothrop, hate and race-baiting are not exclusive to the GOP.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I’m not sure what is stressing me out more: this election or the fact that the Bills might not win another game all season.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
The ONLY reason why I voted today is because my stupid county bans restaurants from selling alcohol on Sundays…damn you Baptists!!! I vote for what really matters.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I look forward to a more civilized time; one without partisan name-calling. But until we get there, you mouth-breathing Bible-jerking inbred retarded backward-ass closet-case Republicans can get fucked. And you will, today, by about 170 electoral votes.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
mmm, this heaping helping of shit shor am tasty. That Brady gets plenty of fiber in his diet. Lots of protein too.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Boobs, weed and dick jokes for some, tiny American flags for others.
I have all four. The guaranteed winner today? Me.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
thanks SoS about proving my point about hate not being exclusive to the GOP.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
So, did you guys hear there is a game this Thursday. How cool is that shit? And what’s all this election/voting shit anyway? Is there something I should know about?
November 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
SonofSam is counting on an electoral landslide because ACORN gives him an extra Hersey bar and Newport for every extra electoral vote he can help the Democrats steal.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
dAndy, there is only a game this Thursday if you have the NFL Network
November 4th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
And thank you, football469, for proving my point about the GOP being intellectually inferior by not getting the satirical nature of the post. Anyway, enjoy your candidate’s ass-beating tonight!
November 4th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Hit up the Drudge Report…shows the absolute desperation that the Democrats are engaged in, as well as the contempt for the law that they will bring to the table. If your candidate is such a juggernaught, then why are you crapping your pants that he might lose?
November 4th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
First of all, ShavedYak, it’s SonOfSPAM. Second of all, I’m a honky, so I don’t enjoy Newport cigarettes, but thanks for displaying your racist bonafides. And third of all, what’s a Hersey bar? Is that a knock-off that they sell in your trailer park?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I don’t have a problem with people hating, after all hate is what this blog was built on. I think we all owe hate a debt of gratitude.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
The Drudge Report: When Fox News doesn’t use enough exclamation points!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Yeah this posting site needs a spell check. Sorry for misrepresenting your ethnicness. Didn’t know that smokes and candy bars were the exclusive domain of the African-Americans. I guess you are holding out for the Cadburys and high-end Cohiba smokes for your labor. Just don’t report it when you call in for your unemployment check.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
ShavedYak, hate and fear from people supporting Obama? You don’t say.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Apology accepted. And if you’re offering Cohibas, then thanks. I’ll take it easy from here on out; watching the returns tonight will be depressing enough for you.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
And while we’re at it, what’s up with religion? I mean, seriously!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Nah I know either way we are screwed. Best I can hope for is a GOP Senate that can muster the testicalar fortitude to maintain a filibuster. But the upside is now I can be the Angry White Man and engage in the sort of Bush Derangement Syndrome that the left experienced for 8 years. Throw in the Marxist bent for Obama and its GOLD JERRY GOLD!!!!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Git chor goldammed polotics out of my goldammed footballs, you whining fucking bastards. Git yo ass back to redstate or freeperville or whatever goddamed slime pit you crawled out of FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!!!!!!!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.
i believe “roflcopter” applies here
November 4th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Shaved Yak, football469, and An Absolute Obamanation: Remember these words tonight when McCain is conceding defeat.
SCOREBOARD, MUTHAFUCKAS!!! SCORE. BOARD.
And this exchange between Marv and Ocho:
Ocho: Yeah, but it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Makes me lose it everytime. Thanks Drew.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
dAndy, there is only a game this Thursday if you have the NFL Network
Gooooooood Bless AAAAAmeeeeeericaaaaaa
November 4th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I really can’t justify the extra cost for the NFL Network if it involves giving up Cinemax before I see the entire “Busty Cops” trilogy. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I’m sorry, is there some sort of obama-prize? I mean other than hope (giggle) and change (small laugh) oh and of course a tax break for 95% of the population (LAUGHING MY METHERFEKKING A55 OFF) what exactly do supporters of obama get?
November 4th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Pablo Picante made great abstract platforms. People always talk about this Claude Money guy being one of the great Impressionists, but I’ve never heard him do a John Madden or President Bush.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@ An Absolute Obamanation
So long as you maintain the same disgust towards those in the last two elections that voted for the guy they’d rather have a beer with.
/Obama promised me free Cinemax.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Obama promised me money for nothin and chicks for free!!!
November 4th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I know I’m a bit late here, but the Airwolf reference early on in the comments made my *life* and I had to say thanks. Thanks Leaf!
And while I’m here – Obama supporters get the following: NO MORE of this bullshit from the leadership of the country and… and… and… Actually, there is no point in me saying more. You either get why so many people would rather stuff their ears with brillo pads than have another republican administration, or you don’t. Yes, I know that we’re trying to trade one type of pandering bullshit for another, but we need a break. And it will be nice to have a president who has an education and professional experience with Constitutional law. And no evil puppet master veep. And an understanding that diplomacy means more than just telling everyone else that you’re going to do whether they like it or not (if you even bother talking to them at all).
There are many complaints that could (and should) be made about the general media slobbering over Obama, which is appalling. I’m not even that crazy about those policies of his that he’s actually articulated, though they are not all bad. And, in general, having a filibuster-proof majority would remove an important check/balance (Not that the Republicans wouldn’t take that in a second flat if they could). Actually, there is a Republican candidate I would have considered seriously (Hi Ron!! I think you’d be a hoot). It’s just that the Dems could have nominated a sack of rotten potatoes and I would have voted blue just to get the current fuckers out of office. I despise them that much. This post was probably way too serious, I know. And too long. Oh well.
/Dick Cheney joke
November 4th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
This sponsored ad popped up when i was looking at fantasy stuff on ESPN and found it pretty funny
Chad Ocho Cinco’s IQ=127
Are you smarter than #86? Beat his IQ score here.
http://www.Football_IQ.com
And i just noticed after i pasted this that it says #86 hahaha