KSK Off-Topic: The Song of Frances Barton
Yesterday, resident KSKentuckian flubby directed our attention to this story, and without dipping into too much hyperbole, I can say that it is at once the saddest and funniest thing I’ve read all week. It’s a terrible family tragedy in which every tired hillbilly stereotype gets paraded around without the slightest hint of irony.
Come, let’s read it together. Something that involves tractors, highway blockage, trailer smashing, 35-year-old grandmothers, and pie-stealing shouldn’t be experienced alone.
There’s little undisputed in this story, the tale of the tipped trailer.
Frances Barton’s single-wide, the one she had fully paid $5,000 for and was hoping to move to a little piece of land she was buying on a $250-a-month land contract, is now literally in pieces on Jim Gaunce’s front lawn.
Rule of thumb: any news article that includes the term “single-wide” ain’t gonna have much good news.
And, everyone agrees, that leaves some 12 people — four adults and eight children ranging from 3 months to 12 years — facing Thanksgiving with no place to live.
How, exactly, the mobile home came to this odd resting place is where the story gets complicated. On Friday, Barton hired a guy to put her house on a trailer and move it up U.S. 68 in Nicholas County. When the trailer broke down and the house blocked the highway for hours on end, the sheriff got involved…
Barton’s boyfriend, Alan Gaunce, no relation to Jim [Somehow, I doubt that - Ed.], said somebody — he’s not sure who — told him he’d be shot if he didn’t get out of the trailer before it was toppled. Barton, a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair [RAWR!], tearfully contends that Nicholas County Sheriff Dick Garrett “showed no respect for my home” when he ultimately ordered two tractors to ram the thing and set it on its side.
I want you to take a break right now. Think the sexy young grandma was good? Just wait. Try to steel yourself for two paragraphs of pure, unfiltered awesome:
On the other hand, Garrett, a wiry chain-smoker who ran for re-election with the slogan of “More ‘Dick’ in 2006,” maintains that anybody who thinks it’s a fine plan to pay somebody $200 to move their 25-year-old home, all their belongings, and a passel of pets with a farm tractor can’t exactly complain when things go wrong.
“I know I wouldn’t pay somebody $200 to move my house and everything in it,” said Garrett, noting that the group didn’t have a required permit or escort. Basically, he said, he could have arrested the lot of them: Barton, her brood and the hauler. The charge, he said: “being ignorant.”
/kisses fingers
I just checked to see who wrote this article. Mary Meehan. I would make love to her right now if I could.
To be fair, the partial closing of U.S. 68 for some nine hours on a Friday night is pretty major in Nicholas County, where Garrett Tuesday was reviewing a Mayberry-like constituent call concerning a thwarted attempt to snatch a fresh cherry pie from a kitchen.
…while someone provided a backdrop of up-tempo banjo music, no doubt.
He said he did all he could think of to salvage the mobile home, but had to get the road clear. “It’s a federal highway,” said Garrett, who stood in the rain from roughly 4:30 p.m. Friday until 2 a.m. directing traffic with the rest of his force, a single deputy.
“I’m sorry it happened,” he said, “I really am.”
But, asked what he would have done differently, Garrett said, “I’d have knocked it over sooner.”
That’s it. I want to head up his next reelection committee. “More Dick All the Time.”
Barton spent more than an hour Tuesday standing and crying next to a 10-foot-high pile of wooden walls and pink insulation, sometimes cradling her daughter’s doll, one starting to show signs of black mildew after sitting in the damp remnants of the house. Over and over, she said, “Everything is gone. I’ve lost everything. It’s all I had.”
Whoa. Who invited Debbie Downer? Lady, you mind? We’re trying to laugh about your misfortune.
Barton, who helps manage the mobile park where she lived, paid for her home with a settlement from an automobile accident. It’s the first home she’s owned by herself.
She said she thought the man she hired to move her home knew what he was doing. Chris “Pancake” Meyers told her, she said, that he had more than 13 years’ experience in hauling things and that he had the proper permits and insurance for the move. (She didn’t ask to see proof of insurance or a permit, she said. Meyers could not be reached for comment Tuesday by the Herald-Leader.)
Besides, she trusted Pancake. Anyone with such a delicious name HAS to be good!
About 1½ miles into the move, the tires popped off. Sheriff Garrett said he’s heard that somebody warned the group the tires would be loose and they should stop the move. He said Barton insisted on going ahead.
And soon found herself in front of Jim Gaunce’s house on U.S. 68. Garrett said over the course of the evening, he did everything he could think of to get the house unstuck so it could be salvaged. But, he said, several of the well-intentioned efforts did significant damage to the house. For example, trying to push with one truck from behind while pulling from the front resulted in the hitch coming off and Barton’s blue-walled bedroom being crushed.
“My bad.”
Lee Roberts, owner of Roberts Heavy-Duty Towing in Lexington, said his company was called in to help. “We tried to pull the trailer back on the road but couldn’t without tearing it to pieces.”
When asked to push it off the road to clear the traffic flow, Roberts said he declined to do so.
That’s when, Garrett said, he called on Meyers and another farmer with a tractor to tip the trailer.
He said he gave Barton and her friends and family at least two hours to get out what they needed and asked more than once if they had everything they wanted before he issued the order to push. Garrett said he didn’t know how badly damaged the trailer might be, but thought he had no other choice.
Barton said she collapsed before the final destruction and was taken away by a friend, but Alan Gaunce said Garrett told him the cleanup was “all up to you, baby.”
/fires double gunfingaz
Garret said he has given Barton 10 days to clean up the mess. He’s already talked to the county attorney about charges if the debris hasn’t been removed. Even as looky-loos slowed while driving by the wrecked house and an increasing number of clumps of insulation littered Jim Gaunce’s yard, Garrett said it’s not the responsibility of the county to do the demolition or removal.
Without money, Barton said, she’s relying on friends to dismantle and move the trash. At least two of the men working Tuesday said they took off time from their jobs on horse farms to help and are working with hammers, a sledge hammer and a chain saw. The Red Cross paid for a hotel room for a few days, but now Barton is on her own. The family, a mishmash of real kin and unofficially adopted kids, teens and young adults, are crammed into a smaller trailer while Barton tries to sort through it all.
…Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jordan, Taylor, Britney, Wesley, Rumer, Skyler, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Kaitlyn, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Q-Bert, Phil…
Jim Gaunce, an amiable great-grandfather, watched most of it unfold from his rocker in a sunny living room with windows so spotless birds frequently thud into the glass while trying to fly through.
No shotgun in his lap?
He’s sympathetic to both sides and willing, he said, to be patient as the mess is cleaned up. He worries that the insulation might blow into nearby farms, get eaten by cattle and do some major internal organ damage, putting a dent in someone’s livelihood.
But he knows one thing for sure. “Somebody,” he said, sitting calmly as a chain saw roared, “is going to have to clean that thing up.”
Tags: captain caveman, fun stereotypes, KSK off topic, some folk'll never lose a toe
November 20th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
We had quitters in the Revolution, too. We called them Kentuckians!
November 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
If you are a fucking grandmother at 36, you should seriously consider swallowing a pistol. Unless you do more dumb shit like this with people like “Pancake” and “More Dick” so people like me can laugh.
If so, then by all means, continue to reproduce.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I laughed, I cried …
Maybe I just laughed
November 20th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
personally, i cant believe there was no mention of bourbon in the entire article
November 20th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
the slogan of “More ‘Dick’ in 2006,
in other news pacman Jones reinstated..changes name to richard
November 20th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
“You got ten days to clean up this mess I made, ya fuckin’ slob.”
November 20th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Ape – Can you confirm/deny this is the first time the term “looky-loos” was used in an acutal statewide publication?
“Alright Pie, I’m just gonna go like this – and if you get stolen, it’s your own fault.”
November 20th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I can call my momma from up her…
HEY MA! Git urself off the dang roof!
November 20th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
personally, i cant believe there was no mention of bourbon in the entire article
or oxycontin…or Billy Gillispie
November 20th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Barton’s boyfriend, Alan Gaunce, no relation to Jim [Somehow, I doubt that - Ed.]
Ufford wins.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
David Allen Coe agrees that Mary Meehan has written the perfect news article.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Also residing in the mobile flop house was “Oxy” Contin and Meth O’Dreen.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Some folks’ll never birf 8 kids, but then again, some folks’ll…..like Frances the grandma yokel
November 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I don’t think this is the Kentucky Woman Neil Diamond sung about, but you never know.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
This may be the most awesome piece of real news I’ve ever heard of. (Even as fake as it sounds, I’m going to assume it is real.) I live in a pretty rural area in WA, but I’ve never seen or heard of anything this comical and messed up. Oh, Doc Holiday, she is a grandmother at 35, not 36. Is that how old she is now, or when she became a grandma? I’m betting it’s her current age and she has been a grandma for a while now with multiple grandchildren.
More Dick! (Not for me personally)
November 20th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Besides, she trusted Pancake. Anyone with such a delicious name HAS to be good!
Homer, desserts aren’t always right.
But they’re so tasty…
November 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Out.
Fucking.
Standing.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Ah, other people’s misery really is the best memory.
And all the mentions of Kentucky have given me a hankering for some Jim Beam.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
that story took me on an emotional roller coaster ride. an emotional roller coaster ride of hilarity!
November 20th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Why didn’t we just let the Bible Belt stay seceded?
November 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
@Barry.
Alas this is totally true: If you want to be nice you can send a memo for the fundraiser that has been set up for the 12 fucking people that lived in that stupid shack of a house.
and 35 with grey hair? What the hell kind of drugs does that lady do? Stop having children you fucking cow!
http://www.kentucky.com/641/story/598202.html
November 20th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Thank you Kentucky for bringing us the little bundle of joy.
November 20th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Is she missing teeth too? yikes. I have added this to my favorites for a daily laugh. Thanx for the heads up.
http://www.kentucky.com/news/state/story/597604.html
November 20th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
For a real treat, read the comments on the original article. I think Mase’s is my favorite: “you shows just how bigoted the elite is in certain parts of this state.”
November 20th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
@ Ryno: The word that caught me was “kin.”
November 20th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I’m going to have a shot of Wild Turkey tonight in honor of this story.
If loving Dick is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I would be willing to bet there was some meth involved as well.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Holy shit there’s multimedia:
http://www.heraldleaderphoto.com/2008/11/18/trailer-trashed-during-move/
November 20th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
“[W]ithout the slightest hint of irony”? You sure about that? I live in Lexington and read this paper. The tone of the article is wildly different from a standard story. “Passel of pets,” “wiry chain-smoker,” “a grandma at 35 with gold streaks in red hair,” that’s not really viewpoint-neutral stuff. It’s pretty mean-spirited, really. They must not have the budget for editors over at the Herald-Leader. Next time, just the facts, ma’am.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
This had to be the best story I’ve ever read. Why can’t all news story’s contain Ufford’s commentary? That jacks up the reading interest by at least 10 fold.
$250-a-month land contract
Was that a parcel or passel of land?
November 20th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Frances = GILF.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
nice work Slothrop
November 20th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Somebody alert TONY ROMO!
November 20th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
See! This is why we can’t have anything nice!
November 20th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
@ Animal Mother – Brady Quinn agrees with you.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Wait, wait, wait. Just read comment #2 and nearly died laughing…
If this sheriff would have followed Bible law instead of his law, these folks would have a place to call home. As it is now, the state will pick up the tap because of one man getting tired of directing traffic.
Bible Law? Where are we, Kandahar?
November 20th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
“The family, a mishmash of real kin and unofficially adopted kids, teens and young adults, are crammed into a smaller trailer while Barton tries to sort through it all.”
That’s going to end up like a houseful of stray cats. I’m sure there’s lot’s of inbreeding and pissing on the floors
November 20th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
“I think the smartalec sheirff should have to pay for the trailer and the mess he made, he swowed no concern for the family, and knowing they had no money, he needs to take his drug attiyude, and drug money and pay the peiple, and should be fired.”
priceless
November 20th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I think that you’re going to want to change your mind on Ms. Meehan.
http://www.poynter.org/resource/131345/kentucky.jpg
November 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
@289: Did someone re-animate Ma Fratelli from the Goonies?
November 20th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
And to top it all off, her stock portfolio* is down over 60%!
*”stock portfolio” = “supply of moonshine”
November 20th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I swear this was an episode of Squidbillies, right down to the chain-smoking sheriff.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
289: Was that a photo of Louie Anderson?
November 20th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Sigh…. mismash and single wides. Thanks for the reminder of a disjointed childhood. “Pancake, watch out for the rust, goddammit!”
November 20th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
@Otto Man:
Peter Griffin: Are you Big Fat Paulie?
Mary Meehan: [kicks Peter in groin] I’m Louie Anderson… I mean, Mary Meehan!
November 20th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Schadenfraude.
The commentary is priceless. As we say, “you can’t stuff like this up, it just writes itself”.
Somehow, if not already, she and her ” kin ” will end up on the taxpayer dole.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
and now video
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/11/20/harvey.home.destroyed.wave
November 20th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I think Pancake should take this house-moving business and expand it… perhaps moving through states all across the nation. He could call his business International Houses by Pancake. **tap dances off-stage**
November 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Having spent a distressingly large chunk of my formative years in bumfuck indiana, these characters are all too real. I am in favor of a new law of mandatory euthanasia for those who are too stupid to live.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Pancake, didn’t you die of Rabies whilst saving Janie from drowning in the aftermath of Hurricane Okeechobee?
November 20th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
International Houses by Pancake
Fuck Grimey, that nearly made me pee my jort!!
It’s sad that Dick was described as “Wiry”, because I keep picturing that fat guy in the Washington Redskins jersey with the cellphone.
Single-wide tipping >>>>> cowtipping.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
“Jim Gaunce, an amiable great-grandfather, watched most of it unfold from his rocker in a sunny living room with windows so spotless birds frequently thud into the glass while trying to fly through. ”
I’m guessing that the amiable great-grandfather must be around 52.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Boy, those poor, uneducated people sure are fun to laugh at. Their children probably don’t get decent nutrition or medical care. Tee-hee. This is just so much fun!
November 20th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
And the Palin family saga continues.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
She still couda got another coupla months outta dat dere trailer before tornady season shook it right on up and did dat dere anyhow. Dam dat oll Boss Dick.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@ Grimey
Well it was in the middle of the highway, so Interstate House by Pancake could apply too.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Mmm, bourbon….mmmmm
So explain to me again how the meth lab didn’t blow up?
November 20th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
+100 to paulie3sticks. Outfuckingstanding.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
No way, Paulie — NO TRAINS!
November 20th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
dis hare lil stohree minds me of win I were growin up round dem er perts.
November 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
With all respect, this might actually be funnier: http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/nov/19/traffic-stop-leads-mountain-charges-man/
November 20th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’ve been trying to think of a title that neatly sums up the literary heritage of this sad tale of migration, coupled with the realities of modern trailer living:
The Grapettes of Wrath
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grapette
November 20th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
These high falutin’ elites think they’re better than us, what with their houses that ain’t stuck somewhere in the middle of a highway, and their, oh, you know, teeth.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
My sister is a week or two away from becoming a grandmother at age 40. See, because we’re decent Oklahoma folk, we wait until we get out of high school to start cranking out kids. Not like that white trash over in Kentucky.
My sister also lives in an actual house, no wheels.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
18+18=36. Not really that bad. How else will the strip clubs get their employees?
November 20th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
@Spatula: Maybe we should begin a search of all weird stories like this one and see how many of them come from the deep souf. They definitely have mouf fixin’ issues.
November 20th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
This article could only have been better if Pacman wrote it. Or rather the BDD Pacman:
Oh, and den u kno dat Sherf Dick be like “Back dat azz up hoe”. But den da bitch don’t, so Dick was like “Fine…Imma mash dat azz up den”. And he done did. And now Dick fixin to drank. Oh BULLEEF Dick gon drank.
November 20th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
This is the Real America, people.
November 20th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Thank you for carrying on the tradition of Fire Joe Morgan.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
some folk’ll never lose a toe
…but then again, some folk’ll…
Fucking priceless.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:30 am
YES!!!
November 21st, 2008 at 6:28 pm
I just saw their taking donations http://www.kentucky.com/641/story/598202.html. So far 211 people have donated and they’ve raised $1.46.
November 21st, 2008 at 8:06 pm
We’uns here in Nicholas County sur r glad we could give youns your laf for the da! I had ta stand in line for a lang time to get to use this puter. Weuns only hav 2 in the county.
BTW, I certainly hope you are children, for I hate to think there’s adults out there that have nothing better to do than make fun of others. Who made you so dam*ed smart? At least here we show compassion to our neighbors when they are in need; however, we are also smart enough to recognize a con artist when we see one. IMO that is exactly what Ms. Barton is. Dick Again in 2010!
November 23rd, 2008 at 8:03 am
I came to this site to see what i could do to help this woman and her family. Instead of finding where i could help i see a bunch of cold blooded people saying nasty things. I know we here in the hills of Pa would be out there helping and make sure the woman and family were settled safely where they needed to go. May god have mercy on the souls of those who would laugh at this tragedy
November 24th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Don’t lump me in with you, you’re trying to ruin our fun with your sense of responsibility for the stupidity of others.
November 29th, 2008 at 5:23 am
I build trailer furniture. I can make a couple of nice pieces for this lady, but I need money for materials. If you would like to help, this is my email…alfredschrader@aol.com
November 30th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
If it were me, I would make the nice furniture for a family who really needs it. I sincerely hope no one takes you up on the offer to send money for materials for the lady who has conned half the country. I am not hard hearted, I just don’t believe it’s right to lie to the news media for gain, and that’s exactly what Frances Barton did. Does no one even wonder why the same day that her new trailer was delivered that seven of the 12 people living there found new housing elsewhere? Now it’s just five and of course the five horses. Think about it, if she was as poor as she led you to believe, how could she feed and care for five horses? Before you send your hard earned money to her, you should find out how many were actually living with her a couple of days prior to the “move”. I KNOW that she lied about the sheriff not giving her time to get her belongings out. Fact is, you outsiders fell prey to one of the oldest tricks of the trade, and you have the nerve to call us studied!!
November 30th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Sorry, that last word should have been “stupid”, not “studied”.