The ass of Vida via WWTDD.

Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.

KSK,

Here is my problem. I’m married and enjoy masturbating but I try to keep in out of sight from the wife. What I do is take porn with my when I go drop a deuce. It is usually on my laptop. I don’t think she has any idea that I fire one off in there. She just thinks I am doing work or reading websites. My worry is that, since I am sitting on the john I usually end up taking a dump at the same time. I’m afraid that sooner or later I’ll only be able to shoot my load while shitting. What do you guys think?

Also, what do you think Deuce Mcallister’s value is at this point? Can I get a #2 WR for him?

Before long you won’t be able to get an erection without the smell of your own excrement. So unless you are able to convince the woman to straddle you on the shitter I suggest you pursue a new venue for your masturbatory practices. Public swimming pools are good for this. Drop the deuce and move on with your life.

A few fantasy toss ups:

Kurt Warner vs. San Francisco -or- Aaron Rodgers vs. Minnesota?
Laverneus Coles vs. St. Louis -or- Marques Colston vs. Atlanta?
Pittsburgh’s D vs. Indy -or- Minnesota’s vs. Green Bay?

“Sex” Question:

Can you be too good at jerking off?

-Jay

Of course. Just ask Ray McKigney about that. Warner, Colston, and Pitt.

Hey,

So I got a blowjob from a stripper the other night but because I had been drinking vodka since noon I couldn’t finish before our time ran out. Should I have still had to pay?

also

With Willie Parker back strong is Mewelde Moore startable? If not, Ryan Grant or Duece? Kevin Faulk? They’re all playing pretty stout D’s.

Thanks,
-Z

If she was a stripper then you don’t have to pay for shit. Although if she expected money then that makes her a hooker, and yes, you better pay up. Play Ryan Grant and pray that one Williams eats the other for Minnesota.

Does it get anymore cliche than this? Before the wife and I got married and had a kid she loved to take it in the pooper. We got married last year and had a baby, its been over a year the closest I’ve gotten to anal is when she farts in her sleep. I’ve tried everything, she simply doesn’t want to have anal anymore. I don’t really have a question here, just wanted give one more reason to not marry that hot POA who loves to be choked nearly unconscious while getting blasted up the shitpipe. Thats going to end the minute the ring is on the finger.

Oh yeah, should I start Farve this week or pick up Matt Ryan off the WW, or just kill myself?

-Brian

Did the baby come out of her asshole? Play Ryan and slip it to her while she’s sleeping like Zach Randolph.

There’s this pretty hot girl I know who I’m pretty sure likes me, I mean, in her pants. But she’s one of those bitchy hipster quirkinistas, I mean, she owns more than five scarves. She’s one of those romantical types, so to get into those aforementioned pants I’d probably have to put in some serious relationship time, but I find her insufferable, and I’d probably end up feeling like Michael Cera. So I’m wondering if putting up with douchiness if it gets me some ‘gina?

Also, who is a better start this week Chris Johnson at Chicago or Marshawn Lynch at New England?

-Michael

Ufford: If you have a fantasy team that’s so loaded you don’t have room to start both Marshawn and Chris Johnson, I hope you date an annoying hipster and never get laid.

Hi,

Recently I got caught cheating on my gf and had to move out etc. It was pretty much over between us anyway but I still acted like an asshole and I feel bad about that. Karma is a mofo though and now everything is pretty damn shit. Over five years she managed to drive away each and everyone of my friends and now I find myself so desperately fucking lonely. Should I go through the herculean effort to get her back or should should I ride it through and join an art class (or something gay like that)?

Also, Chad Pennington or Eli Manning this week?

Thanks alot,
Jason.

You’re actually thinking about going back to a girl that you cheated on because you didn’t even really like anymore? You must be one sad lonely little fuck. Start Elisha then go buy yourself a whore. After that if you still miss the ex then you know it’s true love and you can go back to her and give her the clap.

I’ve got two WR, a WR/RB flex and two RB spots. My RBs are Brandon Jacobs, Jerrious Norwood, DeAngelo Williams, and the potentially TD hawking Edge James (Whisenhunt can suck my balls, just take his carries away so I can drop him). At WR I have Matt Jones (hooray Cocaine!) Roddy White, Bernard Berrian, Eddie Royal, and Greg Camarillo (I’m not entirely sure that Camarillo isn’t one of the computer-generated players that show up in the franchise mode in Madden). Who do I start? Do I put a WR in the flex, or one of my shaky, but potentially awesome RBs?

Help me, KSK, you’re my only hope!

Also, I woke up Wednesday morning to find about 30-40 playboys on my front porch. They aren’t my roommate’s or mine, and I can’t imagine why someone would randomly stack that much soft porn on a stranger’s front porch. My question is this — do I bring them inside and put them in the bathroom where they belong (this is easily 2-3 years worth of issues, so they will provide a ton of material to read while deux deux deux-ing), or do I throw them out. I mean used porn, even of the soft variety is pretty gross, especially because I don’t know who used it previously.

-David

Good god, that’s a lot of words to sift through. Okay, play a running back at the flex and donate the mystery “porn” to some prepubescent boys in need of a thrill. Just think how happy that would have made you when you were that age. Oh, and try to not get caught, because that kind of shit will get you put on one of those lists you can’t get off of.

Dear KSK,

Joseph Addai was my #1 pick this year but other than getting injured he hasn’t done shit. Should I give up on him and go with DeAngelo Williams, who’s averaging four more points per week, or wait for him to become a star again, like I did last year with Laurence Maroney?

Also, is it okay to make out with your girl after she swallows your load?

-Stu

Addai is surely worth waiting for. And sure you can make out with your girl after she swallows. Assuming you just LOVE the taste of your own sperm. Seriously, you at least have to give her a few hits of Listerine first.

My girlfriend and I have always had very traditional approach on sex, as we rarely did the deed outside of the bedroom or the shower. However, we just bought a house together, and we have become a little more adventurous during our brief time there. I would love to incorporate a little “butt play” (hers, not mine), but I am struggling with the possibility of pushing her too fast and turning her off. After several failed attempts to sneak it in there during sex, and getting the response, “That’s the butt…” How can I “bring her around,” so to speak? Also, I have not used a condom in over 3 years, but should I start to use them if I do make it into her un-holiest of holes?

Please help me get to her promised land.

Also, who should I start at my flex position in my ppr league? Kevin Smith for the Lions, Donnie Avery for the Rams, or Downtown Reggie Brown for the Eagles?

- Boom goes the Dynamite

If you want to get in that ass you have to take it slow, lest you risk that door locking shut for the rest of time. First you need to buy her some expensive jewelry, then you have to tell her what you’re looking for. Be blunt, but not obscene. Then pull out an economy tub of industrial strength lubricant (these guys can hook you up). Oh, and start Donnie Avery. The Rams are going to be throwing all day because they sure as fuck can’t run on Kris Jenkins and co.

What’s your expert opinion on letting your girlfriend shove anal beads up your ass? Just curious.

Flacco or Pennington this week?

Thanks,

Tony R.

I think I’d rather have Flacco and Pennington as my two fantasy quarterbacks.

Dear KSK,

I have a question concerning Guy Ethics.

Is it okay to fuck a chick on your friend’s bed if it means it busted a dry spell that had been going on for over 5 months? And does he have a right to say you’re “dead to him” after the event happened?

As for Fantasy football,

Is Roy Williams worth bothering to start anymore?

You really shouldn’t fuck with a guy’s bed like that, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Hopefully you kept everything on top of the comforter so you can just buy him a new one. Regardless, you shouldn’t be dead to him unless you made an unholy mess. Roy Williams, on the other hand, should be dead to you.

Dear KSK,

I’m a 22 year old male who is in the prime of his life physically speaking. I’m usually a fucking machine who doesn’t have problems when it comes to getting it up.

This past Halloween I brought a girl back home to my shit-tastic apartment and was about to get my dick wet. After fingerblasting her through two orgasms I suggested she suck my dick, to which she complied.

However, after about a minute I remained flaccid and to avoid potential humiliation I went down on her and made her come another 3 times. She passes out after this and I remain awake scared shitless that I might be impotent.

So my question is this:
Is 17 drinks enough to cause whiskey dick or should I be seriously concerned?

As for FF,
I’m 3-6 in both of my fantasy leagues right now, should I even bother trying anymore?

Thanks,
Jeremy

Yeah, I’m sure she totally came five times. You probably have dick cancer. Go get fucked.

Dear KSK,

A female friend and I were have a discussion about being cheated on. I
argued that the attractiveness of the person your significant other
cheated on you with is a factor as to how pissed off you are when you
find out. She disagreed. Even after I tried to explain that if her
boyfriend cheated on her with Heidi Klum, she should still be mad, but
at least appreciate that even she would fuck Heidi Klum if she got a
chance. As opposed to if her boyfriend cheated on her with Rosie
O’Donnell, she might be within her legal right to kill her boyfriend.
So I ask, should attractiveness matter in infidelity?

Oh, and should I start Aaron Rodgers or Marmalard this weekend?

-El Duke

It’s more about their level of fame rather than their hotness. If you fuck Jessica Alba your girlfriend pretty much has to understand. If you fuck a girl who looks just like Jessica Alba she has every right to kick you in the nuts. In the meantime, play Marmalard.

Dear Sirs,

Does this thing look infected?

Also, concerning the Cowboys offense: Same question.

Sincerely,
W. Phillips, Dallas

No, no, that’s too obvious. Make it “Wade P.”

Hey, put down my lunch!