Just When You Think Joey Porter Has Paid You Back, It’s Time to Pay You Back Again
I tell you Patriots, we got UNFINISHED BUSINESS. When you cross Joey Porter, there forms a grudge that festers until I deliver retribution tenfold upon you. YOU’VE ONLY GOTTEN ONEFOLD OF THE RETRIBUTION SO FAR! YOU AIN’T DONE YET!
Joey Porter has always been called a hothead and I do tend to talk. But I have been mellowed by the wisdom of age. Being a father has given me a lot of perspective. I try to teach my son the lessons of his father, that in this life there’s nothing more important THAN RESPECT! AND HALF-SHIRTS! YOU GOTTA HAVE THOSE! THEY SHOW OFF YOUR POPCORN MUSCLES LIKE NOTHING ELSE!
My son knows when he gets out of line I FIX HIS MOUF WIF SOAP! But he also knows I got his back when people don’t show him RESPECT!
Just the other week, I was watching at his pee-wee game and the other coach kept starters in when their team was up 27-0. Then they scored again. He ran up the score on my kid. He pulled a motherfucking Belchick on my son. Joey Porter AIN’T HAVING THAT SHIT.
I walked up to him, kindly explained my objection, noted the age of the participants, made a level-headed plea for sanity. THEN I REELED BACK AND SOCKED HIS ASS IN THE MOUF. THEN I SLASHED HIS FUCKING TIRES! I EVEN LET MY KID SLASH ONE! THAT’S IMPORTANT LIFE EXPERIENCE!
So it’s crucial that I continue my advice giving to the Patriots this Sunday. My son got to know that no perceived slight can go without being repeatedly and excessively punished. All’s a man’s got in his RESPECT and his MOUF!
Tags: joey porter, xmas ape
November 18th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Wait, wait, wait. So did the coach fix his mouf or what?
November 18th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
THEN I SLASHED HIS FUCKING TIRES! I EVEN LET MY KID SLASH ONE! THAT’S IMPORTANT LIFE EXPERIENCE!
bravo sir! bravo!
November 18th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Is it just me or has Joey Porter become more eloquent?
November 18th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Insofar as the pee-wee coach, yes that is a “life lesson”, not sure if that’s one that needs to be taught.
And yes, Joey HAS become more eloquent. But he remains ever locquacious.
November 18th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Please, please, please let the Dolphins get a wild-card and have to play to either “last time I was in …” Denver or Pittsburgh, please.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
FIX YO’ COACHING ETHICS!
November 18th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I believe you mean loquacious, Ty.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Joey Porter’s kid is named Loquacious
November 18th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
The lesson here is, as always, something we should have learned from Biggie Smalls long ago:
You talk slick you get your tires slit quick
Cause Joey Porter AIN’T HAVIN THAT SHIT
November 18th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
But I have been mellowed by the wisdom of age.
But the Patriots are why my brain says raaaagggeeee!!
November 18th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
or the Patriots or just about anyone else, because Peezy will probably end up having a problem with every other team.
November 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Joey Porter is still just a rat in a cage.
*a rat with rabies
November 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Actually, I believe Joey is eloquacious.
FIX YO DICTIONARY!
November 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Joey Porter is still just a rat in a cage.
Despite all his rage? Really?
November 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
A classic and truthful look into the mind of today’s athlete.
/blames MTV
//always blames MTV
November 18th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Ape – I know you don’t give a shit. But seriously, your Joey Porter bits are my favorite. Yes, even better than Hines/Ben.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Thanks Ryno.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Has it always been this bad, or does KSK’s host need to FIX YO’ SPAM FILTAH?
November 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Did I get a whiff of a missed Smashing Pumpkins reference?
When did ads in the comments section start?
November 18th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
When they sold out to uproxx!
November 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
And why are you bitching? It is still a free site. Are your eyeballs incapable of avoiding ads? Ads that finance your lack of productivity?
God just die
November 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
The ads in the comments are spammers. That has nothing to do with us.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Personally I like clicking at the bottom at seeing Adriana Lima and Gabrielle Union in various states of undress.
What?
And if the authors of this website make a little $$ on the side?
More power to em. Good on ya lads.
Insofar as funny, well…the Ocho Cinco v Marvin Lewis ones get me in trouble at work everytime. Tommy from Quinzee is equally humorous if only because I have a soldier here at work who is Tommy’s distant cousin.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Ape,
I believe Joey’s son is named D’Loquacious.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Joey’s loquaciousness is catching.
November 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
homerism rising… rising…
November 18th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I 2nd the Joe Porter as favorite Ape column. Leading Hines Wald gives me a headache and makes my eyes hult.
November 18th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I just checked the latest stats: a league-leading 13.5 sacks for Mr. Porter so far. Fuck. There are few occupations in which frightening mental imbalance and baffling misanthropy actually improve your performance. They haven’t helped me in the office- that’s for sure.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
“All a man’s got in this life is his RESPECT and his MOUF.”
Joey Porter, linebacker philosopher and mouf fixer.
November 18th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
in this life there’s nothing more important THAN RESPECT! AND HALF-SHIRTS!
That’s my favorite De Niro quote.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I dunno TylerDurden, you’ve really become my least favorite person. You have used the word “insofar” twice in a span of say 20 comments. thats twice too many. you are also gay, and that doesnt help your cause. you are also a poflawar starter. i dont like you.
November 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Joey Porter’s Mouf Repair Shop — OUR PRICES CANT BE BEAT
November 18th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
http://www.doubleyourdating.com/?s=23700
thanks to this ad, i no longer need the help of the ksk sex advice…fantasy is a whole other story…
November 18th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
@senor mullet: You just discovered that? I’ve been spammed by David DeAngelo for years!
November 19th, 2008 at 1:55 am
there’s nothing more important THAN RESPECT! AND HALF-SHIRTS! YOU GOTTA HAVE THOSE! THEY SHOW OFF YOUR POPCORN MUSCLES LIKE NOTHING ELSE!
-I like that he now refers to his own muscles as POPCORN.
http://www.FixingJoeyPorter.com
November 19th, 2008 at 2:18 am
Do not do unto others, so that other wont do unto you. RESPECT is the key.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Somehow “interracialloving” got Hines Walded into “Intelaciarroving”….
November 19th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I REELED BACK AND SOCKED HIS ASS IN THE MOUF
I’m trying to imagine how that works…
Anyone?