Once again, it’s Green Week at NBC. Yes, from the people who brought you Earth Day, and Earth Hour, and Compost Week, and Drink-Your-Own-Urine Fortnight, comes a week where NBC personalities lecture you about just how wasteful and shitty a human being you are. I’m excited for random PSA’s from Hayden Panettiere where she tells me to not purchase bottled water while I mute the TV to gaze longingly at her supple hips.
Well, we at KSK are no strangers to environmental awareness. Why, just last week, I decided to start eating Velveeta again, in a brave attempt to help rid the world of all harmful BPA plastic byproducts. I also started throwing my empty beer cans directly in the forest behind my house. Some lucky centipedes now have a community of cylindrical townhomes to live in. Ecosystem: impoved.
The gents at Football Night in America also got in on the action. Tiki Barber said he was helping save the environment by using mass transit (though rumor has it he gets frustrated with the conductor and quits the train right before it reaches its destination). Cris Collinsworth said he walks to work, though I don’t know why he wouldn’t just spread his giant buzzard wings and fly in. And Keith Olbermann said his girlfriend (or hooker he ordered for the evening) makes him recycle shit. Well, thank God. These men are fucking VISIONARIES. How would our precious atmosphere survive without them doing the everyday, eco-friendly shit they probably would have done anyway?
So, in the spirit of Green Week, we again present to you all the myriad ways in which prominent NFL figures are helping to save the planet.
Joey Porter: Feeds garbage to his dogs
Travis Henry: Recycles all condoms
Tatum Bell: Buys none of his own clothes
Ben Roethlisberger: Doesn’t buy books
Joe Flacco: Stares down global warming when he drops back
Chris Hovan: Overpursues environmental agenda
William Clay Ford: Burns tires
Terrell Owens: Only bathes in organic popcorn
Jerry Jones: Now only holds extramarital affairs via company hang glider
Kurt Warner: Thanks Gaia, Spirit of the Earth, after key first down
Donovan McNabb: Did not know there was global warming. WHEN DID THIS SHIT HAPPEN?!
Keith Olbermann: Plans very important, overly melodramatic “special comment”, berating all of you for failing to save the planet, then will take private plane to exclusive dolphin-grilling brothel/restaurant
Al Davis: Denies existence of climate crisis, then denies existence of planet itself
Warren Moon: Beats wife only using biodegradable soap in hemp sock
Eagles and Bengals: Play so poorly that you’re convinced you won’t miss the world once it’s gone
Brady Quinn: Plans to harness vast energy expended to vigorously hide homosexuality
Tiki Barber: Uses teeth to provide much needed light source
Willis McGahee: Convinces industrial sector to follow his example and underproduce waste
Emmitt Smith: Will pull up all the stocks to beat climax change
Daunte Culpepper: Plans to stop consuming 55% of world’s food supply
Hines Ward: WHIRR WOLK HODDER IN LICE PADDIES! YOU RAZY MERICANS NO WOLK HOD!
Brett Favre: Will cause massive oil slick, then be praised by Peter King for cleaning up half of it
Mike Singletary: Will angrily give Congress “the red eye”
Reggie Bush: Will use girlfriend’s ass for energy-saving insulation
Your suggestions in the comments. Join us, won’t you? Together, we can make empty gestures to save the Earth and then spend a disproportionate amount of time congratulating ourselves for it.
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Michael Strahan will dispose of 200 barrels of toxic waste by securing them in the gap in his teeth.
Shockey will walk around New Orleans looking for people to rape, rather than drive his rapemobile.
Peter King will hook up a generator to his mouth when he vigorously slobbers on Brett Favre’s cock. The energy produced is estimated to be 1.21 Gigawatts.
Former Miami broadcaster: Talks smack about humanity shouldn’t come into “Earth’s house” with “that shit”.
Pacman Jones: Uses dolphin safe net when using dong bait to fish of dat pussydock.
Joey porter will create a new hybrid car running solely on the shit he talks.
Ricky Williams: Won’t fly to India to get stoned.
Braylon Edwards: plants a tree for every ball/potential TD he has dropped since getting drafted.
DeSean Jackson – prematurely turns off the lights before a romantic night of getting ass pounded by Donny Mac.
Andy Reid rolls the clocks back one our after the two minute warning.
Jim Fassel: writes handwritten letter to President-elect Obama requesting to be chosen as Secretary of Interior.
Charles Haley will promise to stop masturbating because it’s probably not a wild assumption that it will help Earth in some way.
Oh and not killing gays, they’re eco-friendly, I assume.
Mike Holmgren – Will conserve precious fuel by making sure the Seahawks don’t have to travel after Week 16 by calling runs on 3rd and long.
TK, your boy, will just shut the fuck up on MNF and let Jaws say what he was going to anyways without the dumbass lead in to save on unnecessary emissions.
Tony Romo: Will refrain from covering his hands with crude oil before holding a PAT attempt.
Tony Dungy: Reduces greenhouse gases by burning fewer unChristian books.
NFC West: Prevent western forest fires by not scorching anyone on offense.
Andy Reid: Takes full responsibility for global warming. Vows to put ozone in better position to make plays.
Vince Young will quit trying to solve climate change. He thought he heard someone boo him.
the Sex Cannon: Will empragnate enough women until one of their children finds the cure to global warming. Then: sling com at aforementioned child.
erin andrews will plant a tree for every woody she feels against her hip during post-game interviews
Hank Williams, Jr. – will use his gift of song to prove that environmental problems are the creation of the liberal media, thereby eliminating environmental problems altogether
Matt Leinart – Will not throw clean game jersey in the wash unless he sweats in it
NFL: will save the environment by continuing to not be auto racing
Maddon: Will help reduce emissions and personally restore the Condor population by fucking dropping dead and/or stopping eating his Condor egg ommlettes.
Joe Buck: will help reduce overpopulation by having a vasectomy …oh wait….
Ray Caruth: Will help reduce overpopulation by only killing pregnant girlfirends….oh wait…
Leonard Litte: Will help reduce overpopulation by driving drunk everywhere…
/just made myself sad.
Ed Hoculi will donate $1 to Greenpeace for every call he blows …
Lawrence Maroney will learn to raindance as opposed to simply dancing behind his offensive line …
Al Saunders will reduce his 700 page playbook to 1 page with the following 4 plays: incomplete, incomplete, incomplete, punt … Thus saving paper
KSK Staff: syphilis medication with the Fair-Trade label.
The people of Green Bay, Wisconsin: will use defibrillators with the Energy Star sticker.
So I’m the only one that saw “Gaia, Spirit of the Earth” and instantly started singing the Captain Planet theme song?
Oh.
teh bus is frum detroit?
Jerome Bettis will promote the building of a giant smelter too melt down and recycle his home town of Detroit.
Brian Russell will watch global warming for twenty seconds until he’s absolutely sure that the Giants aren’t going for a run play, by which time it will have reached the endzone, done an obscene touchdown celebration and had the fine first imposed then rescinded.
Hot air on all pregame shows will be harnessed. Green house gases decrease, followed by usage for entire metropolitan NY power source. Win Win!
Woah, no one with a Marmalard contribution yet?
Phillip Rivers will throw all of the nuclear waste from Yucca Mountain into the air, where it will float long enough for us to think of a better place to put it.
Wade Phillips will only inject cage-free egg yolks into his bloodstream.
As per federal reglation, Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger and Torry Holt will purchase “Fantasy Team Killer” credits on the open market.
Pittsbulgh Steerels: stop commit so many penarties so as not cause officiars to thlow frags causing them get dilty and be dwy creaned. Envilonment save. Hoolay!!!
The Whole Foods Markets in the greater Western PA area will sell shopping bags that say, “I used to be 5 Terrible Towels!”
Toyota: By Zero?
To save fuel, Rae Carruth will only use one car to carry out his drive-by shootings.
Purple Jesus – Turns water pills into wine. Saves Williams twins from spending 4 weeks at home and using untold amounts of electricity between microwaving meals and switching off between DVD and internet for masturbating purposes. Good for the Vikings season and the environment. Hooray.
Randy Moss, in an effort to reduce paper waste, will no longer pay his fines in straight cash, homey.
Chad Pennington will cut his arm strength output by 30 percent. Of course, he will have to sacrifice what little horsepower he has left on his 3 yard passes on 3rd and 4, but I suppose that’s the tradeoff.
Kyle Orton allows birds to nest in his neckbeard.
Tiny Darren: encourage others to become compact. also, canvas grocery bags.
Damnit, I was just gonna make that Leonard Little comment, too.
Bill Bellicheck: Steals Ralph Nader’s plans for how to save the environment, demands that all players on the team follow them exactly, and refuses to let anyone know any details about the plan. Also buys pre-sliced hoodies instead of wasting the fabric on cutting off the sleeves.
Leonard Little: Doind his alcohol-fueled neighborhood carousing in a Prius instead of a Escalade, with 95% tints on all windows, including the windshield, for natural heat attraction.
KSK – contributes to awareness with night-vision page design, prominently placed green book cover
Nate Newton – will plant 1000…plants.
Marshawn Lynch: All hit-and-runs will be conducted in a Prius.
Mike Francesca: New diet will save at least 4 horses from being euthanized this year for their juicy meat.
Peter King swallows instead of saving the sperm to inseminate Mary Beth.
Well, I’d rather have environmental friendly beating-soap than non environmental friendly beating-soap.
You calloused man, you.
Following up on Skim172…
Peter King pledges to “rough it” for a year by not purchasing the 75 steel drums of lube necessary to jack it to Favre, Romo and the Ghost of Tom Brady.
Jeremy Shockey will keep tattoo parlors in business for a year by having his ENTIRE body tattoo’d with Nickelback lyrics.
Sage Rosenfels: Uses the revolutionary human helicopter to get around.
Troy Aikmen: Reduces his carbon footprint by being a lot less flaming.
Lions: Losing every game means you do not waster water by pour it on the coach.
Texans: Promoting organic gardening by shitting the bed during the 4th quarter.
shaun rogers has vowed to donate half his buffet cart every monday to starving kids in china so he can get back down to his playing weight of 638 pounds
Jerramy Stevens: Will donate $1,000 to the Arbor Day Foundation for every woman he rapes
Who knew that Chad Johnson was a visionary? If we had just started cloud colonization earlier, we would be waaay ahead of those other planets.
Toyota, Subway, Bud Light, Coors Light: running commercials that lead to murder/suicide-related population control.
St Louis Rams: Cancel season to save stadium energy – no one notices.
New York Post: Use 20% less shocking headlines when slobbering over Brett Favre
Brian Russell: Can’t do shit, goddammit
Michael Irvin: Will stab you in the throat with a pair of scissors if you litter
The Rooneys are trying to counteract their carbon footprint by laying 5 or 6 100-yard sections of turf every year.
OJ Simpson: Killed his wife
oh shit is that not the game were playing?
“Big”. Guh.
Bid Daddy Drew: Reducing his dependence on foreign gravy
Jeremy Shockey: saved paper by pulling down pictures of naked chicks on his wall. Now uses 500W halogen wall to project the pictures of chicks he totally nailed
Yeah, thats what i meant.
/scowls at better pacman comment.
David Carr will wear mittens to help pick up trash on sideline
Where’s Waldo: You got me!
I pledge to kick Sting square in the nuts if I ever have the chance.
I don’t know how that will help the environment, but it must be done!
Condoms?
G$: i thought Pacman was saving the earth by making it rain?
@ G$:
pacman is also known to make it rain in places that experience long droughts, such as las vegas
The Steelers offensive line will get Big Ben killed, meaning one less crotch rocket polluting the earth.
Jeff Garcia: will save water by tongue-bathing his linemen.
The Tennessee Titans, Minnesota Vikings, Arizona Cardinals, New York Jets, Miami Dolphins, Detroit Lions, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are all recycling old quarterbacks.
Pacman Jones: Buys a hybrid car, makes a compost heap in his back yard and installs solar panels on his house.
/What… He has changed
Gay Zorro: uses only “Dolphin Safe” lubricant.
Tom Coughlin: Makes Justin Tuck power NYC via Treadmill for a day