It Wouldn’t Be A Monday Without A Good Peter King Favrehumping
Last week, in a tribute to the now deceased blog Fire Joe Morgan, we sifted through an entire Peter King MMQB column precisely so you didn’t have to. It wasn’t easy. See how your brain reacts when you subject it to paragraph after paragraph about how wonderfully odor-free the Bucs’ locker room is. Well, it’s Monday again. Which means another chance for our latte-swilling tardporter to regale you with his patented brand of Regis Philbin-like football acumen…
I told Favre it’s pretty amazing that four months ago he seemed determined to play for Green Bay or Minnesota or no team, and look what’s happened. “You’re right,” he said. “Who’da thunk it? Me, a New York Jet.”
“Well, golly gee Pete! I done never expected to leave the ol’ farm for NEW YORK CITY! Who knew that spending month after month leaking complaints to the media in a cynical attempt to undermine the entire Packer organization would lead to them trading me to a team I originally was hesitant to join?”
Five things you didn’t know about Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, who was honored Thursday night before the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game for his 50 consecutive years of NFL service — as a player, assistant coach and head coach. And I won’t even include the one about reciting (from memory) “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” to his players every year, a few days before Christmas:
From memory? Well, he’s gotta be some kind of bookgician, he does!
What does it say about the maturity level of NFL players that one of their defensive coordinators holds fucking storytime for them every Christmas?
4. He calls his 95-year-old mother, Beulah LeBeau, in London, Ohio, every day.
He regularly communicates with his mother? GET THE FUCK OUT! Now that is some news of the WEIRD!
It’s quieter in hotels and on airplanes these days, with the economy the way it is. I am on a three-flight streak on Continental of being upgraded to first class with my frequent-flyer status, and two of those flights had empty seats in first …. which means there weren’t enough Elite flyers aboard to fill the seats.
Not enough elite flyers? NO! GAH! What miserable fate has befallen us, my dear countrymen! Real estate prices have tanked, stocks are worthless, and PETER KING DOES NOT HAVE SUFFICIENT COMPANY IN HIS EXCLUSIVE AIR CAPSULE! Do you realize he had to spend two whole hours on that flight NOT telling people about the muffaletta sandwich he had that afternoon? Or about his trip to the dermatologist?
Marriotts simply have to change their shampoo.
This is not elite flyer shampoo!
Can’t you put no-smell or low-smell shampoo in the rooms, Mr. Marriott?
My natural odor is strong enough as is!
Driving’s great, especially with Sirius Radio and a good headset for the cell phone. I kept a tally — 33 work calls on the round-trip.
So a tip to you drivers in Jersey and PA: Stay at least two lanes over from the asshole in the Volvo station wagon wearing a Bluetooth headset, drinking a vanilla latte, and trying to eat seven cinnamon scones simultaneously.
Gas at the Sideling Hill rest area on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, late July, on my training-camp trip: $4.29 per gallon. Gas at the same station Friday morning: $2.19 per gallon.
That’s fucking wild. It’s almost as if prices fluctuate in response to market demand!
It must be impossible to recruit for Notre Dame anymore. If Charlie Weis, with his Super Bowl rings, can’t walk into the homes of the best offensive players in the country and persuade them to hone their skills in maybe the best NFL-prep program for skill players, who can?
Here are the national recruiting rankings for Notre Dame over the past four years, according to Rivals.com. Keep in mind: these rankings are public information. All you need to do to find them is conduct a simple Google search.
2009: #10
2008: #2
2007: #8
2006: #8
Of course, it can be difficult to find these rankings if you are making 33 fucking calls in your car telling friends and family about how substandard the free shampoo at Marriott can be.
It would appear that Charlie Weis can recruit a player or two. It’s just that he’s, you know, the fattest, dumbest, shittiest coach in the history of everything ever. So perhaps we shouldn’t call his system the “best NFL-prep program for skill players” when Jimmy Clausen couldn’t hit the broad side of your ample backside with a pass.
Look for this to be the last year the Pro Bowl is played the week after the Super Bowl. As I reported on NBC last night, the league likely will announce in the next few weeks the moving of the game to the weekend before the Super Bowl.
That’s the kind of hard-hitting, relevant news I expect from a show that features Tiki Barber.
I’m sure when (Jared Allen) got the notice of the fine, he immediately went to his coaches and said, “Guys, this fine money is out of control. I’ve got to tone down my hits on the quarterback. Don’t expect me to be so aggressive from now on.” Not.
AS IF!
a. If I read one more story about where LeBron James might play two years from now, I’m going to puke.
b. Really: In what other sport are the next two seasons rendered totally meaningless for a cornerstone-of-the-league franchise like the New York Knickerbockers?
c. It’s everywhere — on talk radio, on “SportsCenter,” in columns, endlessly in every New York paper and Web site.
a. This is not how you use bullet points. If your thought is that LeBron James’ impending free agency is an overhyped story, that can all be accommodated by a single bullet. You don’t need to put each sentence of your thought onto new, successive bullet points. That would be wasteful. Your second bullet, ideally, would make an entirely new point.
b. You are a huge douche.
Tags: avoid PK on the turnpike, Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, shampoo
November 24th, 2008 at 11:04 am
“Marriotts simply have to change their shampoo.”
here’s an idea fatty, bring your own fucking shampoo when you travel
November 24th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Ack! The apple scent! Get it out, get it out, get it out!
November 24th, 2008 at 11:12 am
a. Like I always said, those Titans sure are overrated.
b. Especially when my Bretty is throwing such pretty spirals to those men in hot pants.
c. Can’t wait to call Bretty again this evening to see if he’s sre from yesterday’s game
/ok I think I’m going to puke now.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I thought this was the kicker:
“when I get out of the shower, the perfume smell is revolting. Shampooing with soap is the only option — a grotesque one, but a necessary evil now — to avoid smelling like a woman.”
The ladies King must feel special, like flowers that bloom briefly after a desert rain.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Can you imagine what SI was like when both King and Rick Reilly were there? Think of the staff meetings. Oh the humanity.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:14 am
The gas price sign at the Sideling Hill rest area on the PA turnpike reads $2.19? I’ve got to see this for myself!
/drives 7 hours roundtrip to see sign/
November 24th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I still can’t believe he gets paid to write this shit. I have a 2-year-old niece who could do better. True, it wouldn’t be about football, it would be about cookies or doggies, but it would make as much sense. And would contain 100% less douchebaggery. Telling us how many phone calls he got – man, that’s gotta be what every J-School grad dreams of doing one day. Does he have incriminating photos of the SI publisher with a donkey or something? That’s gotta be the only reason he still has a job writing about sports.
RE “This is not how you use bullet points. If your thought is that LeBron James’ impending free agency is an overhyped story, that can all be accommodated by a single bullet. You don’t need to put each sentence of your thought onto new, successive bullet points. That would be wasteful. Your second bullet, ideally, would make an entirely new point.”
Tell this to some of the people I work with. They do this, I assume, because:
- Every
- Word
- Is
- That
- Fucking
- Important
- Etc.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:19 am
King also refuses to wipe his ass until the Marriott gets better toilet paper, so it’s pretty much business as usual in that regard.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I guess the shampoo aroma must not compliment the stench from his unwashed fat rolls.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:19 am
It’s almost like the invisible hand fisting my asshole has turned its attention to the marketplace.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:19 am
@Slothrop: After reading that, I had brief image of Peter King lying nude on a bed of rose petals, a la American Beauty
November 24th, 2008 at 11:20 am
PK’s problem on first class? He’s flying Continental! How about joining the rest of the American public in flying Southwest. Those planes are always packed!
/had a 2 hr flight next to some popped collar douche. I wanted to throw his ass off the plane like it was Con Air!
November 24th, 2008 at 11:28 am
4. He calls his 95-year-old mother, Beulah LeBeau, in London, Ohio, every day.
There has got to be better options for phone sex out there for him, wouldn’t you think?
November 24th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Peter, tell me how Brett’s ass tastes.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:31 am
a. If I read one more story about where LeBron James might play two years from now, I’m going to puke.
You mean like when we got HOURLY updates about the Favre will-he-won’t he bullshit last year?
b. Really: In what other sport are the next two seasons rendered totally meaningless for a cornerstone-of-the-league franchise like the New York Knickerbockers?
Or, like, I dunno, a historical cornerstone-of-the-league franchise like the Green Bay Packers? Get fucked PK.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Fuck that. Here’s King’s stupidest line of the week: “I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for Tony Romo, having to pacify Terrell Owens for about two hours out of every workday.”
Yeah, it must suck fucking ass to have to throw to the league’s most gifted receiver as he takes your pussy pinkie passes to the house for over 200 fucking yards. King’s anti-Owens bias is, amazingly, >> his pro-Favre bias.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
Peter King was dangling
From Favre’s cock as usual.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:51 am
/anxiously awaits Tommy From Quinzee’s response to the Titans loss with baited breath
November 24th, 2008 at 11:52 am
@ RBP – As much as it pains me to defend PK in some form, those of us who live in NJ don’t have a nearby airport where Southwest flies. Closest for me is Baltimore.
Although, I’m happy the Continental flights are half empty. I hate having to sit next to some douche who takes up 1 1/2 seats telling me about Starbucks newest overpriced swill, his man-lust for a Jets QB, how out of touch with the real world he is and how the shampoo in Marriotts are too “perfumey” and makes him smell like perfume and ass, instead of just ass.
November 24th, 2008 at 11:55 am
“maybe the best NFL-prep program for skill players” …the fuck??? has he even fucking watched a Notre Dame game since Weiss has been in charge? has he never heard of a little known division called the SEC? does he in fact know anything AT ALL about football??
November 24th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
“I won’t give you any real spoilers here, but I will say Brooks and the Bucs did a good job on Peterson, and when I called Peterson Wednesday to explain the Tampa Bay defensive plan for stopping him, he was pretty forthcoming.”
Umm, isn’t revealing the opposing teams game plan to a player not kosher?
November 24th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
KT, is that you?
November 24th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
PK made me become one of those mouthbreathing idiots this week. I actually wrote to complain about his rankings b/c he put his beloved dipshit hayseed crush’s Jets at #2. If I ever use the “Disagree with Fatty? Rank ‘em yerself over here” feature on that fucking site, I want someone to smother me in my sleep.
/took 3 hour scalding shower and still doesn’t feel clean
November 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I take offense to your remark that Charlie Weis is “the fattest, dumbest, shittiest coach in the history of everything ever.”
-Romeo Crennel.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
This suit is NOT black!
November 24th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
So is this a weekly feature now?
If so, it might be the first time anyone’s ever taken my advice and had something positive come out of it.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Fuck Notre Dame
November 24th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Thank you so very much for sifting through his 6 pages of smegma and pulling out all the hilariously douchey things so I don’t have to.
November 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Charlie Weis makes his recruitment decisions on how much a player resembles roasted poultry.
I’m so sirry.
November 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
needs more Biff King.
November 24th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
@Animal Mother, see that’s the things I don’t know about. I thought Southwest was everywhere…like slutty girls with STDs or fat know-it-all football coaches.
November 24th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I am now convinced that PK only writes about football so he can get as close to as many men as possible. Oh and so he can eat as much popcorn as possible while SI and NBC foots the bill.
I am extremely happy that KSK is running this feature every Monday – I now have no reason whatsoever to visit SI.com.
November 24th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I now have no reason whatsoever to visit SI.com.
Not even for pictures of Marissa Miller and Karolina Kurkova?
November 24th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
National recruiting class rankings, The Most Overated Thing Ever? or The Mostest Overated Thing Ever?
November 24th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
a. People who can’t use bullet points
b. really irritate me.
Also, can we please put an end to these sportswriters using the “why is everyone else talking about [this thing I brought up out of nowhere]? Let’s talk about that [same thing]“. If you, Peter King, “journalist”, do it then you can’t blame other “journalists” for doing it.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
@ RBP – Always happy to help. I did make one error, I just found out that SW flies out of Philly now.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
” After Tom Brady’s first 11 starts in the NFL, his completion percentage was 66.3. After Matt Cassel’s 11 NFL games this season, his completion percentage is well, 66.3…Life is imitating art.”
No. No it is fucking not imitating art; it’s imitating life. Tom Brady’s performance actually happened in real life. How little thought went into crafting that faux-erudite diddy, PK?
November 24th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
I find it amazing SI still pays him. Then I remember they are not exactly winning the sports wars anymore and it becomes clearer.
PK: I travelled for approx. 12 years and found it helpful to actually carry my own toiletries. Bizarre, I know. Kind of made me feel like I was living my life, and not the buyer for the hotel chains. Plus, I could use them if I didn’t get to a hotel! Crazy!
November 24th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Mark Says:
November 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I take offense to your remark that Charlie Weis is “the fattest, dumbest, shittiest coach in the history of everything ever.”
-Romeo Crennel.
And I take offense to your implication that Romeo Crennel is the “fattest dumbest, shittiest coach in the history of everything ever.”
- Andy Reid
November 25th, 2008 at 2:37 am
I’m not one for superlatives, but this post might be the single greatest achievement in mankind.
Kudos.
November 25th, 2008 at 9:32 am
I’m so glad this is now a weekly column. Please keep it that way.