Last week, in a tribute to the now deceased blog Fire Joe Morgan, we sifted through an entire Peter King MMQB column precisely so you didn’t have to. It wasn’t easy. See how your brain reacts when you subject it to paragraph after paragraph about how wonderfully odor-free the Bucs’ locker room is. Well, it’s Monday again. Which means another chance for our latte-swilling tardporter to regale you with his patented brand of Regis Philbin-like football acumen…
I told Favre it’s pretty amazing that four months ago he seemed determined to play for Green Bay or Minnesota or no team, and look what’s happened. “You’re right,” he said. “Who’da thunk it? Me, a New York Jet.”
“Well, golly gee Pete! I done never expected to leave the ol’ farm for NEW YORK CITY! Who knew that spending month after month leaking complaints to the media in a cynical attempt to undermine the entire Packer organization would lead to them trading me to a team I originally was hesitant to join?”
Five things you didn’t know about Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, who was honored Thursday night before the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game for his 50 consecutive years of NFL service — as a player, assistant coach and head coach. And I won’t even include the one about reciting (from memory) “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” to his players every year, a few days before Christmas:
From memory? Well, he’s gotta be some kind of bookgician, he does!
What does it say about the maturity level of NFL players that one of their defensive coordinators holds fucking storytime for them every Christmas?
4. He calls his 95-year-old mother, Beulah LeBeau, in London, Ohio, every day.
He regularly communicates with his mother? GET THE FUCK OUT! Now that is some news of the WEIRD!
It’s quieter in hotels and on airplanes these days, with the economy the way it is. I am on a three-flight streak on Continental of being upgraded to first class with my frequent-flyer status, and two of those flights had empty seats in first …. which means there weren’t enough Elite flyers aboard to fill the seats.
Not enough elite flyers? NO! GAH! What miserable fate has befallen us, my dear countrymen! Real estate prices have tanked, stocks are worthless, and PETER KING DOES NOT HAVE SUFFICIENT COMPANY IN HIS EXCLUSIVE AIR CAPSULE! Do you realize he had to spend two whole hours on that flight NOT telling people about the muffaletta sandwich he had that afternoon? Or about his trip to the dermatologist?
Marriotts simply have to change their shampoo.
This is not elite flyer shampoo!
Can’t you put no-smell or low-smell shampoo in the rooms, Mr. Marriott?
My natural odor is strong enough as is!
Driving’s great, especially with Sirius Radio and a good headset for the cell phone. I kept a tally — 33 work calls on the round-trip.
So a tip to you drivers in Jersey and PA: Stay at least two lanes over from the asshole in the Volvo station wagon wearing a Bluetooth headset, drinking a vanilla latte, and trying to eat seven cinnamon scones simultaneously.
Gas at the Sideling Hill rest area on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, late July, on my training-camp trip: $4.29 per gallon. Gas at the same station Friday morning: $2.19 per gallon.
That’s fucking wild. It’s almost as if prices fluctuate in response to market demand!
It must be impossible to recruit for Notre Dame anymore. If Charlie Weis, with his Super Bowl rings, can’t walk into the homes of the best offensive players in the country and persuade them to hone their skills in maybe the best NFL-prep program for skill players, who can?
Here are the national recruiting rankings for Notre Dame over the past four years, according to Rivals.com. Keep in mind: these rankings are public information. All you need to do to find them is conduct a simple Google search.
Of course, it can be difficult to find these rankings if you are making 33 fucking calls in your car telling friends and family about how substandard the free shampoo at Marriott can be.
It would appear that Charlie Weis can recruit a player or two. It’s just that he’s, you know, the fattest, dumbest, shittiest coach in the history of everything ever. So perhaps we shouldn’t call his system the “best NFL-prep program for skill players” when Jimmy Clausen couldn’t hit the broad side of your ample backside with a pass.
Look for this to be the last year the Pro Bowl is played the week after the Super Bowl. As I reported on NBC last night, the league likely will announce in the next few weeks the moving of the game to the weekend before the Super Bowl.
That’s the kind of hard-hitting, relevant news I expect from a show that features Tiki Barber.
I’m sure when (Jared Allen) got the notice of the fine, he immediately went to his coaches and said, “Guys, this fine money is out of control. I’ve got to tone down my hits on the quarterback. Don’t expect me to be so aggressive from now on.” Not.
a. If I read one more story about where LeBron James might play two years from now, I’m going to puke.
b. Really: In what other sport are the next two seasons rendered totally meaningless for a cornerstone-of-the-league franchise like the New York Knickerbockers?
c. It’s everywhere — on talk radio, on “SportsCenter,” in columns, endlessly in every New York paper and Web site.
a. This is not how you use bullet points. If your thought is that LeBron James’ impending free agency is an overhyped story, that can all be accommodated by a single bullet. You don’t need to put each sentence of your thought onto new, successive bullet points. That would be wasteful. Your second bullet, ideally, would make an entirely new point.
b. You are a huge douche.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.