I’m Sorry, Nancy Boy of Mine
I’m sorry Kennedy Urlacher, for painting your toenails blue and forcing you to wear pink Cinderella diapers. As you can see from daddy’s Old Spice commercial, he went through a bit of an awkward phase himself, one that ultimately shaped him for the better. Not having suffered the slings and arrows of the brutal mocking of my peers, I wouldn’t be the Paris-banging fading star for a middling team that I am today. There’s something to be said for adversity is all, and I thought you had it too easy up to this point. Beats horse collaring you on the kitchen floor, I think.
I’m sorry I didn’t pick a better shade of blue. Upon further reflection, I should have picked something closer to the Bears color. Not my fault exactly. You know how Glidden has those team paints? Well Glidden doesn’t make toenail polish, and for that I’m sorry. Blue is still a boy’s color, though, so at least it’s got that gender-affirming aspect to it. And of course it doesn’t make him gay. Gay is something you learn during D&D sessions at Billy McMullan’s house when you’re in the 3rd grade.
I know Cinderella on the diapers was a particularly, maybe even excessively, humiliating touch, and, again, sorry. I look at the array of Disney princesses and, almost without exception, I get a raging fucking hard-on. Pocahontas? I’d bury my face a yard-deep in that ass. Mulan? Jasmine? Ariel? Belle? Jesus, I’d give it all back to dogpile them once in a kiddie pool full of caramel. But Cinderella? Even all decked out in the dress and shit, she’s a pretty plain-looking broad. The last thing I want is to look at my son’s diapers and get in an erection. No reason to scar the both of us, kiddo.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the diapers. And sorry for not changing them. I didn’t know you had to do that.
Tags: goth aaron rodgers wants painted toes, stealing Punte's shtick, The apologetic Brian Urlacher, xmas ape
November 26th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Urlacher wanted a girl … he’ll be damned if he’s taking back all those pretty dresses he bought!
November 26th, 2008 at 11:09 am
What the shit? not to mention the fact that I thought Kennedy was not only a last name but a first name for a girl.
I’m also a big fan of Snow White, but I’m old school and a sucker for brunettes.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Yeah sure, but does Kennedy have a neckbeard? That would be grounds for putting Urlacher in jail.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Alone… listless… breakfast table in an otherwise empty room
Young girl… violins… center of her own attention
The, mother reads aloud, child, tries to understand it
Tries to make her proud
November 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
@C-VCP: Well said. I recommend the 5/02/03 show.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I’m sorry for making you look fabulous
November 26th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
That’s just…creepy. Maybe Urlacher can replace Merriman as the Rapeasaurus? But instead of packing Marmalard’s fudge, he could sneak in and paint Neckbeards toenails and put Sex Cannon in a pink jersey?
November 26th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
MHS – what makes you think you’d have to sneak around to do that?
Anxiously awaiting the official KSK reaction to Quinn’s season-ending injury.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I had aggressively ignored Disney until my daughter got old enough to notice it. Holy shit balls! What have they done to Tinkerbell? She’s a pouty come-hither look and they stuffed a big, round ass in that little green miniskirt all of sudden. Hey, Tink. Why dontcha use some of that pixie magic to give me two dicks so I can give you a one-man DP? Or a nine-foot tongue so I can rim you from across the room?
I’m going to hell.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
@ UU: ditto on Snow White!
November 26th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Urlacher wants to make sure that he’s not the only one that was mocked and humiliated as a child. Commence ass kickings of Kennedy in T-minus 5 years.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
horse collaring on the kitchen floor is Paris’ favorite position du jour.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Jesus, I thought I was the only one who got a hard-on for Disney girls. I’m glad I’m not the only weirdo.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
No shortage of weirdos here.
Like Upstate Underdog and wrecking_ball, I would like to do very unDisney-like things to Snow White. Princess Jasmine was pretty damn hot,too, but probably the least attainable because she’s Arab-Muslim royalty. Ariel(when she’s on land) is also hot, especially because she can’t talk.
November 26th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
You’re a fucking asshole, Urlacher.
Hope Jerramy Stevens does his “Sorority Rush” on you (that’s an euphemism for anal rape, you retarded bitch).
/eats cheeseburger.
November 27th, 2008 at 4:27 am
Middling team my ass!! We’re 6-5, that’s very slightly above .500! You dick!
November 28th, 2008 at 6:40 am
Guys, remember – if you go with Snow White, you’re getting the ultimate in used goods. I’m picking Sleeping Beauty because she’s fresh.