I Really Don’t Have the Experience or Language Skills to Oversee Construction Projects in Japan
Wade: Whew! It just never stops! Seems every week it’s something — Adam’s suspension, Tony’s broken finger. It’s been tough, but I think we’re gonna weather this storm and make a run at the playoffs yet! But danged if I don’t spend too many nights on the couch in my office after watching film. Sure is good to be home for once!
(heats up Tupperware container of gravy)
Yessir, it’s been a rough year, but I think I deserve a little of this. Now let’s head over to the computer and see what those Morning News columnists have to say about ol’ Wade.
(laptop flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! YIP YIP YEEHAW! YIP YIP YEEHAW! YIP YIP YEEHAW!
Wade: Sir! What — what’s going on? Why are you on my computer?
Jerry: It’s a teleconference, teletubby! With my new living arrangements, I won’t be able to personally check in on you and watch you sweat at rest.
Wade: Sir, where are you? Are you saying you’re in…?
Jerry: OUTER FUCKING SPACE?!?! You’re goddam right I am! What a smart little piggy! Gonna win yourself the Nobel Prize in GASTRONOMY!
Wade: But sir, WHY?
Jerry: Major Tom to ROUND CONTROL! How the hell ELSE am I supposed to supervise the construction of my new stadiums, you heaving land mass?
Wade: Wait. Did you say stadiums? You mean there’s another stadium besides the new billion-dollar one?
Jerry: First rule in Double-J’s spending is this, Veal Armstrong: why build one when you can have two at twice the price? Only, this one was kept a secret.
Wade: What one? What are you talking about?
Jerry: HOKKAIDO, JAPAN! Official overseas home of AMERICA’S TEAM! That ginger twit Goodell loves international games so much that it’s only a matter of time until he sends my STARS overseas to make this great game of football more popular.
Wade: But those games are only played in London.
Jerry: Not anymore they aren’t! You think Double-J’s gonna put up with a week of British food and Anglopussy and watch AMERICA’S TEAM play on a fucking SOCCER field? HELL NO! I’m gonna sit in my gold-plated owner’s box and have a sashimi platter served on the nicest piece of naked underage Jap poon you’ve ever seen! Spicy tuna on spicy tuna! Yellowtail on yellow tail! HOOOOO WEE!!! I LOVE PUSSY!
Wade: Are we done?
Jerry: What’s the rush, Pear Bryant? Your container of gravy getting cold?
Wade: …
Jerry: We ain’t even CLOSE to being done. You’ve got to haul that great white ass to Japan!
Wade: WHAT? I can’t go to Japan! We have to play the Redskins on Sunday! The players need me!
Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHA! OH HO HO HO HO! Oh, that was rich. Ha ha. Phillips, every time… Ha ha ha… Every time I forget why I keep your cupcake cavern around, you go and say something like that. You really are somethin’. A big, fat glob of somethin’.
No, I think the team will be fine in your absence. Isn’t that right, Jason?
(second video window pops open)
Garrett: Konnichiwa, Mr. Jones. Everything is in place for Operation Downfall. All that remains is to drop Fat Boy, so to speak.
Jones: Excellent. Then we’ll commence with the aporkalypse now.
Lardass Flynn Boyle, you’re gonna take the next flight to Japan — rent a C-5 with an industrial sling if you have to — and make sure every one of my specifications for Hokkaido Cowboys Stadium is being met.
(types on wireless keyboard)
There. I just emailed you the list.
Wade: (opens attachment and reads) “Skin-tautening stations throughout the concourse… jeweled mural of the Cowboys star fucking the Rising Sun… every bathroom outfitted with the three-shells thing from Demolition Man“?
Jerry: Awesome movie.
Garrett: Mmm. Yes. Indeed.
Wade: Mr. Jones, this is literally impossible. There’s no way I can go to Japan and do this.
Garrett: Don’t take it so hard, my good man. Many of your stature are well respected in Japan. They are called rikishi, and like you, they wear diapers in public.
Wade: Hey! What are you talking about?
Garrett: Oh, nothing. And do try to watch your diet. If you get any larger you may unwittingly star in your own movie. I hear Godzilla never got paid any royalties. Mmm. Ha ha.
(third video window pops open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman hear da J got him dat space azz. Pacman down wid it. Pacman say ain’t no azz get tapt till we do the skeetskeet at fitty thouzzin feet. And he gon drank. Oh, BULEEV DAT. He gon drank.
Jerry: That is an excellent idea, Adam. What I need up here is more PUSSY AND BOOZE!!!! YEEEHAWW!!!! DRUNKEN SPACEFUCKING BEGINS RIGHT GODDAM NOW!!!!! I AM FUCKIN’ HORNY!!!!!!!!!
Wade: (types) 
Tags: captain caveman, Contact was only annoying in retrospect, Photoshop by 289, wade and jerry, we secretly replaced the Drew they serve with Ufford
November 12th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Can you do these for another team now? Fuck the ‘boys
November 12th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
That Jerry Jones picture is disturbing in a hundred different ways. I can’t even figure out where the hell he IS?
skeetskeet indeed.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
“Major Tom to Round Control…”
Sweet Fucking Jesus that’s good.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Can we have a KSK/Dugout Crossover extravaganza? This is oh so close.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
domo arigato, CC (and Mr. Roboto)
November 12th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Ohh…sad fugee face.
/Children of Men reference
November 12th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
McNulty - Like who? No other team has this much comedy gold.
Major Tom to Round Patrol - Awesome
November 12th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I wonder what Hines thinks about playing in Asia.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Jerry definitely makes Carl Sagan’s Contact sound a lot more realistic. Best. Spoof. Ever.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Jerry Jones is going to get his own game show in Japan:
“Cattle-Tender Awesome Power Athletic Smile Time Challenge”
November 12th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
The fill-in was so good I didn’t even notice it wasn’t Drew until you said so. Bravo.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I refuse to believe Wade would have leftovers to reheat. He finishes off his industiral sized can of gravy every time. Just like momma taught him.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Pear Bryant? “Borrowing” from Whitlock already, Drew?
http://msn.foxsports.com/cfb/story/8779214/Nice-time-to-ride-to-the-rescue,-Charlie
November 12th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Ditto- I just looked at the tags. That’s Restaurant-Quality, CC.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Spicy tuna on spicy tuna! Yellowtail on yellow tail!
Fan-fucking-tastic!
Unagi on poontagi?
/crickets
November 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Demolition Man got my through some tough times in my life.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
i enjoy my Veal Armstrong with a glass of syrah.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
this post needs more tentacle porn
November 12th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Pear Bryant? “Borrowing” from Whitlock already, Drew?
Hi, Drew here. flubby actually forwarded that to KSK and said it sounded like one of JJ’s nicknames for Wade. So I included it.
November 12th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
have a sashimi platter served on the nicest piece of naked underage Jap poon you’ve ever seen! Spicy tuna on spicy tuna! Yellowtail on yellow tail!
Classic dish. Gotta get them girls to shave though. Man, they love bush out there (and not the band or the president).
November 12th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
@J4B, shaved sashimi ?
November 12th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Annoying in retrospect?
November 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Great, now I want gravy and have no way to get it.
That picture makes Jerry Jones look like he’s been dead for a couple of days. And I would enjoy seeing him launched into space.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
my comment was for RBP, not J4B. your avatars look similar.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
shaved sashimi ?
shaved poonani for the sashimi…don’t need floss while eating.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
A military reference? You gave yourself away too soon, sir.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I hate to rain on the Drew’s well-written parade…but you do realize Hokkaido Japan is, shall we say, in the middle of butt fuck nowhere in Japan? Not to mention comparatively few Japanese live there. It’s the northern island that, while beautiful and a great winter sports destination, is particularly tricky to get to from the main population centers of Japan. This is the equivalent of building a major stadium in Golden, Colorado or something like that…
…not that I’d put it past the ol’ Double J to pull such a dumbass move.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Goth…I think that’s why Double J would pick it. He’s got all that room to put in a gigantic stadium AND he’d be destroying miles of pristine countryside.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I hate to rain on the Drew’s well-written parade…but you do realize Hokkaido Japan is, shall we say, in the middle of butt fuck nowhere in Japan? Not to mention comparatively few Japanese live there.
It’s a reference to the movie Contact. And I wrote it.
FAIL X 2
November 12th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Oh, yeah, I “fail X 2″ because I:
a) Didn’t get some obscure reference to some godawful Jodie Foster movie from ten years ago.
b) Didn’t realize some other asshole was ghost-writing one of Drew’s excellent intellectual properties.
GET SOME TASTE IN MOVIES AND SOME INDIVIDUAL CREATIVITY JACKASS!
(thanking you for serving our country was yesterday fuckface, now back to reality)
November 12th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Can we add another fail for getting super worked up over a comment on the internet?
November 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
You fail twice because you nitpick details in a humor piece and you don’t take the time to read tags that can prevent you from looking like a jackass.
Get fucked.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
also golden, co is a populous area. suburb of denver you know. goth rodgers, you are a dummy sir.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Yeah, Contact, great fuckin flick. Waited the whole film to find out the alien was her fucking Father. DIAF, Jodie Foster.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
So…Ufford is Drew now? Is this like when the Maj got vitiligo?
November 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
HOOOOO WEE!!! I LOVE PUSSY!
Now that is a sentiment I can most certainly co-sign. And I’m calling the next fat person I see a ‘cupcake cavern’.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
C’mon. I DEMAND accuracy in my absurdist depictions of the inner-workings of NFL front-offices. Not to mention that reading the tags wouldn’t have helped me much. Fuck, I saw Contact once and have spent the last decade trying to FORGET that piece of trash.
PS Golden is fucking inconvienient as shit to get to from Denver despite its proximity. Analogy stands asshole.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
@ BDD
Pretentious!
November 12th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
“skeetskeet at fitty thouzzin feet”
Pacman luv orbitin’ dat ass.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Wait a minute….Finkle is Einhorn….Einhorn is Finkle…..OH SHIT!
November 12th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Sashimi on shaved Jap poon sounds good to me. After I partake in the sashimi, I can get me some good ‘ol poontini, am I right, am I right? Huh, huh, fuck you!!!
/Double J meets Marmalard = End of Days
//I’m Raiden, RBP is Dr. Doom…DUUUUUUUUUH
November 12th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
If Wade and Jerry were in Contact instead of Tom Skerrit an Matt McKindagay, I probably would have liked the movie a lot more.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Now all we need is some crazed relation of Gary Busey to blow up the one in Dallas.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
my apologies J4B
November 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
That was fucking amazing.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
my apologies J4B
HEY!
November 12th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
you too RBP
November 12th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I haven’t seen “Demolition Man” in more than ten years yet I remembered that three shells thing right away. I also remember that Stalone and Snipes were freeze-dried in 1997, Taco Bell monopolized the restaurant industry; sex, profanity and contact sports were outlawed and Denis Leary was leading an underground revolution. Guh. Now that stupid movie is in my head.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@Gino: Don’t forget that weird high-five!
/only thing I can remember about that movie
November 12th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Spilly-
i think big ben would get along well with JI
JIM THOME
November 12th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
@Gino
Demolition Man won an Oscar for like the greatest movie of all time. When Stallone ate that rat burger in the underground city or whatever it was, a true cinematic achievement was made my friend!!!
November 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I’d let c. 1997 Sandra Bullock have whatever kind of sex she wanted to with me.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
What about circa 1997 Jody Foster?
November 12th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
@ GT
I’d bang Jodie Foster c. 2097. She tells stories with her eyes…
November 12th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Golden is a 10-15 minute drive from Denver you fucktard. Bye.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
@GOCM: You are right my friend. I was gonna say Sandra Bullock in black cat suit pants in 1997 was definitely the reason I watched that movie so many times. Google search…
@UU: np
November 12th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
John Hinckley, is that you?
November 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
double-j is the new bond villian, right?
/crosses fingers
November 12th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
@Gino, Day Man, GOCM, J4B: my head hurts just thinking about how many credits this site and its readers would be fined for violations of the Verbal Morality Statute. Whatever my boggle might be, I’m sure a ‘fluid transfer’ session with c.1997 Sandra Bullock would bring me joy-joy feelings.
I’ll admit it, I loved Demolition Man. And Wesley Snipes was right - the world is becoming a pussy-whipped version of itself.
/and if every restaurant were Taco Bell it would actually be a massive improvement in most places
November 12th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
“PS Golden is fucking inconvienient as shit to get to from Denver despite its proximity.”
Yeah, it is really bothersome to get on 6th Avenue and drive West those 15 miles to Golden. Or the short drive on 470 from whatever direction you desire.
What a maroon.
November 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I WAS NOT expecting to have my mind occupied with “Demolition Man” and “Contact” when I first logged on to KSK today.
I WAS expecting to have my mind occupied with stupid, obscure references to movies/tv/music when I first logged on to KSK today.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Demolition Man and Judge Dredd.
Bad cinema at its most awesome.
“You’re going to regret this the rest of your life…both seconds of it.”
November 12th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
+59201pi for the altered David Bowie reference
November 12th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
What’s your favorite movie about arm wrestling?
November 12th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
HI DREW THIS WAS A WELL-WRITTEN PIECE DREW BUT I MUST FAULT YOUR CLEAR IGNORANCE OF SEVERAL OBSCURE BITS OF SUSHI-MAKING TRIVIA DREW
ALSO GO COWBOYS
November 12th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Also, “aporkalypse now” = very excellent.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Drew - Why did you write such an anti-Cowboy post? You should write more like Caveman Captain.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
@FMRA: We as Cowboys fans do not talk like Ben Rongrastname during marathon sessions of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots or Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning or SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs Confrontation. Cease and desist your insults lest we release a nekkid Tubby and the bottomless gravy pit on the unsuspecting children of Boston.
Thank you,
PEW PEW PEW
November 12th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
@futuremrs.
No actually serving sushimi on naked underage girls is in fact the traditional serving technique. He knows his shit there…which makes his ignorance of obscure Japanese geographical facts all the more infuriating.
ALSO GO BERNARD POLLARD
November 12th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I got every single reference in that post. God, I’m a fucking dork.
November 12th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Young and dorky is better than old and lost.
/Ties onion to belt.
November 12th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
You set the bar too high with Tom Fupa. Shoulda saved that one for last.
November 12th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
RE Smello Says:
“Demolition Man and Judge Dredd. Bad cinema at its most awesome.”
I’m sorry, but I must quibble. “Demolition Man” was just awesome. “Judge Dredd” was fucking horrible. I still want those two hours of my life back. Fortunately, I remember very little of it other than it starred Stallone and had Rob Schneider in it. That second part should have been a tip-off.
November 12th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
You had me at “laptop flies open”.
/wouldn’t touch Renee Z with my ten-foot pole
November 13th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Remarkable indeed ol’ chap.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Double-J (in Botox and kabuki makeup) to Wade: “Domou arigato, Mr. Gelato!”