Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 9 in the NFL happen as they did.

You know, I hear a lot of you people out there bitching about having to go to church. “Wah wah! Church is boring! I hate getting dressed up! I don’t have to go to church to be a good person!”

Yeah, well no shit, people.

Of course you don’t have to go to church to be a good person, or even a good Christian, or Jew, or Muslim, or whatever other bullshit religion you are. That’s not why I suggest you attend, you morons. The reason I want you to go to church (or temple, or Mosque, or whatever the fuck Me-knows-what shrine you constructed) is because it’s your only chance each week to gather as a medamn COMMUNITY. Okay? I see you people. I see you scurrying about your lives ignoring each other, talking on the phone, sitting in your car, jacking off in the linen closet. It’s like you jackasses go OUT OF THE DAMN WAY not to talk to each other.

Well, pardon my French, but that is fucking bullshit.

The reason I want you to go to church isn’t because I like forcing you to sing songs, or to say all kinds of things about how awesome I am (though I’m not immune to flattery). No, I want you to go to church because I want you to be reminded each week that there’s more to life than just YOU, fucko. I know. Hard to believe.

I hear a lot of middle aged folks out there bitching about how busy they are these days, and how they never get to see their friends anymore. Well guess what, yapcunts? If you all went to church every Sunday, maybe you WOULD see a friend or two. Maybe you’d actually have a chance to connect with your fellow man, and realize that you are part of something fucking BIGGER. Maybe you’d stop playing with your fucking new 3G iPhone for second and bother to say hi to someone. Shithead.

That’s why I want you to go to church. It’s not to see Me. It’s to see everyone else around you. We go through this life, and sometimes we don’t fucking SEE other people. I want you to see people, to connect with them. That way, you’re more likely to, you know, do nice shit for people. And be a good person. And not be such a selfish prick. That’s why I want you to get off your ass Sunday morning. It’s not for My sake. It’s for your own. You insignificant little shits.

More importantly, church is my time to jack it each week. I like to know where the fuck everyone is when I decide to hide behind a cloud and do My godly thing. There’s a reason Indonesia gets torrential downpours every Sunday morning. That’s a big ol’ Godsoon of Lordbutter raining down on those folks. Especially if I’m checking out my trove of Vida Guerra photos. Oh Vida, did I ever get it right when I made your ass. Some days, God brings his motherfucking A game.

As for the NFL, I finally allowed the Bengals of Cincinnati to win this week because I am a just and merciful diety. Also, this one hot chick in the ‘Nati got dressed with her apartment window wide open the other week. And that made for one awesome Sunday morning for me while you were in church. Hooray for Me! You know I can masturbate without using my hands? Admit it. You’re a little jealous.

Yeah, I could have seen her undressing anyway. But even I still get a charge out of a little exhibitionism.