God Explains Week 12 Of The NFL
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 12 in the NFL happen as they did.
Well, it’s Thanksgiving again. I guess you people consider that a holiday, yes? See, that’s interesting. Because here I thought the point of a holiday was TO WORSHIP ME, YOU UNGRATEFUL SHITS. I created the Earth and the Heavens. The pilgrims sailed a ship into a fucking rock. And you’re telling me they deserve a holiday?
Let me explain to you the point of holidays. It’s right there in the word: holiday. That means HOLY DAY. A day of holiness. That’s God time, baby. You think you can just say some day is a holiday without asking me? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I could wipe you people out with an asteroid just like that. Don’t fucking test me.
I’m tired of these non-God holidays. Labor Day? What is that shit? Well, why don’t you just make every damn day a holiday, why don’t you? “Oooh, let’s make April 12th Monkey Day! Hooray! Let’s not receive mail or have our garbage taken away!” You people listen, and you listen good. You will play by my fucking rules, or I will send you straight to my boy Luc down in Hell. And he does not fuck around. He will play your intestines like a damn harp!
So you want to spend a day being thankful, do you? Okay. All right. Two can play this fucking game. Know what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving? Oh, that’s right. ME. Giver of light. Bestower of bountiful foods and crops. Yeah, you better thank me when you sit down at that table. Want to thank your wife for making those mashed potatoes? WELL, FUCK YOU. I made those potatoes. AND I made your wife. AND I gave her boobs. I WANT MY MEDAMN CREDIT!
Anyway, onto the week. You know what, Lions of Detroit? I’m sorry, but I really am toying with you. Sorry, Can’t help it. Maybe if the folks in your town could make a fucking car that isn’t a deathly eyesore on the planet I created, I’d be a bit more merciful. I also let two teams score over 50 points this week. Why? Who knows? I’m so MYSTERIOUS! You never know what the fuck I gonna do.
NOW WORSHIP ME AND THANK ME FOR GIVING YOU THAT WORKING PENIS, DICKSMACKS.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, god explains the NFL, sacrilicious, thank him for the sherry, thanksgiving
November 26th, 2008 at 9:52 am
That’s not God.
See, this beard comes right off
November 26th, 2008 at 9:55 am
I am thankful for any football on thanksgiving. Better that actually socializing with my in laws.
/still can’t get over the final episode of the shield
November 26th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Sherry?! For fuck’s sake
November 26th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Thanks for the penis, God.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:18 am
So what hand did you play in allowing the promotional campaign for Four Christmases to exist, oh precious giver of light? Get off your high horse and admit that you’ve been making some terrible mistakes recently.
I mean, what kind of a God allows ex-Cowboy after ex-Cowboy to announce every Giants game. I can’t take this shit anymore.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Thanks for making the Giants the best friggin’ team in the NFL this season. You da friggin’ man, am I right?
fuhgetaboutit!
/gotta go check the papers, check the papers
November 26th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Um, hate to be a stickler God as you are all knowing but Thanksgiving is about giving Thanks to You for the Pilgrims surviving the trip over and the bounty found in the new world. So Thanksgiving is still supposed to be about thanking You. But labour day? Damn commie holiday but I love the day off.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Hey Animal Mother,
Why don’t you come over here and shine my fuckin’ shoes?
November 26th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Should read, “go and get your fuckin shine box”
My apologies.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Huh - I wouldn’t mind having a working penis right now. Preferably attached to Jason Statham… For that I would be VERY thankful.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Smello - I gotta say. i’m confused. You want a penis to fuck Jason Statham? Or your want to be Jason Statham or you just want Jason Statham’s working penis near u. Wait.. now i got it.
Thanks for my wife’s potatoes god! and thanks for my mom’s boobs! wait… oh crap.. don’t press subm
November 26th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Geez people at least wait until tomorrow morning to start drinking
November 26th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Dear God,
Thanks for making Scotland and Ireland cold, dark, wet places that are fit to grow only potatoes, barley, and peat. Drinking Ardbeg by the mugful tomorrow shall be my tribute to you.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Is this KSK or FKS?
Either way, I certainly agree with the assessment of the Labour Day unholy vacation.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Might as well thank you for pre-work morning sex too as spending the next few days at the inlaws is putting me in a terrible position. Looks like its back to playing with myself in the shower, pbbt…like that ever stopped.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Dear Almighty Giver of Life, Boobs and Penises,
Thank you in advance for allowing my Pats to beat Ape’s whiney, heathen Stillers. After their loss, please make sure they and their retahd fans use their usual excuses like, Ben’s got a bad shoulder, or Fast Willie was hurt, or Santinios dick got in the way.
Your Humble Servant,
Favre’s Next
November 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Thanks for giving me the Rams. That way, I can get some yard work accomplished in the fall.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:05 am
That’s God time, baby.
So, God is Robert Evans?
/avoids Lightening strike
November 26th, 2008 at 11:22 am
@Gooch
“Maybe you didn’t hear about it, you’ve been away a long time. They didn’t go up there and tell you. I don’t shine shoes anymore.”
November 26th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Animal Mother,
Relax, will ya? You flip right out, what’s got into you? I’m breaking your balls a little bit, that’s all. I’m only kidding with ya
November 26th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Yeah yeah, thanks for my dick. Pissing standing up and making 20% more than women are the two things that keep me going. Now about the explanations - Oakland 31-10 in Denver?? Time to tap that supposed infinite wisdom and let us know what was up with that one. Is Shanahan screwing baby goats again?
Like Job, I got all fucking day, so whenever you’re ready, Lord.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Well, it’s nice to know that God is a petty, passive-aggressive jerk. Of course, after the last 10-12 months, that has become very obvious to me. Hey God, how about I take my thanks, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!!!
/Seattle fan
November 26th, 2008 at 11:52 am
God is angry. But he also created Matt Millen…so maybe this is just another mistake on his part.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:53 am
September 19th isInternational Talk Like a Pirate Day. …one of my favorites..
November 26th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Dear God, can you please smite the fucks working in the NFL network since they are robbing us of the best game of the day Eagles vs. Cardinals. Amen
November 26th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Bob would thank you for that working penis, but during prayer he was in the men’s room, going again.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Dear God, No disrespect intended but what the fuck do you drive, a Saab? Gay.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I hate it when god is on the rag.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Thanks for the penis, God. OH WAIT. Well, thanks anyway for my tits. I guess they make up for the lower salary and that whole childbirth thing. NOT.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I do thank God for boobs. Every day.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
@ mamacita
Your lower salary is made up for by the fact you can just show some boob and get a job.
For higher tier salaried positions, you may have to smoke some pole.
Guys don’t have option #1, and unless they’re Brady Quinn, option #2 is out as well.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
you’re all going to hell.
carry on
November 26th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Gooch
Sometimes you don’t sound like you’re kidding, you know, there’s a lotta people around…
November 26th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Dear God,
I could have been born in any one of twenty-six different NFL cities and you had to make it fucking Cleveland.
Screw you.
Gennifer with a G
November 26th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
@ Slothrop
Damn Straight, Right On, Fuck Yeah and a AAAAAAMEN!
November 26th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
“Thank him for the sherry”?
I hope that tag is an esoteric and hilarious joke that I’m just not getting, not a real admonition. Sherry is only good for adding flavor to the turkey soup you cook the next day. I’ll be thanking the Lord for the delicious whiskies of Scotland and Ireland that quiet the voices in my head and make my relatives presence bearable.
November 26th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Dear God,
Thank you for creating Patriots fans so we can all laugh at them here on this blog…..18*-1 bitches!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
Your loyal servant,
Day Man
November 26th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I’m setting myself up here, but oh well, nowhere else is it more appropriate…is it wrong of me to be thankful for the penis as well? And like mamacita, I’m thankful for my lady bits.
I’d also like to give thanks for Tony Romo’s healed pinkie finger. Or at least that he stopped being a pussy about it.
@ StuScottBooyahs - whoa whoa whoa. There’s no such thing as drinking too early!
November 26th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
God didn’t really do much explaining about Week 12. It was all angry condescending lecturing, like we’re each the lone white guy at a mandatory workplace diversity seminar.
I’m still waiting for God to explain what the hell is up the Vikings 2008 season. That one is a mystery beyond all human reason.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Thank you God…
For embarrassing Mike Shanahan last Sunday
For doppelbocks and porters
For my girlfriend’s great big wonderful titties
For a job that, while backbreaking and shitty, at least pays well enough
For for the internet’s Holy Testicular Trinity: Fantasy Football, KSK, and Free Porn
November 27th, 2008 at 2:08 am
haha man im tiripping balllzzz buT read big dADDY DREW DAILY, BUT RIGHT NOW THE GOD BE ASKING FOR A WORKING DICK? MY DICKS FUCKING BUSTED MAN, BAD FUCKING TRIP MAN.
November 27th, 2008 at 2:09 am
WERE COOL THOUGH
November 27th, 2008 at 3:30 am
@VYS
Two words explain the 2008 Vikings season: Brad Childress
You’re welcome.