God Explains Week 11 Of the NFL Season
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 11 in the NFL happen as they did.
Hello, my children. A lot of My most fervent worshipers love to argue against the obvious benefits of stem cell research by asserting that man shouldn’t attempt to play God. Let me tell you, that is some straight bullshit. I put you people on Earth to see what kind of crazy shit you could pull off, so I damn well expect you to aspire to My divine level. So if you need a new windpipe, just make one from scratch! You mortals have been sleeping on this ability for far to long, and it’s time to pick up the pace. Remember, I don’t just miraculously heal people. That’s a job for the Christian Scientist’s god, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure he’s imaginary.
So you Me fearing cockblockers need to ease up on your anti-stem cell stance so that the intelligent people can figure out how do repair knee cartilage a little bit faster. I, and my infallible fantasy team, are counting on you. But don’t do it for me, do it for every running back whose career nosedives at 32. Remember Priest Holmes? Wouldn’t it be cool if he were still awesome? Well I’m holding on to him in My keeper league just in case you people wise up and use what I gave you to make him like new again.
Continue after My blessed jump for an explanation of last week’s more curious outcomes.
-The Bears of Chicago were trounced the Meat Packers of Green Bay because they had the audacity to reinsert the neck-bearded one into the lineup. Hey Lovie Smith, DO NOT FUCK with forces that you do not understand. Forces like Me and the sex-cannoned one. Otherwise you will suffer similar fates until the day you are fired.
-I have no excuse for allowing the Falcons of Atlanta to fall to the Broncos of Denver. I fell asleep for five minutes and before I knew it the game was over. My fault.
-The Dolphins of Miami beat the Raiders of Oakland by a scant two-point margin because I’m trying to kill the one known as Al Davis…again. Next time I’ll send Samael to finish the job with a wooden stake.
-The Browns of Cleveland were triumphant over the Bills of Buffalo because…well…somebody had to win. So yeah, I flipped a coin. Got a problem with that? Well too bad, because I’m calling the shots here. Got a problem with it? Start praying to Vishnu and go watch cricket.
-The Steelers of Pittsburgh edged out the Chargers of San Diego because I really wanted the Chargers to cover without giving Marmalard the satisfaction of victory. My only regret is giving that satisfaction to that annoying YouTube harpy. Good Me, in the old days I would have smote that ass into oblivion. Seriously, what kind of bookie keeps the money on a tie? Die in a fire started by your neglected child.
-The Titans of Tennessee were once again victorious, this time against the Jaguars of Jacksonville, because I feel ultimately responsible for Boston fans and I’m taking it upon myself to bring them down a peg by guiding another team to perfection. You see, I made the Boston fans, like all the rest of you, in my image. Unfortunately the Boston fans were made in the image of my anus. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that as well as my decision to make it up to them by bestowing upon them such bountiful franchises.
Tags: blasphemy, god explains the NFL, sacrilicious, Unsilent Majority
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November 19th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Ah yes, and Titans fans were made from God’s great taint
November 19th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I can only assume that You took San Diego plus the points last week…
November 19th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
df,
FAIL
November 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
God hasn’t punished a city like he has punished Buffalo since Soddam and Gemorha
November 19th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
But why did you let the Cowboys win? Why?? WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!
Youdamnit!
November 19th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
“Pittsburgh won 11-10 because they were supposed to win 11-10. There was never meant to be a controversy. I looked away in the closing seconds to go make a sandwich and everything went to shit. Had to temporarily suspend the ‘Free Will’ thing with the refs to fix that one.”
November 19th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
It’s obvious God took the points in the Charger-Steeler game.
And thanks for letting the Giants stomp a new mud hole in the Ravens. It was pretty quiet without all the woofing about tackles made 12 yards down field.
One more thing, please, please, please, please, please, please don’t let Favre and the Jets beat the Titans. I don’t think I could stand to hear the verbal fallating that TK will go on about during MNF.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Heavenly father,
Delhomme’s a pretty whiny bitch – don’t you agree? Why not allow John Abraham to crush his spine this weekend in the Georgia Dome? Also – please allow Jerious Norwood to bust a big return on kickoffs this weekend.
your faithful servant,
Ryno
November 19th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
God, whyest hath thou bestowed such sadness and overall shattyness upon the Jaguars of Jacksonville?
November 19th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
God,
Why did you let Trent Edwards run for 1/4 of a yard for a TD in order to lose my Fantasy Football matchup with my boss? I mean seriously, go ahead and tease me with his 3 picks, then fuck me in the ass with that awful TD. That was shittier than a bag of unwiped assholes.
It’s because I’m from New England, isn’t it…
Kind Regards,
Murphi
November 19th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
@dAndy: You know it’s because of Silky Garrard. Not so much his business, as the fact that he doesn’t let God sample the merchandise from time to time without charging exorbitant hourly rates…
November 19th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Technically, didn’t the Bengals cover? I don’t know how these things work.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
@StuScottBooyahs: Because that’s his team that’s why. And because the Redskins are made up from the brown crusties that fall off the taint of the one who poops on towels.
/let it be written, let it be done.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Justino- yes they did cover, that’s what makes that bookie mom such a dumbfuck
November 19th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Check out the link for YouTube harpy above…wouldn’t you let her be your bookie? HH at http://www.showoffsports.com
November 19th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Start praying to Vishnu and go watch cricket.
Man, that’s all kinds of hell!
November 19th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I knew God would have some words of wisdom. Only He could explain some of the excrement we saw this weekend.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I’m curious why God allowed for a tie, or is it just for the McNabb hilarity that ensued?
November 19th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Dear God,
Brian Westbrook
Amen
November 19th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Hey God, just wondering why you didn’t comment on the Cincy/Eagles game. I mean, not that it was worth commenting on, but why the tie? Why not let Shayne Graham’s leg carry that field goal to victory and thus spare us from Dumbfuck McNabb snarfing on whether the game could have ended in a tie?
Also, why the hell do you like Kurt Warner so damn much?
November 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Can we get a list of what other parts of God he made fanbases in the image of.
November 19th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
God has forsaken us again.
Sincerely,
Buffalo
November 19th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Merciful Lord,
Pleasepleaseplease let the Two Score and Niners of Saint Francis school the Cattle Ranchers of Dallas. I have that in my office pool and I wanna fuck with everyone.
Regards,
The Balls Without Staph in Cleveland.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
God,
Just wondering, what did Your linebacker do to you last week?
-Giants Fan
November 19th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Dear God,
Thanks for nothing. First you smite the knees and toes of our All-Pros, take away Cromartie’s spine and put Rivers’ cerebral cortex. Then you give Delhomme x-ray vision, Hochuli blindness, and Polumalu the ability to fly. Ok, we get it – you’re trying to make the AFC West interesting, but can you stop already? It’s time for the Chargers to start winning again – it would be really funny if Peyton beat his record from last year and threw 7 interceptions this week, right?
Love, the last sober Chargers fan
November 19th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Dear Lord -
Pleas let Mike Singletary spontaneously combust on the sidelines against your team this weekend. I never get tired of watching caoches lose their shit with the cameras fixed on them.
Also, thanks for Hot Suzy on Monday. MILF extraordinaire.
November 19th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Dear Lord,
How could you let the Browns of Cleveland win? I thought you did not like the baloney ponies? It’s because he’s a Golden Domer isn’t it? Is Dana Jacobsen from Buffalo or something?
/Disgruntled Bills fan
/At least Suzy looked good
November 19th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
You know, I thought this feature had run its course. The jokes were getting more forced. I thought the stem-cell part was a tad preachy, even for a column that is ostensibly the Voice of God.
But then you concluded with the part about Boston fans being made in the image of God’s anus. I am so sorry for doubting. Hallelujah Praise Jeezus. Purple Red White Black or Brown. Praise the whole rainbow of Jeezuses.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
God:
I’m a bit troubled. Are you saying the whole “Wide Right” thing was just a fluke? I was hoping for more meaning, especially after ESPN kept showing Jim Kelly on the sidelines.
For a brief moment, I thought I had seen your divine hand at work.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
So if you had Philly or Cincy straight up, wouldn’t that be no action?
And if you had Cincy and the points that’d be a win, and Philly to cover the points would be a loss?
Do I have this right or what? The house probably took a bath anyway as I’d imagine most of the action was on the Eagles to cover.
Thanks for the great ride this weekend God => BC +7, SD +5, DAL -2, and finally the bust out on BUF -5.
November 20th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Newsletter. Subscribe. Etc.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Dear Sir,
While I was not pleased with last Thursday night’s outcome. I can live with it if, and only if, You cause Brett Favre’s
(why did You spell his name that way?) limbs, and I mean all of them, to be shattered by Haynesworth and company this week. Permanent paralyzation is OK.
Also, why, if we are made in the likeness of Your Anus, does all the shit talk come out of DC?