Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 11 in the NFL happen as they did.

Hello, my children. A lot of My most fervent worshipers love to argue against the obvious benefits of stem cell research by asserting that man shouldn’t attempt to play God. Let me tell you, that is some straight bullshit. I put you people on Earth to see what kind of crazy shit you could pull off, so I damn well expect you to aspire to My divine level. So if you need a new windpipe, just make one from scratch! You mortals have been sleeping on this ability for far to long, and it’s time to pick up the pace. Remember, I don’t just miraculously heal people. That’s a job for the Christian Scientist’s god, and to be honest, I’m pretty sure he’s imaginary.

So you Me fearing cockblockers need to ease up on your anti-stem cell stance so that the intelligent people can figure out how do repair knee cartilage a little bit faster. I, and my infallible fantasy team, are counting on you. But don’t do it for me, do it for every running back whose career nosedives at 32. Remember Priest Holmes? Wouldn’t it be cool if he were still awesome? Well I’m holding on to him in My keeper league just in case you people wise up and use what I gave you to make him like new again.

Continue after My blessed jump for an explanation of last week’s more curious outcomes.

-The Bears of Chicago were trounced the Meat Packers of Green Bay because they had the audacity to reinsert the neck-bearded one into the lineup. Hey Lovie Smith, DO NOT FUCK with forces that you do not understand. Forces like Me and the sex-cannoned one. Otherwise you will suffer similar fates until the day you are fired.

-I have no excuse for allowing the Falcons of Atlanta to fall to the Broncos of Denver. I fell asleep for five minutes and before I knew it the game was over. My fault.

-The Dolphins of Miami beat the Raiders of Oakland by a scant two-point margin because I’m trying to kill the one known as Al Davis…again. Next time I’ll send Samael to finish the job with a wooden stake.

-The Browns of Cleveland were triumphant over the Bills of Buffalo because…well…somebody had to win. So yeah, I flipped a coin. Got a problem with that? Well too bad, because I’m calling the shots here. Got a problem with it? Start praying to Vishnu and go watch cricket.

-The Steelers of Pittsburgh edged out the Chargers of San Diego because I really wanted the Chargers to cover without giving Marmalard the satisfaction of victory. My only regret is giving that satisfaction to that annoying YouTube harpy. Good Me, in the old days I would have smote that ass into oblivion. Seriously, what kind of bookie keeps the money on a tie? Die in a fire started by your neglected child.

-The Titans of Tennessee were once again victorious, this time against the Jaguars of Jacksonville, because I feel ultimately responsible for Boston fans and I’m taking it upon myself to bring them down a peg by guiding another team to perfection. You see, I made the Boston fans, like all the rest of you, in my image. Unfortunately the Boston fans were made in the image of my anus. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that as well as my decision to make it up to them by bestowing upon them such bountiful franchises.