God Explains Week 10 of the NFL Season
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 10 in the NFL happen as they did.
Hello my children. Before I get to explaining the outcomes of this past Sabbath I’d like to address the actions of some of the more retarded worshipers out there on behalf of my favorite prophet. Listen up folks, and listen good, because Moses is up here and he’s smashing everything that isn’t bolted down. You stupid confused assholes need to stop worshiping a false idol. Honestly, I thought we’d been over this before, but now you’re back at it, worshiping a giant golden cow. I mean, are you serious? Don’t you remember what happened the last time you pulled that shit? So cut the crap and stick to worshiping Me, not your precious gold.
Please continue after My holiest of jumps for an explanation of the games that were, along with a quick refresher course on the Ten Commandments.
I. I am Adonai Your God- But in my absence the role can be filled by Adrian Peterson. Purple Jesus can do it all when I deem it necessary, however the Vikings of Minnesota must remember that I help those who help themselves. Gus Frerotte hasn’t exactly been helping himself lately, and frankly I’m getting a little tired of helping his ass. Keep throwing interceptions and next time you can beat Green Bay your own damned self.
II. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me- This one’s a biggie, but in the case of Kurt Warner I’ll make an exception.
Uh…yeah, Kurt? People are starting to talk, so maybe you should just quit fawning over me on national television for a while. Maybe you could thank another deity for the time being, because really, we’re all pretty much the same.
III. You shall not take the Name of Adonai thy God in vain- In case you’ve ever wondered why the Lions have been such a putrid franchise for so long, wonder no more. It’s because William Clay Ford once said something really naughty about me back in the 60’s. So let that be a lesson to the rest of you, and never ever tell me to shove the Five Books of Moses up my ass.
IV. Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy- This one goes out with emphasis to the Raiders of Oakland as well as the Panthers of Carolina. You two might as well have just ripped off your pants and taken a giant steaming dump on the holiest of days. If you’re going to play like that please save it for Thursday Night Football. At least then I can watch The Office. I’m a total Stanley.
V. Honor your father and mother- Listen Chris Snee, I know Tom Coughlin isn’t your real dad, but he is your father in law, so if he says “IF YOU GIVE UP A FUCKING SACK I’LL SLICE YOU OPEN AND SHIT ON YOUR INTESTINES” you should probably try to pick up that blitzer before he gets a finger on little Elisha.
VI. You shall not murder- And yes, this includes manslaughter, which is Jets were running by Leonard Little all day long. The only reason he managed to make that one tackle is because I was distracted at the time by a girl changing clothes with the blinds open in San Diego.
VII. You shall not commit adultery- Come to think of it, I’m just fine with a don’t ask don’t tell policy when it comes to adultery within the NFL. Keep it off the sidelines and I’ll pretend not to see any of Bill Belichick’s off-field dalliances.
VIII. You shall not steal- I’m looking at you, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Kansas City, Seattle, and Pittsburgh. If you guys thought you could play like crap and steal late victories you were dead wrong. Not on my watch, assholes.
IX. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor- This can also be interpreted as “You shall not commit false witness against the Bears.” This is precisely what Kerry Collins was guilty of on Sunday. I know the real Kerry Collins, and that, my children, was not the real Kerry Collins. I calleth shenanigans!
X. You shall not covet- Actually that one is kind of outdated. The Giants of New York should feel free to covet the cheerleading squads of their rivals in Washington, Philadelphia, and Dallas. I mean hell, I thought I was archaic, but nothing compares to an NFL team without quality ass patrolling the sidelines. Covet away guys, I make them that way for a reason.
See? That’s all there is to it! You don’t have to hate gays or picket outside of abortion clinics, just follow those simple rules and you too can join Me in paradise. You should see the size of our nacho platters. It’s enough to keep anyone on the straight and narrow.
Thanks God!
Tags: blasphemy, god explains the NFL, sacrilicious, Screencap by Ape, Unsilent Majority
November 11th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Maj, there’s a new testament now … get with the times!
November 11th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
No cheerleaders is effing sacrilege.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Hmmmmm……….nachos…..
Cheerleaders are a work of God. Now the Fat Guy Dance Teams….those are works of the Devil!
November 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Christians…worshipping a golden bull statue…AGAIN? No way this doesn’t end badly.
Oh and I hear that Romo is the anti-Ben. Looking at the Redskins cheerleaders and getting a chubby actually makes him play better since he’s constantly smirring. Maj, make sure the scattered ass is on full display on Sundee. And tell the Zornado that DeAngelo wants to play bump and run coverage all game long.
/please have Shaun Alexander play the entire game
November 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Just keep praying that Clinton can’t go.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Hey hey hey, the Israelites were worshipping a Golden CALF. These zealots are worshipping a Golden BULL.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I saw this cheerleader pic when it was up earlier, but this time I actually looked at her face too. Not too shabby! As for Thursdays, don’t forget about the It’s Always Sunny action!!
November 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I really, really hope that bull-worshiping piece was a satire…it was, wasn’t it? Please say it was.
I know it wasn’t.
Fucking idiots. Even Ben knows “STATUES DON’T HELP PEEPLE JESUS DOES, AND SOMETIMES SOOPERMAN.”
November 11th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Hey hey hey, the Israelites were worshipping a Golden CALF. These zealots are worshipping a Golden BULL.
It done grew up!
November 11th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I live close to Wall Street – you should see the mediocre tourists who frequent that fucking bull. They might as well worship it.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
If this vengeful NHL God were to deem it necessary to wipe out football with a single devastating flood, whom would He appoint as keeper of the Ark, that the NFL might be recreated and spring anew from his loins?
And please don’t fucking say Brett Favre,
November 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
whoops NFL not NHL… I’ll go ahead and blame that on the gallons of Theraflu I’ve consumed since Sunday.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
FMRA: Jon Kitna, of course
November 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I’m thinking it should be Chad J. Because he could figure out how to float that ark thingy on a cloud.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@ futuremrs…
You know Theraflu is just hot Country Time lemonade, right? At least that’s what Tom Cruise says…
November 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Dear God,
Get fucked.
Sincerely,
The People of Philadelphia
November 11th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
PS. Shove all five Books of Moses up your ass. Cram the Book of Mormon, the Quaran and the Necromicon up there while you’re at it.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Philly does not screw up when it comes to their cheerleaders, and that one is definitely Defense Exhibit A. On the other hand, she has the look that says, “I know I’m the hottest thing in this god-awful town, so if you make less than $500k and can’t tolerate craziness that knows no bounds, just keep walking.”
November 11th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Dear God,
Get fucked.
Sincerely,
The People of Philadelphia who just won a World Series for fuck’s sake
/ungrateful’d
November 11th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Dear OG,
What’s up with Ryan Torain? Why did You have to smite him down already? Jeez, the guys sits with a bum elbow for 6 months, then as soon as he gets in a game, You rip his knee assunder?
I didn’t fucking grab him off the fucking waiver wire a fucking week before anybody fucking noticed he was going to be fucking playing just so You can fucking go and fuck him the fuck up right off the fucking bat! FUCK!
I know You hate Shanahan, but think of us little people before You seek out Your vengence upon the anti-Christ.
Oh, and thanks for chicks with big tits, long legs, nice asses and casual moral attitudes. You da man!
November 11th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Baseball? Who gives a shit about baseball? I mean, the Phillies winning the World Series was great and all, but it’s kind of like watching your best friend fucking the head cheerleader: Good for him, but you still got dry balls.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Thank you God for letting Bill Belichick sell his soul to the devil once again this year.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
“Covet away guys, I make them that way for a reason.”
Amen.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Listen Chris Snee, I know Tom Coughlin isn’t your real dad, but he is your father in law, so if he says “IF YOU GIVE UP A FUCKING SACK I’LL SLICE YOU OPEN AND SHIT ON YOUR INTESTINES” you should probably try to pick up that blitzer before he gets a finger on little Elisha.
Sports Illustrated did a poll of 320 NFL players asking them which current NFL coach would you least like to play for. Tom Coughlin (surprise!) was number one, with 16% of the vote, and my initial reaction was, “Why isn’t that percentage higher?”
November 11th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Dear God,
Thanks for the early lines on the Vikings, Ravens, and Tennessee games. Just give me a sign, and I’ll donate 10 percent of my winning to charities that feed crippled orphans. … … No sign? You rock!
November 11th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Unsilent Majority talks to the burning bush a lot.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Talk all you want to the burning bush, but do anything else and you’re going to need shots. Lots of them.
/STD free since 1999.
November 11th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
The whole KSK staff suffers from Syphilitic Dementia. That’s why they can talk to God.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Dear God,
Why the fuck did Joe Buck have to jinx Mason Crosby?
Kicking 60 yarders in practice? I MEAN, WE TALKIN’ BOUT PRACTICE! Not a game, not a game. But fucking practice.
Not to mention it cost me fucking playoff spot.
Unbelievable.
/begins “Tank In ‘08″ fantasy football campaign
November 11th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
check out this hilarious BCS satire!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6catQoYIeI
November 11th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I’d like God to explain why the power went out in the movie theater while I was seeing Role Models — thanks for ruining a hilarious movie!
November 11th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
@fmra: the keeper of the nfl faith and resurrection is none other than
herr kommisar goodell.
he will ensure its aryan blood courses true and succumbs not to the temptations of mongrelization.
primarily by farming out the eagles cheerleaders.
the lord’s work indeed.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
So if Ford tellin’ ya to slam stone tablets up your ass is what did it for Detroit, can I ask what the hell happened in Cleveland??
November 12th, 2008 at 8:36 am
You would think that “He Who Is” would not refer to himself as “Adonai,” but, rather, YHWH.
Just saying.
Oh… and…. GO ‘SKINS!
November 12th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I thought his name was Jehovah. That’s what those fine people keep telling me Saturday mornings when they stop by to say hello.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Nah… Jehovah is an incorrect Latinized way of articulating the Hebrew YHWH.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
He has a shitload of Hebrew names (Jah among them) but Jehova or Yahweh is the one you’re not supposed to say.
November 12th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Maybe you could thank another deity for the time being, because really, we’re all pretty much the same
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I expect such inane and ignorant comments out of simmons – not you guys.
November 12th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Dear God, Perhaps the solution to the Lions issue is to simply smite William Clay Ford? Why must the Lions fans be punished? Why God, Why???
November 12th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
“Maybe you could thank another deity for the time being, because really, we’re all pretty much the same.”
Could you put that on a billboard or something? ‘Cuz it seems a lot of people don’t quite get that.