Today we have Frank Gifford, in all his wood-paneled splendor, extolling the virtues of Lucky Strike cigarettes and giving us a glimpse inside the mysterious huddles of the pre-Super Bowl era (a.k.a. the Dark Ages). Here the All-Pro halfback shows us the finer points of offense—and manliness.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

0:02 I can’t decide if ‘Captain Bijou’ sounds like a gay stripper or a third-rate super hero. “Able leap an intrusive ad in a single bound!”

0:06 “The question football fans ask me more than any other: Do you ever worry about getting caught shagging a flight attendant in a bugged motel room? And to answer that question: No. No, I do not.”

0:13 Wasn’t Vince Lombardi the offensive coordinator for the Giants during Gifford’s glory days? Are we to believe one of the true coaching geniuses in football let these hung-over jokesters hash out the plays in the huddle?

0:20 Looks like Hall of Fame lineman Rosey Brown isn’t included in this commercial. I can’t imagine why. Maybe he wasn’t a smoker.

0:32 “After a game and a good shower I always get lucky, with Lucky Strike… and your grandmother.”

0:42 L.S. / M.F.T. Lucky Strike Makes Frank something-that-starts-with-T. Shit, I never was any good at stuff like that.

0:53 Christmas cigarette cartons. Pictures of pinecones and bows are a festive holiday way to ease the pain of your lung cancer and emphysema.

1:05 Dude, we are not going to your site.


So there we have it, Frank Gifford is a man’s man and you are a wuss. Four seconds after that commercial shoot was over, Giff had a scotch in his hand, some swing on the hi-fi and a redhead on his lap. Meanwhile, what are doing? Sipping on some coffee and reading a fruity sports blog? You make Frank Gifford sick, you pansy.