‘Don’t You Be Touchin’ My Celebration Weed Now!’
What the fuck you lookin’ at, fool! I see you eyein’ my celebration weed over there! You best be wise and keep off that shit. That’s for TO-NITE! For da vic’try party! We gonna git down! I got my crunk and my weeeeeed and my Henneseeeeeeey and my–
[cell phone rings]
…shit, hang on.
Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama, how may I be of serv…Aw, shit, Oprah! You damn near scare me outta ma skin, girl! Thought you was CNN! Lemme call ya back.
So what was I sayin? Yeah, so I’m glad this shit’s FINALLY over, knowutI’m sayin? ‘Cuz if I shake hands with one more nigga I AM GONNA CHOKE A BITCH! And why the fuck are they always followin’ us around? Don’t they have JOBS n’shit? Hey, yo free health care is coming! Obama Claus is coming to yo town! Now git yo ass outta my face! And don’t you fools be touchin’ my weed, cuz that shit’s fo–
[cell phone rings again] Muthafucka what the shit? Again?
Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Anderson, it’s very nice to hear from you…I’d love to do that, but actually, I’m unavailable tomorrow morning…4 o’clock then?…Terrific. I’ll let Barry know…I’m looking forward to it as well…Haha, yes, let’s hope so…bye bye now.
Man, that goddamn Steve Martin lookin’ muthafucka always CALLIN ME n’ shit? Bein’ all “I’d love to sit down with you and…” Nigga, sit y’ass down YO’SELF. What was I talkin’ bout? Oh yeah.
So damn, fool! You know what’s shocked me the most? ALL THESE GODDAMN WHITE PEOPLE UP IN THIS MUG? Y’all know what Gitmo is right? That’s where we’re putting all the white people. The crackers had their shot at fucking shit up. NOW IT’S OUR TURN! Whoooooose house? Ruuuuuun’s House! Fist bump, fool!
You can hang though. You cool. But you ain’t gettin’ none’my weed. We ain’t just handin’ shit out up in this mug. Git ya’own shit. Punk ass fool.
Tags: Election Daykakke, jeez punter that's just wrong, Michelle Obama, MMP, weed we can believe in
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November 4th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
This could totally be true. It’s like you were a fly on the wall. Anyways, for all the Palin, and other stuff we saw, we sure didn’t see much Michelle.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Michelle Obama or Heylia from Weeds?
November 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
/distances self from Punte
November 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Wow, it does sound a bit like Heylia.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Sorry, Barrack. Joey Porter just found his soulmate.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Fist bump, fool!
A terrorist fist jab, more like
November 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
/listens to Master P’s Pass Me the Green
November 4th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
the celebration malt liquor is currently on ice. I’m guessing St. Ide’s
/stereotypes are fun!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Punte, will you still be able to blog at Gitmo?
KSK Admin: Please expunge all my personal information from your files by 11:59 tonight, thanks.
P.S. My real name is Chris Berman.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Yeesh, somebody’s just been begging to get the first spot on a new presidential Enemies List.
You’ve got to play hard to get, Punte.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
listenin’ to Wu-Tang today (and The Clash). Bring the muthafuckin’ ruckus!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
For some reason I’ve got House of Pain’s “Jump Around” in my head
November 4th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
We hit the Northern Lights up in Alaska. You betcha! How else do you think we put up with all the snow and cold and stuff. And my smoking weed while I was pregnant is NOT why my baby is all retarded and stuff.
Vote for me in 2012!
/hits bong.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Ok, so Michelle’s intoxicant of choice is weed, and we know Cindy McCain likes the pills. What about the men? I picture John McCain angrily slurping down Scotch tonight, while Barack probably pours a vintage Zinfandel and spins Coltrane.
And the Palins, of course, freebase moose turds.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
i see poflawas are fair game
November 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I swear to God this is true:
This morning, while driving to work, there was a guy dressed all in black, holding up sign at a busy intersection that said “Free C-Murder, Vote Sassone.” She is a local judge running for re-election.
I couldn’t tell if the guy was serious (a Sassone supporter) or if was for the other candidate and was putting the stink on Sassone.
Don’t these people have jobs?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Damn it woman. My pancakes best be gettin done!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Am I the only one who finds this garbage to be incredibly offensive? I know that KSK is supposed to by “funny” and tries to “push the envelope,” but this essay is in incredibly poor taste, and goes way, way too far.
Losing your celebratin’ weed is no laughing matter. I’ve lost my celebratin’ weed on more than one occasion, so I take offense at this writer poking fun at my pain. I pray none of you ever experience a similar tragedy.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
while Barack probably pours a vintage Zinfandel and spins Coltrane.
A million magic crystals, painted pure and white
November 4th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I’ve never segregated my drug of choice by type of event. Airplane glue is good all the time.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
when did quentin tarantino join the staff?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I wonder what The Sex Cannon thinks about being a starter again and the election shit?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Mike Vick’s gettin’ out? I thought that’s what we were saving the celebratin’ weed for.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos!!!
November 4th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Next we will hear from Tawmmy I imagine… his cousin was on the Michael Baisden radio show last night complaining about all the blacks “coming out of the woodwork” to vote. And that if Mitt Romney was the Dem nom, “all those happy blacks would have stayed home”
November 4th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
After tonight’s decision, America’s supply of Kools goes from “plenty” to “scarce”.
Now who been puttin their Kools out on my floor?
November 4th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Man, that goddamn Steve Martin lookin’ muthafucka always CALLIN ME n’ shit?
Ain’t that the damn truth. Pass that spliff homey…Two pulls and pass gotdammit. Don’t let me tell yo’ ass agin.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
You know what’s shocked me the most? ALL THESE GODDAMN WHITE PEOPLE UP IN THIS MUG?
I feels ya, baby girl…I feels ya. Now bring that black booty over here while Barry seduces the white women.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Mitt Romney? Definitely a Republican.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Is it safe to say that Michelle down wid it? Also, no one with the swerve to appreciate Coltrane has ever come within 50 feet of a box of goddamn zinfindel.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I wrote in Batman for Senate.
I hope Obama Claus brings me something nice. I’ve always wanted a Heidi Klum.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Personally, I’m looking forward to the Obama’s hotboxing the Oval Office. And Air Force One.
Personally, if Barack and Michelle turned out to be straight up gangsta, I’d still vote for them. I’m digging the idea of Barack telling Putin to “FIX YO MOUF!” and appointing a Secretary of Legistlatin’ An’ Shit, Poppin Fools, Serving (as in “You Got Served”), Malt Liquor and Weed Gettin’, and Keepin’ It Real.
November 4th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I have read KSK since its inception. I can say, without a doubt, that this is the funniest thing you guys have ever produced. Well played, sirs. Well played.
Now go eatabagadicks.
November 4th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
How about Cindy McCain’s “Touch my pills and I will proverbially strangle a…what is it that they say…female dog? Oh, gosh darn it – let’s light up your so-called blunt, Michelle. Just please don’t carbomb me, spawn of Allah!
November 4th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
I’m all for the redistribution of weed….just stay the fuck outta mine!
November 4th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
A multi-million dollars, almost overnight….
November 4th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
When did Barack marry Condy?
November 5th, 2008 at 4:57 am
When you share the weed, you get much higher.
/damn my communist roots.
November 5th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I got my drink and my 2 step
My drink and my 2 step
I got my drink and my 2 step
My drink and my 2 step
And it’s on, it’s on, it’s on, it’s on
November 5th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
FIX YO BONG!
January 2nd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Great post, thanks for the info… last part makes the most sense though