What the fuck you lookin’ at, fool! I see you eyein’ my celebration weed over there! You best be wise and keep off that shit. That’s for TO-NITE! For da vic’try party! We gonna git down! I got my crunk and my weeeeeed and my Henneseeeeeeey and my–

[cell phone rings]

…shit, hang on.

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama, how may I be of serv…Aw, shit, Oprah! You damn near scare me outta ma skin, girl! Thought you was CNN! Lemme call ya back.

So what was I sayin? Yeah, so I’m glad this shit’s FINALLY over, knowutI’m sayin? ‘Cuz if I shake hands with one more nigga I AM GONNA CHOKE A BITCH! And why the fuck are they always followin’ us around? Don’t they have JOBS n’shit? Hey, yo free health care is coming! Obama Claus is coming to yo town! Now git yo ass outta my face! And don’t you fools be touchin’ my weed, cuz that shit’s fo–

[cell phone rings again] Muthafucka what the shit? Again?

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Anderson, it’s very nice to hear from you…I’d love to do that, but actually, I’m unavailable tomorrow morning…4 o’clock then?…Terrific. I’ll let Barry know…I’m looking forward to it as well…Haha, yes, let’s hope so…bye bye now.

Man, that goddamn Steve Martin lookin’ muthafucka always CALLIN ME n’ shit? Bein’ all “I’d love to sit down with you and…” Nigga, sit y’ass down YO’SELF. What was I talkin’ bout? Oh yeah.

So damn, fool! You know what’s shocked me the most? ALL THESE GODDAMN WHITE PEOPLE UP IN THIS MUG? Y’all know what Gitmo is right? That’s where we’re putting all the white people. The crackers had their shot at fucking shit up. NOW IT’S OUR TURN! Whoooooose house? Ruuuuuun’s House! Fist bump, fool!

You can hang though. You cool. But you ain’t gettin’ none’my weed. We ain’t just handin’ shit out up in this mug. Git ya’own shit. Punk ass fool.