BUY OUR F—KING PICKUP TRUCK!
Hey, you! Football fan! You look the kind of pureblood American that needs a fucking TRUCK! You look like the kind of guy that eats drill bits for breakfast and shits out hot rivets! You look like the kind of guy that spends his day covered in hot axel grease and likes to bang his wife without showering! You look like the kind of ideal, hard-working American that doesn’t actually exist!
Well, we’ve got a fucking pickup truck for you! And not just any truck, but the biggest fucking truck on Earth!
We took a 567,894 horsepower space shuttle engine and jammed it right into this thing’s assbasket. It’s got over 90,000 tons of towing capacity. You could tow fucking Mt. Ranier with this truck. Why? BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT. It’s also got over 45,000 pounds of torque. TOOOOORQUE! What’s that mean? We don’t know, but it sounds fucking BAD ASS.
This ain’t your daddy’s pickup truck. Your daddy is a fucking gash. This truck’s got a ground clearance of over fifteen feet. You could drive right over the Empire State Building, and its antennae wouldn’t even tickle this truck’s taint. It’s got seating for over 35 people. Because you fuck a lot. And when you fuck a lot, you make lots of hard-working little fuckbabies. And this is the right truck for making fuckbabies in.
It’s got over 20,000 square feet of surface area in its flatbed. Because we bet you spend most of your day hauling concrete pillars around. We bet you like to throw a flagpole in the back of this puppy, crack open a beer, and then sit on the tailgate looking out onto the open prairie with a determined grimace on your face. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW YOU FUCKING ROLL IN IOWA. It gets .02 miles to the gallon. And you know why? BECAUSE SAVING MONEY ON GAS IS FOR COMMIE FAGGOTS.
We tested this truck, God dammit. We swung massive steel beams at it at precisely timed intervals. We dropped it from a blimp. We drove it really fucking fast over a salt flat and shot the footage from a helicopter, because that looks awesome on camera. We drove it down a boulder-laden shoreline. ROAR, BITCH!
Because you work hard. We bet you work over 78 hours a day. We bet you mine for copper using only your cock! We bet you end your day, when the whistle blows, by getting off the top of a dinosaur and sliding down his tail so you can drive home with Barney fucking Rubble! That’s why you need this truck. BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE TO FUCK AROUND.
So don’t listen to your wife about buying some pansy-ass station wagon. She’s a bitch who deserves a good, hard assfucking. By you! BUY OUR FUCKING TRUCK! WE OVERSTOCKED AND NOW WE HAD TO HIRE DENIS LEARY TO TRY AND SELL OFF AS MANY OF THESE GIANT FUCKING ALBATROSSES AS WE CAN!
(truck logo on some sort of steel plaque falls to ground)
TRUUUUUCK!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, canyonerrrrro, LOOK AT MY STRIPED SHIRT!, POWERTHIRST IN YOUR CUP HOLDER, the sex cannon's preferred pickup, too much fucking pickup truck ads during the Vikes game
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
November 10th, 2008 at 10:15 am
just make sure you don’t buy the “Fucking Pickup Truck – F”, because that one is for the ladies.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:17 am
TV needs adblock ten minutes ago.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:18 am
This is ouuuur counnnntrrrryyyy
November 10th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I suppose saying ‘Simpsons did it’ is redunant with the Canyonero tag.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Good stuff, Drew. Ever thought about a career in advertising?
November 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am
unexplained fires are a matter for the courts Cayonerrroooooooo
November 10th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Couldn’t watch the Vikes game, me and my 55 year-old male freinds went kayaking, biking, and deep-sea fishing. Funny, this one guy kept having to go to the bathroom…
November 10th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Amen. Is every month fucking Chevy Truck month now, or what?
November 10th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Canyonero tag was good, “too many truck commercials during the vikes game” explained things a little better.
But seriously, if I could afford it, I’d drive this thing. What are you gonna do, drive a queer ass hybrid?
November 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
You forgot the part where they drop 60 tons of lumber from 50 feet up into the bed.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Is the backseat big enough to perform an abortion in?
November 10th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Appreciated the piece, but then again, it might’ve been even better had it included a subtle hint or two about pollution-related things. “It destroys a a square-mile of rainforest and two indigenous tribes each time you start it up! Each fucking time!” or the like.. Oh, and sorry about the units, I’m european. No clue what a square-mile is.
Love the site, you bitches are completely international, even if you don’t realize it yourselves. Or want to.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:28 am
We bet you mine for copper using only your cock! = awesome.
The Canyonero was the first thing I thought of as soon a I saw this and thought I’d be all witty, until I saw the tag and comments. I’m lame.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I’ve actually been thinking of buying a Toyota. If only there were someway to know what type of financing they offer…
November 10th, 2008 at 10:29 am
You would assume that with the American car industry in the shitter, that they would try to stop burning through money with these shitty ads…but I guess they know better than the rest of us.
/buy my product
November 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am
NOW WITH MORE MOLECULES.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:35 am
@ Jackin
They know that no matter how much money they blow, our government will still bail them out when the time is needed….YEAH BIG GOVERNMENT!
/AMERICA…FUCK YEAH!
November 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
So after buying this super-American, all-balls-and-cock truck, I should use it to tailgate at the stadium with my 50-great looking friends (including the supermodels in tight football t-shirts); cook all-American meats and drink the cold-activated, frost-brewed, full-of-drinkability beers that every coach, player, and beer commissioner supports because they have no carbs, no chance of getting me fat and guarantee a threesome every time…for which, I better have that little pill.
You know, for when the moment’s right.
Then on Monday, I can turn on the news, find out what I missed in my drunken, debauched stupor and call up those credit counceling services that can assure me I can live in my home, keep my badass truck and not end up a hobo drinking toilet wine.
As Don King says “ONNNLY IN AMEEERICA!!”
November 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Is the front a photo-shopped HMMWV ? (Hummer for you civ types).
November 10th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Note: NO FUCKING POFLAWAS, DAMMIT
November 10th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Outstanding, and long overdue
November 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am
at least you got to see the vikings game. i got to see the jets murder the rams in its entirety, then got to see the final seconds of the seahawks losing to the dolphins, then got to see the last minute of the falcons game. then fox went to the studio where curt menafee told me that the vikings game wasnt over, but they would keep me posted.
on the plus side, the jets d essentially won my fantasy week again.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Can I drive it underwater to my secret island lair?
November 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am
BTW, BDD, does that truck come with laser-guided, mounted Stinger missiles? Cause only the most American of trucks would guarantee that it had the “Ahnold in 1980s Action Movies” add-on package?
Let that pussy Brit Bond deal out oil slicks.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:00 am
this truck makes me want body spray and chunky soup
November 10th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Chevy may have been “like a rock”, but this truck is like a rock…..hard cock!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Inspiration: Truck commercials, Canyonero, Powerthirst, and Eli Manning’s Imagination when he rolls his toy trucks over his sofa.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:01 am
“Is the front a photo-shopped HMMWV ? (Hummer for you civ types).”
This baby’s an International CXT:
http://www.seriouswheels.com/pics-2005/2005-International-CXT-FA-Rocks-1024×768.jpg
November 10th, 2008 at 11:01 am
“It’s got over 20,000 square feet of surface area in its flatbed” BDD
We need to get Drew out of the city. The flyover portion of his audience is laughing at his truck ignorance.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:06 am
If that truck had 20,000 square feet of surface area in it’s bed, I’d park that bitch and build an apartment complex in the bed. I’d make a killing.
/unemployed, badly needs money, possibly weeks away from living in my own car.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
I can live with the truck ads.
those fucking garmin ads are going to be the next ear-rapers
November 10th, 2008 at 11:09 am
The flyover portion of his audience is laughing at his truck ignorance.
The flyover portion of my audience also apparently takes every joke literally.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Wow, did this post bring the dipshits out of the woodwork or what?
November 10th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Someone call the Picnicface crew and tell them to get to putting this text to video ASAP or I’ll crush Halifax with this truck.
/Powerthirst’d
November 10th, 2008 at 11:20 am
The flyover portion of your audience only gets 2 hours of internet a week at the home.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Where’s mah gun rack so ah can go huntin’ and shootin’ and fishin’ and killin’ of those maggots who’s tryin’ ta take mah factory job?
/flyover Joe
November 10th, 2008 at 11:26 am
My throat hurts–I read almost the entirety of this to my wife using the Powerthirst voice. The upside: my wife keeps saying “you mine for copper using only your cock!” I’ve been trying years to get her to say this.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I just realized 2 things:
I am a closet COMMIE FAGGOT
People from Iowa roll.
What’s next a black fella in the white house?
November 10th, 2008 at 11:36 am
You forgot about the tactical nuclear weapon. That’s the “America Fuck Yeah Package” package.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp: Yes, only the most American of trucks would have an add-on package named after an Austrian immigrant.
/How do you elect a man for governor who can’t enunciate? Ask California!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Is anyone else excited about the Jets vs Patriots game on NFL network this Thursday? The one where they put the word HERO up in the ad, and then follow it up with a picture of BRETT FUCKING FAVRE?!!!
He’s a HERO now? For whining his way off his team? Fucking die NFL Network.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
This is the kind of truck FAVRE would buy. And he’d install lawnmower blades underneath it!
November 10th, 2008 at 11:45 am
@SSB, and a snow plow on the front
November 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
okay, you convinced me. Where do I sign for this thing? I’ll sign blind, I don’t care how much it costs.
You would make the most bad-ass commercials in history. I demand you do every Superbowl commercial from now on.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
if bill hicks was alive to see dennis leary doing truck commericals, he’d probably stab him in the fucking throat
November 10th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I didn’t mean to write “package” twice. Or did I? Hmmmm… the power of advertising.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
JAFO wants dyno papers on that 500,000+ HP rating. Then he will consider financing.
/fuckin HATES truck commericals
//Drew+Powerthirst guy= UBER advertising.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I say Dennis Leary is the biggest Massadouchian of all time.
November 10th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
LMAO @ “Your daddy is a fucking gash.”
Were the parts on this truck outsourced?
November 10th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I’m only buying one if you have people “test” it in shirts that say manly shit like “Military”, “Cowboy”, “Firefighter”, or “Contractor”, although I suppose since I work in an office I’m automatically not manly enough to drive one.
That truck would punch me in the face for getting too close, sally ass office worker…
November 10th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Just wait until Budweiser debuts the new “Maximum Bud” spots during the Super Bowl. Only homos care about calories. Each tall, frosty bottle of “Maximum Bud” has 5,000 calories (and 25 grams of fat). For the man who knows it’s not the size of the gut hanging over the belt, it’s the size of the penis underneath that counts.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
@Monkey Biz: I have an extra bedroom for you.
And hey, if you own a construction company, and need to haul around a backhoe or some shit, what other truck would you buy? This, or a GMC Topkick.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
What the hell just happened?
November 10th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
“Powerful like a gorilla yet soft and yielding like a Nerf Ball.”
If you buy the Optional NFL Rally Sport Fun Pack, you’ll also get boner bills, drinkable beer, manly canned soup (it’s NOT a soup for pussies) and men’s hair dye that leaves you with a touch of steely-gray. Buy it! You’re not a pussy, are you?
November 10th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
All you need is a joke about kids with autism faking it and you’ve got yourself a great… no, the greatest ad campaign ever.
November 10th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
On some level, I’m relieved that Hicks is dead. He might have snapped at some point and done this ad work instead. You know, after the IRS greased him up.
As for the truck in question, my favorite thing about it is that it’s also Internet-connected. Because what we really need is rednecks rubbing one out while barreling down the highway in this Project Much Machine…
November 10th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
This ad will make Toby Keith feel like a Le Car-driving French homosexual accountant who can somehow vote Democrat. The thought will be too much to bear, so he’ll drive his inadequate Ford F150 off the side of a bridge while “Brokeback Mountain” plays on the dashboard DVD player.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
The Fixx is for pussies.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
“Do what you say/Say what you mean/ One thing leads to another.”
The Fixx is for English pussies.
November 10th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
After reading this, I have this nagging feeling that BDD pays some guy $40 to change the oil in his Dodge Stratus.
November 10th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
But will Truck leave you SAVED BY ZERO?
November 10th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
i hope the truck comes in MANANA and/or GUN flavors.
/bear-blasted!
November 10th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
@Rocco
or a fucking dumptruck, smartass
November 10th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I was thinking that this was a fucking awesome post. Then I got to this line:
“We bet you mine for copper using only your cock!”
And it was officially the best fucking post.
Hilarious, in every conceivable way. Also…to all of you that see this and choose instead to drive a hybrid or a compact, this thing will run you off the road causing a fiery crash and then drive to your house and fuck your wife, because you aren’t man enough to satisfy her.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
@Ben
It took you until this post to figure that out about BDD? Have you not been paying attention this whole time?
November 10th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
about the intro paragraph:
“axel grease”?
is that what axel rose has roadies/groupies use to give him handjobs?
November 11th, 2008 at 12:13 am
@MotherTrucker:
I’ve been trying to avoid the truth. Trying, I tells ye!
November 11th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Was I the only one that got Mamacita’s reference to Idiocracy?
Carl’s Jr.’s EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES
NOW WITH MORE…MOLECULES
November 12th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Who needs bad business management when the government will just take our money (which the companies are taking in the first place from sales) and give it to them (again) as an incentive to keep making more bad business decisions?
Our economic system is built on the principle of cannibalism.
Fork’n'Spoon, indeed.