Marge Klindera worked the Butterball Hotline for more than 25 years, helping harried housewives put together the best Turkey Day presentation possible. With Marge getting on in years, we’ve decided to enlist the services of the Broncos advice-giving QB to help with your holiday queries. Go ahead, Jay.

Oh, for love and misery, I just didn’t plan accordingly for the gosh darn holiday. I had this huge bird and not enough room to jam it into my freezer. Trying to think on my feet, I shoved the thing into a snow bank to store overnight and cook the next day. ‘Course, when I get up the next morning, a new blanket of snow had fallen and I can’t find where I put the stupid turkey. What can I do and is the thing even safe to eat if I do find it? I’m at my wit’s end.

Heather, Fort Collins

Ha. You’re dumb. But if you’re desperate, just do what Brandon Marshall does: Get McDonalds to make you a really huge McNugget. He’s a Nuggnuts, just like the ad. You seen it? Whatever, I don’t care.

So I’m stuffing the turkey while nearby my son and my sister’s kid were horsing around with some Hot Wheels cars or whatever. The hubby called me into the next room just before I stuck the thing in the oven. Hours later, when I took it out, I find there’s a melted toy car stuck right inside the bird. I know it was Bonnie’s kid. She has no idea how to parent. I asked her to host the goddamn holiday this year, but of course she told me her house isn’t in order. Like it ever is.

Sandra, Tulsa

Ha. Your family is dumb. Was it a Hazmat Hot Wheels? If not, it probably wasn’t carrying any dangerous materials. Safe to eat. Or not. I don’t know. Are we done?

Ok, so I know white people only eat pumpkin pie and black people only eat sweet potato pie, but my shitferbrains cousin Henry married one of those Obama-mixed race people and is bringing her over. Do I have to make a special sweet pumptato pie for her. Should I hide the silverware, too?

Kerry, Nashville

I grew in Santa Claus, Indiana, so I never met a black person until I signed with the Broncos. Brandon says they don’t have pumpkin or sweet potato at McDonalds, so you should go with the apple.

What type of shit do I feed to a family of Cutlerfuckers, you Cutlerfucker. I think possum shit would be good, but it’s so hard to find around these parts. Ibex shit, maybe? DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE, ASSHOLE. 6-5 DOESN’T GUARANTEE YOU SHIT, BILL GATES THE QUARTERBACK. THERE’S STILL TIME FOR A LATE SEASON RUN. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED WILL PREVAIL. FUCK YOU.

Laserface, San Diego

Why don’t you shut up, Rivers. You…you…Shut up! I beat you already! Nothing wrong with my haircut. Maybe you got stupid hair, you STUPID HAIR! I HATE YOU!