Ask Jay Cutler: Butterball Hotline Edition
Marge Klindera worked the Butterball Hotline for more than 25 years, helping harried housewives put together the best Turkey Day presentation possible. With Marge getting on in years, we’ve decided to enlist the services of the Broncos advice-giving QB to help with your holiday queries. Go ahead, Jay.
Oh, for love and misery, I just didn’t plan accordingly for the gosh darn holiday. I had this huge bird and not enough room to jam it into my freezer. Trying to think on my feet, I shoved the thing into a snow bank to store overnight and cook the next day. ‘Course, when I get up the next morning, a new blanket of snow had fallen and I can’t find where I put the stupid turkey. What can I do and is the thing even safe to eat if I do find it? I’m at my wit’s end.
Heather, Fort Collins
Ha. You’re dumb. But if you’re desperate, just do what Brandon Marshall does: Get McDonalds to make you a really huge McNugget. He’s a Nuggnuts, just like the ad. You seen it? Whatever, I don’t care.
So I’m stuffing the turkey while nearby my son and my sister’s kid were horsing around with some Hot Wheels cars or whatever. The hubby called me into the next room just before I stuck the thing in the oven. Hours later, when I took it out, I find there’s a melted toy car stuck right inside the bird. I know it was Bonnie’s kid. She has no idea how to parent. I asked her to host the goddamn holiday this year, but of course she told me her house isn’t in order. Like it ever is.
Sandra, Tulsa
Ha. Your family is dumb. Was it a Hazmat Hot Wheels? If not, it probably wasn’t carrying any dangerous materials. Safe to eat. Or not. I don’t know. Are we done?
Ok, so I know white people only eat pumpkin pie and black people only eat sweet potato pie, but my shitferbrains cousin Henry married one of those Obama-mixed race people and is bringing her over. Do I have to make a special sweet pumptato pie for her. Should I hide the silverware, too?
Kerry, Nashville
I grew in Santa Claus, Indiana, so I never met a black person until I signed with the Broncos. Brandon says they don’t have pumpkin or sweet potato at McDonalds, so you should go with the apple.
What type of shit do I feed to a family of Cutlerfuckers, you Cutlerfucker. I think possum shit would be good, but it’s so hard to find around these parts. Ibex shit, maybe? DON’T GET TOO COMFORTABLE, ASSHOLE. 6-5 DOESN’T GUARANTEE YOU SHIT, BILL GATES THE QUARTERBACK. THERE’S STILL TIME FOR A LATE SEASON RUN. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED WILL PREVAIL. FUCK YOU.
Laserface, San Diego
Why don’t you shut up, Rivers. You…you…Shut up! I beat you already! Nothing wrong with my haircut. Maybe you got stupid hair, you STUPID HAIR! I HATE YOU!
Tags: ask jay cutler, butterball hotline oddly doesn't involve andy reid, xmas ape
November 25th, 2008 at 11:31 am
sweet pumptatos sound even better than tomaccos
November 25th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Yo Jay….eat some sugar
November 25th, 2008 at 11:39 am
“KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED WILL PREVAIL. FUCK YOU.”
That doesn’t sound like Laserface. He didn’t say “You betta ask somebodayyyyyyyy!”
/asinine critique
November 25th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Well, it’s not like he can throw ink on a piece of paper open, after which he can inform the man to ask somebodayyyyyyyy.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Mmmmm, pie.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:45 am
/phoneline flies open
ya betta call somebodayyyyyyyy!
November 25th, 2008 at 11:45 am
If black people only eat sweet potato pie, consider me D’Brickashaw Ferguson
November 25th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Fuck you Jay Cutler, for not being able to beat the piece of shit Raiders and getting me bounced from the KSK Suicide Pool this week. You look like Eugene Mirman.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:54 am
What kind of pies do black wannabees like Ben Rongrastname eat?
November 25th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I have actually stopped for lunch in Santa Claus, Indiana before….that town is about as awesome as one would expect!!!
November 25th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I did notice more than ever Sunday night that Rivers’ passes stay in the air for fuckin ever! If you did a drinking game where you had to chug as long as the ball was in the air you’d be toasted crisp!
November 25th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Sweet potato pie is the funk, white people. This is Obama’s America; you best get down wit da get down. More to the point, your food is generally terrible — must you put mayonnaise in everything and what the fuck is jello mold anyway? Maybe if you ate better you wouldn’t be so angry and your penises would be larger.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
@Tracer
Remind me who the best black quarterback in Obama’s America is, then give me back my silverware.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Sweet potato is definitely the most sensuous of the holiday pies.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I call shenanigans!
It’s been 60+ degrees here, there ain’t no snowbanks to be found anywhere along the Front Range. Except for Shanny’s cold, evil heart.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Sweet potato pie is definitely the way to on Thanksgiving. And this is coming from someone who think Biz Markie’s making his comeback soon!
November 25th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
We love us some closet racism in Nashville.
Also plastic plates and silverware are the way to go. Just throw everything away. Don’t have to worry about finding a metal fork jammed in the disposal.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
pecan pie is the shit, that is all
November 25th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
@Tracer- They let you comment from jail?
November 25th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
jay cutler wants to do a wind tunnel with marge
November 25th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Amen, UU. Especially the way my momma makes it, with the pecans all chopped and diced and crispy on top. Too bad I’ve boycotted Thanksgiving for the last 10 years (and counting!)
/makes turkey sandwich, chugs vodka tonic
November 25th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
@ Favre: What’d I say? OBAMA’S AMERICA, son. Full pardons for all the brothers. BTW, you might want to have all your white women shaved and lubed now. It’ll make things easier for everybody. Or not. Some of the fellas like a challenge, if you know what I mean. Not my personal cup of tea, but Jerramy’s gotta get his rocks off somehow.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
@tracer: Don’t worry, we’ve all stocked up on ammo. Hunting season, after all.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Oh, and by Obama’s America, you mean a half white/half black guy’s America? I thought you didn’t like those halfies.
November 25th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I work hard for my living
I don’t celebrate bullshit Thanksgiving
Sit up like some fool and eat turkey?
That’s the day your forefathers jerked me
- the best thing Ice-T ever said
November 25th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Pfft. If, as the law once decreed, one drop of black blood makes a person black, Obama is damn near black as the ace of spades. Ya’ll didn’t want to claim him until he won, so now he’s ours. Suck it, whitey.
As for guns, have you met my man Tank Johnson? He got guns for your ass. Tank’s been playing with a .38 taped to his shoulder pads since he was 9.
Really, this is a good thing. Your food will get better, your clothes will get funkier, your music will get . . . less obviously terrible. If Obama wins a second term, and you behave yourselves, we might even teach you how to clap on the beat.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I (and all the fat people in Wisconsin) will be eating pumpkin cheesecake with a gingersnap crust.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
One day, I’m having ribs for Thanksgiving. Fuck turkey. I may have to wait until after my mother and my aunt die.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Sweet Potatoes…(The following is a true story…ad infinitum)
Cut to: THANKSGIVING @ MOM’S HOUSE (She can’t travel – eyes)
Mom: Would you like some sweet potatoes?
Me: No thanks mom, I don’t like sweet potatoes.
Mom: I thought you liked sweet potatoes?
Me: No mom, never have. (Please note, I am older than 35)
Mom: Well why don’t you try just a spoonful?
Me: (sigh) Ok mom, just a spoonful.
PLOP.
CHRISTMAS:
Mom: Would you like some sweet potatoes?
Me: (sigh)
November 25th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I’m loving this open racial banter. Especially the part about clapping on the beat. I’m sure we’ve all seen that wedding reception footage where a few people look like they were dropped in from Mars and have never heard Earth music before. You know who I’m talking about. If you don’t know, then I’m talking about you.
And Kerry from Nashville is going to cook the Sweet Pumptato pie with a 1/5 of Beam just to spice things up a bit.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
sweet potato pie is nice and all, but you want some sweet potato souffle with dinner, then, as UU says, pecan pie for afters.
November 25th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Come on, everyone knows black people eat Fried Chicken Pie. Also, pumpkin pie is fucking disgusting.
I wish Marmalard played on Thursday, so we could have a picture of him floating a turkey. (in a non-scat sort of way)
November 25th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
You call that rap shit music? Hmm.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Andy Reid gave up on the butterball hotline a couple of years ago upon realizing that they don’t sell actual spherical lumps of butter.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I can find plenty of good hip-hop — nobody blows up the stage like The Roots. Defend that tweener/boy band shit.
November 25th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
@ davesignal – He could have written “ya betta read somebodddaaaaay”
Thinking outside the box my friend thinking outside the box
November 25th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Biscuits!
November 25th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
pumpkin (butternut squash acceptable substitute) soup for appetizer, yams/sweet potatoes for dinner, pecan pie and cake for dessert. do i have to do everything around here?
/suddenly trying to develop perfect Fried Chicken Pie recipe.
November 27th, 2008 at 10:19 am
CLASSIC