Always Be Covering: Where Covering Is Now Optional
Welcome to another edition of Always Be Covering, the internet’s worst gambling advice column. Hopefully you’ve gathered by now that KSK isn’t in the “information” business. See what separates us from other gambling advice columns is that other gambling advice columns are gambling advice columns. Sure, sometimes my picks will be absolutely perfect, but then there are occasions like last week where I managed to go a staggering 0 for 7, which is kind of perfect in it’s own imperfect way. Regardless, I feel bad that I may have steered some of you in the wrong direction last week, so I’ll make my amends after the jump.
Before we get to the picks of the week, here’s one sexy Florida based cheerleader for each of the seven games I butchered last week…
Hopefully now we can all move on and enjoy another perfect week of picks. In order to ensure this, I’m putting all of my eggs in Peyton Manning’s bursa sac in what is surely the tastiest line of the weekend.
Indianapolis +3 at San Diego
Really? Yeah, I’ll fuck with that. Both teams have been crap against the spread, but at least the Colts are, you know, playing well and shit. Peyton finally looks healthy and Marvin Harrison might not be turning into football’s version of post-2002 Bernie Williams after all. Huzzah! Try not to be overly influenced by San Diego’s vaunted home field advantage or Marmalard’s epic arm strength (flooooat!), because the Chargers are one big bowl of suck. Rivers has tossed four interceptions in the past two games after throwing just four in the season’s first six weeks.
Okay fine, I don’t really know why the fuck I’m bothering with these retarded statistics, none of it fucking matters, no matter what your fancy record may indicate. What we know is that lines are based on how people will bet, and in general people are fucking stupid, especially the ones betting on football every week. So when in doubt I’m just going to put all of my money on the better team playing better football against a team coached by Norv Turner. I don’t need to follow some weak-ass scientific method to know how this is going to turn out. The Colts will probably make the spread moot by stomping the Chargers.
But what if they don’t? Well then you can expect some serious sexiness in this space next week, followed by my pleas for a quick cash loan.
Seriously though, can I borrow some money? It’s not like you need it, I mean how many copies of Men With Balls can one shut-in possibly read? Hey, you know what? I happen to have a few extra copies lying around. Maybe you’d like to purchase them from me directly for cents on the dollar. Sure they don’t have any “covers” on them, but shit, I need the money and you need to know how various athletes fuck. And hey, one of them is even autographed! Unfortunately it’s Drew’s signature instead of somebody, you know, important.
Tags: Always Be Covering, Cheerleaders, degenerate behavior, Gambling, sexy friday, Unsilent Majority
November 21st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I hope Bill Simmons gets raped by Isiah Thomas…and not in the fun, kinky rape way.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:17 pm
@ Dolphins Cheerleader
Id love to drive my Cadillac through her twin cities! COMINAYEAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
November 21st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
sonofabitch, I realized about half a click too late that NSFW meansnot suitable for work . . . ah well, it was a good job while it lasted
November 21st, 2008 at 1:24 pm
So the whole thing about a playboy playmate exposing herself and the bestbosoms.com url didn’t at least give you a hint?
Well played.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Exhibit A, left hand side, is doing jorts/daisy dukes the right way.
Exhibit B, the pile-of-shit on the right, not only gives jorts a bad name, but also is doing it wrong.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Thanks for getting Sexy Friday off to a rousing stahht. Cheerleader #3’s boobs could serve as my very own personal flotation devices.
Sweet.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
So that’s the bad news. The good news is that we can keep profiting from home-field disadvantage during those first 11-12 weeks before Vegas finally catches on. And they haven’t. At least not yet.
(Wait a second, why did I write about this again?)
I’M TOO SMAHT FAR MY OWN GOOD!
November 21st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
the cheerleader (#6) wearing the girl scout costume is so wrong and yet so very right at the same time.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:58 pm
perfect in it’s own imperfect way
Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Island, where nothing can possiblay go wrong!
November 21st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I’M TOO SMAHT FAR MY OWN GOOD!
Someday I hope he lets us on to his secret about how he had a losing record against the spread last year. I mean, seriously, just flip a coin!
November 21st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
@ UU
I actually think it’s very right.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:26 pm
@310, and very tight
November 21st, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I’M TOO SMAHT FAR MY OWN GOOD!
Needs more post-nasal drip.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:43 pm
This week I’m taking Houston (+3), Buffalo (-3), Minnesota (+2.5), Denver (-9.5), Washington (-3.5), and the New York Giants (-3).
November 21st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Island, where nothing can possiblay go wrong!
+1
November 21st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I would like to ookie that cookie girl.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:55 pm
OK - a Jew is asking for money. Is this some sort of genius self depracating comedy routine?
Besides, it costs a lot to keep this basement heated.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I thought all the girls in San Diego were good looking…
November 21st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I just assumed Drew was signing Frank Caliendo’s name on all those books.
November 21st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
that reference to marmalard’s Flooaat made me think of the clown from Stephen King’s It. Isn’t that what tim curry creepily spoke to the boys?
Now I’m going to hear that voice every time I see a marmalard punt…i mean, deep pass.
November 21st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
That is crazy enough it just might work, I at first thought these teams were equal but I forgot one of them was coached by Turner. I am guessing his players might be tanking just to get him fired.
November 21st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
The one on the right, with the beads: Yes.
In a slumpbuster sort of way.
November 21st, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I would spank #7 until she stopped giggling. And since I’d be rubbing a feather against that wickedly awesome body, that would take a long, long time.
November 21st, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I especially love Simmons’ braindead analysis of homegames against the spread.
Ofcourse, the whole IDEA of the spread is that, ideally (for Vegas), the games wind up .500 over the course of a season, or the course of multiple seasons. That way nobody has any fucking idea what to bet on, which is why Vegas makes money.
Since 1999, home teams are 50 games under .500 against the spread! That’s over the course of 1150 or so games. In other words, a 4% difference. (or technically, I guess, 2%, since it’s just 25 games that would have had to go WITH the spread to get back to .500).
I’d say that Vegas is fucking BRILLIANT in setting the spread. And I’d leave all the nonsensical blabbering about SOTA stadiums in the trash.
November 21st, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Simmons hates Vegas. Vegas doesn’t much care for Simmons, either.
What the f#@^ does that have to do with Dolphin leg kick girl?
November 22nd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
If you take one lock, take the miracle cocktaco-providing Titans to cover yet again. Can you imagine how many people are pouring money against them each week waiting for that first loss?
And Bill Simmons cracks me up. Want to be the greatest sports gambler ever, Bill?
November 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Ah, Kendra Wilkinson. Enjoy your 15 minutes, honey, because once ol’ Hank is done your uterus will be hanging out between your legs.