Your Friendly Weekly Reminder: MICHAEL IRVIN IS AN ATTEMPTED MURDERER
You know, this is a fast-moving news world we live in. Stories come and go in a relative flash. And that’s not always a good thing, because sometimes we forget the important things. So we at KSK would like to take a little bit of time out each week to remind you, dear reader, THAT MICHAEL IRVIN ONCE STABBED A GUY IN THE FUCKING NECK WITH A FUCKING PAIR OF SCISSORS.
I think it’s important that we never lose sight of that fact. Because, again, HE STABBED A MAN IN THE FUCKING NECK. Now, perhaps you too have quibbled with a teammate in the past. Maybe you’ve quarreled over playing time, or maybe you had a dispute over a lady, or maybe you just plain didn’t like each other. It happens. Sometimes, you get fired up and say things you regret, or you get into a shoving match.
That’s understandable. It’s happened to all of us at one point in our lives. But you know what isn’t understandable? Taking a pair of fucking scissors and then plunging them into the throat of someone, barely missing their carotid artery and causing them to bleed uncontrollably. ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO GET YOUR FUCKING HAIR CUT FIRST. I would say that’s going a bit overboard. Even Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber, doesn’t condone such actions.
Just something to keep in mind as you go about your daily business. Remember: he’s not the Playmaker. He’s the AttemptedMurderer.
Tags: michael irvin is an attempted murderer, NICE SUIT ASSHOLE, your weekly Irvin reminder
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October 9th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Theodoric of York
That is some old school SNL.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Emmit Smiff would like to corroborate with you for a monet. Michael Irvings is not an accented burglar. He is my fiend.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Yeah, but he was an above average receiver with flare!
October 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
flair.
fuck.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Everyone needs a good bleeding once in a while.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:13 am
To be fair, if he didn’t stab the guy he would’ve had to wait for a haircut and we all know how tiresome that can be what with only old magazines to read and no drugs or women available.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:21 am
If Medieval Barber is anything like Marion Barber, he has no use for haircuts. MB3 just stabs people in the neck for the fun of it.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:31 am
If it bleeds, we can kill it.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:32 am
That was even worse than when Daryl Johnston was at the Festival of the Vernal Equinox, had too much mead, and darted out in front of an oxcart.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Drivin that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you’d better watch out because Michael Irvin’s high too and will stab you in the fucking neck for bing in his boxcar
/hates the grateful dead
//loves mastodon
October 9th, 2008 at 11:37 am
SENORITY!
October 9th, 2008 at 11:38 am
and Laura Bush killed a guy. Yes, that’s right Laura Bush killed a guy.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:54 am
He deserves to be in jail for life just for that jacket & tie.
/eyes crossing
October 9th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Did you forget that Irvin was on trial because he got caught in a hotel room with prostitutes and cocaine? Stabbing a guy in the neck isn’t that far from that!
Hell, between Irvin, Charles Haley and Nate Newton, I’m ready to believe anything you tell me those 90s Cowboys did.
Emmit Smith banged 20 Cheerleaders? I’d buy it.
Troy Aikman ran a drug syndicate? No surprise.
Moose Johnston found the cure for the common cold? Possible.
Barry Switzer fellated the ole Double J to get that job? Yep.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
“When was the last time you came in for a worming?”
October 9th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Now what did Michael Irvin ever do to you Drew? I mean did he ever cause you any emotional and/or physical pain? I just think we need to put this behind us and move forward. You know what I’m saying? Just close this chapter in our lives and keep moving forward so we can get this behind us. That’s what he’s doing so I think we should follow suit.
Did you know that your google ads are trying to teach me how to be a barber? SWEET!
October 9th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
He yelled “Seniority! Seniority!”? That’s gay. Every time I stab someone in the neck with scissors, I just do it with no warning. You need to just get to stabbing.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
If Bob Saget sucked dicked for coke then what’s wrong with Irvin stabbing a guy with a pair of scissors for a haircut while geeked up? It happens all the time…right?
October 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
It’s the ad for “Irvine Men’s Hairstylist” that caught my attention. Wonder how much Metro for Men owes Google for that placement.
Those Google fuckers are some mighty fine advertising whores, aren’t they?
October 9th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I’d also like to take some time to remind everyone that LEONARD LITTLE KILLED A PERSON WHILE DRIVING HIS CAR DRUNK.
So yeah, attempted murder still rates lower on the scale than manslaughter.
Burn, bastard
October 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Don’t forget that Everett McIver was almost finished with his haircut. It wasn’t like they shoved each other to get into the seat, the barber had already started on McIver’s head. I would take a fucking scissor to the neck any day at the barber, as long as my fucking ‘do looks tight.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Hey Travis Henry’s Dunsty Rubbers,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzsRddk_cb0
October 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Michael Irvin is now in the Tyson Zone!
October 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
/hopes that, in a couple years, when Mark Sanchez is drafted 3 rounds too high by some horribly managed NFL team, KSK does a spin-off series of “Mark Sanchez is a rapist” posts
October 9th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Why so surprised at the Playmaker’s lapse in logic? Tom Jackson’s already tried to tell us the man’s retarded. Apparently Mike’s suit is also trying to convey that message.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Come on, Lenny didn’t mean it!
October 9th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
@ bill simmons – he was just trying to kill a guy, happens all the time. irvin didn’t bite anyone’s ear off. that would be weird.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I did kill a guy. He had it coming. Bitch stole my loot.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Stabbing someone in the neck is still better than shooting someone in the balls.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Stabbing someone in the neck is still better than shooting someone in the balls
Or ripping someone’s sack open with your bare hands.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Love the suit. It gets me hard.
Wish I could get my hands on Michael’s sack. I’d know what to do.
I love jizz.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I looked at McIver, sitting in that chair, and I said… Wow. That’s what a Hall of Famer is.
Now get out of my chair bitch.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Yes, but Laura still can’t talk about it. It’s too hard. Running stop signs and killing classmates can be traumatic.
/Best First Family EVAH!
October 9th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Or ripping someone’s sack open with your bare hands.
jesus christ. thanks for the nightmare fuel.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Only two words you need to know about The Playmaker.
Never…
Convicted…
December 13th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Also don’t forget 3 super bowl rings jealous bastards. You are so perfect? Never steal candy from little kid? Cut in front of someonr line? Take a handicapped parking space? Yeah right. Eliteist. Get over yourself Mr Perfect. Oh, he died, so this is no Mr Perfect.
December 13th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
So I can’t spell. I’m not perfect either. Put me on your weekly reminder list. FKKSN CAN”T SPELL! NEVER FORGET!
December 13th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I make myself laugh. Shoulda been a comedian and not a hater of ksk.com.