I know a lot of people are looking forward to tonight’s debate between myself and Governor Palin. I think a lotta you out there are underestimating the Governor from Alaska. This lady didn’t get into elected office by being some lightweight. I think we’ve seen that she can bring her fastball when she wants to. And, I have to say, she’s a pretty good looking broad. I mean, she ain’t no Heidi Klum. But when you gotta spend all day on Capitol Hill staring at Nancy Pelosi’s empty-trash-bag tits like I do, this little Palin muchacha starts to look pretty damn good!

Oh, did I just say that out loud? My apologies. I’ve been going through some training lately to curb my habit of saying the first thing off the top of my head. Obviously, it’s gonna take some work. What I meant to say was that the governor is an attractive woman. Very attractive. Hugely bangable. Back in Scranton, we used call chicks like her “meatplows,” cause you could just hitch yourself to ‘em all day long out in the field.

Anyone here mind if I take my jacket off? Sometimes the ol’ pits get a little damp. But you get used to the smell. Smells like the floor of a rain-soaked forest, if you ask me.

Anyway, I think this debate tonight is gonna be a great chance for the people of America to see just how stark the differences are between my philosophy and Governor Palin’s. Governor Palin supports tax cuts for rich people. I think we need to give the middle class a break. Governor Palin thinks the Iraq War was ordained by God. I think it was a made by a corrupt administration. Also, I sometimes like tossing on a dog collar when I jerk off. I dunno if the Governor does that. But if she did, that would be way hot.

Hey, look at that dude over in the corner of the auditorium! He’s missing an index finger! Christ, that’s odd. I can’t stop staring!

I think tonight’s debate is going to be a hard-fought contest that’s going to come right down to ISSUES. It’s gonna be like a defensive battle between the Steelers and Eagles. You know, I ride the train every day with hard-working people. They’re football fans. They’re fathers. And mothers. They’re just like you and me. I bet that, like me, they sometimes run out of toilet paper in the train bathroom, then they have to rip up the cardboard toilet paper tube, and then try and scoop out the rest of their poop that way, only there’s still a little left, so they just have to suck it up and spend the rest of the ride to Wilmington rolling the dice with a little brown cigarillo tethered to their ass hairs.

You see America? I get it.

A lot of you people out there are hurting right now. You turn on the NFL because it’s your only solace from rising gas prices, and falling home values, and the fact that all the little Chinamen are coming to take your jobs. I get it. Those Chinamen are totally sneaky. They eat scallion pancakes. That’s weird in my book.

I know how it is for everyday folks. You sit around your kitchen table at night, and you talk with your wife about how you’re gonna pay the bills. And then your wife says, “Well, maybe we don’t need cable.” And then you say, “Fuck that. That cable is my only hope of drowning out your shrill whine, lady.” And then she says, “Fuck you! Stop banging the receptionist!” And then you go stay at the Hay Adams for a week or two.

I know how that feels. I really do.

I’m looking forward to going head-to-head the Governor tonight to show you people just what Barack Obama and I stand for. We stand for jobs. We stand for providing good health care. We stand for alternative energy. We stand for miles upon miles of progress-choking governmental bureaucracy. We stand for…

Hey, who made this dip? God, it tastes like shit. Oh, you made it Shirley? Sorry about that. Actually, I think it tastes very interesting!

Governor Palin is a tough lady. She hunts moose, or sea lions, or whatever it is those freaky Alaska Eskimo igloo-lickers do. So, you folks who think this is going to some kind of easy debate for me tonight, you’d best be warned! Politics is like football: nothing comes easy, folks. You gotta work hard for every inch you got. Especially when you’re going head to head with a chick like Palin. I gotta bite through my finger just to keep from running my hand up that hot momma’s thigh, know what I mean? God, If I could just smear a little honey on those cans.

Hey look! Those two guys are holding hands! They’re totally gay! God, that’ll never stop looking bizarre to me.