Tonight’s Debate Will Be Like A Hard Fought Contest Between The Eagles And The WOW THIS CHICK I’M DEBATING HAS GREAT CANS!
I know a lot of people are looking forward to tonight’s debate between myself and Governor Palin. I think a lotta you out there are underestimating the Governor from Alaska. This lady didn’t get into elected office by being some lightweight. I think we’ve seen that she can bring her fastball when she wants to. And, I have to say, she’s a pretty good looking broad. I mean, she ain’t no Heidi Klum. But when you gotta spend all day on Capitol Hill staring at Nancy Pelosi’s empty-trash-bag tits like I do, this little Palin muchacha starts to look pretty damn good!
Oh, did I just say that out loud? My apologies. I’ve been going through some training lately to curb my habit of saying the first thing off the top of my head. Obviously, it’s gonna take some work. What I meant to say was that the governor is an attractive woman. Very attractive. Hugely bangable. Back in Scranton, we used call chicks like her “meatplows,” cause you could just hitch yourself to ‘em all day long out in the field.
Anyone here mind if I take my jacket off? Sometimes the ol’ pits get a little damp. But you get used to the smell. Smells like the floor of a rain-soaked forest, if you ask me.
Anyway, I think this debate tonight is gonna be a great chance for the people of America to see just how stark the differences are between my philosophy and Governor Palin’s. Governor Palin supports tax cuts for rich people. I think we need to give the middle class a break. Governor Palin thinks the Iraq War was ordained by God. I think it was a made by a corrupt administration. Also, I sometimes like tossing on a dog collar when I jerk off. I dunno if the Governor does that. But if she did, that would be way hot.
Hey, look at that dude over in the corner of the auditorium! He’s missing an index finger! Christ, that’s odd. I can’t stop staring!
I think tonight’s debate is going to be a hard-fought contest that’s going to come right down to ISSUES. It’s gonna be like a defensive battle between the Steelers and Eagles. You know, I ride the train every day with hard-working people. They’re football fans. They’re fathers. And mothers. They’re just like you and me. I bet that, like me, they sometimes run out of toilet paper in the train bathroom, then they have to rip up the cardboard toilet paper tube, and then try and scoop out the rest of their poop that way, only there’s still a little left, so they just have to suck it up and spend the rest of the ride to Wilmington rolling the dice with a little brown cigarillo tethered to their ass hairs.
You see America? I get it.
A lot of you people out there are hurting right now. You turn on the NFL because it’s your only solace from rising gas prices, and falling home values, and the fact that all the little Chinamen are coming to take your jobs. I get it. Those Chinamen are totally sneaky. They eat scallion pancakes. That’s weird in my book.
I know how it is for everyday folks. You sit around your kitchen table at night, and you talk with your wife about how you’re gonna pay the bills. And then your wife says, “Well, maybe we don’t need cable.” And then you say, “Fuck that. That cable is my only hope of drowning out your shrill whine, lady.” And then she says, “Fuck you! Stop banging the receptionist!” And then you go stay at the Hay Adams for a week or two.
I know how that feels. I really do.
I’m looking forward to going head-to-head the Governor tonight to show you people just what Barack Obama and I stand for. We stand for jobs. We stand for providing good health care. We stand for alternative energy. We stand for miles upon miles of progress-choking governmental bureaucracy. We stand for…
Hey, who made this dip? God, it tastes like shit. Oh, you made it Shirley? Sorry about that. Actually, I think it tastes very interesting!
Governor Palin is a tough lady. She hunts moose, or sea lions, or whatever it is those freaky Alaska Eskimo igloo-lickers do. So, you folks who think this is going to some kind of easy debate for me tonight, you’d best be warned! Politics is like football: nothing comes easy, folks. You gotta work hard for every inch you got. Especially when you’re going head to head with a chick like Palin. I gotta bite through my finger just to keep from running my hand up that hot momma’s thigh, know what I mean? God, If I could just smear a little honey on those cans.
Hey look! Those two guys are holding hands! They’re totally gay! God, that’ll never stop looking bizarre to me.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, crazy joe biden, debates i won't be watching, fair and balanced, more retarded poflawas here!
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Biden tried to build a bridge between Cape May and Lewes. It was also called the bridge to nowhere.
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
“spend the rest of the ride to Wilmington rolling the dice with a little brown cigarillo tethered to their ass hairs”
phe-fuckin-nomenal!!!
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
“Also, I sometimes like tossing on a dog collar when I jerk off. I dunno if the Governor does that. But if she did, that would be way hot.”
A studded collar of course.
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I bet that, like me, they sometimes run out of toilet paper in the train bathroom, then they have to rip up the cardboard toilet paper tube, and then try and scoop out the rest of their poop that way, only there’s still a little left, so they just have to suck it up and spend the rest of the ride to Wilmington rolling the dice with a little brown cigarillo tethered to their ass hairs.
Wow.
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
“I’m Barack Obama, and I support whatever this crazy-ass nigga says!”
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Magary-Ufford ‘12!
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
“Well, maybe we don’t need cable.” And then you say, “Fuck that. That cable is my only hope of drowning out your shrill whine, lady.” And then she says, “Fuck you! Stop banging the receptionist!” And then you go stay at the Hay Adams for a week or two.”
Can lobbyists pay the tab if they a fundraiser in his room at the Hay-Adams? If the receptionist is there, can they pay her freight as entertainment? Fuck. I thought these questions would be answered.
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I would also like to “smear a little honey on those cans.”
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Thats funny.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
@UM, which side is nowhere? No, seriously!
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Ah, now it becomes clear. Drew isn’t voting for Obama to protect his ass against accusations of racism, he’s voting for the ticket that understands the spot-on-your-towel problem.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Joe Biden looks like that creepy old queen on the train in a Hawaiian shirt and jean shorts that smiles at everyone. And that scares the bejesus out of me.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I wonder how much of Drew’s posts are based on real life experiences. His attention to detail is superb.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:15 pm
@ Monkey Business: Thanks, now along with Otto’s Caribou Barbie comment, and the mind picture you just provided, this debate will have much more comedic value
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I gotta say Lewes is nowhere
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
thanks for making me laugh at work!
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Poor Joe Biden. His humor value is being overshadowed by Sarah’s. Thank goodness we’ll have 4 years to plum the endless depths of his oral diarrhea.
Well done guys, this shit is why I keep reading your site. Your like a slugger, lots of strike outs but the home runs make you forget the bad times.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Joe “I wanted to represent Scranton so I became the senator of Delaware” Biden! Yessir! Joe, I can to write, I wrote the Patriot Act, Biden! Joe Biden, who says the surge won’t work, we should just divide Iraq into three separate countries! And this douchebag was brought on for foreign policy expertise! And he shits his pants on a regular occasion! But note the suit without a tie – he’s just as cool as Barack Obama!
Which is why…politics (and those who call my cell phone from either campaign) are gay! Good job though Drew. I just missed the previous poflawa and had to spill a little haterade.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
What’s poflawa mean?
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Political Flag Waiving?
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@ rocco – political flame war – see the carolina panthers post
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Political flame war.
Anyone got the Vegas over-under on how long it takes Palin to say “moose” tonight?
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Thank you.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Now that was hilarious. Biden’s like the old uncle who just doesn’t give a fuck anymore and lost that filter between his brain and his mouth. Or is that Alzheimer’s?
Whatever man…funny shit Drew. Not literally of course.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Man, Val Kilmer looks like shit.
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:13 pm
This may be my favorite post yet.
You had me at “great cans,” Drew. You had me at “great cans.”
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I’d smear some moon pies on those cans.
Also, best post ever. Thank you.
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:57 pm
I was too young to vote in ‘92, but I miss those Clinton-Gore/ Perot-Stockdale/ George H.W. Bush-Quayle years. That was a comedic golden age.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Don’t fuck with H. Ross Perot. haha
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Words like “broads” and “cans” are just timeless classics. Demeaning, yet cool in a Frank Sinatra sort of way.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
What ever happened to Pat Paulson?
/takes another swig of metamucil
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
What ever happened to Pat Paulson?
“He’s dead, Jim.”
/Kirk’d
//RIP Pat
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Wouldn’t that be McCoy’d?
/RIP DeForest Kelley
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Nancy Pelosi’s empty-trash-bag tits
aka the Palin’s ass of the tit world.
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:21 pm
This is the only negative thing I’ve read about Biden (such things don’t seem to exist), and it was awesome.
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:19 pm
This is almost as entertaining as Biden in person. And I once was on the train with him for three hours. He is fucking hilarious.
And damn she’s hot.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:44 am
Palin’s a dingbat…but a hot dinkbat at that. Good for a laugh, but not a joke son.
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:08 am
The debate showcased two sides of Biden _ the master senator invoking long gone colleagues such as Mike Mansfield and Jesse Helms and rattling off foreign policy details with ease, and the “just Joe” image he has tried to cultivate on his daily train commute between Washington and Wilmington, Del….
thanx for the image drew..i almost fell out my chair
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I lol’d at “empty-trash-bag tits”