The Moose and the Marmalard: WHO YA GOT?
The once-awaited rematch of the five-interception tour de felch that was last year’s AFC Championship Game has paled a touch in the past month, given the usual early-season stumblings of the Chargers and Bernard Pollard’s neutering of the Patriots, still manages to be one of the more exciting games of the week. Cassel represents a wholly douchey team while Rivers represents most of the doucheiness within his own squad. It’s a contrast in styles, but hopefully a still-watchable game. So, WHO YA GOT?
Matt Cassel____________________Philip Rivers
Nickname
Moose_______________Marmalard, Laserface
How you know he has AIDS
Proximity to Leinart and Brady______________Raped by Merriman
Play marked by
Staring down receivers______________Beating punters on hang time
Needs to utilize
Quitting Randy Moss________Useless LaKneeInjury who can’t get in from the oneMy Tiny Darren
Will either save Indy?
Courted his wife with
Rousing rendition of “I Want It That Way”________________All that sexy abstinence
Favored insult
Moosetard__________________Cutlerfucker
Finishing move
Red Sox distract baseball town from football team they already gave up on____Can still blame it on Norv
Tags: AHAHAHAHAHA, marmalard, who ya got?, xmas ape
October 10th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Still getting over that hang-up about the Patriots, are we?
October 10th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Cassell looks like he’s using an iPod designed for special needs children.
October 10th, 2008 at 8:59 am
BTW, the site seems to be loading up nice and quick now. Did you guys threaten the Uproxx IT guy with 5 minutes alone with Merriman?
October 10th, 2008 at 9:03 am
“They were raping a stromtrooper when we got there.”
October 10th, 2008 at 9:05 am
chargers are #1 douche team in all the lands. lights out.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:20 am
The only douchey thing Cassel has ever done is play for New England. And get this job without ever starting a game in college. Now, those are pretty douchey but it takes more than “pretty douchey” to upset the Crown Prince of Douche.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Oh sure, you guys can get Marmalard into UrbanDictionary, but those fucks reject my “Welkah” submission?
WTFOMGSTFU.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:24 am
@Jay: He did throw some total ragers at USC, brah.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:27 am
Merrimam doesn’t think abstinence is sexy. ‘Roid fueled ass-rape, now that’s sexy!
October 10th, 2008 at 9:30 am
what, no Pacman vs. St. Kurt?
October 10th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Marmalard ftw
“YOU BETTA ASK SOOOOOOOOMMEEEEBODDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!”
October 10th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I thought “Moose” was a nickname for a strapping lumberjack type guy - not some fancy NFL QB… Dude needs some more facial hair, maple syrup stains, and axe scars to pull that off…
October 10th, 2008 at 9:53 am
@TF: Ragers vs. asking someboday? I think the choice is clear.
Incidentally, you can replace “ragers” with almost anything else and asking someboday would still be the better choice.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Poor Yoda and Short Round.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Brah, these earbuds suck. I can’t hear the bass in this awesome new Nickelback.
There’s no way the Pats win this one. Even Marmalard can manage the hand-off.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Marmalard seems like a guy with no qualms with shooting a guy in the dick.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Chargers pass defense is last in the afc, giving up 265 yards/game. i wonder if the Patriots are aware of that….
October 10th, 2008 at 10:54 am
@El Duke: I’d rather us be Chinese than a nation of unethical dick shooters. Though being a Boston fan < being an unethical dick shooter. Think about that.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Unless Cassel magically becomes Jon ‘Mox’ Moxon, Im gonna have to go with Marmalard….
YA BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:06 am
did anyone else think Hines Wald when Cartman and Butters went undercover in the PF Changs?
October 10th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Herro prease.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:22 am
5 stars for any post that uses the word “felch”
October 10th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Squeal like a piggy!
/those bastards raped indy.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
We clearly missed out CasselGreyskull’s dead on reckoning of Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame
October 10th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Marmalard seems like a guy with no qualms with shooting a guy in the dick.
Really?
October 10th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
California douchebag versus Alabama douchebag. The collateral damage will be devastating.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
@rusrus
I agree! Who picked this name anyways? We should call that man “White Cassel” on account that he be looking so fucking whitebread and shit dat you know dat mtherfucker is probably like a hard core stoner and shit and be headin to White Castle after he’s toked up for the munchies and shit.
I can see him on the feel tellin Marmalard: Yo bitch..I’m gonna be smokin your douchebag raped ass all day…MUDDAHFUCKAH!!!