The once-awaited rematch of the five-interception tour de felch that was last year’s AFC Championship Game has paled a touch in the past month, given the usual early-season stumblings of the Chargers and Bernard Pollard’s neutering of the Patriots, still manages to be one of the more exciting games of the week. Cassel represents a wholly douchey team while Rivers represents most of the doucheiness within his own squad. It’s a contrast in styles, but hopefully a still-watchable game. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Matt Cassel____________________Philip Rivers

Nickname

Moose_______________Marmalard, Laserface

How you know he has AIDS

Proximity to Leinart and Brady______________Raped by Merriman

Play marked by

Staring down receivers______________Beating punters on hang time

Needs to utilize

Quitting Randy Moss________Useless LaKneeInjury who can’t get in from the oneMy Tiny Darren

Will either save Indy?

Courted his wife with

Rousing rendition of “I Want It That Way”________________All that sexy abstinence

Favored insult

Moosetard__________________Cutlerfucker

Finishing move

Red Sox distract baseball town from football team they already gave up on____Can still blame it on Norv