The Dick-Off: Santonio Holmes vs. Chris Cooley. WHO YA GOT?
Before the start of the season, two notable contributors to playoff teams each had an episode of penile exhibitionism hit the Intarwebs. Only Chris Cooley caught flak for his, but that’s because a guy with as big a dick as Santonio Holmes never has to apologize for it. Hell, I’m sure Jeff Reed was glad to welcome him to the online dick-flashing club. So Brady Quinn, WHO YA GOT?
Santonio Holmes____________Chris Cooley
Hails From
Wherever the good weed at___________Fuck Town
Nickname
San Antonio, according to every fuckwit announcer_________Captain Chaos
Winner of
Genetic lottery________________Team’s fantasy league (almost as good!)
Dick resembles
Tomato can___________________Tomato stem
Who’s on it
I don’t know, but I hope they lubed_________Every Redskins fan
What happens when you point a Desert Eagle at it?
Finishing Move
Fucks your fantasy team as painfully as it sounds________________Makes you go through Tanner
But wait, there’s more!
Bonus WHO YA GOT: The Ape vs. The Maj
The teams backed by the biggest homers on KSK face off on Monday night for the only the fourth time in 17 years. The last time the Redskins beat the Steelers, the first Bush was still in the White House and Washington actually had a football team in Washington. Oh yeah, and they won the Super Bowl that year. So fuck what you hear about the game’s results and their bearing on the presidential race, now that Philly broke its 25-year title drought, D.C.’s is only 8 years off the mark. WHO CAN YA TOLERATE?
Michael Tunison____________Jack Kogod
Afflicted with
Feline AIDS________________Dogherpes
Possesses undying hatred for
Tina Fey______________Certain rival bloggers
Must reference in every post
The Steelers______________Dan Steinberg
Awarded gay points for
Again, the whole living alone with a cat thing____Attending private school, fellating Gilbert Arenas
Dispenses
Jokes about Hines Wald hording foll Jeff Leed_____________Horrible gambling advice
Finishing Move
Bitching endlessly about every perceived slight___________Caring more about Deadspin weekends
Tags: not a good start to sexy friday, who ya got?, xmas ape
October 31st, 2008 at 10:05 am
x-mas ape you need a new long snapper. the squeelers will get smoked by the Redskins. And if your so tolerent why the hell are you so homophobic go get fired loser
October 31st, 2008 at 10:09 am
I’ll take Santonio’s dick with Kogod’s utter disregard for religious propriety.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:09 am
“Point-five-Oh”
October 31st, 2008 at 10:10 am
Kogod is My Pilot.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:11 am
Redskins bring the smack talk to the long snappers!
Actually, the Steelers signed another one this week.
See you Mondee!
October 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am
That Pearl/Maj video is hypnotic. The longer I watch, the more convinced I am they are ACTUALLY THE SAME PERSON!!
October 31st, 2008 at 10:16 am
+1 for “The Great Dictator” soundtrack
October 31st, 2008 at 10:22 am
My AFC bias is willing to over look the living alone with a cat.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:30 am
The cat is understandible…after all Ape is just looking to experience the Santanio Holmes experience. He just needs a smaller pussy to get the proportions right.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:35 am
Redskins bring the smack talk to the long snappers!
From the team that brought you Ethan Albright.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:45 am
let’s get married, ape.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:48 am
Bloggers = cat fuckers? That’s taking it too far, mainstream media.
October 31st, 2008 at 10:50 am
I wonder if Santonio has his name branded onto his Lousiville Slugger
October 31st, 2008 at 11:02 am
Cooley, because I hate the Steelers (and Ohio State) with the fire of 1000 suns, and Maj, because he has never spilled red wine on me.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:02 am
Not much sunlight gets down into their mother’s basement, does it?
October 31st, 2008 at 11:08 am
Sorry I can’t resist since I missed the Halloween post earlier –
When did your wife leave?
October.
That’s when my wife left! What is it about the month of October?
I dunno. The pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as!
October 31st, 2008 at 11:12 am
Single men living alone with a cat = creepy, not gay.
Sorry Ape.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:12 am
AHHHHHHHH!!!
Possible I’m the only other KSKommenter who gets that reference, Chris, but you know I appreciate it.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:13 am
Single men living alone with a cat = creepy, not gay.
That’s fair.
/creepy
October 31st, 2008 at 11:23 am
Where are the uncovered images?
October 31st, 2008 at 11:30 am
Going with Maj. Ape is surprisingly literate for a Steelers fan, but…he’s a Steelers fan. That’s about eight degrees past unforgiveable.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:41 am
I think Ape should move in with Antonio. Ape looks lonely.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:42 am
Uh, Santonio, you dumbass.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:43 am
I can compromise and move in with Antonio Freeman. He’s probably lonely right now too.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:49 am
Ape. Because he doesn’t look like Kogod.
October 31st, 2008 at 11:54 am
I’ll take Cooley (no arrests in past 10 days) and Ape since the Gayor of Fedex Field won’t throw a brick at his head.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
cooley’s on my fantasy team, so i feel obligated to take him.
/hopes game ends in a tie just to fuck with the fans
October 31st, 2008 at 12:39 pm
In order to queerify Ape’s gayness or creepiness the name and sex of the cat must be known. I’m guessing male and Mr. Flippet. Yes, I believe he actually puts a Mister in front of the cat’s name.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Tried to find an uncensored photo of the dongs in question, without doing a job-endangering search. So far, no luck, although seeing Steely McBeam’s face superimposed over Santonio’s crotch is pretty amusing. And unsettling.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
We will not be supplying said links. Good hunting.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Santonio is a big TR fan: speak softly and carry a big stick.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@ chris-bessmerivin – My mother loves that movie (and Steve Martin, she has a thing for massive douchebags). I can’t even say anything else out of shock over the reference.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Thank God there’s no video of Maj getting all grabby with Bruce Pearl.
October 31st, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Ape loves the Stillers and has a hate-on for Tina Fey. Makes him the perfect catch.
The Redskins are made more hateable by the fact that their number one celebrity fan is Tom Cruise, while the number one celebrity fan of the Stillers is … NO ONE!!! Stillers get bonus points for having no high-profile celebrity fans.
‘cept maybe Marty Allen. Hello dare.
February 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Man, I was gifted with what even the black dudes use to call the long beast in the highschool lockeroom after football practice untill I got sick of it, so, this doesnt even impress me when I look at myself everyday, its only the dark version minus an inch.