The Day The Balls Drop
Before we get to making more fun of Mike Singletary, I must note that today is the official release date for the massive affront to literature pictured above. Yes folks, it’s BALLSDAY. I suggest you skip work, take the kid out of school, head down to the bookstore, and read all 280 pages of this book while destroying a Borders shitter. (“This book has been flagged!”)
I also suggest you spend the entire day hanging brain. This isn’t just a day for you, it’s a day for you AND your balls. So treat your balls. Give them a little extra jostle. Groom them. Let ‘em hang real low and give them the ol’ “taffy pull,” if you know what I mean. Tell your ladyfriend, “Hey lady, it’s BALLSDAY. Now let’s get teabaggin’!”
You know you and your balls have earned it. Because this Nobel-winning tome simply couldn’t have existed without your support. And, as a show of gratitude to KSK readers, I now present to you a special deleted section from the book that I was forced to take out at the behest of Little, Brown’s lawyers. Goddamn lawyers. Anyway, enjoy. Happy Ballsday, everyone.
The best way to pay child support is in all pennies, by Larry Bird.
We all make mistakes in life. I got married and had a kid while very young and always regretted having done so. But I’m someone who believes in learning from mistakes, and what I’ve learned is that the best way to pay child support is in all pennies.
Every month, when I had to pay the court-ordered $1,250 (hooray, no adjusting for inflation!) to my ex-wife, I had a little ritual. I would go to the bank and withdraw $1,249.99, all in pennies. I always left it one penny short, just to see if the ex actually counted. And believe me, the bitch always did. She was stubborn like that. Now, these pennies occupied a 6’ x 6’ palette that needed to be airlifted to the ex, at an additional cost to me, sometimes exceeding the cost of the child support itself!
But it was worth it to me. By paying your child support in all pennies, you’re not only making a statement to your ex-wife (“I hate you and wish you would go away.”), but that massive, 987-pound mass of pennies also serves a metaphor for the terrible weight she and her child are on your life.
When I left my ex, I did so with the intention of moving on completely. No need dwelling the past. I don’t want to be reminded of my OLD family when I’m hanging out with my newer, better one. And that’s what I think that freedom-hating judge failed to recognize. Look, it’s not the money that annoys me. Clearly, I can afford the payment. It’s the constant, monthly reminder that these people exist. You know what a burden that is? I can barely finish this ginger-glazed lobster prepared for me by my personal chef, it’s so dismaying. Even now that my first kid is over 18 and I don’t have to make the payments anymore, I’m so conditioned to make the payments that it pops up in my brain every month anyway. It’s like some insidious brainwashing program.
Isn’t that awful?
So be careful with the ladies. Make the wrong move and you’ll soon find yourself tethered to some woman you don’t even like. And not just for 18 years. But for LIFE. It’s no joke. Even you when pay in pennies.
Tags: ballsday, Big Daddy Drew, book whoring, lawyers ruin everything, wrote that section just to piss off Simmons
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October 27th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Pennies from Basketball Jesus > Pennies from Heaven?
Pennies from Basketball Jesus > Penis from Basketball Jesus?
The mind reels…or in my case, staggers home wondering where the night went
October 27th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I’ll have to try that next month. Thanks Drew! Instead of paletizing them though I would rather have a little dumptruck dump them in the front yard. That would be much more entertaing!
October 27th, 2008 at 9:10 am
So this is why everyone tells me I’m lucky to have gotten out before having kids.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I suggest we combine BALLSDAY with Whacking Day. Get sponsorship from like Vaseline or something and try and make it a national holiday where you just stay home and whack your snake and play with your balls all day. because every weekend isn’t enough. For me.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Simmons is seething right now… “The bitch deserved it! Trying to trap Basketball Jesus. I’m gonna call my Dad and see if he read this crap, and then call Hendo, Slappy, and Cockroach and we’ll watch Karate Kid and then Hoosiers and pretend I never read this.” Please someone light him on fire…
October 27th, 2008 at 10:25 am
A review of MwB:
This book, it has words. – twoeightnine
October 27th, 2008 at 10:30 am
As the possessor of ovaries, I’m supposed to be appalled by this, but I find that I’m not. You really should be careful who (whom?) you impregnate. Don’t they teach this in some special class in middle school only the male students are required to attend?
I’m not sure what objection Larry Bird could have had to this passage. It gives him credit for being way smarter than I think he ever actually was/is. If I ever have to make a payment to someone that I think that person doesn’t deserve, they’re getting it in pennies.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:32 am
You should also, apparently, be careful about throwing around the word C-R-E-D-I-T. Damn.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Nickels would’ve saved more time, and they’re heavier.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:05 am
drew has been waiting months for this day… not because of the book’s release, but because he can finally use the balls dropping metaphor.
/positive he’s not the only one who saw this coming.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Fake? Maybe.
Awesome? Without question.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:20 am
FACK YOU, YA FACKIN’ CAHHHHHHNT! MAKIN’ A JOW-UKE OUTTA THA STRAHHHGLES OF NAHHHBAHHH THIRTY-THREE?!?!? HOW FAAAAAACKIN’ DARE YOU! I’M FACKIN’ FYOOR-EE-US!
/repeatedly stabs nearby black man in the stomach with key to his Pontiac Sunfire
October 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
You’ve got more of this coming right? I’m halfway through the book and every page is solid.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I, and my balls, think that was epic.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Yeah, piggybacking on the “Basketball Jesus” and simmons reaction (or lack thereof). Like he’ll address t his or attempt to minimize as a “young kid” and then throw in a Sean Kemp / Travis Henry reference.
One, 11 or more. Take responsibility for your seed.
October 27th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
BTW, a guy sitting next to me on the plane the other day noticed your name on the book and remarked to me, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who writes the Jamboroo?”
Your fame is spreading, Drew.
October 27th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Am I the only one that really didn’t find this funny? Instead I’ll spend my money on the Flavor Bible for my girlfriend.
October 27th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
@ jd5612: I have to argue that 5 pennies weighs more than 1 nickel. And yep, it sure does. A penny weighs 2.5 grams and a nickel weighs 5 grams. Even if you factor in an extra booger or three stuck to the nickel the pennies have it beat.
/shows himself out
October 27th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Did Larry Byrd really say this?
October 27th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
What’s worse is that they were Canadian pennies.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Did Larry Byrd really say this?
This is why you need lawyers, Drew.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Congratulations on the release, Drew. May it be just the first of many releases you experience today.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Congrats on the book Drew!
This would be worth doing just for the enjoyment you’d get out of making the bitch call long distance to whine about a single penny.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
If this is what the rest of the book is like, I need to go to Barnes and Noble immediately and make it my new Metro North reading.
That was outstanding.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I’m going to go ahead and assume that the ‘Support Kids/Child Support’ ad running alongside this post was planned in advance, just to add another wrinkle of humor. Bravo.
/ad salesman
October 27th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I guess you guys won’t be ripping on PFT anymore, hey Mr. Magary?