Sexy Friday and a Vote for Lingerie Shopping
As you get older, you make trade-offs with your lifestyle. Downsides: your body starts deteriorating with the half-life of Polonium-214, hangovers get more and more brutal, and you end up spending less and less time with people you really like — especially if you’re married. But there are upsides, too. For example, with every year that goes by, I become slightly less stupid. But much more importantly, I’m now comfortable buying lingerie — and not just for myself. It makes a great gift for women, a gift that they will wear almost immediately after you buy it, and then as many as 0.5 times per year thereafter.
There was a time when going into Victoria’s Secret was so daunting. I’d go in, eye something frilly, then some woman would ask me if I needed help. Need help? Is she implying I don’t know anything about lingerie? Man, I KNOW lingerie. Why, I took off a woman’s bra off with one hand! Once!
“NO!” I’d shout, then adjust my voice. “No, just looking.” Bitch. Then I’d buy my woman some lame-ass babydoll that wasn’t all sexy, because the saleswoman unnerved me and I didn’t want to offend my girlfriend by getting something too risque in case that made her uncomfortable, and anyway wouldn’t it mean more to her if she got something comfortable?
But not any more. Now I go in there, and before the sales girl can finish her question, I’m like, “Yeah, do you have this in 34C? Does it only come in black? Do you think needlenose pliers would rip this? Does this conduct electricity?” And when I check out, the missus gets something bona fide sexy… that she wears once. Then it’s back to unsexy nightclothes.
Because, let’s face it, as long as you’re the kind of person who insists on dating women with things like an “education” or “intellectual curiosity,” you’re going to be hard-pressed to find a gal with a penchant for knit bikinis:
Or tight sheer button-downs sans bra:
Don’t even expect her to wear one of your dress shirts, unbuttoned in unpossibly sexy fashion:
The only shirt of yours she’s going to wear frequently is your favorite t-shirt that you’ve had for ten years and is perfectly worn down to the thinnest cotton possible. And you know what? That’s plenty sexy in its own right.
Still, a knit bikini would be awfully nice.
(Photos of Holly Weber via Uncoached. Disclaimer: discussion of relationships is from general experience and depicts no particular woman. Love you honey!)
Tags: captain caveman, KSK off topic, sexy friday
October 24th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Sexy Friday indeed!
October 24th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Right on the money CC, especially about the worn t-shirt. However, with the cold weather already here all my wife wears is sleep pants and long sleeve shirts. Needless to say, not sexy.
Also, not to be a dick but Polonium-214 is a stable isotpe and has no half-life. Polonium-210 is a radioactive isotope with a half-life of 138 days and would be a better example of the body deteriorating as you get older.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
USA! USA! USA!
Try shopping at Victoria’s Secret with your wife, while being waited on by your ex girlfriend who works there as a sales clerk. Thats always fun.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
@UU
NEEEERRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!
October 24th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
But what’s the atomic weight of bolonium?
October 24th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Love the t-shirt only thing. I went from a girlfriend who only slept in that to a wife who slept in full gear – sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks. Odd thing was the wife was insanely hot. Such a waste.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
@TF, I deserved that.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Bravo CC. The dress shirt is criminally underused in real life. In reality, women wear the following articles of men’s clothing
1. College Sweatshirts
2. Fleece Jackets (only when it’s cold out and the dumb ass forgot her own jacket)
3. Team Building Exercise ‘99 t-shirts
October 24th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@Flubby: Delicious?
If I have 2 Pepsis and give you one, how much more refreshed are you?
October 24th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
My bolonium has a first name…it’s S-E-X-Y
My bolonium has a second name…it’s F-R-I-D-A-Y
October 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Want to be unnerved at Victoria’s Secret? Try having a flamingly-gay gentleman ask you if you need help.
No, sir, YOU are the one who needs help, because being a gay is a sickness.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
So are you saying that dumb chicks wear lingerie around the house more frequently?
Also, why is the electric conductivity of a fabric so important? Are we talking static electricity, or the hardcore stuff that comes out of the wall? Inquiring minds want to know.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
The only shirt of yours she’s going to wear frequently is your favorite t-shirt that you’ve had for ten years and is perfectly worn down to the thinnest cotton possible.
“Team Building Exercise … Ninety-Nine!”
October 24th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
@ Microscopic Elvis
OOOOO It’s business time!!!
October 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
“Team Building Exercise … Sixty-Nine!” would be sexy
October 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
@ UU: Can you provide me the plans for a fluc capacitor. It’s a little idea I’m working on.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Who is this Holly?
October 24th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
One of the reasons we only wear the Vicky’s stuff once is because most of it is cheap crap that falls apart after one washing.
/sexy joke or witticism
October 24th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
My ex-girlfriend used to have whole drawer of worn-thin comfy t-shirts, I made sure I grabbed a few before things ended. Now the current girlfriend constantly steals them and manages to creep me out/amuse me/get me hot and bothered all at the same time.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
In Korea we could get knockoff jerseys (Baseball, Football, Hockey) for next to nothing. Even had the “NFL logo” tag or whatever is supposed to signify that they are “authentic” and not sew in 20 minutes by some 60 year old Asian lady.
In any event, my Darryl Johnston jersey ended up going home one morning with my ex-G/F.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
@UU: How about a pair of Xray glasses, can you make some?
October 24th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Huh. Well, that’s a first, seeing a reference to the half-life of polonium in the same context as titties.
I like it.
They should have done the same thing back in school.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
@Doc Holliday
I’m Joe Gibbs and I approved this message.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Knit bikini. Score.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Amen on the Victoria’s Secret story. AND AMEN TO HOLLY. Way to get Sexy Friday (and me) off with a bang.
One of the reasons we only wear the Vicky’s stuff once is because most of it is cheap crap that falls apart after one washing.
Fredericks of Hollywood then?
October 24th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
@Smello: WORD
October 24th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
@Smello and Smurphette, any recommendations other than V.S. ?
October 24th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@UU: I’ll be a dick and a nerd and point out that 214Po has a half-life of 167 microseconds. And it probably outlasts you.
Stick to your day job. Don’t go trying to go all Nuclear Boy Scout on us.
oh…and Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes. And loose-fitting, thin-material or threadbare T-Shirts are totally sexy Preferably not tucked in, on a cool early summer morning, and just down low enough that you can’t quite tell if there’s anything on underneath….
October 24th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
@jawhawk: Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes? It’s the same girl.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I actually prefer Agent Provocateur. It’s expensive as fuck, though.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@jayhawk, o.k., I stand corrected no need to be a dick about it. I’m surprised you didn’t recite the whole Uranium dacay chain for me.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Tight sheer button-down sans bra: I’ll look into that!
October 24th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Oh yeah, Holly is part of Bonerland’s ruling class.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@Rocco: The second girl is hot enough to deserve three Yes’s. One for each outfit. All bonerific.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
I’ll take that as an apology, UU. I was a chem major for three weeks, you know.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
thanks CC and yes I do apologize for getting my facts wrong and questioning your accuracy. I’ll stick to trying to be funny, which I know isn’t very often.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
True Story: Came home from another Seahawks loss drunk as hell, to find the new girl in my apt, wearing my other Hawks jersey (and a sexy thong, I quickly found out), waiting for me to get home so she could help me get over the loss. She had poured me a drink too.
That’s fucking sexy. Now if only the damned Hawks could win, that would make these re-occurring evenings more fun.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
/apologizes to the married men here for the single guy story
October 24th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
@TPS, if that’s what you have waiting for you after every Seahawks loss you should hope they don’t win another game all season.
/married, no apology necessary
October 24th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@ Pirate Sloth
Fucking bastard!!!!
Still, that’s sort of a dilemma. If they win more, you might not get as much outrageous comfort/cheer-you-up sex.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
No, she’s a Hawks fan too – so I’m hoping the sex would be even more fantastical. Here’s to a great 1-15 season!
October 24th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Me fail english!? That’s unpossible!
October 24th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
mystical disappearing nipples in picture 3??
anyone who watched house this week knows the sexy dress shirt is doubly as hot after a passionate girl on girl makeout montage
October 24th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
“If I have 2 Pepsis and give you one, how much more refreshed are you?”
Pepsi?
/partial credit
October 24th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
@jawhawk: Same girl in all 4 pics.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
@Smello/Smurphette: Amen, sisters.
Leave it to CC to call out Agent Provocateur. A connoisseur knows.
Also lovely? La Perla. http://www.laperlausa.com/USA/servlet/SetIDWebObject?ID=BLI8E3&IDType=ser
October 24th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
@Pirate Sloth
Yes, you are a horrible fucking person for torturing the married among us with that story.
As punishment, you must tell us more. Leave out no detail, no matter how trivial.
October 24th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
If you’re into stockings, this is a good place. And I’d put this t-shirt against a Seahawks jersey any day.
October 24th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Also, I never wear pajamas, even in the winter. Advantage: Texas.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:24 am
@rocco — yep. You’re right. Will stick to my day job now too.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Must. Do. As. The. Tits. Say.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Whats even better, she’s not mad that I posted this.
Score.
@Mamacita: I never sleep with pajamas either, even in the winter.
Advantage: me.