Sergeant Coughlin Would Like To Guard Against Complacency
(Giants weight room)
Justin Tuck: Hey Coach McGaughey, go easy on me today. That was a rough win we had yesterday.
McGaughey: Aw, poor Tuck. Yeah, I know how tiring it gets to have a free shot at Roethlisberger on every other play.
Justin Tuck: (laughs) No joke, man! No joke! I did more running yesterday than I did in all of training camp! What do we have to do today?
McGaughey: Circuit training, my friend.
Justin Tuck: Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Circuit training? Today? I can barely fucking move, man. And you’re gonna have me running around from one damn station to the next? C’mon, man. Ease up on me. Gimme a chance to catch my breath.
McGaughey: Hey man, you know I would. Really. But circuit training today, of all days, wasn’t my idea.
Justin Tuck: Well then, whose idea was it?
(door flies open)
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING LITTLE PUKE! FUCKING TRYING TO TAKE A FUCKING DAY OFF WHEN IT’S ONLY GODDAMN OCTOBER, YOU FUCKING BAG OF QUEEFJUICE? I WILL FUCKING END YOU, YOU FUCK. I WILL FUCKING IMPREGNATE YOUR RECTUM WITH A GODDAMN CHAINSAW!
Justin Tuck: Coach, coach. It’s not like that. I wanna go out and play and prepare as hard as I can. But sometimes, you have to conserve your energy.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: CONSERVE YOUR ENERGY? CONSERVE YOUR FUCKING ENERGY? YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT ON A STOLEN COCK! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU’RE CONSERVING, YOU LITTLE FUCKING BALLGARGLER: ALL THAT ESTROGEN RUNNING THROUGH YOUR GODDAMN SYSTEM. YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING MAN! YOU’RE A WOMAN! WITH A PUSSY! FUCK!
Justin Tuck: Okay, okay. I’ll go through the circuit training. What’s the circuit?
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCK YOU, SON. FUCK YOU UNTIL YOUR ASSHOLE LOOKS LIKE GROUND FUCKING BEEF! YOU WILL FUCKING SPRINT TO THE 1,000 FT. ROPE CLIMBING STATION, AND THEN FUCKING SPRINT TO THE BOULDER-JUGGLING STATION, AND THEN YOU WILL FUCKING SPRINT TO THE BEAR-WRESTLING STATION, THEN YOU FUCKING SPRINT TO THE GET-PUNCHED-IN-THE-FACE-WITH-A-MALLET STATION! AND IF YOU DON’T FINISH THE CIRCUIT IN UNDER 90 SECONDS, I WILL FUCKING MAKE YOU DO IT 4 MORE TIMES, ALL ON HOT COALS! THEN I’LL TEAR YOUR MOM’S TITS OFF WITH A RAKE!
Justin Tuck: 90 seconds? That’s not even close to possible.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: SON, THAT IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 6-1 AND NOT 7-0, YOU LITTLE CUM-BATHING TWATFONDLER! WE ARE THE FUCKING LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THIS LEAGUE RIGHT NOW! I AM FUCKING EMBARRASSED TO BE SEEN WITH YOU! I WILL PULL YOUR FORESKIN OVER YOUR FUCKING HEAD!
ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU’RE FUCKING HAPPY WITH SIX AND FUCKING ONE? I’M NOT! I WILL PULL YOUR EYES OUT WITH A GODDAMN IUD! I WILL PULL OUT YOUR TONGUE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR PUSSYHOLE! IN FACT, WE’RE GONNA DO EXTRA TRAINING! YOU’RE GONNA DIG A POOL IN MY YARD, YOU FUCK! A FUCKING OLYMPIC SWIMMING POOL!
Justin Tuck: All right, already. I’ll do the training, sir. (mumbles) Asshole.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! YOU LITTLE TAINTLICKING COCKWORKER! GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WIN A FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP? TOO BUSY HAVING BOAT ANCHORS PULLED OUT OF YOUR ASS DOWN IN THE VILLAGE? DIE! DIE! YOU AREN’T FIT FOR FUCKING COMBAT! YOU’RE ONLY FIT TO RAPE DOGS! AND GIVE THEM DOGHERPES! YOU DOGHERPES-GIVING DOGFUCKER!
Justin Tuck: I’m sorry, sir. I’ll get right on the training. No lie.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: AND REMEMBER TO GET IT DONE IN 60 SECONDS, OR I WILL SHOWER YOU WITH MY ACID PISS!
Justin Tuck: You said 90 seconds before.
Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCKING CUNTRAG! 90 SECONDS MEANS 60 SECONDS, WHICH MEANS 10 SECONDS! WHY HAVEN’T YOU FINISHED THE CIRCUIT YET?! YOU FUCKING BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF TUCK, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH WITH A BIG BLACK COCK! YOU HEAR ME, FUCKWAGON?! FUCK!
Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.
(Coughlin leaves)
McGaughey: Boy, he’s pretty upbeat for a Monday.
Justin Tuck: I was just gonna say that.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, creative profanity, dunno what a fuckwagon is but i likes it, Sergeant Tom
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October 27th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Asparagus gives me acid piss
October 27th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Hilarious, but needs more dogherpes.
October 27th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
You forgot to add
[sulks dejectedly with hands on hips]
right in the middle
October 27th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I think all teams need to instigate a ‘Bear-Wrestling Station’
October 27th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I like fuckwagon more then pussyclamp. Fuckwagon doesn’t make me cringe when I think about it.
October 27th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I use the “get-punched-in-the-face-with-a-mallet” station every day. That way I can avoid the pussyclamp station for another week.
October 27th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
YOU’RE ONLY FIT TO RAPE DOGS! AND GIVE THEM DOGHERPES! YOU DOGHERPES-GIVING DOGFUCKER!
At this, Tuck burst into tears.
October 27th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
THEN I’LL TEAR YOUR MOM’S TITS OFF WITH A RAKE!
How colorful.
October 27th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
No [face gets redder] ?
“SON, THAT IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 6-1 AND NOT 7-0″ that and shitty playcalling and general lack of preparedness for the shitty Browns.
But mostly because Tuck is a lazy pussy.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Eli Manning doing circuit training while Coughlin screams at him: hilarious.
I know that Tiki Barber got a lot of criticism for calling Manning’s motivational speeches “comical,” but there was a moment during last night’s Steelers/Giants game (I think after their fourth failed attempt to get a touchdown instead of a field goal?) that Eli was on the sideline talking to the majority of the offensive team (Steve Smith, Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, et. al.) and the look on their faces clearly said, “We’re not listening, white boy.” Even Dick Stockton noticed it (”They have that glassy-eyed look that a classroom gets when they’re not listening” or something like that).
October 27th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
does anyone else hear r. lee ermey speakin all of coughlin’s text? i keep waiting for him to say ‘i will rip out your eyes and skullfuck you!’
October 27th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
GET THE FUCK OFF MY OBSTACLE!!!
October 27th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Tremendous. I see you’re not resting on your Men With Balls laurels.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Vomit on a stolen cock?
October 27th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
That was awesome.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I’ve noticed this for a while, but the what the fuck is going on with the shape of Justin Tuck’s head?
October 27th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Wait, I thought this site did satire. How did you get an actual Coghlin transcript?
October 27th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I can’t help but hear R. Lee Ermey’s voice too…and it makes me smile.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@throwbot:
Dare you to say that to his face.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Somebody’s bitter about yesterday’s ferocious ass-whoopin’.
The 2008 New York Football Giants, doing 18-1 the right way.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
@ Throwbot – Put him and Jacobs together and you have the long and short of it.
October 27th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
does anyone else hear r. lee ermey speakin all of coughlin’s text?
Yup, and that’s why this post is full of awesome.
And I plan on using “fuckwagon” and “twatfondler” in conversation tonight. In context.
October 27th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
@ Throwbot
The after-effects of pussyclamps?
October 27th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Why would the Vikings fan be bitter about the Giants win, Gooch? And ferocious ass-whooping? A one-score victory that resulted from a 4th quarter comeback? Go get beaten like Plaxico’s wife.
October 27th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
vomit on a stolen cock?
also,
IUD?
October 27th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
“Christmas Ape Says:
October 27th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Why would the Vikings fan be bitter about the Giants win, Gooch? And ferocious ass-whooping? A one-score victory that resulted from a 4th quarter comeback? Go get beaten like Plaxico’s wife.”
I think gooch was referring to the fact that half the Steelers team is now on injured reserve or is questionable for This Sunday. Did you see some of those hits? A couple of Steelers got KTFO.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmKVknikZdU&feature=related
October 27th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
What I’d really like to know is what Drew did to celebrate international caps lock day?
October 27th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
McGaughey: Boy, he’s pretty upbeat for a Monday.
*******************************************************
LOL.
Contrast that with Wade Phillips:
WP: “Hey guys, what do you want to do during the off-week”?
Romo: “Go to Cabo”?
JERRAL: “FEK YEAH, MORE PUBLICITY FOR ME ! AND I’LL GET TO LOOK AT JESSICA’S HUGE TA-TA’S!”
Pacman (From the future): “I’m down wid it”
WP: “Cabo it is !”
October 27th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Both me and Sergeant Tom want to know what Tuck’s major malfunction is.
October 27th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
a fuckwagon is what the entire San Francisco Forty Fucking Niner organization should be riding to the depths of hell right about now. while fucklions gnaw on their entrails.
/i don’t know what a fuckwagon is either but i have a great mental picture of one
October 27th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
oh, and “go get beaten like Plaxico’s wife” is a must-use
October 27th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
“Vomit on a stolen cock” vs. “Dogherpes-giving dogfucker.” It’s like trying to decide between ScarJo and Alba.
October 27th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
@ foxxy brown — as for “fuckwagon,” I think that device was best described in South Park episode 511 — http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Entity_(South_Park) — a monowheel device that is controlled “using four ‘flexi-grip handles’ that somewhat resemble erect penises; two used by the hands, one in the mouth, and a fourth handle which is inserted into the anus.” That, sir, is a fuckwagon
Personally, I prefer the simple elegance of the phrase “taintlicking cockworker.”
October 27th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
You had me at “queefjuice”.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:22 am
all i’m wondering is, why the lashout on probably one of the top players on the team and not on… um let’s just say for no particular reason… plaxico?
/will never understand what parents came up with that name.
//just as chad’s children’s peers will never figure out how a black mexican child has the last name ocho cinco.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:22 am
“Why would the Vikings fan be bitter about the Giants win, Gooch? And ferocious ass-whooping? A one-score victory that resulted from a 4th quarter comeback? Go get beaten like Plaxico’s wife.”
Don’t despair, Ape. The Giants have beaten far better teams.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Maybe not this year, but they did at least knock off a then-unbeaten Pats team in February. I’m sure you appreciated that one.
October 28th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I’m probably gonna get banned for this one, but the Giants strength and conditioning coach is Jerry Palmieri not Thomas McGaughey.
Did I mention that this was hilarious?
“I WILL FUCKING IMPREGNATE YOUR RECTUM WITH A GODDAMN CHAINSAW!” OK that will probably leave a mark.
October 28th, 2008 at 10:46 am
@Ape
I apologize, I thought BDD was the Pittsburgh fan. I was just trying to rile him up with some Yahoo! Sports quality super-annoying-out-of-touch-with-reality fanboy nonsense.
At least it worked on somebody.
That being said, FEROCIOUS ASS-WHOOPING!
October 30th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
@ Gooch: when you refer to doing “18-1 right”, you mean losing to a shit Browns team early in the season and playing the rest of the season with no controversy, pressure, or anyone giving a shit about beating a team with one loss, setting no records, not having to listen to Mercury Morris every week, not having to deal with a bogus “cheating” scandal, and winning in a season when the best teams in the league are injury depleted — thats what you meant about going 18-1 the “right” way, right?