Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week — Week 6
This is my fucking nemesis:
I live in a neighborhood teeming with young children, so of course the business below my apartment employs a coin-operated horsey to swindle annoying post-hipster parents out of quarters. Each ride lasts what I rationally believe to be about 60 seconds, although it’s hard to estimate because time slows to nearly a stop while the canned music plays: Dun! Duh, da-duh, da da da da, da na na na-nuh-nuh-ah! Again. And again. And again. And for two more hours after the school across the street lets out.
I like silence while I work. I don’t like interruptions. No phone calls. No talking. No radio. No music. No TV. The click of the mouse and the rhythm of my typing are the only sounds with which I’m comfortable. Not long ago, my girlfriend quit her job and spent a week with me in my apartment while I worked. To this day she has no idea how close she came to a swift, brutal death.
But, my friends, I have won. I’ve beaten life. Because, after years of longing, I have finally purchased the one thing that makes me complete. Behold:
Noise. Canceling. Headphones. My God, THIS is how life is meant to be lived. I wear them all the time. I’m wearing them now. They’re drowning out a daycare class next door. The singing, shouting, crying, stomping — all gone. Blessedly gone. Hey babies! Yeah, you:
FUCK YOU. I can’t hear you. You too, Loudly Talking Into Cellphone at Airport Guy. And if it isn’t my old friend, Raving Derelict on the Subway. I see you going crazy, but all I can hear is Arcade Fire.
Pamphleteers, religious freaks, panhandlers, other people with headphones whose tinny residual music spills out of their headphones, motorcycles, cars with expensive stereos, the din of cafes — all silenced, negated. These headphones will add five years to my life.
Anyway, this week’s Meast is… THE BACK OF THE END ZONE!
Oh, sure, there were other contenders. Matt Ryan’s perfect throw under pressure was the key to the Falcons’ 
last-second win, but it hardly seems right to give the Meast to a rookie. Well, a white rookie, anyway. Drew Brees was 26/30 (two of those were throwaways) for 320 yards and 3 TDs, but it was against the Raiders. And Kevin Williams notched four sacks, adding to Dan Orlovsky’s bad day. But let’s face it, no human being from that game deserves Meast honors.
We salute you, Back of the End Zone. Subtle, omnipresent, unforgiving, and the difference in the Lions’ 12-10 loss to the Vikings. Your Time Magazine cover is on the way, we’re sure of it.
Tags: captain caveman, free whoring for Bose, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week
October 16th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I was hoping to see a reference to Fred Taylor getting knocked the fuck out. Did anybody see him on the sideline after that. They asked him what his name was and he said, “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father prepare to die.”
October 16th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Sorry, what? I was trying to get an All Access pass to The Secret Life of Bees.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:17 am
But they’re going to show a picture of the rod
October 16th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Noise cancelling headphones are good, but you could’ve solved that coin-op horsey problem with nothing more than a tube of glue into the coin slot.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:30 am
@Otto — No chance. They lock it away at night so I can’t destroy it.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:37 am
@2Port: Sorry, you’ll just have to kick back and check out the exclusive photos like the rest of us.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am
sure, noise cancelling headphones are nice, but assault rifles are fun. what were you thinking?
October 16th, 2008 at 8:42 am
No chance. They lock it away at night so I can’t destroy it.
Okay, so just put the glue into the outlet they use to plug the fucker in.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Oh, the outdoor outlet on the New York City street?
Get your head out of your ass, rube.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Well, I’m comforted to know that you at least explored that option, CC.
And I’m disturbed to know that UM apparently lives in the Main Street USA set from Disneyworld.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Actually, Otto, all of the buildings in Main St USA in the Magic Kingdom are shops downstairs and offices upstairs.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:55 am
He probably sleeps under his desk, Costanza style.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Why don’t you just buy the horsey?
October 16th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Bastards.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Little kids playing innocently on a toy horsey? That When Hines Attack!!
October 16th, 2008 at 9:05 am
What’s a good website to watch free simpsons episodes? u all r making me nostalgic
October 16th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Perhaps the stressful aural situations could also be remedied by Former President James Taylor’s unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. That unkempt youngster could be on to something
October 16th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I call bullshit on that picutre. I don’t believe pay phones exist anymore.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am
I question the supposition that Arcade Fire is preferable to Raving Derelict on the Subway.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am
+1 Ufford for actually using the word “horsey”
October 16th, 2008 at 9:30 am
CC, use some of that Marine training to take that fucker out.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:32 am
@2port — Yeah, but I have The Best Flow. Well, it’s me or FMRA.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:33 am
IN ROD WE TRUST
October 16th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I call bullshit on that picutre.
Ah, I suppose I should mention that that’s a facsimile of sorts. I don’t want Internet freaks matching up the specific horse to where I live.
Now please, let’s get back to hating babies.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:42 am
bravo for Arcade Fire.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Technically, Back of the End Zone wasn’t even on the field for that play.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:54 am
I hate babies
October 16th, 2008 at 10:04 am
You bought those headphones from the SkyMall catalogue didn’t you? That’s OK, I’ve been thinking about getting the Kevlar gloves so I can have bulletproof gunfingaz.
PEW, PEW, PEW.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I hate baby horses
October 16th, 2008 at 10:17 am
“Don’t thank me, thank THE ROD!”
Oh, and pay phones are still all over New York. No one uses them though, except on the subway.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:25 am
These headphones will add five years to my life.
And even more to your girlfriend’s. Unless, of course, she makes the mistake of lifting one of the phones away from your ear to demand if you heard what she just said about Oprah’s latest book recommendation.
That’s what made me a widower.
Arcade Fire? Really? I guess they didn’t ask, and you didn’t tell.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Hate all you want, folks, but the fan video for “My Body is a Cage” proves that Arcade Fire has the endorsement of 100% he-men like Charlie Bronson.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Next week’s Meast will be the hole that Willie Parker stepped in
October 16th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Anyway, this week’s Meast is… THE BACK OF THE END ZONE!
+1, CC
October 16th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Arcade Fire? Really? I guess they didn’t ask, and you didn’t tell.
Hysterical. And I have no idea who Arcade Fire is.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Is it me, or does that baby look possessed??? Hat McCullough could take care of it….FREE HAT!! FREE HAT!!
/It’s just me
October 16th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I love the idea of the headphones. But, I would be so worried that a homicidal maniac could sneak up on me and murder me with an axe while I worked.
But that’s just me.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:28 am
@TurleyGirlie: Yeah, but in regards to something like that wouldn’t you rather not hear it coming. I mean if you are an axe murder’s target it’s gonna happen regardless. I personally would rather not experience the awkward moments prior to the axe splitting me 6 ways. But that’s just me.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I use the noise canceling headphones work, too. They work great at first, but then after a while you’ll notice that they start to fuck with your hearing.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I like my non-noise canceling headphones. I work in one of Boston’s most popular Crazy People Neighborhoods, and sometimes their ranting syncs up with JSBX or some of the louder tracks on Black Holes and Revelations that’s all kinds of awesome. Also sometimes I like not getting mugged when I’m out in public. Win-win, really.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Ahhh the elusive Judaic Meast of the Week. It’s about as rare as the chupacabra, only less athletic.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
That poor horse, running all day, but getting nowhere. Just round and round, no end in sight. And a pole up its ass.
Who knew that a coin operated horsey was a metaphor for life?
October 16th, 2008 at 11:37 am
christ that wasn’t a sentence in any way shape or form
October 16th, 2008 at 11:49 am
i’m with ape on the arcade fire selection. but i won’t question whatever you do to keep from going on a rampage.
October 16th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
SPREAD THE WEALTH!!
October 16th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
One of the better comment threads this site has seen. Bravo, everybody.
Which one of the Palin children is pictured above?
October 16th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
after a while you’ll notice that they start to fuck with your hearing.
@ CHL : You bought the Earfucker 9000 didn’t you? The one with the penis in the speakers?
October 16th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
@Captain Caveman.
I’ve found you out. Ditmars Boulevard stop on the N train? Am I right? Huh?
On second thought, the only people who ride that horse are drunks stumbling out of the OTB.
October 16th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
You could scare away the parents by pretending to be a pedophile and hang out around the horse after school. Ask Big Daddy Drew I’m sure he does that all the time based off his new picture.
October 16th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
who will sex mutombo: Who knew that a coin operated horsey was a metaphor for life?
J.D. Salinger did.
October 16th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Yes, but do the head phones cancel out the voices in your head?
October 16th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I work in one of Boston’s most popular Crazy People Neighborhoods
Oh, you mean the entire city of Boston?
October 20th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
@ Ocho Cinco
Love the Catcher in the Rye reference. That book will push anyone to the brink