I think we can all agree that football is 200% more awesome in the snow.  The NFL is better when it’s a cold-weather game.  Snow makes shitty games meaningful.  Being able to see linemen’s breath before the snap is, quite simply and for reasons I cannot possibly explain, totally fucking cool.

The drawback to cold-weather football is that it’s unfriendly to the friendliest of NFL employees, our beloved cheerleaders.  For whatever reason, as soon as it drops below 50 degrees, they feel the need to wear more than hot pants and halter tops, ignoring the simple truth that they’d stay warm if they just danced harder.  Alas, their union reps must have won them the rights to wear things like this:

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Brits may not like our version of football, but they are powerless to resist our objectification of women:

THEY’LL [sic] be a little bit of America at Wembley this Sunday when the New Orleans Saints face-off against the San Diego Chargers for only the second ever NFL game played outside of the US.

So to celebrate this and to make our cousins from across the pond feel at home we’ve decided to do a slideshow on that other great American invention, cheerleaders!

Said slideshow is available at the link above, but I prefer this one.  And while we’re talking about American inventions, how ’bout the power of flight?  Does that do anything for ya?

(via PCB)

Terrell Suggs says he misspoke about bounties. “Earlier this week, in the heat of the moment, I mentioned the word ‘bounty’ in regard to our recent game against the Steelers. I misspoke when I said ‘bounty’. What I meant to say was that I and some of my teammates have pooled our assets into a fund that is intended to serve as an inducement for someone to injure Mister Ward and some of his selected associates. I should never have said the word ‘bounty’ and I wish to apologize.”

As you get older, you make trade-offs with your lifestyle.  Downsides: your body starts deteriorating with the half-life of Polonium-214, hangovers get more and more brutal, and you end up spending less and less time with people you really like — especially if you’re married. But there are upsides, too.  For example, with every year that goes by, I become slightly less stupid.  But much more importantly, I’m now comfortable buying lingerie — and not just for myself.  It makes a great gift for women, a gift that they will wear almost immediately after you buy it, and then as many as 0.5 times per year thereafter.

There was a time when going into Victoria’s Secret was so daunting.  I’d go in, eye something frilly, then some woman would ask me if I needed help.  Need help? Is she implying I don’t know anything about lingerie?  Man, I KNOW lingerie.  Why, I took off a woman’s bra off with one hand!  Once!

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And now the surprisingly dull and unexciting story of how Buzz Bissinger ended up blurbing Men With Balls. Iit is, of course, because the man knows Nobel prize-winning toilet literature when he sees it. And because I am a kind and generous lover. Stay tuned for double Sexy Friday posts from Ufford. Now with 35% more boob!

Programming note: Your regularly scheduled installment of poor gambling advice from Unsilent Majority will not be seen in this space today, as KOGOD remains on the Left Coast attending the annual summit of the cabal. Or maybe’s he trying to avoid us on this most special of days.

Anyway, what the fuck are the 49ers doing laying five and a half points? I don’t care if that’s against Seattle, it’s gotta be a joke.

Officer, it’s NOT a shotgun in his pants!!! Santonio Holmes was cited for possession of marijuana Thursday after a traffic stop yesterday. Holmes handed over a few blunts and was issued a misdemeanor citation. Sgt. James Vogel of the Pittsburgh P.D. doesn’t want pissed-off Steelers fans to take out their frustrations over a possible NFL suspension out on him:

Vogel said Holmes was very cooperative, respectful and wasn’t impaired. He thinks that should be taken into account when it comes to any potential action taken against him by the Steelers and the NFL. “We wouldn’t expect a steelworker to be laid off or suspended without pay,” said Vogel. “I wouldn’t expect a police officer, firefighter or a member of the Steelers.”

Actually, most people expect that a cop would get suspended if they were cited for criminal possession. Santonio, expect a terse voicemail from Goodell’s office.

[ wpxi via pft ]

Unsilent Majority, Hip or Huer, A Fantasy/Sex Advice Email, Compound Swear Word, Recitation Of A Post, Holly Anderson, Your Emails. Hosted by Josh Zerkle and Drew Magary.

This ep is 55 minutes long, but don’t get used to that. Still having some sound issues as you can tell; we’re working to get it up to par. Your emails are still encouraged at the Punter addy, with PODCAST in your subject line.

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The first Amazon review of MEN WITH BALLS has come in, and it’s from Deadspin’s own Clay “Richard” Travis, who liked the book despite its glaring lack of SEC football content. Five stars for cronyism! Stick around for the HOUSE OF PUNTE podcast coming up later, featuring the Compound Swear Word of the Day. Hint: It’s not cuntslapper!