In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! I need you to come do something! Let’s go! You gotta help out if you’re gonna stay here, you know.



Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s goin’ on? What do I need to do?

Marvin: I need you to feed the dog.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. What’s the scoop?

Marvin: Just open up a can of Alpo, empty it into his dish, and cut it up a bit so he can eat it easily. Then put it on the floor.

Ocho: That’s it?

Marvin: Yeah.

Ocho: How come he’s not eating with us?

Marvin: What do you mean?

Ocho: How come he has to eat on the floor? Why can’t he eat with us at the dinner table?

Marvin: Because he’s a dog. He can’t sit at a table. Or use a knife and fork.

Ocho: I think you’re wrong. I think you’re just too lazy to train him to do that.

Marvin: No, it’s not me being lazy. It’s that training a dog to use dining utensils is an impossibility. They physically cannot do it.

Ocho: See, I think that’s some bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve seen a dog do that.

Marvin: Where?

Ocho: On the TV. I saw this dog sitting at the table, eating a steak, and then this big cracka rooster came up to him and was like, “I SAY I SAY I SAY, BOY! I reckon that you and that chickenhawk are in cahoots!”

Marvin: Okay, that was “Foghorn Leghorn”. That’s a cartoon. A drawing. That didn’t actually happen. A dog can’t do that.

Ocho: Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.

Marvin: No, he drew it from his imagination. He never saw a dog actually using a knife and fork. He created a mental image of it and then drew it from that mental image.

Ocho: Oh, so you’re telling me that Mr. Cartoon Man is all superpowered like that? PLEASE.

Marvin: Again, he drew it from imagination. There are many things in the world that are not physically possible, but that doesn’t stop us from imagining those things happening. It’s quite a common ability. For instance, if I were to, I don’t know, create a mental image of you passing a remedial reading test, that’s my IMAGINATION at work. That would never actually happen.

Ocho: Yeah, but why couldn’t a dog eat with a knife and fork? Why is that so hard? We teach them to sit. We teach them to roll over. We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.

Marvin: No, we don’t teach them to foil Dr. Claw. That’s Brain, the dog from “Inspector Gadget.” Again, a cartoon.

Ocho: I’m just saying it seems very lazy, is all. I think maybe you don’t WANT to eat with the dog. That, if you had to eat dinner with the dog, you might have to talk about stuff you don’t really want to talk about.

Marvin: Dogs can’t talk, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should.

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they should! They should be able to eat dinner with you, and talk, and play baseball with you, just like Bugs Bunny can.

Marvin: Rabbits cannot play baseball.

Ocho: Yes, they can! They’re fucking great at it! They catch their own pop flies and shit!

Marvin: Again, Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. A two-dimensional drawing. Rabbits can’t play baseball. They lack the hand-eye coordination. In fact, they lack hands altogether.

Ocho: But, if they DID have hands, then they could play baseball.

Marvin: But they don’t have hands.

Ocho: But they COULD. I see hands lying around all the time. There’s no reason we couldn’t, like, stitch that shit on a rabbit, so that he could play baseball with the rest of us.

Marvin: What do you mean, you see hands lying around all the time?

Ocho: Like in “Addams Family Values”. There was this hand running around all over the place. And it seemed like a waste, you know? Because some rabbit out there could use that hand, and it was just wasting time running around on its own. Why not get THAT hand and put it on a rabbit?

Marvin: Okay, that hand is called Thing. And Thing is not a real hand. That was a computerized effect. There aren’t random, active, living severed hands skittering about. And, even if there were, why would we put them on rabbits when there are real people out there, burn victims and what not, who could use those hands more? You see the flaw in your reasoning? How are you even going to attach it to the rabbit? It doesn’t have a fucking WRIST. Attaching a hand to someone means dealing with an incredibly complex network of blood vessels, nerves, and muscle tissue.

Ocho: How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!

Marvin: I’m telling you, a rabbit would reject that hand. It doesn’t have the capacity to use a human hand, even if you stitched it on. Which you can’t. Because, again, it has no arm. Or wrist.

Ocho: It don’t need a wrist. You could just attach it to the head of the rabbit.

Marvin: You want to attach it to the rabbit’s head?

Ocho: Yeah. That way, you can really see it waving from center field. It’d be all like, “THIS FLY BALL IS MINE, BITCHES!” It could play baseball, or basketball.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. Rabbits cannot play basketball.

Ocho: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I ASKED YOU TO FEED THE FUCKING DOG. WHY CAN’T I ASK YOU TO DO A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT RABBITS RUNNING AROUND WITH FUCKING HANDS SEWN ONTO THEIR HEADS? WHAT FUCKING GALAXY DO YOU COME FROM? DID AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION SEND YOU HERE TO FUCKING DESTROY US ALL WITH YOUR NUCLEAR IDIOCY?

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T WIN A GAME, YOU FUCKING SAVANT. WE CAN’T WIN A GAME BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THE FOCUS OF A GODDAMN SHOTGUN BLAST. MY BRAIN HURTS. MY FUCKING BRAIN HURTS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB. EVERY TIME, CHAD. EVERY TIME I TALK YOU, I NEED FUCKING EXCEDRIN BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO CONTEMPLATE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?

Ocho: See now, Bugs Bunny knows a doc. So I bet he could help get your head looked at. Ray Lewis can probably give you a referral too, if you want.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.