Ocho And Marvin, Under One Roof! The Dog Episode
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! I need you to come do something! Let’s go! You gotta help out if you’re gonna stay here, you know.
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s goin’ on? What do I need to do?
Marvin: I need you to feed the dog.
Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. What’s the scoop?
Marvin: Just open up a can of Alpo, empty it into his dish, and cut it up a bit so he can eat it easily. Then put it on the floor.
Ocho: That’s it?
Marvin: Yeah.
Ocho: How come he’s not eating with us?
Marvin: What do you mean?
Ocho: How come he has to eat on the floor? Why can’t he eat with us at the dinner table?
Marvin: Because he’s a dog. He can’t sit at a table. Or use a knife and fork.
Ocho: I think you’re wrong. I think you’re just too lazy to train him to do that.
Marvin: No, it’s not me being lazy. It’s that training a dog to use dining utensils is an impossibility. They physically cannot do it.
Ocho: See, I think that’s some bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve seen a dog do that.
Marvin: Where?
Ocho: On the TV. I saw this dog sitting at the table, eating a steak, and then this big cracka rooster came up to him and was like, “I SAY I SAY I SAY, BOY! I reckon that you and that chickenhawk are in cahoots!”
Marvin: Okay, that was “Foghorn Leghorn”. That’s a cartoon. A drawing. That didn’t actually happen. A dog can’t do that.
Ocho: Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.
Marvin: No, he drew it from his imagination. He never saw a dog actually using a knife and fork. He created a mental image of it and then drew it from that mental image.
Ocho: Oh, so you’re telling me that Mr. Cartoon Man is all superpowered like that? PLEASE.
Marvin: Again, he drew it from imagination. There are many things in the world that are not physically possible, but that doesn’t stop us from imagining those things happening. It’s quite a common ability. For instance, if I were to, I don’t know, create a mental image of you passing a remedial reading test, that’s my IMAGINATION at work. That would never actually happen.
Ocho: Yeah, but why couldn’t a dog eat with a knife and fork? Why is that so hard? We teach them to sit. We teach them to roll over. We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.
Marvin: No, we don’t teach them to foil Dr. Claw. That’s Brain, the dog from “Inspector Gadget.” Again, a cartoon.
Ocho: I’m just saying it seems very lazy, is all. I think maybe you don’t WANT to eat with the dog. That, if you had to eat dinner with the dog, you might have to talk about stuff you don’t really want to talk about.
Marvin: Dogs can’t talk, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, but they should.
Marvin: But they can’t.
Ocho: But they should.
Marvin: But they can’t.
Ocho: But they should.
Marvin: But they can’t.
Ocho: But they should! They should be able to eat dinner with you, and talk, and play baseball with you, just like Bugs Bunny can.
Marvin: Rabbits cannot play baseball.
Ocho: Yes, they can! They’re fucking great at it! They catch their own pop flies and shit!
Marvin: Again, Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. A two-dimensional drawing. Rabbits can’t play baseball. They lack the hand-eye coordination. In fact, they lack hands altogether.
Ocho: But, if they DID have hands, then they could play baseball.
Marvin: But they don’t have hands.
Ocho: But they COULD. I see hands lying around all the time. There’s no reason we couldn’t, like, stitch that shit on a rabbit, so that he could play baseball with the rest of us.
Marvin: What do you mean, you see hands lying around all the time?
Ocho: Like in “Addams Family Values”. There was this hand running around all over the place. And it seemed like a waste, you know? Because some rabbit out there could use that hand, and it was just wasting time running around on its own. Why not get THAT hand and put it on a rabbit?
Marvin: Okay, that hand is called Thing. And Thing is not a real hand. That was a computerized effect. There aren’t random, active, living severed hands skittering about. And, even if there were, why would we put them on rabbits when there are real people out there, burn victims and what not, who could use those hands more? You see the flaw in your reasoning? How are you even going to attach it to the rabbit? It doesn’t have a fucking WRIST. Attaching a hand to someone means dealing with an incredibly complex network of blood vessels, nerves, and muscle tissue.
Ocho: How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!
Marvin: I’m telling you, a rabbit would reject that hand. It doesn’t have the capacity to use a human hand, even if you stitched it on. Which you can’t. Because, again, it has no arm. Or wrist.
Ocho: It don’t need a wrist. You could just attach it to the head of the rabbit.
Marvin: You want to attach it to the rabbit’s head?
Ocho: Yeah. That way, you can really see it waving from center field. It’d be all like, “THIS FLY BALL IS MINE, BITCHES!” It could play baseball, or basketball.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t. Rabbits cannot play basketball.
Ocho: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I ASKED YOU TO FEED THE FUCKING DOG. WHY CAN’T I ASK YOU TO DO A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT RABBITS RUNNING AROUND WITH FUCKING HANDS SEWN ONTO THEIR HEADS? WHAT FUCKING GALAXY DO YOU COME FROM? DID AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION SEND YOU HERE TO FUCKING DESTROY US ALL WITH YOUR NUCLEAR IDIOCY?
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T WIN A GAME, YOU FUCKING SAVANT. WE CAN’T WIN A GAME BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THE FOCUS OF A GODDAMN SHOTGUN BLAST. MY BRAIN HURTS. MY FUCKING BRAIN HURTS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB. EVERY TIME, CHAD. EVERY TIME I TALK YOU, I NEED FUCKING EXCEDRIN BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO CONTEMPLATE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?
Ocho: See now, Bugs Bunny knows a doc. So I bet he could help get your head looked at. Ray Lewis can probably give you a referral too, if you want.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, dogs, ocho and marvin, OOH CHIMPANCY THAT! MONKEY NEWS!, rabbits, sexy metal pants, the black Karl Pilkington
October 8th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Easily as funny as Tina Fey doing Palin.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!
See, it’s the little things that make the post special.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
It’s all about the opposable thumbs, Chad.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
My god this is insane. You were clearly stoned off your ass today in order to imagine this scenario and write about it…
…or did it really happen? Will we see rabbits with hand heads one day soon? Hmmm. Too much to think about, must get blazed now.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I knew this guy. Only in my world he was white and has four names with III at the end! Notice I used past tense… yeah sombody offed him.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Marvin calling Ocho a savant made my day.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Why would a rabbit oppose thumbs? That doesn’t make any sense coach…
October 8th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Dogs can do karate, I saw Hong Kong Phooey do it a bunch of times.
/anyone else here old enough to remember Hong Kong Phooey?
October 8th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
“We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.”
Ah, dammit. That one got me.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
i thought it wouldnt get funnier than foiling dr claw. then “but they should/but they cant”. then giving rabbits hands. but comparing rabbits with head-hands to nba players definitely takes the cake.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I am a fan of Hong Kong Phooey, and happy to hear my nieces enjoy him now so old is relative.
Everytime I see or hear of Chad I always go to this “Marvin / Chad” discussion.
My favorite: even a slam at Greece basketball!
Chad: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I used to love that whenever they would show Inspector Gadget’s closet in the cartoon it was always full of a bunch of trench coats just like the one he always wore. It was delightfully logical when I was 5, but now it just seems a little creepy.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
UU, I got your back.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
@Spanky:
John Sidney Mc Cain III? But he’s not quite “offed” yet…
October 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
yep, it’s confirmed, it had to be Drew that posted the weed theory today. There is no way humanly possible anyone could think of this hilarious shit without being seriously tanked from some hi-end ganja!
October 8th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
this ongoing series is really making me feel for Mr. Lewis, and hating The Chad.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
These bits remind me of the old Get Smart with Maxwell and the Chief. I keep waiting for Chad to suggest the Cone of Silence.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Oh, and Ocho Cinco is voting for Obama. Just thought I’d point that out.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
@j4b, dAndy: Same here. First thought was the author has been severly stoned all day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Ocho Cinco endorsing Obama? Things might me looking up for McCain.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Which receiver is dumber than shit? That one.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I bet Jerry Jones taught his dog to use a fork and knife.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@ Favre’s Next
MY DOG IS GONNA BE A GODDAMN STAR!
October 8th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Awesome. I’m still not sick of these.
October 8th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
If these guys aren’t featured in “Men With Balls”, I’m not buying it.
Ok, I’ll still buy it, but there better be swear words!!!
October 8th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I saw a bunch of them mutherfucka’s playing cards and shit once.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@Upstate Underdog:
He’s the #1 Super Guy!
October 8th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
All the focus of a shotgun blast. Thank you for that, I’ll be using it on my kids at homework time.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
when does Housh visit?
October 8th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
this was the best ocho and marvin yet
October 8th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
chad johnson’s life makes a lot more sense once you realize it’s based on cartoons aired before 1987.
October 8th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
@Shinons: No one’s listening to that retard anyway. Now if I endorse Obama, maaaan lemme tell ya.
ZOMG LANDSLIDE!!!11!1!1!!!!!
October 8th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Next episode Lewis should try to explain to him that he is on certain people’s (though thankfully not my) fantasy football teams.
THAT WOULD BLOW CHAD’S FUCKING MIND!!!
October 8th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
“Sexy metal pants” tag?
Damn, Drew
October 8th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Ocho and Marvin is the best comic pairing on here, although I would love me some more Kurt ‘n Kitna though. I can only imagine they’d have a lot to talk about. Maybe they’d be investigating Marinelli since he loves his players so much?
October 8th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
I know it’s very, very late, but is Chad wearing a piece of beige rug on his head?
October 8th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
my favorite part is always when marvin loses his shit. reminds me of me.
/vaguely remembers hong kong fooey
October 8th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
“How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!”
Well, it’s clear this was no ordinary time.
A big +1 to you Mr. Magary.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
“Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.”
Holy shit! Chad’s discovered the underlying flaw in Book X of Plato’s Republic. Genius.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Sooooo……I was waiting for them to make up & kiss…just like Sunday
October 8th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Dogs have got human eyes.
October 8th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I’m certainly old enough to remember Hong Kong Phooey. In fact, I’m so old that I’m beginning to understand Chad’s logic.
/Metamucil and bourbon? Goddamn right!
October 8th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I love that this is obviously a fantasy. There’s no way that Chad isn’t smarter than Marvin. Chad is actively trying to get the fuck out of Cincinatti.
/my twin bed talks in twin language
October 8th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
haha, i love the “black karl pilkington” tag. If only Ocho Cinco’s head was also shaped like an orange
October 9th, 2008 at 12:22 am
It was all pretty funny until: “Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.”
Fucking lost it after that. And Hong Kong Phooey was the #1 super guy.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:17 am
My dog is smart enough to not want to eat with us at the table or let on he knows what we’re talking about. He’s like Mr. Peabody but we don’t have a Sherman ‘n shit.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:42 am
eastend, that’s some old school shit there. Next week, try explaining the whole talking flying squirrel thing.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:52 am
I know you don’t like to cross reference these things, but if Rongrastname ever came over for a sleepover with Ocho Cinco I would literally piss my pants at work*
*for other reasons other than my unstable bladder control and penchant for drinking heavily at work.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:52 am
I do again get the reference.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Awesome. When do Marvin and Wade meet in a support group?
October 9th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Gotta call foul on incorrect usage of the word ’savant.’ And if you were going for some kind of irony-through-hyperbole, it didn’t take.
July 2nd, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Interesting..