(January 21, 2009)

Barry: We did it, Honey.

Michelle: No, sweetheart. YOU did it.

Barry: No, no, no. This was never about me. This was a movement of millions of Americans, white and black, young and old. These were people who were motivated to get out there and DO SOMETHING, to change the direction this country is going in. It’s a bright new day, because we’re all in this together now. I’ve always believed that a man cannot be successful without having the good fortune of encountering, along the way, people endowed with a spirit of helpfulness and generosity. And today, I consider myself a very rich man in that sense.

We’ve got a lot of tough challenges ahead. But I learned long ago that this nation has always found, in its darkest times, its grandest ideas. We’ve always come out of times like this as a stronger, better nation. And I’m convinced we are on that path again today. And it all starts here! Can you believe we made it?

Michelle: Ooh, I’m so excited! Let’s walk into our new house.

(White House door flies open)

Barry: What the…?

Barry: Who are all these people? Why are there empty Kool-Aid pitchers all over the place?



Ocho: Whoa ho yo! There he is! There’s the man! My man! My motherfuckin’ ‘Rack! How the fuck you doing, Barry?

Barry: What are you doing here?

Ocho: Oh, well I took it upon myself to move into our crib a little ahead of schedule. I thought that would be the polite thing to do. Besides, Coach Lewis kept yelling at me about how chickens can’t play raquetball. BUT HE’S WRONG ABOUT THAT SHIT.

Barry: With all due respect, Mr. Johnson…

Ocho: Ocho. Call me Ocho. Johnson is my maiden name now.

Barry: Umm… Anyway, Ocho. I don’t know why you’re here. You’re a very talented football player. But I don’t know you. I have no relation to you. I don’t know why you saw fit to move into our new home without asking us.

Ocho: No relation? NO RELATION? Look at you, man.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: Now, look at me.

Barry: Okay.

Ocho: I rest my case. BROTHERS. FOR LIFE.

Barry: Okay, we are not actually brothers. “Brother,” in that sense, is used as a term of affection between African-American men. It does not mean we are literally brothers. You are not a member of my immediate family.

Ocho: How do you know that, though? For all I know, I COULD be your brother.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could.

Barry: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, I could! You don’t know about, like, DNA and shit! For all you know, they could have switched up birth records. We could be TWINS.

Barry: I’m 47 years old, Chad. We couldn’t possibly be twins.

Ocho: Yeah, but how do you know you’re 47? Aren’t you from Hawaii?

Barry: Yes.

Ocho: Well, that means you’re on that fucked up Hawaii time. You may only be 47 years old in HAWAII TIME. See what I mean?

Barry: No, no, that isn’t how it works. Hawaii is in a different time zone. But years are still 365 days long. It’s not like dog years.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that. What if all dogs came from Hawaii? Think about THAT. Then dog years and Hawaii time would be all together. That’s some real “X-Files” shit right there.

Barry: Okay, ALL dogs are not from Hawaii.

Ocho: But they could be. I’ve seen them do that doggie paddle. They could have all swum over after coming out of the volcano. You should have Congress look into that.

Barry: Look, I really don’t have time for this. You seem like a nice fellow, Chad. But this is our home. And we’d prefer our privacy.

Ocho: Yeah, I know. It’s OUR home. That’s why we showed up early. Wanted to get first dibs on a bed. Also, I took the liberty of cleaning out the fridge. There wasn’t nothing but white people food in there. Like salad. Who the fuck eats salad? So we picked up whole SHITLOAD of chicken and put it in that bitch. We gonna eat good!

Barry: You can’t do that!

Ocho: I also redecorated the joint. They had pictures of these old white guys in wigs all over the place. I just tossed that shit right out. I got you a Scarface poster AND a Carlito’s Way poster. And they’re FRAMED. How nice will that look? There was also this sort of round office…

Barry: The OVAL Office.

Ocho: No, I think you’re wrong Barry. It was ROUND. Anyway. I cleared out all the boring shit in there and had them put in the hot tub. Fucking NICE.

Barry: Okay, this has gone way too far. This is OUR home, and you are not included in that grouping. This house is for my wife, my children and I. You cannot stay here.

Ocho: You can’t kick us out! We’re the first one’s here! LOOK OUTSIDE!

Barry: What?

(looks outside)

Barry: Oh, Lord.

Ocho: What you think, everyone crowded outside just to say HI? Motherfucker, we need a place to STAY. And you got the nicest place outta anyone we know. I’m surprised at you, Barry. I thought you’d be cool like that. Where the fuck are we gonna go? All my life, I’ve dreamed of seeing a black man in the White House, and then mooching off of that black man. Now you’re gonna deny me that dream. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT THE HOPE, BARRY!

Barry: This is not what I meant by that. The audacity of hope, and the audacity to force your way into a stranger’s living room, are not the same thing.

Ocho: Well, you sure didn’t get that point across BEFORE. We’re HERE now. You really just gonna kick us out like that? I already grabbed a couple million out of the Treasury just for flash money.

Barry: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!

Ocho: Why not? That’s reparations. I need to be REPAIRED, Barry.

Barry: Okay, I’ve had just about enough. You need to leave now, or I will have security escort you out.

Ocho: Oh, I see. So that’s how it’s gonna be? Brother finally gets out there and makes good, becomes the goddamn PRESIDENT, and then he gonna go forget about his ROOTS? That is fucking BULLSHIT! Motherfuckin’ George Bush spent fucking EIGHT YEARS here giving shit to white people! And you can’t help out Ocho and 14,567,920 of his closest family members? You ain’t nothing more than President Bryant Gumbel, BITCH! To think I almost voted for you.

Barry: You didn’t vote?

Ocho: Nuh nuh. They make you fill out all these forms and shit. Hell no, I didn’t vote. But I sure as hell ROOTED for your ass.

Barry: Okay. Let me make this very plain. I am inspired and delighted that my election has caused such joy and pride in our African-American community. And, indeed, I think we have now raised the standard of what a black man can achieve in America today. But my election does not give you carte blanche to leech off of my family, or the American Treasury.

Ocho: Yeah, but you could CHANGE all that, right?

Barry: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DUMBEST FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER PRODUCED? THE FACT THAT I AM NOW PRESIDENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO SLEEP IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, OR EAT MY FUCKING FOOD, OR FORCE ME TO LOOK INTO THE HAWAIIAN ORIGINS OF CANINES. IT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE TWIN BROTHERS. AND THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND MY OFFSPRING IF THAT WERE THE CASE.

I AM HERE TO CHANGE HOW THIS COUNTRY FUNDAMENTALLY OPERATES. I AM NOT HERE TO REINFORCE ALL THE STUPID SHIT WE AS A PEOPLE, BLACK AND WHITE, ARE ALREADY DOING. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM HERE TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN, NOT TO ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE OVAL OFFICE IS ACTUALLY AN OVAL. ARE YOU THAT FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU FUCKING SARAH PALIN RETARDED?

Ocho: See, I still don’t think it’s an oval. Ray Lewis moved into the basement last week. Let’s go ask him.

Barry: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.