Now That I’m No Longer Coaching, I Can Get Back To Doing What I Love Best: Curing Gays
I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled I am to see the Redskins get off to such a great start this year, especially after that big, big win against the Cowboys. It’s comforting to know that I left the team in such capable hands. I think that team’s got a real bright future, and I take great pride in what we were able to accomplish when I was there. Heck, we even went to the playoffs twice!
(big dorky laugh)
As for me, I’m trying not to get too caught up in football these days. I still follow the Skins, and I still love my racing teams. But in the twilight of my life, I’m grateful that I now have a chance to do what I truly love, namely curing gays.
People, God has a game plan for all of us. And that game plan includes faith and family. But you know what it doesn’t include? Tossing on a pair of leather chaps, heading down to the local rainbow bar, and tongue-basting the first sweaty cock you can get your hands on. No, sirree. That isn’t what God wants at all. You’re not going to get on the path to victory if that path includes numerous breaks at rest stops for a random ass-stuffing. If you want to be a winner in life, you have to…
SHUN THAT COCK.
I’ve traveled all across the nation since I’ve retired, and I’ve met so many young men that say to me, “Coach Gibbs, I want to be a winner in life and give glory to Jesus. But I just can’t resist the urge engage in hour-long torture orgies with my fellow parishioners, licking up all the man-frosting I can find.” These are good Christian men, just like you and me, who want to do right by the Lord. They want to lead good Christian lives, and keep the Devil out of their pants. They want to be good role models for their children, and not pleasant but distant fathers who have mustaches and live in Key West, holding baby oil buttbang parades every Tuesday night.
I feel so blessed to have a chance to work with these men, all across the country. To show them that the best play in life is the end around, and not a blast up the middle. I love football, and I love cars. But, to me, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of having a cured homosexual look me in the eyes and tell me, “Coach Gibbs, I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t teabagged a stablehand in over 40 days.” That’s better than winning a Super Bowl, I tell you. Because it means I’m making an impact on real lives, by making sure our young men don’t spend their weekends having their stools impacted with pool boy dong.
So what is God’s plan for putting you back on the winning, non-dickgobbling team? Well, we came up with a simple 10-step plan:
1. Admit that you have a cock problem.
2. Admit that you have no control over the problem, especially when Cuban men are around, because Cuban men are so fucking hot.
3. Admit that, only by turning yourself over to the Lord, will you be able to stop getting snaked like a tub drain every week.
4. Apologize to those whose dicks you sucked.
5. Apologize to your wife and children for sucking dick.
6. If you find yourself relapsing, call your sponsor immediately. DO NOT USE YOUR SPONSOR TO TURN IT INTO A THREE-WAY.
7. Attend regular meetings. Bring fruit salad.
8. Stop wearing cutoffs.
9. If you find yourself sucking a dick, remember that you’re just killing Jesus all over again.
10. Take life one vagina at a time.
Using these steps, and advanced waterboarding techniques, we’ve helped thousands of young men avoid the churrascarria of hot beef kebabs out there, and turn to a life of faith and goodness. It’s amazing to see what kind of difference you can make out there, especially if you threaten people with total community exile, veiled threats of physical violence, and visions of Satan flogging them to death with his fiery whip for time eternal. I may have a few trick plays up my sleeve, but that’s nothing compared to what’s in Jesus’ playbook!
In the past year alone, we’ve cured over 3,000 men infected with homosexuality. You should see the looks on their faces now! They seem to be happier than ever! Because they forged a deep and meaningful relationship with Christ, and not with Jake from the laundromat. I’m trying to bring about a return to glory, and not a return to glory holes.
And that’s what God’s game plan is all about. More Redskins, less red foreskins. We all have our calling in life. And I’m lucky to be here right now, doing what I know God wants me to do. So get that cock out of your mouth! We’ve got a game of life to win!
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
“Hey you, stop being gay.”
Do as I say, not as I do…
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
8. Stop wearing cutoffs.
What about cutoffs under your regular clohtes? There are dozens of us!
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Put me in, coach!
/quinn’d
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:05 pm
That “BOOM” y’all in suburban DC just heard was the top of Maj’s skull exploding.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
My name is Tony Dungy, and I approved this message.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
More Redskins, less red foreskins.
You win, Drew.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
gibbs is gonna have to realize there are some who just don’t wanna be saved.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Joey Porter supports this crusade.
/FIX YO’ MOUF
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
If you find yourself relapsing, call your sponsor immediately. DO NOT USE YOUR SPONSOR TO TURN IT INTO A THREE-WAY.
Hilarious, and undoubtedly a common occurance.
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I heard he’s bringing Charles Haley in to help with the interventions.
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
*whines* That’s not sexy at all.
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
el duke, i too am a nevernude
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I always get Joe Gibbs and Lou Holtz confused… now i will never have that problem again.
THANKS DREW!
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Micheal Westbrook, Kordel Stewert, and Jeff Garcia have already signed up for meetings.
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
“I’m trying to bring about a return to glory, and not a return to glory holes.”
And the partitions make it so I can’t see who is on the other side. I can pretend it’s a hot chick…
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Whattaya mean I can’t send in Ol’ Ricky Ervins on 4th and 1?
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Dude milk is for the ladies, fellas. Make a personal relationship with God, not with Jesus . . . the gardener.
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Can I call a time out during the gay orgy to get right with Jesus?
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Is it true the password for the gay orgy is “gay orgy”?
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
“So get that cock out of your mouth! We’ve got a game of life to win!” - Made Rockne and Lombardi roll in their graves.
and@slothrop: Consult Romeo Krennel on the timeout call.
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
What about the Rams? They can’t help but suck every Sunday.
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
The gay orgy has a great buffet…
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Tossing on a pair of leather chaps, heading down to the local rainbow bar, and tongue-basting the first sweaty cock you can get your hands on.
That sounds vivid enough to make me thing ol Coach knows a thing or two about tongue-basting cock.
/Did this site go down for about an hour? Couldn’t access shit.
//Maj is coming to kill you Drew
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
You mean there really are “gay” people out there in the world. I thought that was just on TV or if someone was “gay” they were really happy like in the Christmas songs.
/calling my mom to tell her about this wackiness
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
@senor mullet
Really? I didn’t see you at the convention
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Graphic.
October 3rd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Is there a program to cure women of their non-bisexuality? My girlfriend needs to get a hot cheerlleader sponsor and let me attend the meetings.
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:22 pm
#9 was the cockstopping moment of my life
Thank You Drew
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Damn straight.
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I think a picture of Chris Cooley’s shorty-schlong will de-bonerfy his lavender constituency. Oddly enough, Gibbs keeps such a photo in his wallet at all times….
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
this post alone makes up for y’all opening the door yesterday to those racist batshit visitor comments. kudos to those of you who honored them with a response and then stood your respective ground.
“DO NOT USE YOUR SPONSOR TO TURN IT INTO A THREE-WAY.” by itself makes this a KSK Klassic.
October 4th, 2008 at 12:02 am
This is some of the hottest porno literature I’ve ever read. Kudos.
Also, Always Sunny references FTW! That shadow dick was impressive…
October 4th, 2008 at 2:01 am
@ El Duke:
Annyong!
October 4th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Ich don’t think so.
October 4th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
“DO NOT USE YOUR SPONSOR TO TURN IT INTO A THREE-WAY.” ummm…. I thought that was why they’re there. No wonder AA doesn’t work.
October 4th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
““DO NOT USE YOUR SPONSOR TO TURN IT INTO A THREE-WAY.” ”
not wanting to beat a dead ”B/Favaro” but this seems like it could be t-shirt ready . . .