SEVERAL WEEKS AGO.
MATT MILLEN: Thank you, Joyce. This is Matt.
VOICE ON THE OTHER END: Heydere yabigol’ hushpuppy howjew liketah gitta bigol’ win’ginst thatthere Grinbay Pecker teem thisuh Sundey?
MATT MILLEN: Sir, can you hang on just one second? (covers receiver) Joyce! I’ve got it! You can hang up now!
OTHER END: Aingonna sithere onminoo walkietalkie toolong soyoo wamme hel-peyoo outdere or nosir, whatzit gonnbee now?
MATT MILLEN: Are you…calling from a walkie talkie?
OTHER END: Well… it’s cordless.
MATT: Joyce! I can still hear you shuffling papers out there! Hang up the phone!
OTHER END: Seedem Peckers fixin torrundaball atcha but yew keepon runnin atdat whiteboyen yoo gonna gettafyoo tickles’hind dat lynnuh scrimmige lemme tell ya.
MATT: Sir, Could I get your name, please?
OTHER END: Uh…my name? Name’s Bart.
OTHER END: Yessir, Bart Majkowski.
MATT: Bart, do you have a daytime number where I can…JOYCE! HANG! UP THAT PHONE FOR SHIT’S SAKE! YOU’RE TYPING! RIGHT INTO MY GODDAMN EAR!
OTHER END: Aw, commondere hushpuppy, y’all dunneed tagit steemin likah kittyonna hot tin ruuf dere, lemme tell ya.
MATT: Sir, slow down. What is this about hush money?
OTHER END: Cummondere, effeyum fixinta tawkinny slowuriddabe tawkinbackwurs nowyabigg hushpuppy. Yewanna beetdem Peckers ernot?
MATT: Are you calling my pecker a Hush Puppy? Are you attempting to blackmail me?
OTHER END: Well fuggitden. [hangs up]
MATT: Sir, I can’t understand you. Sir? You’re speaking to another human being, not the local critters IN THE FOREST JOYCE HANG UP THAT GODDAMN PHONE OR I WILL CHOKE THE LIFE FROM YOUR BODY! Hello? HELLO!! MOTHERFUCKER!
JOYCE: [walks in] Sir, I think there’s something wrong with the phones!
MATT: OH, YOU THINK?! I OUGHTA JUST…I’m sorry, Joyce. Please forgive me. But I… I can’t help but wonder what that little backwater man was trying to share with me on his walkie talkie. Some of that information, any of it, really, if it were relayed in proper English, could have been the stepping stone to victory that this team, this whole organization, so desperately needs. I don’t know what Bart Majkowski was trying to tell me, but I’m afraid that I just let the promise of certain victory slip from my very fingers.
MATT: …but why do I give a fuck? I’m gonna be here forever!
-Thanks, Danny, or whatever your name was.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.