I was watching one of those boring as shit debates last night when one old bald tardbilly asked the candidates, “For us old people who have lost a lot of money, what are you going to do to help us get it back?” Now, neither douchebag on stage had the balls to tell this guy, “Sorry, old fogy. YOU BE FUCKED.” In fact, neither candidate had much of an idea about anything, apart from some tax cut and health care bullshit that our broke-ass government almost certainly can’t fucking afford.
People, we need a solution. We can’t just keep doing the same old crap. We gotta, like, innovate and shit. This economy’s going into the shitter because so much of it is based on speculation and piggybacking on top of other industries. We gotta start producing more real, actual, useful shit for people to buy. But new, thriving industries don’t just spring up overnight.
OR DO THEY?
People, we at KSK once again have devised a simple, radical solution to our nation’s ills, to help get our economy back into fighting shape. Three words: LEGALIZE IT, FUCKFACES. That’s right. It’s time to legalize pot. Weed. Mary Jane. The sticky icky. The Chronic. The kush. The green monster. The skunky unky. The splendid spliffer. Vick’s cash crop. Travis Henry’s Birf Control.
You know, that stuff.
Think about it. How much money do we fucking wipe our asses with trying to prosecute weed dealing, weed smoking, weed trafficking, weed growing, weed harvesting, and weed bikini stitching? I bet it’s like, billions. I would look up the exact figure, but I’m stoned right now.
And how big is the entire illegal marijuana industry? How much untaxed money is collectively made by dope dealers, and dope runners, and rectal dope smugglers? I bet it’s like, TRILLIONS. Again, I would look up the exact figure. But I’m stoned right now.
People, we are sitting on a fucking gold mine here. If we legalize weed, BOOM! You got yourself a whole burgeoning mini-economy. Rural farmers would start making money growing weed. Urban hash bars would start making money serving weed. EZ Wider stock would go through the fucking ROOF. American snack makers like Tastykake would see records profits. Mmmm… Tastykake. God, that sounds so fucking good right now.
Increased tax revenues would pay down our debts. And accounting firms would boom, because everyone would be too stoned to fill out a tax form properly.
TOURISM! Holy shit, think of the fucking tourism! Legal weed and a cheap dollar? People would fucking SWIM to get here and start toking. You’re telling me I can smoke weed legally without having to deal with all those creepy Dutch fuckers? WINNAR. Imagine if weed were legal in Miami. With all those hot bodies sweatin’ and bumpin’ and grindin’. MONEYGASM.
Sales of weed and weed supplies could help jump start the whole fucking system. Gigantic head shop/KFC/Philly Blunt outlets could bully Wal Mart out of existence. TAKE THAT, WALTON FAMILY!
Health care costs would plummet. People would need less prescription drugs, or would be too lazy to get them filled. Hypochondriacs would stop going to the doctor every five minutes and just chill the fuck out. Less people would have the energy to pursue costly litigation.
Furthermore, legalizing weed could lead to a massive national brainstorm of how we could solve all our other problems. “Hey man, what if we like, harnessed the power of the fucking DOLPHINS?” Indeed, why AREN’T we harnessing the power of the dolphins? We could do that! Goodbye, foreign energy dependence! We got all the power we need in Flipper right here.
Best of all, even if legalizing weed failed to bring the economy back, no one would care. Know why? BECAUSE WE’D ALL BE STONED. How fucking bad can it be if you’ve got cheap KB readily available to you day and night? Not bad at all, people. And anyone who says otherwise can go get fucked.
Now, legalizing weed is just one step in our KSK Sexy Master Plan For National Revitalization From Sin-Based Initiatives (KSKSMPFNRFSBI). Our platform also pushes for the national legalization of gambling in all forms (even death pools), and of prostitution. All prostitutes. Female prostitutes. Male prostitutes. Midget prostitutes. All legal. All taxable. All highly naughty. Know what the fastest growing town in America is? Vegas. Well, why not just make the whole country that way? What would suck about that? Nothing, that’s what.
These are tough times, people. It requires us to completely rethink how and why we do things. I’m talking real Freakonomic shit here. We’ve never herded Boston fans into sweatshops to make bedsheets for the world market. But shouldn’t we? I say yes.
It all starts with a weed-based economy, my friends. If you care about the economic health of this great nation, you will join me in saying for the world to hear:
TOKE, BABY, TOKE
I want more like this!
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