KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag: Featuring Your Girlfriend’s Naughty Sister
Welcome to the latest edition of the KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag, the only place on the internet to seek advice on your flex position as well as your sex positions. We have a lot to cover, so continue after the jump to dive in to all of the week’s best emails.
Last week I was having sex with my girlfriend when her sister [they're roommates] walked in to the apartment and proceeded to run into my girlfriend’s room to tell her something about school. Without a beat, I hoped up fully sheathed and jumped five feet over the bed. Couple of minutes go by and the sisters have their gigglefest about the situation. I don’t give a shit. My cock is worth the discussions. Anyway, the other day my girlfriend’s sister comes up to me and we start bullshitting. She compliments me on my size and I compliment her on her massive breasts. Needless to say, she drops trough and whips out her funbags for me to admire on a strip club level. These things were sculpted by the Lord Jesus with such precision and care. Now the question — should I go for the sister? The girlfriend is alright but her sister is on another level of depravity and awesomeness that you rarely find in a chick willing to have sex with you. I’ve only been with her for a month. Help a brother out.
Fantasy question: At this point, is keeping an injured Felix Jones on the bench now going to be rewarding when the playoff stretch begins?
You lying fuck!
Okay, in case you are actually being truthful this is a difficult situation that will require a deft touch. The first thing you must do is to appraise the situation from afar so as to determine whether or not there is the slightest chance for a threesome. Now if the idea of incest bothers you, just back out now. But why would that bother you? They aren’t your sisters, so let them worry about the taboo shit. I doubt you’d have any trouble with the big tittied sister because she sounds awesome and as we all know, girls willing to show you their monstrous mammaries without asking are pretty much down for anything. So it’s your girlfriend you’ll need to work on. Start by getting her off, then start shoveling ice cream into her mouth. When she’s fully sated begin to ask some prepared questions that will lead her in the right (read: sexy) direction.
You need to find out if there is any deep-rooted attraction between the sisters, and if not, you must create some. It would help if you could get the sister involved by walking around the apartment in revealing outfits and engaging your girlfriend in tickle fights. These tickle fights will invariably lead to light petting, but don’t be too eager, you may scare them away! Let your girlfriend get comfortable, and then have her sister casually suggest the idea of a threesome.
Remember, it’s of crucial importance that you do not bring up the topic yourself. That would make you a horrible horrible person. If all goes well you’ll be in for the best weekend of your life, and if not you might as well fuck the sister because she sounds awesome.
Oh, and unless there’s a sure thing waiting for you on the waiver wire. The two situations are fairly similar actually. Think of Felix as your girlfriend (your big, freakishly athletic girlfriend) and the potential waiver wire pick up as your girlfriend’s sister. Sure you’d love to have them both, but some asshole made up some rules that prohibit such things. No matter, you must decide which is more important, the long-term potential of a relationship with Felix, or the immediate gratification of the free agent that clearly wants you to tittyfuck her.
Oh, and send pictures. Right now. Seriously, if you don’t send the fucking pictures I’m telling your girlfriend. Then I’ll fuck her sister for sport just to teach you a lesson.
God bless.
KSK,
So when I’m jackin’ it and I get a phone call, sometimes I answer. Who knows, somebody might eventually have something important to tell me on the phone. Plus, I’m always jackin’ it. Anyway, when it’s either of your parents that call, how long do you have to wait before you can resume jackin’ it? Or do you just pack it in and wait half an hour? Also, I have Romo on my team sitting on the end of my bench bitching about his little fucking pinky finger. Do I cut him, use him as trade bait or just stash his bitch-ass? Thanks.
-Chad
How long you wait before resuming your one-man party is not something that anyone can answer definitively. The answer must come from deep within you. Fortunately your body will provide you with a telltale sign that it’s ready to get back on the horse.
As for Romo, keep him on the bench for now. You’ll need his bitch ass down the stretch.
Gentlemen,
I’m in a unique situation. In my 10 team league we have two female GM’s. I lost to one of them this past week in a close shootout because she had LenDale White’s fat ass fall into the end zone twice on Monday night. Her playful taunts after her 9 point victory fucking pissed me off. My question is this: What’s the best way to tell her to die in a fire yet still harbor some chance of hate fucking her later in the year?
Thanks guys
-Charley
You need to get into this girl’s head, which isn’t too hard, because women are all fucking nuts and easily manipulated (except of course for my girlfriend who is totally sane and strong-minded). Tell this girl that you like how she’s not totally obsessed with her body image like all the skinny girls you date. Then find an opportunity to tell her that her ass sort of resembles her favorite player, LenDale White. You certainly won’t be getting laid right then and there, but you’ve planted the seed for a hate fuck down the road. Only it will be her hate fucking you. Much easier that way.
A few dilemmas. At WR, who do I start among Derrick Mason, Steve Breaston, DeSean Jackson, and Kevin Curtis? And at RB, who do I start among Jones-Drew , Derrick Ward, Tim Hightower, and Correl Buckhalter? By the way, yes, my team is terrible. Also, is it possible to execute an Alaskan Firedragon?
-Jon G.
Only in Wasilla.
I’d answer your fantasy question, but you didn’t bother to tell me how many of those wide receivers you start. That’s because you’re a dumbass, which is why you’re stuck with such a shitty team to begin with. Go with MJD and Hightower as your backs.
Dear KSK,
Do you think that playing Brett Favre is a better move than playing Jason Campbell? With that out of the way, my wife doesn’t clean her ass all that well, making anal slightly unpleasant at times….I’m not complaining about being a married guy getting anal from a solid 8 but how do I get her to clean better without making her feel ashamed? I tried just fucking her in the shower but water makes me as flaccid as a Marmalard pass. I also come early, lack girth, hate giving oral, avoid eye-contact at all costs, stay hard about 20 seconds and look like I am the love child of Paul Reubens and Howard Dean.
Thank you for your insight,
Irv
Come on Dad, that shit isn’t funny anymore.
Seriously though, take her bidet shopping. This way you can give her the not-so-subtle hint while she’s too distracted by shopping to be pissed. Or you could just shut the fuck up and consider yourself lucky that you have a woman at all, even if she is unclean.
Buffalo is tough at home, but Pittsburgh has the stingiest pass defense in the league, so I’d lean towards Favre.
In one of the later rounds of my fantasy draft this year, I picked up Michael Turner. My problem is that I seem to start him at the wrong time. When he went bananas on the Lions for 220 yards in Week 1, he was on the bench. But when he went 112 yards and no TDs over a two game span against Chicago and Philly? Of course he was starting! I fear the rest of the season I will be frustrated by not being on the same page with Michael Turner. As of right now, I’m starting him this week, because the Raiders are a fucking abortion of a football team, but I’m sure he’ll probably have something like 18 attempts for 45 yards and a fumble.
On a related note, my girlfriend has a habit of saying “I’m going to come” while we’re, you know, doing it. Unfortunately, for her this phrase means either “I’m going to come right now,” or “If you continue doing what you’re doing, then in 27 minutes or so, maybe, I’m going to come.” This presents a problem for me, as that phrase usually implies that it’s okay for me to finish. And if there’s anything worse than having the likes of Michael Turner stick it in me dry week after week, it’s having a sexually frustrated woman on my hands. I never know when to pull the trigger on either of them. I don’t really want to put either one of them on waivers, and Turner’s the only one I can trade (legally, at least). Any thoughts?
-Jim
Your girlfriend is lying in a fiendish attempt to encourage you further. Don’t fall for it, just finish whenever you’re ready.
Turner is quite a bit like your girlfriend’s vagina. No, he’s not soft, pink, and bald, he’s totally unpredictable. Remember, a watched pot never boils, a girl who says she’s about to cum is not going to do so anytime soon, and you can never be sure when Turner will go off, you just want to still be in it when he does.
My wife found evidence of me following NSFW links on our home computer. Ever since, she’s been an animal in the sack (dirty talk, aggression (the good kind), sexy costumes, etc.). Should I be concerned, or just enjoy the ride?
Also, Campbell or Garrard this week?
- Happy Guy
Concerned about what? Your dick falling off from all the great sex? Man up, Nancy, and play Silky Garrard in Cincinnati.
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never thought it would happen to me wait no
Dear KSK,
Why can I not get a girl? I am an unattractive sports blog reader who enjoys commenting on posts and collecting gifs of hilarious plays from the NFL. I’m also in high school and love using internet terms in real-life. Females never seem to want me despite all of these things I have going for me. WHAT’S WRONG PLEASE HELP TRUE GODS OF THIS WORLD
Toodle pip,
EVERY SINGLE KSK READER HAW HAW HAW
Yep, these are Bill Simmons’ former readers…
Image via Flickr
Tags: it's satire people, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Mixed metaphors, Unsilent Majority
October 30th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Dear Penthouse:
I swear this is actually true…
October 30th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Dirty asses are God’s way of telling you to tell your girl to cut back on the salads.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
gotta love the jailbait twins pic.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Did Jon G. sleep through his league’s draft?
October 30th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Dude.
This was awesome.
Also, as sad as it makes me to admit it, you’re absolutely right that the best way to ensure a hate fuck down the road is to say something that’s not overtly critical or insulting, but that has subtle undertones of negativity just strong enough to hurt the chick’s feelings… that way, the act of fucking you feels like a moral victory. God, I hate us.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
to the guy with the dirty ass wife. Keep your dick as dirty as her ass and call it even and play Favre this week.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
This was beautiful
October 30th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
@frma:
But we love you.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hooray! I got a question answered in KSK! This is way better than when friggin’ Simmons put me in a mailbag. I’m taking the rest of the day off to drink scotch and view pornography.
- “Jim”
October 30th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
@Otto, let’s hope Jon G. plays in a keeper league.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I’d nail the hot sister. No girl is worth passing up that chance, unless of course that whole 3some seed works out.
/Do sorority sisters count?
October 30th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Ignore “I’m going to come.” As you’ve learned, that’s a decoy. The one you really want to listen for is “DON’T STOP!” and then keep doing whatever the fuck you’re doing.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
If it’s dirty, just lick that shit clean. A little poo never killed anybody.
/except for millions of children in Africa every year.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
That sister letter is complete bullshit, quality setup for 3-some jokes though.
Thank you for the hate fuck part by the way.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
To the lying asshole at the top of the page. First, learn how to spell and write coherently–am I suposed to believe that you can hope 5 feet? How would one hope for distance? And if she had to “drop trough”–which means taking her pants off–to show you her tits, how nice can they really be? Anyway, just wanted to clear the air, and you suck.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
PICTURE SOURCE NOW DAMMIT!
October 30th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
“….play Silky Garrard in Cincinnati.”
I can’t tell if that is Fantasy Football or sex/role-playing advice.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
@auntbaby:
she was wearing overalls.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Charley wins.
Clare is absolutely correct. In fact, if a girl says “I’m going to come,” chances are higher that she’s faking it and just over-acting.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Jesus Goth, just look at the last line of the post
October 30th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I thought the female orgasm was a myth?
October 30th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I know someone who may soon be displaying his ability to “hope for distance”… by testing how insanely far to the left he can push our government. Shortly after he shows how far “hope” can get you, we’ll learn that he’s been lying more often (and, apparently to some, more convincingly) than “Mr. Threesome” that kicked off this column.
October 30th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Sorry KOGOD…I should have looked more closely. I was rash and in a hurry…for some reason I cannot recall.
October 30th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
No worries
October 30th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Hyuk hyuk hyuk my “EVERY SINGLE KSK READER” email was so funny
October 30th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Thanks for the advice (and bitch slap). I will continue to bang-away. Just thought my situation might be too good to be true.
2 kids and 5 years of marriage = o.k. sex… 1 night of “what the fuck are you looking at that for?” = “Oh my God” sex. I’m sure there’s a lesson or moral there somewhere…
- Happy Guy
October 30th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Happy Guy - add one more kid and 3 more years of marriage and you’ll figure out that we don’t CARE what you’re looking at on the Internet as long as you leave us alone.
/mostly kidding
October 30th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@manchoi44
I hadn’t though about that possibility, good imagery. Now that you mention it, homeboy might be in luck–that is if any part of his story were true besides possibly having felix jones on the bench(i’m betting he’s still starting him)–because I’m willing to bet that women who wear overalls are far more likely to be ok with the whole incest thing.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Why waste time trying to get a 3some with the two sisters. If the sister is as slutty as you say, a 3some with another chick is inevitable. So tap the sister with the massive funbags, make like Johnny Appleseed and drop a load in every location. And send those pics to KSK to be posted ASAP. Some of us need new “dance music” if you catch my drift.
Of course the big tit sister will turn out to be loonier than crack head, so make sure you know how to file for a restraining order.
October 30th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Am I high or did that first guy say he was their brother?
/right…I am high…
October 30th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I’m willing to bet that women who wear overalls are far more likely to BE A PRODUCT OF the whole incest thing.
/fix’d
October 30th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I hope for distance on my ejaculate every day.
October 30th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Marion — “I’m going to come” is shorthand for “You’re nowhere close, so hurry the fuck up and I’ll go masturbate in the shower.” Now you know.
October 30th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
If she has butt-funk, just go ass-to-mouth on her a few times. She’ll learn.
October 30th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
@Unprovoked PoFlaWa Wager: Obvious trolling and rampant stupidity look similar on the internet. Which are you, fag?
October 31st, 2008 at 1:36 am
@Matt: Well, you’re pretty clearly rampant stupidity.
I’m sure he’s being sarcastic.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:37 am
@futuremrs: I’m not saying I’ve taken advantage of that myself, but I will say that I am in absolute, total agreement with the truth of your statement.
Yow.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:49 am
Yes it’s great fun to fuck with raging Obama-ites. Guess who Matt’s voting for to cover for his self-loathing?
October 31st, 2008 at 9:07 am
@ TurleyGirlie
Good thing I’ve been “Sunkist” (all the Juice, none of the Seeds), so I don’t have to worry about that 3rd kid fuckin’ up my good thing…
October 31st, 2008 at 9:36 am
Guess who Matt’s voting for to cover for his self-loathing?
No idea. Who are you voting for to cover for the tiny penis?
October 31st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Make her blow you after you fuck her in her dirty ass, problem solved. Also, they finally figured out the best way to make women come, wanna know what it is??
October 31st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Who cares!
November 1st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I don’t know why you guys bothered asking for pictures from the first person.
They’re clearly lying, and so they’re probably just going to further the lie by digging up some pictures of some random girl with giant breasts in a slutty outfit and/or pose. They’ll make sure she’s as attractive as possible, as well. And then they’ll send them right to you.
Think how stupid you’ll feel, then.