KSK Eksklusive! Press Conference At Raidervania Castle!
With the firing of Lane Kiffin yesterday, Count Al Davis summoned local reporters to his very dark and forbidding castle high on the mountaintop, AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT, to discuss Kiffin’s ouster, and the future of the Raiders organization. Below is a transcript of that press conference.
(crypt flies open)
Count Al: HISSSSSSSSSS!!!! Before vee get to your questions, I vant to talk briefly about this Keefin fellow! Blah! BLAAAAHHHH!!!! Ven vee hired Lane, he vas so very young. And fresh. And full of rich, death-giving blood! But then he turned SCARY! VEEEERY SCARY! BLAH! BLAH!
This Keefin fellow vas nussing like he claimed! He is a liah! He said vee never talked? Zis is not true! BLAH! BLAH! I have counted many times the number of times we spoke after ze Buffalo game! ONE! TWO! THREE! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
/thunder rolls
Zen he commeets ze ultimate seen! HE SAID MEAN THINGS ABOUT ZE VOLF MAN IN PUBLIC!
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Count Al: Look at how hurt he was by zat! It vas virtually unprecedented in NFL heestory! Zis Keefin fellow deceived us all! He seemed so innocent, and clean cut, and so willing to submit to ze temptations of immortality! BUT HE DID NOT BELIEVE IN BEING PARANOID! OR BRINGING VILLIE GAULT OUT OF RETIAHMENT! He vas not a TWOO RAIDAH! BLAH! BLAH! Isn’t zat right, Mummy Art Shell?
Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)
Count Al: Vell, vee vere not simply going to take that lying down! Except during daylight hours, for zat is ven ze hideous sun casts its glare down upon me! BLAH BLAH! I have now a letter I wrote to Keefin! It is dated right before ze Buffalo game! See?
Reporter: How do we know you didn’t just write that date on it and print it out five minutes ago?
Count Al: HISSSS!!!!
Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Count Al: How dare you question me?! Ven I say I wrote zis to Keefin two years ago, zat is when I wrote it! And it’s true! Blah! Blah! I wrote back in 1996! Here now is ze letter.
Dearest Mina,
I have crossed oceans of time to find you. I never thought I’d see you again after you died at the battle of BUCHAREST! BLAH! BLAH! But I knew, deep in the bowels of my soul, that you vould one day return to me, my love! And that, togezzer, vee vould become IMMORTALS! Vee vould feast upon each other’s necks, and zen vee vould help ourselves to ze human buffet!
After all zis time, you finally returned to me in ze form of zis Keefin fellow! BUT ZEN YOU HAD TO GO AND RUN SCREEN PASSES! And sign Javon Valker! Your idea! Not mine! Blah! You ah not the Mina I vunce knew! Zis betrayal hurts more than gahlic in my eye! Oooh, garlic! SCARY! VEEERY SCARY!
You say vee never speak? You lie! And now you must pay! VITH YOUR LIFE! Kindly sign zee attached letter of resignation. It basically admits you are a liah! And a cheat! And zat you are ze vun responsible for all zose bodies deposited along the Paceefic Coast Highvay! It also grants me the power to suuuuuck your bank account dry! DRY! BLAH! BLAH!
By signing zis letter, you also agree to submit yourself to my harem of tightly corseted vampire succubi! Zen I get to place your head on a stake for all ze vorld to see! HA HA HA HA HA!
Now, as you can all see, Keefin signed zis letter at ze bottom!
Reporter: How do we know that’s not your handwriting?
Count Al: HISSSS!!!!
Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Count Al: I VILL TAKE ONLY A FEW MORE QUESTIONS! ZEN I VILL SEIZE YOUR CAMERAS AND DESTROY ZEM! Now, please. Ask AVAY!
Reporter: Aren’t you trying to paint Kiffin in a bad light simply to justify your increasingly erratic behavior?
Count Al: HISSSS!!!!
Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Reporter: How can you fire Kiffin for cause when the team clearly played with great effort despite all this chaos?
Count Al: GO VANK YOURSELF!
Reporter: How will this team ever be viable in the NFL if you can’t even keep around a novice coach like Kiffin?
Mummy Art Shell: (groans loudly)
Count Al: YOU MEDIA PEOPLE KNOW NUSSING! VUN DAY, VEE SHALL RETURN TO GLORY! Unless my maker decides to take me, vich he von’t! For I am ALREADY DEAD! AND ALL OF YOU VILL BOW TO ME! NOW, GO PUT YOUR VEINERS IN A SOCKET! BLAH! BLAH!
Tags: at death's door, Big Daddy Drew, Count Al, greatest presser ever, if you need flubby he's busy sinking ot the depths of indifference, total clusterfuck
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
October 1st, 2008 at 10:54 am
Drew, you got my hopes up yesterday that Al would suddenly transform into a bat and fly off.
October 1st, 2008 at 10:56 am
I hear this in a Count Floyd voice. Am I wrong? It’s so hard to keep all the undead straight in my mind.
/VEEERY SCARY
October 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am
The crypt keeper always keeps the AFC West interesting… unlike the actual football.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:05 am
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:06 am
I check under my bed everynight for Count Al… and he is always there! Guy cant take a hint,
/late to work this morning after dropping Al Davis off at the senile old folks home… AGAIN
October 1st, 2008 at 11:08 am
Warthog, it’s The Count from Sesame Street for me, although I appriciate the SCTV reference.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:11 am
At first I was thinking Count from Seasame Street, then maybe Count Chocula, then the letter had me thinking all Bam Stoker’s Dracula. Count Al may have multiple personalities.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:12 am
I imagine Rob Ryan as Wolfman Jack.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:14 am
In addition to looking like the undead, he needs a fucking haircut. Why do so many rich guys have shitty-looking hair? He owns a football team but he can’t find a decent barber?
October 1st, 2008 at 11:15 am
everything’s under control now that the cable guy’s running the show.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:16 am
I have counted many times the number of times we spoke after ze Buffalo game! ONE! TWO! THREE! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
nearly pissed myself.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:21 am
You forgot the part where Count Davis apparently did the entire press conference with a Jolly Rancher in his mouth. Either that or he needs to find a new denture glue.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:26 am
hahahahahaha
Count Al… great tag
October 1st, 2008 at 11:40 am
This is getting more and more like a count chocula-frankenberry crossover commercial.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:50 am
BLAH BLAH! in the body of the letter = superb
October 1st, 2008 at 11:50 am
The Raiders need a coach who is stubborn, who can take the heat, someone that Al Davis could believe in…. Matt Millen.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:50 am
@Warthog, I also enjoyed the SCTV reference
/I’m old
October 1st, 2008 at 11:51 am
@Slash, can’t trust any barbers because he can’t see his own reflection, thus can’t control the barber’s every move
October 1st, 2008 at 11:54 am
Jerry Jones vs. Al Davis in a fight to the death…MAKE IT HAPPEN!
October 1st, 2008 at 11:54 am
Also, how fucking cold was it during the press conference that Davis needed to wear a sweater and that leather Raider coat?
October 1st, 2008 at 11:55 am
“WereRob Ryan”
in case anyone was wondering, cranberry juice does burn when it passes thru the nose. perfect post
/don’t know why i laugh at this i’m a raiders fan
October 1st, 2008 at 11:58 am
Good work, but you should’ve had 289 alter the pic of Al Davis somehow.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
At deaths’ door? Even Death won’t answer, he’s afraid Count Al will fire him too.
“HISSSS!!!! (groans loudly) OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
All this time I thought it was the crowd making those noise.
/boycotting Raider games until Count Al is removed or has a stake driven thru his heart. And because they suck.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Sadly 289 did not need to change the photo. I am definitely channeling Sesame Street / Count Chocula myself.
Foxxy Brown…even in great pain we need amusement. Sadly, this explains why you will never have a better team: Count Al has a deal to be immortal so this suckitude will go on forever. It was nice of BDD to point this out.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I hear it in the Sesame Street voice except less jolly and mildy more satanic. Thatsa vone, thatsa two, thatsa a three little kids playing in the street about to be hit by an 18 wheeler hauling jack daniels. ah ah ah ah ahhhh.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Anyone else watching that press conference glad they didn’t have HDTV?
October 1st, 2008 at 2:00 pm
@Boatdrinks,
between the raiders and the 9ers i think i’ve been amused enough over the past several years. i’d like to use the skeletal corpse of Al to stake the York’s thru their black cold hearts.
/not bitter at all
October 1st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I had ESPNews on muted and saw WAY too much Al for about one hour. It was scary and I don’t have HD yet. Thank God for small miracles.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
“Yorks” my hate makes my punctuation go wacky
October 1st, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Classic… oh man…
October 1st, 2008 at 2:51 pm
THAT. WAS. OUTSTANDING.
Sesame Street has been brought to you by the letter O and the numbers VON, TWOO and VREE, HA HA HA HA!!!
October 1st, 2008 at 3:58 pm
It’s clearly a Count Blah reference from the short-lived but brilliant Greg the Bunny show. Needs more Tardy the Turtle though.
October 1st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
What it must be like to have Al Davis signing your paychecks… or not
October 1st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Monster Chiller Horror Theater!
“It’s not too scary, but look at the chicks!”
October 1st, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I cant wait for next year when Ryan becomes the head coach…
The Dude Lebowski parodies will be classic…
October 1st, 2008 at 6:27 pm
I’m kind of hoping for Count Al to meet Leinart and Lachey at some point, just to see “BLAH!” “BRAH!”
October 1st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
@UU Old is right. SCTV followed by SNL with Belushi and Ackroyd. Good times.
/The WereRob abides.