I’m Sorry, Peyton Manning
I’m sorry, Peyton Manning, about your sudden collapse in the fourth quarter of your Monday night game. It was as if you, Peyton Manning, were sabotaged by 2005 Peyton Manning, who then opened a wormhole and instantaneously replaced you with himself. Where were you when 2005 Peyton was in the game? Did you get something to eat? I don’t know much about time travel, but I bet it would make me hungry.
I feel bad for you, Peyton Manning, because the other teams in your division are actually good now. It’s bad enough that you’re living with the burden of being a decent human being off the field, Peyton Manning, but now you have to carry your team without a running game or defense. It’s like, you were so busy acting like a football player that could carry his team…and now you actually have to BE one. It’s like that one Kevin Kline movie where he becomes president and then bangs the chick from Ghostbusters. I remember the name of his character, but not the name of that movie, for some reason.
You have so many endorsements and reputable friends, Peyton Manning, and I only have one of each. But I get to do lots of other cool stuff. I can drop in pass coverage in games and then drop my nuts on some random woman’s chin afterwards. If you only knew the anonymity that came with being a 6-foot-4-inch bald guy. You know what those great clutch players have that you don’t? Real simple–STDs. I don’t know what tainted pussy does for the competitor in me, I don’t ever question science. Or answer questions about science.
So…yeah…if you ever want to tag-team some human resources girls sometime…I’m on the cell.
October 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Brian Urlacher is a humanitarian
October 28th, 2008 at 11:00 am
So who are we speaking about again?
October 28th, 2008 at 11:05 am
The name of the movie is Dave.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Gotta have more Manning Face.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
This post embiggened me.
In my pants.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Didn’t Urlacher get the memo that Manning doesn’t like girls? Unless that “gay quarterbacks” tag has been lying to me all these months.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Pey-Pey is open to threesomes involving 6′4″ bald guys. At least that’s what his bursa sac told me in a dream.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:18 am
This bores me.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Maybe Upstae Underdog can explain the whole time travel thing to us.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:29 am
@FNI, I’ll pass. I’m still licking my wounds from my last fuck up. No more science talk from me.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:37 am
So…yeah…if you ever want to tag-team some human resources girls sometime…I’m on the cell.
I find that girls in accounting are severely underrated.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:54 am
One word: Marketing.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
There is no Brian, only Zuul.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
whoa whoa whoa whoa, you say brian urlacher only has one endorsement? he will not take such an insult to either vitamin water or old spice sitting down, choose your weapon wisely, badmiton…or honor du-AL
October 28th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
As long as we don’t cross beams, we can go both go after said HR girls…That is of course, unless you challenge me to a du-el..
October 28th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
We’ve switched your normal Peyton Manning with Folger’s Eli Manning. Let’s see if anyone notices?
/It was just a matter of time before the better Manning turned out to be Eli. It’s science.
October 28th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
“The name of the movie is Dave.”
You’re a dumbass.
October 28th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I thought Dave was the name of the character in the movie.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Jim Sorgi was also replaced by Ben Kingsley in that time warp, but nobody noticed.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
+1 for Dave references.