If You Facks Can’t Appreciate What Bawston Fans Ahh Going Through, YOU CAN GO GET FACKED!
You fackin’ faggot Bawston hatahs out they-ah ahh prawbably havin’ a big ol’ laugh right now, ahhhn’t yah? Yeah, you think it’s real fackin’ funny to see REAL FANS suffah through what we, the incredible fans of fackin’ Celtic Nation, have had to endure far-ah the last far-ah months. WELL, FACK YOU! YOU AHH NAWT REAL FANS! YOU CAN GO GET FACKED!
(opens tin of Copenhagen)
Oh, these ahh very dahk times, my friends! Dahkkah than that dahkie I hit with a beer-ah mug last week! Fack that culluhed guy. He wanted to play some jiggaboo rap sawng on the fackin’ jukebawx, but I set him straight. THIS IS A STAIND AND STONE SOWAH TOWN, YOU FACKIN’ TAHHHH BABY!
(pulls hood ornament off of nearby Cadillac)
To think that we fans have been farced to go four-ah months without winning a single title. HAS ANY TOWN EVAH HAD TO ENDURE SUCH A DROUGHT?! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! If you watched that fackin’ Sawx-Rays series, you know damn well which fanbase deserved to win! These fackin’ Rays fans. YOU FACKS HAVE NO HISTORY! YOU JUST BAWT THAT CAP, YOU FACKS! I’ve had the same Sawx hat far nearly 4 yee-uhs now! Look at the sweat stains awn it! This hat has been through the waaaahs! Tell me we didn’t deserve it more-ah! YOU TAMPA FAGGOTS COULDN’T BRING YAR TEAM BACK FROM 3-1! ONLY WE COULD DO THAT!
IF YOU WERE-AH REAL BASEBALL FANS, YOU’D BE SAWX FANS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!
(flexes lat muscles)
That’s the thing you Bawston-hating faggots don’t undahstand about thah great Bawston fans. We cay-uh more-ah. So when ow-uh team loses, it hurts us more-ah than it could evah hurt you. I FEEL THIS LOSS DEEP IN MY HAHHHHT. That’s why the Sawx and Pats should win every yee-ah. It’s mar impartant to us than it is to you! First we get the Supah Bawl loss, and now this? With only one title in between? NAME ME A FANBASE THAT HAS SUFFAHED MORE-AH! We’re so used to winning titles, that it hurts us even more-ah when we lose. You facks don’t appreciate losses thah way we do! THOSE AHH REAL STOMACH PUNCHES, YOU FACKIN’ FACKS!
(cell phone rings)
Oh wait, that’s my friend HouseO. After a tough loss, we always call each othah to tawk about it. NO OTHAH TEAM’S FAN DO THIS! HouseO!!!!
HouseO: I’m fackin’ done with these teams, Tommy.
Tommy: I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! We cay-uh so much, and I don’t think these teams appreciate that! Ahh you still at the game?
HouseO: Oh yeah. It’s like, 98% Sawx fans hee-ah. And I think even the Rays fans secretly wanted us to win.
Tommy: SEE? You should disquawlified if you can’t fill yar stadium with true fans like we can!
HouseO: I’m just ovah these teams, Tawmmy. You gawt the Sawx letting us down. And then you got Matt fackin’ Cassel fackin’ up the Pats. It’s a fackin’ joke. We ahh too good a group of fans to have to put up with this shit. I’m nawt going to any more-ah Red Sawx or-ah Pats games until they ahhh ready to staht winning again.
Tommy: I know what you mean! I’M FACKIN’ DISGUSTED! We should nawt chee-ah far these teams again until they’ve won something far us. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH THAH BEST FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WARLD AND WE DESERVE IT!
HouseO: Fackin’ right. Othah teams fans stay away from the stadium becawse they ahhh so fay-uh weathahh…
Tommy: But when we stay away, it’s becawse we cay-uh TOO MUCH TO SEE OW-UH TEAMS LIKE THAT!
HouseO: Exactly. I’m nawt going to any more-ah these games until Theo and Belichick staht making the right decisions. Why did we trade Bledsoe? We could have had a good fackin’ backup QB right now.
Tommy: I know! We should run those teams, HouseO! We ahhh so much smahtah!!!
HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning. I think a whole spart suffahs when Bawston fans ahhn’t they-ah to help pick it up.
Tommy: Gawddamn right. LIKE ANYONE WANTS TO SEE THE TITANS WIN A SUPAH BOWL! OR THE RAYS WIN A WARLD SERIES! Those ahh ratings killahs! NO ONE DENIES THIS! New teams should nevah get a chance to win, and help develop new fans, BECAUSE NEW FANS AHHHN’T TRUE FANS!
HouseO: Hey, let’s get togethah far beer-ahs latah and tawk about how this loss rates against the fackin’ Bucknah game. I nevah get tired of that.
Tommy: And then let’s go punch a Jap in the cawk!
HouseO: Sounds like a plan to me.
Tommy: HouseO, yar my best friend. NO FANBASE IS MORE-AH TIGHTLY KNIT THAN OW-UHS! OW-UH FRIENDSHIPS AHH BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S FRIENDSHIPS!
And if you don’t agree with HouseO and I, than yar prawbably some faggot Partah Rican Yankee fan. SO FACK YOU IN YAR MAHHHHDRE’S BIG BROWN ASSHOLE!
Lonely Sox fan pic courtesy of Deadspin.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, greatest picture evah, maybe those two should do a podcast of some sort, thank God for the Rays, Tommy from Quinzee
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
October 20th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Nice to know Drew’s been listening to WEEI and taking notes on every mechanic from Weymouth dialing in to call Francona “retahhhdid”
October 20th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
in true Massachusetts democratic fashion, we are spreading the wealth.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Now I know the difference between bandwagon jumpers and true fans. Thanks, Tommy!
October 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning. I think a whole spart suffahs when Bawston fans ahhn’t they-ah to help pick it up.
Stop stealing the thesis from every Simmons’ NFL column this year.
“This is the worst NFL season since 2002, which just happens to be the last time the Pats missed the playoffs!”
October 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning.
Simmons said something so close to that on the Jim Rome show last week, it’s spooky. The guest host (can’t remember his name) called him out for being a Boston homer. Simmons’ response: “Did you enjoy that [last Sunday night's] game?”
It’s always funniest when it’s true.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
May Cutler’s indifference outshine Cassel’s ineptitude this evening! Somebody put Tommy on suicide watch!
October 20th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I’m always disappointed when Tommy doesn’t crank Godsmack, dip Kodiak, or key a car. But Boston losing last night and the Bills being 5-1 make up for it.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Tommy: And then let’s go punch a Jap in the cawk!
Thanks Drew, now I’m probably going to get fired for laughing so hard at that. And then saying it to my boss.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I bet Tommy and HouseO banged each other in the ass to get over the Sox losing and the Pats being terrible.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@uu: fixed
October 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Thanks BDD, I like how you changed up Tommy’s choice of smokeless tobacco and his choice of car vandalism.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Nope, still hasn’t gotten old. I sure hope there’s another of these on 5 Nov.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
the incredible fans of fackin’ Celtic Nation
I just love it how they’ve jumped off the Pats and Red Sox nation bangwagons because they both suck right now. Outstanding work.
IT’S NAWT FAY-UH!
Cue tears in 3…2…1
October 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
They’ll be fine as long as they can buy pink Celtics hats.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Oh, Tommy… I’ve always wondered what’s in his thermos mug. Anyone?
October 20th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I like how the Sawx fan at the left of the picture brawt his dawtah to the game so she could wawtch real fans pahtee. Now the kid’s just gettin a beatin.
/od’ing on Shaw-den-froid
October 20th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
@stealofthedraft: George Dickel and store-brand cola would be my guess.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
“I just love it how they’ve jumped off the Pats and Red Sox nation bangwagons because they both suck right now. Outstanding work.”
Yeah, watching the Pats getting their testicles stomped on by the Rams sure was humiliating.
Oh wait.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
@stealofthedraft, I’m guessing tabacco spit since they don’t allow Snapple bottles into Gilette Stadium.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
@SoS
Yeah but at least the game is in Tampa. I was at the Giants/Bucs playoff jersey in my Bradshaw Jersey and sat in a row of Bucs fans. Classiest group of fans I have ever met, and but for a few exceptions the stadium as a whole. Received more “good games, good lucks” on my way out of the stadium than I can remember. It sure beat a “d” cell to the temple
October 20th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Today, my friends, is a great day for democracy.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
@Stealofthedraft: Obviously he will tell you it’s a “Baahstan Wife-Beatah”: a bottle of Sam Adams Baahstan Laahgah with a shot of Beaupaaaaht Vodkaah. Nawt that Belgian shit.
But it’s probably really just Natty Light.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Since I know the type, it is probably whisky. But, BAD whisky. Or maybe warm piss. He wouldn’t know the difference.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Hadn’t heard from Tawmy in a while. Glad to read he’s taking events so well. Thermos has gotta be full of nothing… until he needs to pee.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
We are taking it in stride up here. Everyone knew with Big Poppie hurt along with Beckett it would take a miracle to make it this far. Plus, game 5 was a gift to the fans.
That was game 7 of the world series last night, by the way. I don’t understand why they play these meaningless exhibitions against the bush leaguers after the world series champ is decided.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Seeing Boston lose feels better than a handjob from a topless and mildly interested Lindsay Lohan.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
@Haterade: Good to know about Tampa…was a HUGE Bucs fan when they destroyed the Raiders (whose fans aren’t quite as cool). I just meant the little kid would get a beating from her dad, which is funny because it’s about child abuse.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@Favre: “Poppie”? Is that ironic in some way, or just Bostonian spelling (i.e., poor)?
October 20th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I don’t understand why they play these meaningless exhibitions against the bush leaguers after the world series champ is decided.
I know! Why did the Cardinals even suit up to play the Tigers in 2006?
October 20th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
The tears of the unfathomable sadness of Sawx fans taste yummy and sweet
October 20th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Where’s Steven M. Fanale in all this? Somebody call him.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I’m appalled at all of these stereotypes of Red Sox fans. Where’s the latent inbred fantasies disguised as “REAL brotherly lovin’”, the homoeroticism of comparing David Ortiz’s bat size (complete with discussions of pine tar in place of cum), the Jew bashing, and the “true fans” of John McCain?
October 20th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I know! Why did the Cardinals even suit up to play the Tigers in 2006?
because they-uh fackin’ queeahs! they even copy the sawx with all that red on they-uh yooknees!
October 20th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
@Doc: that’s gonna be tough seeing that Linsay is in full-blown lesbian mode right now. I think.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@SOS – I was just too lazy to look it up. I’m not bright enough to be ironic.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
@HandfulofPeter: good response, which was typical of a Pats fan. Now allow me to retort…
At least I’ve been a fan of the Cowboys for 30 years, unlike you sir who seem to have gotten their feelings hurt since the 4 year bandwagon ride has finally gotten tiresome for you. It’s Ok to go and dust off that pink Celtics hat and get ready to “suppart a winnar again in Bah-stan.” We won’t mind if you don’t watch the Pats gets smoked like a pack of Kools by Diabeetus boy tonight.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Yesterday was a great day! The Pack beat the shit out of Fetus face and his merry band of geriatrics, the SAWX lose, Vikings lose, and Dallas loses….doesn’t get much better than that!
October 20th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Yeah, watching the Pats getting their testicles stomped on by the Rams sure was humiliating.
Exactly! It’s not like when the Wildcat destroyed the Pats at all. Not at all.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Have Celtics fans admitted to themselves that Bill Russell (he of the 11 Championships) is black or do they still say he just tans well because he’s part Italian?
October 20th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Russell is a good Irish surname. He bleeds green and whiskey.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
The Sawks losing last night kind of made me feel better while watching my Seahawks lube up, bend over, and gently caress then guide Garcia’s cock into their collective asses. They didn’t even ask for a reach around.
That was the first half.
Stevens then proceeded to forcefully take sloppy seconds in the second half.
But by then I was drunk, so I didn’t feel it. But at least he could have called this morning…. fucker.
October 20th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
That is classic!
October 20th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
The best part of watching a team getting crushed is the knowledge that the expectations were so high for the fans of that team. That’s why it’s no fun to crack on Detroit or San Fran or Miami or Minnesota. They suck and their fans know it.
This year, Dallas is a special case. The owner is a raging, egomaniacal asshole, they have some obnoxious players
(TO, ROMO, Pacman), their coach is a dolt, the coach in waiting is a weasel and the very best part is that the fans actually thought this fucking mess of a team was a Super Bowl contender. Ouch! This must really hurt — hahahahaha – you suck! If you had any sense or morality – you’d find a new team to root for! Hahahahaha – you fucking suck!
October 20th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Easily explained: Bill Russell is Black Irish, that is to say, descended from the line of Irish folks who mixed with the Spaniards that landed with the Armada way back in the day.
October 20th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@j4b
Blah, blah I am a Cowboys fan who has never lived in TX in my entire life blah, blah, blah I slip in and out of rooting for them as easily as my lover Jerome’s cock slides in and out of my ass blah, blah, blah
October 20th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Can’t we just agree that Cowboys and Patriots fans are both really, really annoying?
October 20th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
This is the best writing on the net.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Can’t we just agree that Cowboys and Patriots fans are both really, really annoying?
fuck and yes
October 20th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
“Can’t we just agree that Cowboys and Patriots fans are both really, really annoying?”
If by annoying you mean cock-swallowing, ass-spelunking, whiny and retarded… then yes, they are annoying.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
@ APE – Agreed, but neither is as obnoxious as whiney stillers fans. Oh, we were the better team, wah, wah, wah, we never should have lost that game, wah, wah, wah. Bunch of fuckin’ pussies.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
@ APE – Agreed, but neither is as obnoxious as whiney stillers fans. Oh, we were the better team, wah, wah, wah, we never should have lost that game, wah, wah, wah. Bunch of fuckin’ pussies.
Holy shit. You NAILED us, dude.
/wah wah wah
October 20th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
To all you ‘Boys, Pats & Sawx fans……
“Revenge is a dish, best served cold”…………fuckers
/will really start talking shit if the Rams win next week
October 20th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
The day after the Sox season ends, I navigate to KSK hoping to find this exact post, thanks for easing the pain of a finished season.
October 20th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Pre-2004 Sawx fan here. (I love how we always feel the need to qualify) The only thing that momentarily assuaged my pain last night was the thought that certain fans will now be jumping off the bandwagon.
/pink-hatters can get facked
October 20th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Patriots fans are FAAWWKIN annoying, and so are Cowboys fans, but from my experience, Steelers fans take the cake. I actually have a friend who is a Steelers fan who insisted that you could at least make an argument that the Steelers have had the best player in NFL history at every position. AND HE WASN’T FUCKING KIDDING.
October 21st, 2008 at 12:09 am
Roy Gerela G.O.A.T.!!!!!!
October 21st, 2008 at 12:47 am
Oh Tommy, how I have missed you.
October 21st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I can’t belive I didn’t get to this yesterday. I wonder when Tawmmy is going to resort to some of the lower level cheap end tobacco products due to ouwah poowah ecawnnamy. Let’s get some Kayak, Grizzly, and Husky up in the mix. Po peeps represent!
/spits grizzly long cut wintergreen in zephyrhills bottle on desk
October 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I met somebody the other day named Boston Livingstone. ‘Nuff said.