You fackin’ faggot Bawston hatahs out they-ah ahh prawbably havin’ a big ol’ laugh right now, ahhhn’t yah? Yeah, you think it’s real fackin’ funny to see REAL FANS suffah through what we, the incredible fans of fackin’ Celtic Nation, have had to endure far-ah the last far-ah months. WELL, FACK YOU! YOU AHH NAWT REAL FANS! YOU CAN GO GET FACKED!
(opens tin of Copenhagen)
Oh, these ahh very dahk times, my friends! Dahkkah than that dahkie I hit with a beer-ah mug last week! Fack that culluhed guy. He wanted to play some jiggaboo rap sawng on the fackin’ jukebawx, but I set him straight. THIS IS A STAIND AND STONE SOWAH TOWN, YOU FACKIN’ TAHHHH BABY!
(pulls hood ornament off of nearby Cadillac)
To think that we fans have been farced to go four-ah months without winning a single title. HAS ANY TOWN EVAH HAD TO ENDURE SUCH A DROUGHT?! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! If you watched that fackin’ Sawx-Rays series, you know damn well which fanbase deserved to win! These fackin’ Rays fans. YOU FACKS HAVE NO HISTORY! YOU JUST BAWT THAT CAP, YOU FACKS! I’ve had the same Sawx hat far nearly 4 yee-uhs now! Look at the sweat stains awn it! This hat has been through the waaaahs! Tell me we didn’t deserve it more-ah! YOU TAMPA FAGGOTS COULDN’T BRING YAR TEAM BACK FROM 3-1! ONLY WE COULD DO THAT!
IF YOU WERE-AH REAL BASEBALL FANS, YOU’D BE SAWX FANS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!
(flexes lat muscles)
That’s the thing you Bawston-hating faggots don’t undahstand about thah great Bawston fans. We cay-uh more-ah. So when ow-uh team loses, it hurts us more-ah than it could evah hurt you. I FEEL THIS LOSS DEEP IN MY HAHHHHT. That’s why the Sawx and Pats should win every yee-ah. It’s mar impartant to us than it is to you! First we get the Supah Bawl loss, and now this? With only one title in between? NAME ME A FANBASE THAT HAS SUFFAHED MORE-AH! We’re so used to winning titles, that it hurts us even more-ah when we lose. You facks don’t appreciate losses thah way we do! THOSE AHH REAL STOMACH PUNCHES, YOU FACKIN’ FACKS!
(cell phone rings)
Oh wait, that’s my friend HouseO. After a tough loss, we always call each othah to tawk about it. NO OTHAH TEAM’S FAN DO THIS! HouseO!!!!
HouseO: I’m fackin’ done with these teams, Tommy.
Tommy: I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! We cay-uh so much, and I don’t think these teams appreciate that! Ahh you still at the game?
HouseO: Oh yeah. It’s like, 98% Sawx fans hee-ah. And I think even the Rays fans secretly wanted us to win.
Tommy: SEE? You should disquawlified if you can’t fill yar stadium with true fans like we can!
HouseO: I’m just ovah these teams, Tawmmy. You gawt the Sawx letting us down. And then you got Matt fackin’ Cassel fackin’ up the Pats. It’s a fackin’ joke. We ahh too good a group of fans to have to put up with this shit. I’m nawt going to any more-ah Red Sawx or-ah Pats games until they ahhh ready to staht winning again.
Tommy: I know what you mean! I’M FACKIN’ DISGUSTED! We should nawt chee-ah far these teams again until they’ve won something far us. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH THAH BEST FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WARLD AND WE DESERVE IT!
HouseO: Fackin’ right. Othah teams fans stay away from the stadium becawse they ahhh so fay-uh weathahh…
Tommy: But when we stay away, it’s becawse we cay-uh TOO MUCH TO SEE OW-UH TEAMS LIKE THAT!
HouseO: Exactly. I’m nawt going to any more-ah these games until Theo and Belichick staht making the right decisions. Why did we trade Bledsoe? We could have had a good fackin’ backup QB right now.
Tommy: I know! We should run those teams, HouseO! We ahhh so much smahtah!!!
HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning. I think a whole spart suffahs when Bawston fans ahhn’t they-ah to help pick it up.
Tommy: Gawddamn right. LIKE ANYONE WANTS TO SEE THE TITANS WIN A SUPAH BOWL! OR THE RAYS WIN A WARLD SERIES! Those ahh ratings killahs! NO ONE DENIES THIS! New teams should nevah get a chance to win, and help develop new fans, BECAUSE NEW FANS AHHHN’T TRUE FANS!
HouseO: Hey, let’s get togethah far beer-ahs latah and tawk about how this loss rates against the fackin’ Bucknah game. I nevah get tired of that.
Tommy: And then let’s go punch a Jap in the cawk!
HouseO: Sounds like a plan to me.
Tommy: HouseO, yar my best friend. NO FANBASE IS MORE-AH TIGHTLY KNIT THAN OW-UHS! OW-UH FRIENDSHIPS AHH BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S FRIENDSHIPS!
And if you don’t agree with HouseO and I, than yar prawbably some faggot Partah Rican Yankee fan. SO FACK YOU IN YAR MAHHHHDRE’S BIG BROWN ASSHOLE!
Lonely Sox fan pic courtesy of Deadspin.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.