I Don’t Think Azzcakes Are Covered Under Our Health Plan
Wade: Well, well, well. This has been one heckuva week, ain’t it? Sweet mercy, we have had a time. Those pesky Cardinals done us in, and now we got so many injuries, I think we ran out of bandages!
But I think we’ll be okay.
We’re early in the season, and this team is still 4-2. That ain’t bad. I think this crew needed to experience a bit of adversity. I think they needed to understand that you can’t just expect games to be given to you. I think we’ll grow from this. I really do. We’re gonna be a better team.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? WE’RE SCREWED!
Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. What am I gonna do? I gotta have a solution ready for when that lunatic comes through that door! Think, Wade, think! Must have a plan… gotta think of something before it all goes to…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YOU FAT FUCKING SHIT! YOU FUCKING LAZY , FAT, FUCKING LAZY FAT SAUSAGE BREATHER! YOU FUCKING TOLD ME TO GET MY RING FINGER READY, YOU FAT SHIT!
Wade: Now, calm down there, sir. We can’t just panic at the first sign of trouble. We gotta keep a level head here.
Jerry: Oh, I do? Gotta keep a level head, eh, Meatball? Is that what I’m supposed to do? I’m just supposed to kick back WHILE YOUR FAT ASS RUNS MY TEAM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND?!
Wade: I have a plan, sir.
Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up shut up. SHUT YOUR FATHOLE! No one wants to hear your suggestions, Eli Sundae! I already traded for Roy Williams. ANOTHER BIG CALF ROPED IN BY THE DOUBLE-J! YEEHAW!
Wade: Sir, with all due respect, you hired me to be the coach of this team. Now, how can I be an effective coach of any sort if you won’t let me have input, or implement any of the things I want to implement? Why have me around if you don’t want me to do my job?
Jerry: BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT, FATTY! You look at you, waddling around like giant tit with two legs. YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON THAT KINDA ENTERTAINMENT, SENOR FROGLEG! Don’t you worry about a thing, Tubby. The ol’ Double-J has got this situation under firm control!
Wade: Okay, so what’s your plan?
Jerry: Well, it’s obvious that you, in all your fatness, haven’t set a healthy example for this team, LEON SWEAT! That’s why we got so many guys on the fucking injury list. THEY’VE ALL BEEN WATCHING YOU SCARF DOWN CINNAMON ROLLS AND DRINKING CAKE BATTER! We need more doctors in here to keep this team healthy. That’s why I’m EXPANDING THE TRAINING STAFF, TUBMARINE!
Wade: Expanding the training staff?
Jerry: That’s right, meatlover. I’ve called every doctor I know. Doctor Who, Dr. No, Dr. Drew, Dr. Bricker, Dr. Phil, Dr. Pepper, Dr. Detroit, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. James Andrews, Dr. House, Dr. Marvin Monroe, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Rosenpenis, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Doom, Dr. J, Dr. Hook…
Wade: I’m not sure any of these…
Jerry: SHUT YOUR CHICKENHOLE! Dr. Jerry Punch, The Fight Doctor Ferdie Pacheco, The Rug Doctor STEAMING MAD AT FUCKING DIRT, Dr. Octopus, Doctor doctor gimme the news, Dr. Strangleove, Dr. Demento, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, Dr. Dre (the fat one), Dr. Martin van Nostrand, Doctors Strombridge and Greenbaum, Dr. Zhivago, Dr. Gonzo, Dr. Moreau, Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Meredith Grey, Dr. Doug Ross, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Dr. Beeper, Dr. Lector, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Faustus, Dr. Huxtable, Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Katz, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Doc Holliday, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Claw, Dr. Richard Kimble, Dr. Zoidberg, Dr. Bill Harford, and Dr. Tim Whatley. HOW YOU LIKE THAT FOR A MEDICAL STAFF, FATASS?!
Wade: That’s a lotta doctors.
Jerry: These docs will monitor my boy ROMO’s pinky 24 hours a day! You hear me? I want that little finger of his going wiggle wiggle by tomorrow morning! FUCK, FOR THIS MONEY, I WANT IT TO BE ABLE TO FUCKING FINGER BANG! I want full assfingerbanging capability restored to my boy Romo, stat!
Wade: But it’s already broken, it…
Jerry: And I want Felix Jones’ hammy replaced with TWO NEW HAMSTRINGS. I WANT DOUBLE HAMSTRINGS, HAM ANDERSON!
Wade: I’m not you can…
Jerry: And I want Terence Newman’s hernia welded shut!
Wade: I don’t know how…
Jerry: And one more thing, Jabba…
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman go 2 da corna office wher dat firebox say SHIT B OFF. SHIT B FUKKIN OFF. Pacman ain’t down wid it. Where ma spec? Pacman don’t cause no trizzle. All Pacman want wuz 2 gang up on dat creampie and put da skeez on dem kneez. Pacman say dat ok. He gon shine. He down wid it. Don’t Firebox lissen fo SHIT.
Jerry: Now Adam, we’re all very disappointed in the commissioner’s ruling. But these doctors here are gonna help you!
Pacman: Man, fuk dem Quincy ass bitches. Pacman don’t wan no house call unless dat azz b knockin’ on da door. Pacman gon do the injectin’. He gon take hiz nightstick and beat dat pussy up lef an right. BULEEV DAT. Gon make dat pussy cry like ma shortiez. Split dat bitch up till she need dem stichez. And Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till he put da hot sauce on dem azzcakes. He gon gobble dat azz up. Chomp dat azz till dat azz b gon.
(porthole flies open)
Dr. Bricker: Azzcakes? Sounds naughty!
Wade: What’s an azzcake?
Jerry: IT’S AN IMPORTANT MEDICAL TERM, FATTY! I want you to personally oversee this new medical staff. It’s gonna be YOUR JOB to make sure all my goddamn STARS get back out onto that fucking field, Dr. Fatkins! You got me?
Wade: I don’t have time to oversee a staff this large. We gotta deal with those pesky Rams. Who’s gonna help prepare the team?
(door flies open)
Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. Never you mind that, my portly compatriot. I have a prescription for our offense. A HEALTHY DOSE OF GUMPTION!
Wade: Why, you lowdown snake!
Garrett: Don’t fear, my good man. My new Princeton Offense will soon be the darling of the League. The scuttlebutt will grow by the minute! Of course, I assume you know about the butt than the scuttle.
Jerry: Princeton Offense? I like the sound of that!
Garrett: Ah, excellent. The secret ingredient will be CUTS!
Wade: That doesn’t sound very innovative.
Jerry: YOU SHUT UP, MOZZARELLA STICK FIGURE! My boy GARRETT knows what he’s doing! Now you hit that training room, and steer clear of Doc Ock’s tentacles! I heard they tore one of the assistants titties clean off!
Pacman: Pacman down wid dat.
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEE HAWWWW! WOOHOO! SOMEBODY PUT ME ON A PLANE SO I CAN FUCK A STEWARDESS IN THE MOUTH! GOD DAMMIT, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, doctors, fat people, ksk group doctor brainstorms, that team is now imploding, wade and jerry
October 15th, 2008 at 11:44 am
“The secret ingredient will be CUTS!”
Fantastic.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:46 am
“My new Princeton Offense will soon be the darling of the League.”
Tony Romo knows something about backdoor passes.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:46 am
I always have to read Pacman’s part slowly/out-loud to make sense of it….
It turns out, my female co-workers who work within earshot are not, “down wid it”
October 15th, 2008 at 11:47 am
You forgot Drs. Howard, Fine, and Howard.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Dr. Zoidberg just cut off the finger.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:49 am
….and Dr. Nick
October 15th, 2008 at 11:50 am
HIII Dr. Nick.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Dr. Gonzo invites Pac to take the teeniest, tiniest little hit off the brown bottle in his shaving kit. Be down wit dat pineal gland.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:51 am
No Doctor Johnny Fever? Booger!
October 15th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Dr. Ruth wants to know how she was overlooked. Surely she could teach Pacman the finer points of ganging up on dat creampie.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I’d still take my injured Cowboys over the Vikes any given Sunday.
/that’s game, Hendrix
October 15th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Oh damn, good call on Dr. Nick.
…bye, everybody
October 15th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Dr. Demento was in my mind, then BAM! There with my friend Dr. Teeth AND Dr. Bunsen Honeydew! Haven’t seen them in a while.
I almost…almost…have a little sympathy for Wade. Then it escapes me.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:59 am
that team is now imploding
Bunson Honeydew did turn gold into cottage cheese …
October 15th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
All sorts of things flew open in this episode.
October 15th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
You forgot Dr. Spaceman. He’s never seen this kind of thing before though but thinks ignoring it should make it go away.
October 15th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
No Dr. Love?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Doctor Leonard McCoy wants you to know: “he’s DEAD, Jim!”
October 15th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Mozzarella stick figure may be the funniest fat joke I’ve ever heard.
October 15th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Pete Townshend wants to know when Dr. Jimmy/Mr Jim is gonna get the call. He only comes out when he drinks his gin……mmmm…..alcohol……Dr Adam/Mr Pac gon drank dat
October 15th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Needs more Dr. Doolittle
October 15th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Mmmmm…cake batter.
Perhaps Pacman would approve of a house call from Dr. Quinn. She is, after all, the Medicine Woman.
October 15th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
No, Dr. Doctor?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
or Dr. Venture?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Won’t you help them, Dr. Beat?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
What about Dr. Dunkenstein aka Darrell Griffith?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I told the witch doctor that I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor he told me what to do
He said Ooo eee,ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla, bing bang
October 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
@ slothrop: just a tiny taste
October 15th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Double J’s boy Romo thinks that Dr Hook songs are only for him: When (Romo)’s in Love With A beautiful Woman…..She’s Only 16…..Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk……
What?? They’re not singing about Romo’s love life??????/
/kinda embarrassed I knew those Dr Hook songs
///more embarrassed I posted it
October 15th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
House will finally cure Wade of lupus.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
They Might Be Giants would like you to call in Dr. Worm. Good morning, how are you?
October 15th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
+1 UU - No list of doctors is complete without Dr. Dunkenstein
No love for Dr. Evil?
October 15th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Thank God you got the fat VJ Dr. Dre and not the Legendary Rapper.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Dr Seuss feels slighted.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater
October 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
thanks AM, good call on Dr Evil
October 15th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
dr doofenshmirtz?
October 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Dr. Lou??????
October 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Dr. Manhattan
October 15th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Doctor Hibbard?
Doc Brown?
Doc Walker?
Doc Rivers?
What’s up Doc?
Doc Severensen?
Doc of the Bay?
Docsiders?
/taking it too far
October 15th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
“… giant tit with two legs. You can’t put a price on that kinda entertainment …”
Truer words were never written
October 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
What about Dr. Octagon? A doctor that has sex with his patients should be right up Jerry’s alley.
October 15th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
+10 for a Muppet reference, a Simpsons ref, a Futurama ref, and a Fletch all in one post!
Ahh hell who am I kidding…
+100 for a Crue reference!!!
he’s the one that makes you feel allllrighhht
October 15th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
DON’T FORGET DR.S NAISMITH & RAMSAY!
October 15th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
That IS a lot of doctors…
October 15th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Doc Martin.
October 15th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Dr Joseph Mengele is disappointed that he wasn’t invited. Wouldn’t a team of tortured Nazi-Arian Supersoldiers be right up Jerry’s alley?
October 15th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Is LEON SWEAT related to this guy?
October 15th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I heard someone was in need of some ‘rectal rebuilding and relocation of saliva glands’
October 15th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Dr. Archie ‘Moonlight’ Graham will haunt all of your dreams for keeping him off the roster.
October 15th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
From the Great Beyond, Rodney Dangerfield wonders where is Dr Vinnie Boombatz when you need him most?
October 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
These keep getting better; keep up the good work
October 15th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
That’s a medical staff for the ages, but what about Doctor Johnny Fever? He’s probably working for the Bengals when he’s not spinning wax at WKRP in Cincinnati.
October 15th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Oh yeah, Venus Fly Trap can give Jerry Jones a referal for Dr. Funkenstein.
October 15th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
One more. Ignatius J. Reilly recommends Dr. Nut.
October 15th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Isn’t Dr. Nut busy in Cleveland these days?
And how did Jerry get Dr. Faustus out of Belichik’s basement?
October 15th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Tracy Jordan recommends Dr. Spaceman
October 15th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Doctor Robert, Doctor Tarnhower (the Scarsdale Diet Doctor who might help fatty), Doctor Giggles, Doctor Herman Mudgett aka Dr. H.H. Holmes aka the Torture Doctor, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and Dr. Heckle and Mr. Jive all feel left out.
October 15th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
“Ah, Rex Morgan M.D. You have the prescription for the daily blues.” - Homer Simpson
October 15th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Dr. Hook? Dr. Zoidberg? Fucking awesome. Now all you need are Dr. Robert and Dr. Roxxo.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Dr Dre..the fat one. Nice. Got written up for laughing so hard at work, but nice…
October 16th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Where’s Doctor Doctor?
October 16th, 2008 at 12:37 am
The Dr. Hook Jerry Jones called was Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken of the Syracuse Bulldogs, right? God, please not Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show, please.
October 16th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I want to heartily recommend Jeff Pearlman’s “Boys will be Boys” about the 1989-1995 Cowboys. Suffice to say that ol JERRAL didn’t know how to build a football team THEN and the tradition continues.
A 1,6,7 for a guy who has had 1,000 yards receiving ONCE in his career? And it’s not like the Lions don’t throw it around.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:05 am
I can’t believe Doc Gooden wasn’t mentioned yet. He and Darryl Strawberry are all Jerry Jones needs. Irvin used to hang out with Strawberry and they would sharpen their skissors together.
October 16th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Dock Ellis would complain, but he’s too busy tripping and no-hitting the Padres.
October 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
+1 smirre for dr. rockso, the rocknroll clown. although i think they already had him on staff back in the 90s.
this crossover of cartoons, metal, and football is kind of exploding my brain.