God’s Son Explains the NFL: Week 8
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 8 in the NFL happen as they did.
Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I regret to inform you that God could not be with us this week. Actually that’s not correct. Of course He could be with us, I mean, He is God after all. I guess it would be more accurate to say God had better shit to do this week. Mostly he’s just been masturbating. Yep, that’s right, God masturbates. He masturbates just like you do, only he’s way better at it than you could ever imagine. You know how God’s voice makes your head explode? Well if you saw God stroking it your balls would melt and run down your leg forming a puddle at your feet. But I digress.
Joining us in His stead this week is none other than His Son of Sons, Jesus “Hominum Salvator” Christ!
Hello my children. It is I, Jesus of Nazareth here to explain the mysteries of the eighth week of this NFL season, and lo, what a week it was.
-While I, like my father, am supposed to love all my children, I, like everyone else, finds it nearly impossible to love the Patriots. I once asked Bill Belichick, “What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?” He responded by pulling out a copy of his contract. Apparently by finishing last season with a perfect 16-0 record he hit a contract escalator that includes the use of three virginal souls to do with as he pleases. They got back to their winning ways this week, because sometimes evil wins a round over good. Especially when good’s best player is held out with a tender groin.
-The lowly Bengals of Cincinnati were throttled by the Texans of Houston because they must be punished for hiding the true light. You see, I’m no Bengal fan, and I too grow tired of Chad Johnson’s constant yapping, but when he’s playing well he’s more entertaining than Mary Magdalene after a jug of wine. You had a great thing going there Marvin Lewis, but you had to go and shit all over it, didn’t you? Remember, no one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. So let that be a message to you, and let Ocho Cinco shine through the art of dance.
-Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Oh, except for you Detroit. You’re a fucking abomination and I will see to it that all doors are slammed in your worthless fat face. You know my dad was drunk when He made you. Also, you were adopted. Sorry, but it’s true.
-The Buccaneers of Tampa Bay were unable to overcome the Cowboys of Dallas because I felt they deserved such a punishment. It is written again, thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Especially not with such hot pieces of ass. Dad’s been spilling enough of his seed without your temptresses of evil urging him forth. Besides, I’m already dating the blonde with the kickin’ body, and I don’t need Dad ogling my woman.
Thanks, Jesus!
Tags: blasphemy, flubby's MS Paint, god explains the NFL, going to hell, jesus, sacrilicious, Unsilent Majority
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October 28th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I believe that according to the theory of the trinity, Jesus and God are the same entity, just different manifestations. Kind of like Pam Ward is actually Lou Holtz, but nominally female and unstrokey.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
The most amazing thing about this post by Maj is that Jesus survived
October 28th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
jesus better not be fucking with my sexy friday on tuesday.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
+1 Grimey
October 28th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Jesus Christ, she’s hot!
/dives under desk
October 28th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Jesus, when you were refering to Detroit, did you mean the Lions, or just the entire city?
If it’s the entire city, does that mean that the Wings have sold their souls to Satan?
October 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Wow, nobody fucks with the Jesus…or his hot piece of ass.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Jesus,
I’ve always wondered – were you actually black, or perhaps more olive in skin tone, like a middle easterner?
Also, thanks for smiting the Steelers’ starting long snapper. That was at least partial redemption for that playoff debacle in San Francisco a few years back.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
“Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back.”
/taken completely out of context, still kinda funny
October 28th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Ok, all of that is fine.
But what’s with wrecking my long snapper? And why did James Harrison try and snap the ball to the back judge?
October 28th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Grimey wins
October 28th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Grimey wins
The prize: Thirty Pieces of Silver
October 28th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
it’s snowing where I am so the “going to hell’ tag sounds pretty good right about now.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Silverback knows not finesse
October 28th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
God must bust such heavenly loads…
October 28th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
You guys have control over where the ads go in the comments, don’t you, you sick bastards. I guess this is what I get for bitching about it before.
October 28th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
The prize: Thirty Pieces of Silver
Along with some myrrh and frankincense
October 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Would it kill you guys to spellcheck these articles before you post them? Just wondering. I mean, you get paid for this shit now, don’t you.
October 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Would it kill you to properly punctuate your interrogative sentences, Jez?
October 28th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Proper grammer. and English do. not. exist. any were on the internets,
October 28th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
You see, I’m no Bengal fan, and I too grow tired of Chad Johnson’s constant yapping, but when he’s playing well he’s more entertaining that Mary Magdalene after a jug of wine.
*backs slowly out of the thread*
October 28th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
This post is racist – it completely ignores Jews.
October 28th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Jews, still not a race.
October 28th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Jesus, I thought your middle name was Fucking?
The next time God hands me a miracle, I better ask if he washed his hands first.
October 28th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hey Jesus…what’s the difference between You and a picture of You?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of You! Get it???
/struck by lightning
//shits pants
///says hello to Satan and Strom Thurmond
October 28th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@FNI – Jesus is a Jew, right?
Or maybe not, growing up in the South I was taught that Jesus was Baptist and spoke English like Shakespeare.
/Verily.
October 28th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Maybe if they believed in Jesus they would be.
October 28th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
God may control the NFL, but the Cigarette Smoking Man decided that Buffalo will never win a Super Bowl.
October 28th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Jesus had to fire Mary Magdalene because she blew all the prophets.
October 28th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
@Warthog – As far as I know he was a blue eyed, blond haired fellow that spoke with a slight British accent.
October 28th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I really don’t have anything to say. Not like America is listening to anything I have to say, anyway. I’m just killing time waiting for Tuesday to hurry up and get here so I can go home.
How’d the Cardinals do?
October 28th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Dear Jesus, why did you have to smite our long snapper? Is it not bad enough that you struck down our pro-bowl running back, his backup, our pro-bowl nose tackle, our pro-bowl safety, two different starting cornerbacks, two starting offensive linemen (including the only remaining non-sucky one), one starting defensive end, his backup, the other starting defensive end’s 4-year-old son, our starting free safety, our kicker, our punter, and got our #1 receiver caught by the cops in possession of the Elder Bud? You had to go after the long snapper too?
To hell with you, Jesus Christ. I’m converting to Zoroastrianism.
+1 to Loot for the X-Files reference.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:33 am
@ Favre’s Next Interception,
I think you just described Roger Daltrey,”No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man….behind blue eyes…..”
/or to be a Rams fan when SJax sits out against the never-have-a-penalty-Patriots. WTF??!!
October 29th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Wes Welker – he lost the accent.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
when will budda and other religous dieties explain what happens?