Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 7 in the NFL happen as they did.

The weak, pliable mortals let out a hue and cry because there have been so many injuries this season. Of course there have. Injuries are awesome. Not only do they serve as a reminder that seemingly powerful football players are but mere meatbags, but they’re funto watch. Speaking of fun, seeing Rodney Harrison getting carted off with a career-ending injury gave me the most heavenly wood since I hand-crafted Lucy Pinder. Fuck that Rodney Harrison. I hope he enjoys the medley of diseases I have lined up for him after his playing days. For the love of Me, even Satan thinks that guy’s an asshole.

And I hurt Reggie Bush because the size of his girlfriend’s ass makes me question whether I believe in myself.

-I let Sebastian Janikowski make a game-winning 57-yard field goal to beat the Jets because Eric Mangini makes a mockery of the act of creation by naming his kids after Bill Belichick and Brett Favre. Those are abominable and insult the glory of Me. I demand you immediately rename them both after your left tackle.

-I enabled the Steelers of Pittsburgh to beat the Bengals of Cincinnati because Ryan Fitzpatrick endeavors to explain away my divine workings with secular Harvard butthole empiricism. Look, you Ivy League fucktaster, if I wanted everyone to have all the answers, I’d put some actual facts in the Bible. No, I want you Earth-dwellers to all be as stupid as Michele Bachmann, you got it?

-The Packers of Green Bay made short work of the Colts of Indianapolis because I want to facilitate the decision for Tony Dungy to leave coaching after the season. Once retired, I’ll totally make him discover that he’s gay. Think of all the new chapters he’s going to have to write for the books he already put out?

-I totally fucked with the lights at Ralph Wilson Stadium because the fans of Buffalo are profligate wasters of condiments. You know how hard ketchup is to make? Still, they won the game because I’m still not sure if Darren Sproles isn’t a gremlin.