God Explains Week 6 of the NFL Season
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 6 in the NFL happen as they did.
-Many of you are undoubtedly wondering why so many of Sunday’s games were decided in the final 10 seconds of play. Well frankly not enough obese men have been suffering massive heart attacks and strokes as of late. The numbers needed a little padding, so I figured, why not kill the fatties with some excitement? You mortals can trust that I feel the pain of the loved ones they have left behind, especially the ones in Chicago. I may be all-knowing, but I hadn’t expected Atlanta’s ridiculous comeback to wipe out a third of Chicago’s adult male population. To be fair, Lovie Smith should shoulder some of that blame with me. Oh and the Cubs. Yeah, it’s totally their fault! I’d send Kosuke Fukudome to an eternity of damnation, but Japanese Hell is not my domain. Nope, way too much tentacle rape for my comfort level, so I just let them do their own thing.
-Not only did keep the Cowboys of Dallas from beating the Buzzsaw of Arizona, I also broke Tony Romo’s pinky finger. Call Me overly harsh if you must, but I expect a little extra prayer from that guy. You know, if the Sodomites found some more time for earnest worship I would have let a lot of that stuff go, and such is the case for Romo. My favored son has had every advantage over the past few years, and all the while he’s been living a life envied by all. But instead of thanking Me at every occasion, he spends all of his time on the phone with that blond temptress and fumbling in the endzone. Besides, his name ends in a vowel, so I naturally expect a bit more churchgoing.
-I, in my infinite foresight, told you that the Chargers-Pats game would be tits on ice. I didn’t even feel the need to keep things close, because as we all know, everybody is just tuning in to watch New England get curb-stomped. Me damn, I hate those douchebags. I mean, I created all of you equally, and I’m supposed to love all my children, but they totally cheated. And Bill Belichick once molested a ferret. I saw that shit, for I am everywhere.
-Shaun Alexander has indeed signed with the Redskins of Washington. As a punter. For some reason he thinks I not only healed his foot, but also gave it super Christian kicking powers. Silly Shaun, I only bestowed that gift upon Jason Elam. For he is My Kicker, and you are my lamb.
Tags: blasphemy, god explains the NFL, going to hell, sacrilicious, Unsilent Majority
October 15th, 2008 at 9:11 am
mmmm…sacrilicious
October 15th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Hey God, what about that Redskins game? That ended me in the suicide pool. (Football-wise, anyway.)
October 15th, 2008 at 9:42 am
3 Superbowls in this decade. Suck it, God. HAHAHAHAHA
October 15th, 2008 at 9:47 am
You are asking Belichick if he has a God complex? He IS God.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:01 am
“I also allowed the Cleveland Browns to win because… wait, the Browns won? Me damn it!”
Also, God, this isn’t football-related, but look. I’ve made my peace with the whole “bad things happen to good people” thing. Truly, I have. But please, Lord, could you explain WHY there’s a Saw V?
Thank you,
futuremrs.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:05 am
“Lord, could you explain WHY there’s a Saw V?”
Gregg Easterbrook will gladly explain it to you.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I also gave Kellen Winslow spontaneous dentrohydroplosion.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Hi God, it’s me Slothop. Thank you for your beneficence in giving us the five championships this decade. It’s been great. I know we got a little chesty and arrogant. But the Rays? Really? Yeah, I guess we deserve that.
On the other hand, and thanks for fucking Joe Torre and Manny in the ass. That was awesome.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:25 am
God does not control Horse Balls Anderson. Horse Balls decided it was time to win, so they won. Eff You baby Manning.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:33 am
SIX CHAMPIONSHIPS THIS DECADE, SLOTHROP.
Christ, have you forgotten about the damn Celtics ALREADY?! No wonder he’s punishing us! We’re a bunch of fucking ingrates!
October 15th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Yeah, pretty much
October 15th, 2008 at 10:44 am
the who now?
/dying
see you for sexy friday if I can rise above this shame.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I feel like naming my fantasy team “beantown death camp” this year is really starting to pay off.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Okay God, you have to know my colleague Jeff is now lording over me the Jets win, Miami loss. I am just curious how that all works for you. Aren’t Wildcats your friends? They were made by you, right? Or is that a lie too?
October 15th, 2008 at 10:59 am
You know, I was just speaking to Zarathustra. He said God was dead.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Speaking of suicide pools, I’m about to end shit this week in my KSK pool (RayCombsPoolParty). You mothafuckas are going down.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Belichick was definitely spying on God spying on him molesting a ferret.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
The Cubs getting swept in the first round (despite having the most talented team out there)? The Red Sox getting nailed by the likes of Matt Garza and B.J. Upton? The White Sox somehow making the playoffs? Great baseball season God.
@FMRA – God gave us Saw V for the same reason he gave us that new Indiana Jones movie, War of the Worlds II, Rush Hour 3, Shreck the Third, Lake Placid 2, and Beverly Hills Chihuahua (which somehow tops the box office despite 2.4 stars on IMDB). I don’t know exactly what that reason is, but I assume it has something to do with hatred of LA.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:27 am
God gives us movies like Saw V, Soul Plane and Black Knight to keep the line between “retard” and “non-retard” crystal clear.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Thanks God for siding with me on enjoying watching the Patriots get doinked. It’s just loads of fun ain’t it?
/the people make the saw movies are fucked up to the max, i love that shit though
October 15th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
The fucking Redskins got me eliminated from my suicide league, too. HATE.
October 15th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
FutureMrs – there’s a Saw VI planned.
October 15th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Dear God: Is Old Elisha back permanently? Or did Eli have some sort of deal with The Other Being that expired with the Browns/Giants game?
Sigh. Back to counting interceptions.
October 15th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
@leigh: at least before we had the hope of coughlin losing it and benching eli so j-lo could play. but alas the hefty lefty is gone…
October 15th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I always thought Matt Bryant was Gods kicker, seeing as all the shite he had been thru
October 15th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Dear God,
How many more fucking games do I have to suffer through starting Ryan Grant, and getting crap from him.
Just one rushing TD. That’s all I ask of him this week.
Thanks,
John Drama
October 16th, 2008 at 1:10 am
God Explains the NFL >> TMQ
October 16th, 2008 at 10:08 am
God explain why Braylon Edwards actually did his job this week. Did you send the swollen shittynes of his hands to Kellen Winslow’s testicles to give Browns fans a sense of hope or do you love to taste Eli’s tears?
October 21st, 2008 at 8:08 pm
God – if you really care, why do Ray Lewis and the Anti-Christ (i.e.Peyton Manning) both have Super Bowl rings?!?