God Explains Week 5
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 5 in the NFL happen as they did.
-Okay people first thing first, I don’t even know TO. We met at a party like once, and now the guy is talking about Me like we have some intimate relationship. Fuck that. So listen up TO, you need to stop pretending like we’re friends or some shit. Everybody knows you’re full of shit, so there’s really no use in pretending anymore. Do me a favor and get my name off of your damn lips, then go wrap them around an exhaust pipe. By which I of course mean Wade Phillips’ ass.
-The Giants of New York and the Redskins of Washington were both victorious because they are easily the two best teams in the NFC. What, did you not see that coming when they played that crapfest in Week 1? Well that’s why you’re you and I’m Me.
-I had no choice but to destroy Sage Rosenfels. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally down with the Jews, but having a Jewish quarterback succeed in the NFL would be a bad influence for young Jews across the country. While it’s nice for all of the little Berg’s and Stein’s out there to see a nice Jewish boy out on the field, but I don’t want their heads filling with dreams of NFL stardom. No, that space is best reserved for dreams of Wharton (perhaps with AU’s business school as a safety).
-It is I who is responsible for the Ed Hochuli’s precipitous decline as a referee. Surely his will be the greatest career collapse the NFL has seen since I fucked with Shaun Alexander’s foot.
-The Chiefs of Kansas City were defeated so thoroughly and convincingly by the Panthers of Carolina because after last week’s win Herm Edwards didn’t give me nearly enough credit, so this week the Chiefs were on their own. Me forbid he should open up his press conference by offering Me thanks for allowing his abominable football team to miraculously beat their rivals. What, you think you did that shit by yourself, Herm? My ass. If you were really in control of shit you’d get shut out every week like you did against Carolina. You make me fucking sick!
-While it’s true that I made Ben Roethlisberger in my own image, I will admit that I was totally fucking hammered that day. Brain functionality aside, I think I did a pretty okay job all things considered.
-Did you watch that boring piece of shit that was Tennessee vs. Baltimore? Well I didn’t because I was busy watching next week’s New England-San Diego game. Trust me, it’s going to be awesome.
Thanks, God!
Tags: god explains the NFL, going to hell, Unsilent Majority
October 7th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
“Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 3 in the NFL happen as they did.”
October 7th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Time warp!
October 7th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Yeah, copy and pasting is a bitch
October 7th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Lord Almighty, why the hell couldn’t you just strike down Ed Hochuli during that game? We would have offered the ass of Kim Kardashian as suitable tribute to your Holiness!
October 7th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
@ Reggie Bush’s Pimp
But lo, though the ass of Kim Kardashian is large and fruitful, too many of y’all been up in that piece already, and God shall only take pristine ass in sacrifice. That was supposed to be the 11th commandment.
Fucking Moses.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Beanies: too many?
It’s just been Reggie…and Ray J…and her stepdad…and that school counselor…and that hockey team…and that girls’ lacrosse squad…and Punte…and the Wayans brothers…
October 7th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
We met at a party like once
oh my God, you slept together! you slut!
October 7th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
next time my wife complains about me saying “fuck” too much, I’m going to make her read this to show her God says it more than me.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
you could always just hit her.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Hold up, it was only one Wayans brother…Keenan Ivory I think.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
God writes like Gregg Easterbrook.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
“you could always just hit her.”
worked for Plaxico. Right?
October 7th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
@ TDub – i’d watch out for falling objects from now on. God doesn’t take any shit.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
@Oginhs,
If Big Ben was made in His image, I think I can safely assume that any rocks aimed at my head will be underthrown by 2 yards.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
While it’s nice for all of the little Berg’s and Stein’s out there to see a nice Jewish boy out on the field, but I don’t want their heads filling with dreams of NFL stardom
You forgot about the Baum’s, Tov’s and Moishe’s – they don’t need to dream about athletic stardom either. Why can’t one of the Hasid’s get trucked like Billy Miller? Just once, that’s not too much to ask right?
October 7th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
@TDub
It woulda been better if He made Marmalard in His image. Easy 10 yard cushion right there.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I still love Ed Hochuli and I always will. Unless he fucks over the Colts, at which point I will probably hate him.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I like Rosenfels. It’s too bad he’s Jewish.
October 7th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
God and T.O. made such a lovely couple. It’s a shame to see God forsaking him like this. I guess he got back together with Kurt Warner.
God goes through men like Kleenex: Garcia, Gibbs, Kitna, Dungy, Warner…
October 7th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I just want to know what I did for God to take out his wrath on my fantasy team this week. You damn it I sucked this week.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Tom Brady got a quick lesson in Week One what happens to those who bogart the restaurant-quality Supermodel ass and do not share with Our Lord. SMOTE!!
October 7th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Besides you could tithe 20% of Kardashian’s ass and you wouldn’t even make a dent. Like taking a cup of water out of the ocean
October 7th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I like that I am getting Google Ads for Jewish singles on this post! Looks like Sage will be getting himself some JAP Poonanny online!!!
October 7th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
While I understand why you would smite Sperm Backwards, why, oh why did you have to make the Chiefs so SLOW?
and weak
and talentless.
/weeps into keyboard
October 7th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Not the “tastefully named” AU business school, UM?
October 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Was God also hammered when He decided what to do with the Bills’ defense? Christ, we give Rongrastname shit but goddamn the entire unit sucked out loud with horrible decisions coming out the wazoo, it was like hearing someone shout “NOM NOM NOM NEGATIVE POINTS NOM NOM NOM” over and over and over
Come on God, where’s your excuse for that shit?
October 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
IS God hanging out with Kyle Orton to much
Orton may be buying the drinks, but damn God.
A Orton quarterback rating that high is a miracle, even against the Lions.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Bigger liability: Kim’s big ass, TO’s big ego or Rongrastname’ big tumor…I mean head.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Do those Ethiopian Jews, the Falashas, play football? They should just stick to long distance running.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
God giveth then taketh. What? Your team is dominating the AFC? Fuck you, you lose 4 Super Bowls in a row. What, you made the playoffs? Fuck you, Music City Miracle. 4-0 start? Fuck you, your defense will be exposed, your O-line will be exposed, and your QB will go down with a season-ending concussion.
At least we have the tropical paradise that is WNY.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Dear God,
Are you there? It’s me, Monkey Business. I know I use your name in vain a lot, probably more than anyone else I know, and I know some pretty blasphemous folks, and on several occaisons I’ve exclaimed, sober, and usually during sporting events, that you don’t exist, and that if you do you’re a fucking asshole.
But really, you had to fuck over Drew Brees AND Adrian Peterson, who COMBINED for 17.90 points?
Seriously, fuck you.
Sincerely,
Monkey Business
October 7th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
god, did you fuck over my fantasy team because i have impure (dirrty) thoughts about aaron rodgers, matt leinart and LT – all at once?
October 7th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Dirty thoughts about Aaron Rodgers??
October 7th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Rosenfels renounced his faith, so don’t let him hear you call him a Jew or he will jump up in the air and have a guy helicopter him so his feet kick you right in the face.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I thought the week 1 episode of this series was hysterical, what with the biblical English and occasional profanity mixed together. But over the next few weeks the voice of God deteriorated to sound more like an ivy-league frat boy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no bible thumper. The idea of God getting drunk and being old testament on people’s asses is hilarious, but I think it would be funnier if the profanity were toned down. The word fuck loses it’s impact the more it’s used. Still, this is pretty funny stuff.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
@Nycon. I won’t say it, but check the scene in the wire http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCsi7C8XZvk where the word conveys every meaning you need.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Foot? I just assumed God did something to Shaun Alexander’s vagina. Something unthinkable and unholy.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Just read what I wrote, I sound like an asshole who doesn’t use profanity.
/Fuck me, I am an asshole.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Lord,
Thank you for providing the bounty produced by DeAngelo Williams this week. I’m truly grateful for your blessings.
Sincerely,
Soup Sandwich
October 7th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Why hast thou forsaken McNabb?
October 7th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
McNabb is a sodomite and pedorast.