Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 5 in the NFL happen as they did.

-Okay people first thing first, I don’t even know TO. We met at a party like once, and now the guy is talking about Me like we have some intimate relationship. Fuck that. So listen up TO, you need to stop pretending like we’re friends or some shit. Everybody knows you’re full of shit, so there’s really no use in pretending anymore. Do me a favor and get my name off of your damn lips, then go wrap them around an exhaust pipe. By which I of course mean Wade Phillips’ ass.

-The Giants of New York and the Redskins of Washington were both victorious because they are easily the two best teams in the NFC. What, did you not see that coming when they played that crapfest in Week 1? Well that’s why you’re you and I’m Me.

-I had no choice but to destroy Sage Rosenfels. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally down with the Jews, but having a Jewish quarterback succeed in the NFL would be a bad influence for young Jews across the country. While it’s nice for all of the little Berg’s and Stein’s out there to see a nice Jewish boy out on the field, but I don’t want their heads filling with dreams of NFL stardom. No, that space is best reserved for dreams of Wharton (perhaps with AU’s business school as a safety).

-It is I who is responsible for the Ed Hochuli’s precipitous decline as a referee. Surely his will be the greatest career collapse the NFL has seen since I fucked with Shaun Alexander’s foot.

-The Chiefs of Kansas City were defeated so thoroughly and convincingly by the Panthers of Carolina because after last week’s win Herm Edwards didn’t give me nearly enough credit, so this week the Chiefs were on their own. Me forbid he should open up his press conference by offering Me thanks for allowing his abominable football team to miraculously beat their rivals. What, you think you did that shit by yourself, Herm? My ass. If you were really in control of shit you’d get shut out every week like you did against Carolina. You make me fucking sick!

-While it’s true that I made Ben Roethlisberger in my own image, I will admit that I was totally fucking hammered that day. Brain functionality aside, I think I did a pretty okay job all things considered.

-Did you watch that boring piece of shit that was Tennessee vs. Baltimore? Well I didn’t because I was busy watching next week’s New England-San Diego game. Trust me, it’s going to be awesome.

Thanks, God!