God Explains Week 4 of the NFL Season
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 4 in the NFL happen as they did.
First of all, happy new year to all of my chosen people out there! Except for that one fucking yid. You know, the blowhard asshole on ESPN who is always making up crappy nicknames. Oh come on, you know the guy I’m talking about. Big fat lump of shit that’s always laughing at his own jokes, even though his shtick got old around the time those no good fuckers started penning that “new” testament. Me damn it, what the fuck is that asshole’s name?
Anyway, let’s move on to the other stories I’ve helped influence over the past week after the jump. Why the jump? BECAUSE IT IS MY WILL!
BERMAN! That yid’s name is CHRIS FUCKIN’ BERMAN! Me damn I hate that douchebag. That assclown has the nerve to work on Rosh Hashanah in direct defiance of my wishes, and then he has the nerve to wish the chosen audience a happy new year? Fuck that shit. You have two choices Berman, you can be a Jew who celebrates Rosh Hashanah and drops a “shana tova” on all the choicest hook-nosed PA’s, or you can be a glorified gentile who works on the high holidays and slings pork sandwiches for a donut shop. So maybe one of these years you could take off the ONE NIGHT A YEAR I ask of you. I know you’re not opposed to the laziness inherent with staying home from work, I see what you do when you’re doing your “homework” for the show. Masturbating and falling asleep in your custom oversized bathtub is not how a professional prepares to go on television as some purported expert (except for Erin Andrews, and even she only does that in my Godly dreams). And seriously, I didn’t give you people anal orifices so you could go shoving turkey legs up there. That’s just sick and wrong.
Speaking of mortals that piss me off to no end, Shaun Alexander really needs to get fucked. Listen you dumbfuck, you really need to stop praying to me 20 times a day. Sometimes I have shit to do up here. You know Al Davis isn’t just going to give himself an inoperable brain tumor. That shit takes time. My time. And I can’t concentrate on that kind of thing when you interrupt me every half hour to pray for a new contract or to heal your foot pain. I mean shit, did you really think wrapping your feet in back-issues of the Christian Science Monitor was going to help matters? Those assholes are dumber than Calvinists.
Okay, now that I got that shit off my chest (come on OU, I was sleeping!) I can start explaining away all of the mysteries of Week 4.
- I broke Rashard Mendenhall’s shoulder in an effort to get Christmas Ape to stop bitching at his poor cat about the kid fumbling a couple of balls. Seriously Ape, Jean Grey doesn’t want to hear that shit. Just scratch her under the chin and keep her fed. Now go clean out that fucking litter box before I smite one of the Primanti brothers.
- I forced the Raiders of Oakland to fall to the Chargers of “San” Diego because Lane Kiffin needed a way out. That decision to go for the 70 yard field goal was all me, so you can put the blame on me if you must. But don’t act like that shit wasn’t funny. Hell, you should have seen the other shit I was going to pull. If Kiffin hadn’t been of so strong mind you would have seen my other influences, like the second down punt, the triple flea-flicker, and even the triple option run by JaMarcus Russell and his two invisible friends.
- I carried the Bears of Chicago to victory over the Eagles of Philadelphia because Brian Westbrook IS TOTALLY FUCKING WITH MY FANTASY TEAM! It’s also fun watching Chicago fans get all excited about their team before I replace Kyle Orton’s ginger ale with gin make Mike Brown’s achilles look like a piece of John Madden’s frayed dental floss after his third steak dinner.
- I forced the Rams of “St.” Louis to lose their game against the Bills of Buffalo because…wait, no…actually that was all them. My mistake. But If it had been me I totally would have started Trent Green. Unless of course there was a triple amputee at my disposal.
Thanks, God!
Tags: chris berman, god explains the NFL, going to hell, Jews, Unsilent Majority
October 1st, 2008 at 11:55 am
Hey God, could you miraculously heal Anquan Boldin’s swollen brain (he has to be concussed, doesn’t he?)? I really need his production this week.
Thanks!
October 1st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I bet Berman also had the nerve to eat Apples and Honey on Rosh Hashanah
October 1st, 2008 at 12:03 pm
And seriously, I didn’t give you people anal orifices so you could go shoving turkey legs up there.
There’s another one for the quote wall.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Berman’s used your name in vain too, God. Smite him! Smite him on his show for all of us to see your might!
“I didn’t give you people anal orifices so you could go shoving turkey legs up there. That’s just sick and wrong.”
Then you should have said something about it in the Bible. How were we supposed to know?
October 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I bet Berman also had the nerve to eat Apples and Honey on Rosh Hashanah
and pork. and ham. and that squirrel he ran over on the way to work. and a small child…
October 1st, 2008 at 12:08 pm
but for the “yid,” that first paragraph describes 75% of the WWL’s talent roster
October 1st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
@Gooch - we may not share a religion (or maybe we do; who the fuck knows?) but I’ll hold hands with you and pray on that. In a non-God-offending-hetero way, of course.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
God, while I appreciate you screwing Bears fans — my sister-in-law is a Bear fan and she’s a real pain in the ass about it — could you maybe next time leave the Eagles the fuck out of it? That’s two years in a row, you omnipotent shit-heel.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I just want to say thanks for completely fucking the Steelers running game prior to them coming to Jacksonville this weekend. I take back all of the you damnits I’ve said in the last 45-50 minutes.
/wondering if I will go to hell for that or get hit by a bus on the way home or something…..
October 1st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
So ummm, God? You didn’t mention your mysterious Kansas City game?? And, umm, your great friend Kurt Warner turned into Fumbelina at a you dammit inappropriate time. Not saying, just saying… what was up with that?
October 1st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
You know that God is powerless in games involving Brett Favre. Favre caused those fumbles by being so great that Warner was in awe throughout the entire game. Peter King told me so.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:07 pm
warner was simply distracted by the degree of fun favre was having out there.
he was just having soooo much fun out there!
October 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Dear God -
Are you there? It’s me, Monkey Business. I don’t ask for much; just unlimited money, power, and a supply of gorgeous women who think short, stocky guys that are awesome at Rock Band are the sexiest thing on the planet. Seeing as you have felt it necessary to not grant me any of those, could you please miraculously heal the Colts so I can shove it in the faces of the Bears fans I have to deal with on a daily basis?
Also, break Juice Williams’ leg and smite Bruce Weber. Smite him SO HARD. Thanks!
Sincerely,
Monkey Business
P.S. My next letter goes to Satan, so don’t fuck this up.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Maybe Ralph Wilson made a deal with The Devil? No way god is a Bills fan. Actually, no way god is a fan of any Buffalo sports teams. Or Buffalo for that matter.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Romeo Crennel?
October 1st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Poop, thank you, I forgot the Brettery factor. So, you know PK? I would not let that info get around….
October 1st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
And to think that I once doubted Your existence.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
but God, you could have a quattro-amputee at your disposal seeing as you’re God and all. (ps, you can go ahead and make that happen btw) Also, I am interested in discovering the other players you drafted in your fantasy team besides westbrook. And who are your opponent GMs!? Brahma? Zeus? Odin? That guy that sold me that sandwich at the seedy corner store on 57th?
October 1st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Of course God is a fan of Buffalo…he did set it up as Purgatory after all! He doesn’t offer up that type of theological love for just any blasted post-industrial wasteland.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Dear God,
Please let the Browns play Cincinnati 12 more times this season (with out Carson Palmer)
Thanks,
Cleveland.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Nice work with the Redskins there, God. Now if you’re going to help Kyle Orton beat the Eagles…you might as well help Jason Campbell, right ? I mean since Doug Williams was the first and last black QB to win the Bowl…you might as well annoint to be the next.
October 1st, 2008 at 2:22 pm
So You’re saying I should NOT put turkey legs up my ass?
Well, You’re the omnipotent one
/shuts off rottiserrie
October 1st, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Please let the Browns play Cincinnati 12 more times this season (with out Carson Palmer)
That’s, like, three wins!
October 1st, 2008 at 3:19 pm
The Kansas City game was simple, really. God thinks that Mike Shanahan (aka RatFace) should stop tanning artificially. He gave us his only sun for a reason.
October 1st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
A false god!!
October 1st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
“Okay, now that I got that shit off my chest (come on OU, I was sleeping!)”
How the hell did you guys miss that?
October 1st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Dude, you can’t put a turkey leg up your ass!
It will make you shit out your mouth!
I think I discovered Chris Berman’s problem!