I’d like to think of myself as possessing above-average intelligence and maintaining a healthy amount of common sense. I got through college and grad school well enough, and I pride myself at being able to spot a grifter from 50 paces– a handy skill around Derby time. But the events of earlier this week have shaken my confidence to the core and led me to question whether I might be more suited for work as a ditch digger, field-hand or, shudder, Governor of Alaska.
You would think I would know what to do when I get a heavily edited picture of raccoon appearing to playfully gnaw on an unidentifiable appendage belonging to a human of the male persuasion. The large yellow blocks prevented me from seeing exactly which appendage this was, but I had a very strong and uneasy suspicion. I also received a message from our own Monday Morning Punter saying ‘click on it, it’s not what you think.’
So what does my dumb ass do?
A) Consider the source and immediately hit the delete button several times as fast as I could; OR
B) “Derrrrr, if Punter says it’s not what I think it is, it MUST be something innocent and wholesome. Duhhh, clicky-click-click. Duhhhhhh.”
Yes, Dear Reader I chose the latter. There are some things than once you see them, you can never unsee. There are some things that once they are imprinted on your cortex, are indelible until death. Seeing a cute raccoon chawing on some sick bastard’s junk is one of them. I will never be able to look at this friendly woodland varmint the same way again. I immediately canceled my son’s subscription to Ranger Rick. “The Ballad of Rocky Raccoon” came of the radio yesterday and I was shaking so hard I had to pull over on the side of the road.
Punter’s knack for the highly offensive is well documented in these pages and elsewhere. Hell, he once infamously carpet-bombed Deadspin with links to graphic horse-on-man porn. So quite understandably, some of you may be asking, “Why on Earth would you ever click on something solely on Punter’s say-so?” The answer, Dear Reader, is because I am a fucking rube.
There, I said it—I. AM. A. RUBE. If I played baseball I would be Rube Waddell. If I was a Kenny Rogers song I would be “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town.” If managed a fictional 1970’s television family band I would be Reuben Kincade. I’m a rube and now you all know of my shame.
Here’s your Sexy Friday cheerleader post….
Photo credits: The Professional Cheerleader Blog, Sports Illustrated, Flickr
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@TDub: No racism here. Just personal preference.
I pride myself at being able to spot a grifter from 50 paces– a handy skill around Derby time.
A handy skill walking around Louisville, ever.
Um, well, I didn’t enjoy it, but I’ve seen worse. And that raccoon looks like it’s been roofied. It has to have been tranqed in some way, there’s no way you could get your dong anywhere near a raccoon’s mouth without risking seriously unpleasant injury to said dong. You’d be better off putting it near Rosie O’Donnell’s mouth.
You guys are pussies… raccoons, donkeys.
Let’s get down to business:
http://www.sillyape.org/trash/HORSEGAG.avi
You sir may be a rube, but certainly no Rube Goldberg.
Flubby, you’re a real gem. Guess which one.
If you were a disease, you’d be rubella.
If you were a jew, you’d be Rubenstein.
What’s the big deal? Never seen a disturbing photoshop before? God, you’re easy to get to. No way that’s real. Coons have teeth and nasty dispositions. Absolutely no way a man would risk his junk in the jaws of a creature like that. Chill. Go look at tubgirl or something…
let he who has not covered his cock in peanut butter and popcorn and dangled it in front of wildlife cast the first stone.
Flub, if you were the man who killed the man who many people believe assassinated President Kennedy, then your name would be Jack….Sparrow? Bauer? Black?
…..
Uh, what was this post about again? Something involving a cock-sucking raccoon, I think.
If you were an annoying Chris Tucker character from a movie that’s been re-released about 40 times on home video, you’d be Ruby Rod.
That poor raccoon..and that man is taking bestiality in a direction it SHOULD NOT GO.
Yo Flubby, you just sucked Punter’s Rubric!
WHY!!!!????
Wow, taking Punter at his word? If you were shitty tasting juice you’d be rubey red.
If you were a transgendered whore, you’d be Ruby, the transgendered whore I fucked last week.
I suck at this
come on…where is the KSK inside scoop on the Soldier’s medical problem?
http://deadspin.com/5061761/kellen-winslows-out-withswollen-testicles
Flubby pancakes just are NOT pancakes to you without some strawberry-rhubarb sauce on top
I like that last cheerleader. She seems to possess just the right amount of sluttiness- not too much, but definitely not too little. I’ve never liked the Redskins, but they always seem to have one of the best cheerleading corps.
Notice Rocco’s latent racism in his cheerleader preferences.
Am I surprised Punter would send such an email? No.
Here I was thinking that this was going to be a post about Punter turning flubby into a meth addict after an encounter at a vending machine. Not that I’m disappointed with the racoontang.
If you were a McGuyver parody on SNL, you’d be McGruber
If you were a movie villain you would be Hans Gruber.
but so after stupidly clicking the picture… so is the guy supposed to be enjoying the raccoon mouth on his dongle? because it looks like he’s feeding it to the thing. i cant imagine a raccoon bj is pleasant…. or is it?
If you were a Stones song, you’d be “Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday.”
Sorry, UU
just one of many perks of living like oscar the grouch.
If you used to play for the Bills and still bang hot white chicks in town, you’d be Rueben Brown.
I gotta say, that raccoon doesn’t seem to like it much. I bet that’s a Lucasfilm product from the day George ran out of Ewoks and Harrison Fords.
If you were a marginally talented former Saints running back, you would be Reuben Mayes.
We, the jury, find the defendant, Flubby, guilty on one count of armed rubery.
Edit: I’ll change that last one to absofuckinglutely YES. Thanks Sexy Friday Cheerleader post. Now I can go home a cry about my ex-cheerleader ex-wife just like every other Friday.
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, Yes, Yes.
I clicked it. What’s the big deal? It’s a racoon gnawing on a rod.
Punter, you are truly my hero!
Back to the scene of the crime…
If someone was going to say “Hey!” to you it would be Hunter S. Thompson’s ghost.
God damn it Flubby. Where’s the horse on man porn link to Punter’s carpet-bomb on Deadspin?
like when i was told not to watch 2 girls, 1 cup
I won’t click it. The last time I was told not to google image search a “speculum,” and I did it anyway.
If you were a song by Rancid you’d be Ruby Soho
I bet you know all about Jack Ruby.
/all done, have a good weekend
there’s way too much talk of ruben studdards boobs, lube, and pecker gnawing
If you were a chain restaurant or song from the 60′s you’d be Ruby Tuesday
Flubby supports research of this disease:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubinstein-Taybi_syndrome
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMDcOViViNY
Actually safe for work. Not sure how it ties into everything but the song called ruby. Anyways the Redskins better not fuck up this weekend.
If you were caught jerking off in a theater, you’d be Paul Reubens.
Rueban Studdard’s manboobs are actually known as ManRoobs
bob dylan would be livid right now
Your favorite baseball player was former Blue Jay Kelly Gruber.
If Flubby were a rapper he’d be the Ruber Band Man.
wrongly convicted
if you were a boxer, nicknamed after a type of storm, who was convicted of 3 murders and spent 20 years in prison , you would be rubin ‘the hurricane’ carter
if you’re rubbing with lube, is that called rubing?
I think I’ll go check out some internet porn and maybe rube one out.
EVERYONE MUST SEE IT!
if you were a caveman you’d be barney ruble
this is the most fun i’ve had all day
If you were a foreign currency, you’d be a ruble.
this post crossed the Rubicon.
If you were in Italy, you could swim in the Rubicon
Rube-y Rube-y Rube-y will you be mine…….
The cheerleader in that last pic is holding her mouth open juuuuuust right.
/hell no I didn’t click the link
//no raccoon homo
if you were a fat, black, american idol winner, you would be ruben studdard
If you were a contagious disease, you would be rubella.
If you were a river, you’d be the Dan-rube.
My lunch today: corned beef, sauerkraut, Swiss cheese and thousand island dressing on toasted bread.
I’ve seen the picture of which you speak.
/gouges eyes
If you were a shitty third string running back you’d be Rueben Droughns
goddam it Maj, I intentionally left that out
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CLICK IT
If you were an inventor, you’d be Rube Goldberg
cough
http://theinternetisterrible.com/711/racoons/
if you were a sandwich, you’d be a reuben
So, where’s the raccoon pic?
rube
flubby, if you were a toy you would be a Rubik’s cube.